Reading the books: That old stone thingie
by Lajsa
Summary: Sirius Black, Purveyor of Odd Nicknames, is busy teasing dear old Prongsie-poo for staring at Evans, when something happens; the written word fights back against the Marauders by dropping a load of books on Peter's head. What to do? Read them, of course!
1. Fighting with Literature

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sooo, I decided to finally publish what I've been working on for a while. I probably won't be updating regularly, but I'll do my best to get it going. After all, these kinds of stories are pretty easy, as the storyline-thingie is already plotted out for me. Er, for those who didn't gather it: this is yet another remake of the old 'people reading the books omg' concept. I hope you'll enjoy it! And do review, it'd make me very happy :D_

_UPDATED August 21 2010: I fixed the butchered ABC-list-thing. Go me!_

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything at all, to be honest. I'm just using and abusing these poor characters. Everything in __**BOLD **__(though there isn't any in chapter one, obviously)____belongs to the lovely J.K. Rowling, to whom I am eternally grateful for giving me something to read when I'm bored._

**-CHAPTER ONE-**

**-****Fighting with Literature-**

It was simply no one's fault, they eventually decided. Everything simply would have ended up there, somehow, anyway. None of them, though James and Sirius were quite talented and quite aware of it, was strong enough magically to make such a thing happen. So, the fault was not theirs.

Though, of course, it would have helped if

a) James hadn't been so bloody distracted by Evans and her 'wonderfully beautiful red eyes and green locks'… oh wait, turn that around.

b) Sirius hadn't been mocking him for it, although he _did_ deserve it.

c) Lily hadn't been busy staring at James with this really repulsed face that 'really didn't hurt his feelings', as he would later claim.

d) Remus hadn't been too busy laughing at the all around stupidity.

e) Peter hadn't been… well, Peter.

The list was of course the courtesy of Sirius Orion No-Longer-Very-Black, who would later deny all knowledge of 'the List of Really Strange Things that James Potter is Keeping Underneath His Pillow, Including His Very Well Used Teddybear Named Popkins' that surfaced a few months later, causing a certain James '_No Humour_' Potter to chase him down and kill him… figuratively.

But that was all in the future, and the future is the future is the future, as Sirius always used to say. The future is not the present and the future is shrouded in mist and therefore unknown, Remus used to reply, but _that_ theory this entire story would seem to refute quite firmly, making Remus quite annoyed about being wrong for once.

Meanwhile Sirius, in the calm land of his own mind (in which the people were mercifully ruled by King Sirius the Seriously Smart, who by the way had a quite entertaining cleaner named James the Jealous Joker and a pet werewolf named Moony the Loony, though the names were still under construction) decided that it must all have been Peter's fault, or that at least he must be the one most to blame… if anyone was to blame, which Remus claimed there wasn't. At least, it was Peter's fat head that had first showed them the beginning of this really odd story.

THUNK!

"Bloody hell!"

"Technically, hell is not bloody, Prongs."

Prongs, also known as James '_Stop Making Up Stupid Names, or I'll Beat You_' Potter, rewarded a certain Mr. Black with a kind and enlightening punch to the eye at that statement. Landing on the floor, Mr. Black was alerted to the reason for the exclamation of Satan's land being bloody; Mr. Pettigrew had lost consciousness and was lying on the floor with several large tomes strewn about him in a most preposterous manner.

Or, to be frank… he'd fainted. He'd fallen. He'd been beaten up. By _books_.

Sirius stared at the lump of fainted beaten-by-books-and-now-really-far-gone Peter Pettigrew for a moment. He opened his mouth, to make a comment about how Peter would never last in a _real_ fight. And then suddenly he was slapped in the face by a bloody _book_, and that kind of made him lose his nerve.

"Oh God!" he could hear Remus say, sounding quite amazed. "Oh my God! Oh my…"

"Remus, we don't need to hear you do _that_" James said, quite serious. "Remember silencing charms? Remember closing your bed curtains? Remember _not_ doing that in public?"

There was a rather satisfying THUNK as Remus smacked James in the face with another of the books, and Sirius sniggered, only to have his own bruises reinforced by a second book slammed into his face.

"Shut up" Remus growled, and they did. When a werewolf growls, two days before the full moon, you do shut up. Lily, however, had no idea of the wolfy characteristics of her fellow prefect.

"What, Remus?" she questioned, and as Sirius freed himself from the Books of Supreme Violence, he saw her close in on them across the empty common room, tinsel tangled in her red hair. "What are these books?"

Remus frowned as he looked up at her.

"This is really odd" he muttered. "Publishing dates are from the 90's, and the main character seems to be some relative of James'. Harry Potter, see? Weird."

"Harry?" James spluttered, sitting up from where his encounter with the book had sent him to the floor, his cheeks reddening rapidly. "Can't be. Don't know him. That's freaky, man!"

Sirius would have sniggered at the obvious effect Lily had on James without even trying, but he decided against it seeing Remus eyeing him while his hand twitched towards one of the books again. Better not tempt fate, really. Though he was really tempted to do the tempting (he also quite wanted to laugh at that sentence) when Lily sat down next to them, staring at the books with a frown and also sending James into near hyper-ventilation at seeing she didn't pull away from him or hex him.

"Hm" she said, her frown going deeper as she flipped through the pages, eyes intent on scanning each page for additional information. "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, huh? That seems to be the first one. It seems they are some kind of series. Though why they'd appear here all of a sudden, I cannot imagine. I mean, they're from the future or something, right?"

"It seems so" Remus muttered, picking up the first book. "Sure you don't know any guy by that name, James?"

"Well if it's from the future, perhaps I _will_ know him, won't I?" James stuttered, beaming stupidly when Lily gazed at him with a thoughtful expression. "Perhaps he's like my unborn brother or something!"

"Or a son" Lily said, nodding slowly and not appearing to realize she was indeed, oh my God, holding a civilized conversation with James '_Go Out with Me, Evans?_' Potter. "This is a miracle. This book could… why, it could tell us about the future!"

"Yes! Yes!" James panted, in a way that reminded Sirius all too much of Peter's general hero worship of everything cool and funky. Remus seemed to notice this too, and he kindly shut James up by shoving the other six books into his arms, knocking the air from his lungs and preventing him from embarrassing himself further.

"Yes, it might" said the werewolf, quite calmly, as if he'd done nothing unusual at all. "But perhaps the future is not meant to be known, Lily. We should, perhaps, get rid of the books without reading them."

"WHAT?" Sirius shouted, perhaps a little bit too loudly, as he watched Remus cover his ears and scowl. "Moony, passing up on reading a book? Call the Daily Prophet!"

"Shut up!" growled Remus, but Lily held up her hand to stop the bickering.

"You're right, Remus, of course, but…"

"But what?" James asked eagerly, finally having regained his composure somewhat. "I want to read about my brother-turned-son-not-born-yet-who-might-be-really-exciting-and-cool-and-freaky-and…"

"Why don't you make sure Peter wakes up?" Remus interrupted, shoving James onto the floor next to his fallen comrade and making sure to kick his ribs in the process.

"Yes" Lily said slowly, and turned her eyes to Remus, having stared at James' all too flushed face for a moment. "But Remus. If the books are already here then whatever we do will already have affected the future and they would have sent the book to us anyway and it's all a huge spiral kind of thingy, and if they send us the book that means that whatever we do now already has happened and thus we cannot really change the future, it's a paradox, and…"

"Yes, yes" Sirius interrupted, quite rudely. "Let's read the ruddy book. We get it. Shut up, Moony. We'll read it. Might as well be interesting to see what that moron has gotten up to in the future."

"Well yes, but…"

"Shut up, Moony."

"Lily, you tell them about the…"

"Shut up, Remus."

"Yes, but it can't be good to…"

"SHUT UP."


	2. The Boy Who Lived and the 'Boy' Who

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: __Yaaaaay. I don't really need to repeat myself, do I? After all, you just read the note in the first chapter, and as of yet… nothing has changed! Sirius '_the Hot Dog_' Black says 'Howdy!'_

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything at all, to be honest. I'm just using and abusing these poor characters. Everything in __**BOLD **__belongs to the lovely J.K. Rowling, to whom I am eternally grateful for giving me something to read when I'm bored._

**-CHAPTER TWO-**

**-The Boy who Lived and the 'Boy' who Didn't-**

Sadly, there were only two people out of five who cared if a certain Mr. Pettigrew was awake before the reading started. Those two were Remus and Lily. Sirius, however, claimed that three against two still was a majority, even if they 'unfairly stole Peter's vote as he was unconscious', according to Lily. Thus, Remus picked up the book, scowling at everything and everyone for voting him down in the matter of reading or not reading.

**Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. **

"Which is technically a stupid thing to say, as normality is really just…"

"Shut up, Remus."

"I can't read if I do, Padfoot."

"Then shut up and read… or whatever."

**They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.**

**Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made drills. He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large mustache. Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck, which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbors. **

"Sounds like handsome and nice people" James snorted. "Why is this crap in a book about _my_ relative?

"I really wonder" Lily huffed quietly, "as you're neither handsome nor nice, Potter."

"Hey!"

**The Dursleys had a small son called Dudley and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere. The Dursleys had everything they wanted, but they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it.**

"They bred mutant Chizpurfles?" Sirius suggested, grinning evilly. "I should tell everyone, I really should."

**They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters.**

"What?" James spluttered. "The Potters are a bloody respectable wizarding family, there's nothing wrong with us!"

"Oh, I wouldn't say there's nothing wrong with you" Remus muttered, but James didn't hear. Pity, Sirius decided. Some fighting would have been funny. This book sounded kind of boring… though not as much now the Potters had been mentioned.

**Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister, but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister, because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyish as it was possible to be. **

"Like that's such a horrible thing" James muttered sourly.

**The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbors would say if the Potters arrived in the street. The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son, too, but they had never even seen him. This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away; they didn't want Dudley mixing with a child like that.**

"This is just…"

"Shut up, Potter" Lily hissed at him. "I want to hear the story, not your stupidity!"

**When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, gray Tuesday our story starts, there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country. Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work, and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily as she wrestled a screaming Dudley into his high chair. None of them noticed a large, tawny owl flutter past the window.**

"But owls usually avoid being seen by muggles, don't they?" Lily frowned.

"I think so" Remus nodded. "Odd."

**At half past eight, Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase, pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek, and tried to kiss Dudley good-bye but missed, because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls. **

"Lovely kid there" Sirius snorted.

"**Little tyke," chortled Mr. Dursley as he left the house.**

"No wonder, his father is clearly an idiot."

**He got into his car and backed out of number four's drive. It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar — a cat reading a map. For a second, Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he had seen — then he jerked his head around to look again. There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight. What could he have been thinking of? It must have been a trick of the light. **

"Or, it might have been McGonagall!" Sirius shouted, jumping to his feet. "She's a tabby cat, isn't she? She'd be capable of reading a map!"

"Why the heck would she be there?" James snorted.

**Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the cat. It stared back. As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in his mirror. It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive — no, looking at the sign; cats couldn't read maps or signs. Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind. As he drove toward town he thought of nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day.**

"What are drills, by the way?" Sirius asked. "Sounds kind of stupid."

"They're this muggle tool for making holes in wood and that kind of stuff" Lily explained. "Sounds like a pretty boring job though, drills aren't exactly intriguing."

**But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else. **

"Oh no! Say it isn't so!" James screeched dramatically, with Sirius doing matching faces of utter horror. What? There's nothing wrong with coordinating the show!

**As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam, he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about. People in cloaks. Mr. Dursley couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes — the getups you saw on young people! He supposed this was some stupid new fashion. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and his eyes fell on a huddle of these weirdos standing quite close by. They were whispering excitedly together. Mr. Dursley was enraged to see that a couple of them weren't young at all; why, that man had to be older than he was, and wearing an emerald-green cloak! The nerve of him! **

"Yes, how dare he dress like he wants to?" Sirius hissed in a quite accurate impersonation of Mrs. Walburga Black.

**But then it struck Mr. Dursley that this was probably some silly stunt — these people were obviously collecting for something . . . yes, that would be it. The traffic moved on and a few minutes later, Mr. Dursley arrived in the Grunnings parking lot, his mind back on drills.**

"Sure is good at ignoring clear signs" Remus remarked.

"Strange that there even _are_ signs, though" Lily said, frowning again. "I mean, what would make the wizarding world suddenly appear so blatantly obvious to the muggles? Why aren't people being more careful?"

**Mr. Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor. If he hadn't, he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning. He didn't see the owls swooping past in broad daylight, though people down in the street did; they pointed and gazed open-mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead. Most of them had never seen an owl even at nighttime. Mr. Dursley, however, had a perfectly normal, owl-free morning. He yelled at five different people. He made several important telephone calls and shouted a bit more. He was in a very good mood until lunchtime, when he thought he'd stretch his legs and walk across the road to buy himself a bun from the bakery. **

"Oh, a lovely day indeed" Sirius snorted. "Shouting at people and buying fatty buns. Great."

**He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the baker's. He eyed them angrily as he passed. He didn't know why, but they made him uneasy. This bunch were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn't see a single collecting tin. It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut in a bag, that he caught a few words of what they were saying.**

"**The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard —" **

"— **yes, their son, Harry —"**

"Why would people be talking about him on the street like that?" James asked, and for the first time, he looked a bit worried. Remus shrugged and kept reading.

**Mr. Dursley stopped dead. Fear flooded him. He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it.**

**He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office, snapped at his secretary not to disturb him, seized his telephone, and had almost finished dialing his home number when he changed his mind.**

"After all those dramatics?" Sirius huffed.

**He put the receiver back down and stroked his mustache, thinking . . . no, he was being stupid.**

"No news there, then" smirked James.

**Potter wasn't such an unusual name. He was sure there were lots of people called Potter who had a son called Harry. Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure his nephew was called Harry. He'd never even seen the boy. It might have been Harvey. Or Harold. There was no point in worrying Mrs. Dursley; she always got so upset at any mention of her sister. He didn't blame her — if he'd had a sister like that . . . but all the same, those people in cloaks . . . **

"He doesn't even know his nephew's name?" Lily huffed. "And what's with the stupid obsession about pretending she doesn't have a sister? Sounds like _my_ sister."

"You have a sister?" James asked, surprised. "I didn't know."

"She hates me" Lily shrugged. "I think she's jealous about the whole magic thing. She's a muggle."

**He found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon and when he left the building at five o'clock, he was still so worried that he walked straight into someone just outside the door. **

"**Sorry," he grunted, as the tiny old man stumbled and almost fell. It was a few seconds before Mr. Dursley realized that the man was wearing a violet cloak. He didn't seem at all upset at being almost knocked to the ground. On the contrary, his face split into a wide smile and he said in a squeaky voice that made passersby stare, **

"**Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last! Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!"**

There was a stunned silence for a moment, and then James and Sirius, in unison, released a great "WOHOO!" that echoed through the empty, Christmas decorated common room. Remus groaned as his ears pounded with the noise, and Lily gave him a concerned glance.

**And the old man hugged Mr. Dursley around the middle and walked off. Mr. Dursley stood rooted to the spot. He had been hugged by a complete stranger. He also thought he had been called a Muggle, whatever that was. He was rattled. He hurried to his car and set off for home, hoping he was imagining things, which he had never hoped before, because he didn't approve of imagination.**

"Imagination doesn't need your approval, old dumbarse" Remus huffed, absently rubbing his ears.

**As he pulled into the driveway of number four, the first thing he saw — and it didn't improve his mood — was the tabby cat he'd spotted that morning. It was now sitting on his garden wall. He was sure it was the same one; it had the same markings around its eyes.**

"It is McGonagall" Sirius sing-songed, ducking a stinging hex from James.

"**Shoo!" said Mr. Dursley loudly. The cat didn't move. It just gave him a stern look. Was this normal cat behavior? Mr. Dursley wondered. Trying to pull himself together, he let himself into the house. He was still determined not to mention anything to his wife.**

**Mrs. Dursley had had a nice, normal day. She told him over dinner all about Mrs. Next Door's**

"Fancy name" Sirius mocked.

"So is yours, Sirius Idiot."

"That was weak, James."

"… Yes. Yes it was.

**problems with her daughter and how Dudley had learned a new word ("Won't!"). Mr. Dursley tried to act normally. When Dudley had been put to bed, he went into the living room in time to catch the last report on the evening news: **

"**And finally, bird-watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have been behaving very unusually today. Although owls normally hunt at night and are hardly ever seen in daylight, there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in every direction since sunrise. Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern." The newscaster allowed himself a grin. "Most mysterious. And now, over to Jim McGuffin with the weather. Going to be any more showers of owls tonight, Jim?"**

"Lame!" James sang, shaking his head.

"**Well, Ted," said the weatherman, "I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls that have been acting oddly today. Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire, and Dundee have been phoning in to tell me that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've had a downpour of shooting stars! Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early — it's not until next week, folks! But I can**

**promise a wet night tonight."**

**Mr. Dursley sat frozen in his armchair. Shooting stars all over Britain? Owls flying by daylight? Mysterious people in cloaks all over the place? And a whisper, a whisper about the Potters . . .**

**Mrs. Dursley came into the living room carrying two cups of tea. It was no good. He'd have to say something to her. He cleared his throat nervously. "Er — Petunia, dear**

"OH MY FREAKING GOD!"

"What? What?"

James jumped out of his chair, wand out, staring around himself for attackers. Sirius sniggered. Remus raised his eyebrows. Peter remained unconscious on the floor. Lily stared wildly at the book.

"Er… yes." James blushed and sat back down. "What's wrong, Lily Flower?"

"Shut up!" she shrieked at him. "Petunia is my sister's name! And if I'm her sister and Mrs Potter is her sister that means I'm Mrs Potter and that means that _you_ are my husband, and I'm going to kill you!"

Sirius Black would never be called a coward, not when it came to his friends. Even if he'd just been planning how to place a gallon of frog brains in said friend's bed for the night. Anyway, if James was killed, he'd never get to hear the girly screams when the brains were found. So, in a fit of bravery, Sirius threw himself in front of James as Lily whipped out her wand… only to trip upon the edge of the rug and fall flat to the floor. Remus gave a long-suffering sigh and stepped in front of James instead, making sure to step lightly upon Sirius' splayed form.

"Lily, you don't want to do that" he said in a soothing voice. "It's the future. He's not done anything yet."

"Wait…" James said dazedly from behind him. "I… marry Lily? I MARRY LILY? OH MY GOD, THE FUTURE IS GREAT!"

"This is the time that I would like you to apply a defence technique called 'shut the fuck up', Jamesie-poo" Remus drawled, but wisely took a step back seeing the murderous expression on Lily's face.

"I'm going to kill you, you pompous, bigheaded, arrogant moron!" she shrieked, but Sirius '_Gryffindor's true heir_' Black, bravely enough, stepped in to nobly save his best mate from certain doom.

"You don't want to kill him, Evans" he said sagely, holding up a feeble hand from his position on the ground underneath Remus' feet. "Then you'd be a widow."

Remus sighed again. And again. And once more.

"Lily" he said at last, having first pinched the bridge of his nose and loudly counted to thirteen, to the bemusement of all. "Lily, please don't kill him. At least not yet. Perhaps the book gives an explanation to how you could possibly do such a horrendous thing as marrying Prongs," he kicked James in the shin to stop his protest, "and then, if it involves Confundus charms, a dare, or the Imperius Curse, you can kill him. And when you do, please take Sirius too, so that my brain can be spared from their idiocy. Amen."

Lily narrowed her eyes at him. Sirius would have, too, except for the fact that he was eyeing Prongs, wondering if a Confundus would be enough to make Lily marry him, or if they needed something stronger to get rid of the sight of James constantly mooning over Lily. His hand reached to get his wand out, and then he giggled at the double entrendre of that sentence, only to whimper when Remus stomped on his hand.

"See?" he said. "Wait for a while, and if he somehow wronged you to make you marry him, you can have them both. Please save me from this. Lily. For me."

She giggled, making James' mouth loll open as he drooled. Sirius stared up at Remus with a mixture of admiration and annoyance. Admiration for the fact that he'd just offered Lily to kill his two best mates if she waited for a while, and annoyance at the fact that he just managed to calm the shrieking and smoking volcano called Lily Evans with just _words_ and no aid of tranquilizer. Oh wait. Turn that around. Admiration for calming and annoyance for killing. Or well…

"Alright" Lily said at last. "For you, Remus. Keep reading then."

Remus sat back down, pointing his wand at James to slam his drooling mouth shut before picking the book up again.

— **you haven't heard from your sister lately, have you?" As he had expected, Mrs. Dursley looked shocked and angry. After all, they normally pretended she didn't have a sister. **

"Kind of you" Lily said, rather icily. "I'll make sure to return the favour."

"**No," she said sharply. "Why?"**

"**Funny stuff on the news," Mr. Dursley mumbled. "Owls . . . shooting stars . . . and there were a lot of funny-looking people in town today . . ."**

"**So?" snapped Mrs. Dursley.**

"**Well, I just thought . . . maybe . . . it was something to do with . . . you know . . . her crowd." Mrs. Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips. Mr. Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he'd heard the name "Potter." He decided he didn't dare. **

"Coward" James muttered, giving Lily a wary glance.

**Instead he said, as casually as he could,**

"**Their son — he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?"**

"**I suppose so," said Mrs. Dursley stiffly.**

"**What's his name again? Howard, isn't it?"**

"**Harry. Nasty, common name, if you ask me."**

"It's a perfectly fine name!" Lily snarled. "Surely I chose it. Potter would name the poor kid _Elvendork_ or something like that."

"It's a perfectly fine name!" James protested, frowning at her. "It can be used for both a boy and a girl, even!"

There was a moment of silence, and then Lily squealed, rather high pitchedly, making Remus wince.

"OH MY GOD, I HAVE A SON!"

"**Oh, yes," said Mr. Dursley, his heart sinking horribly. "Yes, I quite agree."**

**He didn't say another word on the subject as they went upstairs to bed. While Mrs. Dursley was in the bathroom, Mr. Dursley crept to the bedroom window and peered down into the front garden.**

**The cat was still there. It was staring down Privet Drive as though it were waiting for something.**

"That's because it is McGon-"

It turned out that James was quite adept in Silencing Charms. It also turned out that James ought to be spanked with a squealing beaver, Sirius decided as he sought his wand to undo the charm, only to find it securely grasped in the hand of his future beaver-spanking victim.

**Was he imagining things? Could all this have anything to do with the Potters? If it did . . . if it got out that they were related to a pair of — well, he didn't think he could bear it. **

"I couldn't bear it either" Sirius mouthed, causing James to throw the nearest throwable object at him… which happened to be his wand. Nursing the stick-shaped red mark on his forehead while non-verbally undoing the silencing charm, Sirius grinned. Sirius Orion Black always wins… eventually.

**The Dursleys got into bed. Mrs. Dursley fell asleep quickly but Mr. Dursley lay awake, turning it all over in his mind. His last, comforting thought before he fell asleep was that even if the Potters were involved, there was no reason for them to come near him and Mrs. Dursley. The Potters knew very well what he and Petunia thought about them and their kind. . . . He couldn't see how he and Petunia could get mixed up in anything that might be going on — he yawned and turned over — it couldn't affect them. . . . How very wrong he was.**

"We're coming to get them!" James singsonged, and for once, Lily grinned at his antics.

**Mr. Dursley might have been drifting into an uneasy sleep, but the cat on the wall outside was showing no sign of sleepiness. It was sitting as still as a statue, its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive. It didn't so much as quiver when a car door slammed on the next street, nor when two owls swooped overhead. In fact, it was nearly midnight before the cat moved at all.**

**A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching, appeared so suddenly and silently you'd have thought he'd just popped out of the ground. The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed. **

**Nothing like this man had ever been seen on Privet Drive. He was tall, thin, and very old, judging by the silver of his hair and beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt. He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak that swept the ground, and high-heeled, buckled boots. His blue eyes were light, bright, and sparkling behind half-moon spectacles and his nose was very long and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice. This man's name was Albus Dumbledore.**

"Er…" James muttered. "Perhaps _Dumbledore_ is coming to get them, then."

**Albus Dumbledore didn't seem to realize that he had just arrived in a street where everything from his name to his boots was unwelcome. He was busy rummaging in his cloak, looking for something. But he did seem to realize he was being watched, because he looked up suddenly at the cat, which was still staring at him from the other end of the street. For some reason, the sight of the cat seemed to amuse him. He chuckled and muttered, **

"**I should have known." **

**He found what he was looking for in his inside pocket. It seemed to be a silver cigarette lighter. He flicked it open, held it up in the air, and clicked it. The nearest street lamp went out with a little pop. He clicked it again — the next lamp flickered into darkness. Twelve times he clicked the Put-Outer, until the only lights left on the whole street were two tiny pinpricks in the distance, which were the eyes of the cat watching him. **

"That is one cool whatchamacallit!" Sirius shouted. "I want one!"

"I should use one on you" Remus snarked. "After all, when it comes to you, the light is always on but no one is home. This Put-Outer thing would be useful in fixing that problem."

"You're mean, Moony" Sirius whined.

**If anyone looked out of their window now, even beady-eyed Mrs. Dursley, they wouldn't be able to see anything that was happening down on the pavement. Dumbledore slipped the Put-Outer back inside his cloak and set off down the street toward number four, where he sat down on the wall next to the cat. He didn't look at it, but after a moment he spoke to it.**

"**Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall."**

Sirius triumphant little dance was kind of ruined by the tripping jinx James threw at him. He frowned at his mate, but did not get up.

**He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone. Instead he was smiling at a rather severe-looking woman who was wearing square glasses exactly the shape of the markings the cat had had around its eyes. She, too, was wearing a cloak, an emerald one. Her black hair was drawn into a tight bun. She looked distinctly ruffled. **

"**How did you know it was me?" she asked.**

"**My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly."**

"**You'd be stiff if you'd been sitting on a brick wall all day," said Professor McGonagall.**

"**All day? When you could have been celebrating? I must have passed a dozen feasts and parties on my way here."**

**Professor McGonagall sniffed angrily.**

"**Oh yes, everyone's celebrating, all right," she said impatiently. "You'd think they'd be a bit more careful, but no — even the Muggles have noticed something's going on. It was on their news." She jerked her head back at the Dursleys' dark living-room window. "I heard it. Flocks of owls . . . shooting stars. . . . Well, they're not completely stupid. They were bound to notice something. Shooting stars down in Kent — I'll bet that was Dedalus Diggle. He never had much sense."**

"**You can't blame them," said Dumbledore gently. "We've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years."**

"Eleven years?" Lily whispered. "No one managed to stop Voldemort for eleven years?"

"**I know that," said Professor McGonagall irritably. "But that's no reason to lose our heads. People are being downright careless, out on the streets in broad daylight, not even dressed in Muggle clothes, swapping rumors."**

**She threw a sharp, sideways glance at Dumbledore here, as though hoping he was going to tell her something, but he didn't, so she went on. "A fine thing it would be if, on the very day You-Know-Who seems to have disappeared at last, the Muggles found out about us all. I suppose he really has gone, Dumbledore?"**

"**It certainly seems so," said Dumbledore. "We have much to be thankful for. Would you care for a lemon drop?"**

"Dumbles and his sweets" Sirius murmured from his spot on the floor.

"**A what?"**

"**A lemon drop. They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of."**

"**No, thank you," said Professor McGonagall coldly, as though she didn't think this was the moment for lemon drops. **

"As if she ever thinks it's the moment for lemon drops" James sniffed.

"**As I say, even if You-Know-Who has gone —"**

"**My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this 'You-Know-Who' nonsense — for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: Voldemort." Professor McGonagall flinched, but Dumbledore, who was unsticking two lemon drops, seemed not to notice.**

"Oh how convenient" Lily murmured. "Get to the point, please."

"**It all gets so confusing if we keep saying 'You-Know-Who.' I have never seen any reason to be frightened of saying Voldemort's name."**

"Yeah, what if they _don't_ know who?" Sirius said randomly, gaining odd glances from the others.

"**I know you haven't," said Professor McGonagall, sounding half exasperated, half admiring. "But you're different. Everyone knows you're the only one You-Know- oh, all right, Voldemort, was frightened of."**

"**You flatter me," said Dumbledore calmly. "Voldemort had powers I will never have."**

"He's just too _noble_ to use them" Lily said, shaking her head.

"**Only because you're too — well — noble to use them."**

"Apparently, you're like McGonagall in more ways than just the glaring habit" Remus remarked as Lily looked somewhat startled. James looked kind of envious that his werewolf friend was allowed to joke around with Lily in such ways without getting his knees hexed off.

"**It's lucky its dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs."**

"Bit too much information" Sirius sniggered.

**Professor McGonagall shot a sharp look at Dumbledore and said, **

"**The owls are nothing next to the rumors that are flying around. You know what everyone's saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?"**

"I would like to know that too" Remus murmured, frowning.

**It seemed that Professor McGonagall had reached the point she was most anxious to discuss, the real reason she had been waiting on a cold, hard wall all day, for neither as a cat nor as a woman had she fixed Dumbledore with such a piercing stare as she did now. It was plain that whatever "everyone" was saying, she was not going to believe it until Dumbledore told her it was true. Dumbledore, however, was choosing another lemon drop and did not answer.**

"**What they're saying," she pressed on, "is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godric's Hollow. He went to find the Potters. The rumor is that Lily and James Potter are — are — that they're — dead."**

The room was suddenly all silence. James' eyes widened to the size of dinner plates… or somewhere close to it. Lily looked shocked, her cheeks pale. Remus held numbly onto the book. Peter remained blissfully unconscious.

Sirius' reaction was in many ways the most surprising, even to himself. He threw his arms around James' knees, staring wildly up at him.

"No!" he breathed. "You can't die, James, you can't." He felt odd. In a way, it felt like he couldn't breathe without something strange and forbidden threatening to break out of his chest. His eyes burned. James stared at him as though he'd never seen him before. Quidditch-roughened hands grasped a handful of his hair to make him tilt his head upwards a bit.

"Sirius, you're crying."

"No, I'm not" he said quickly, angry with himself, pushing all the weird feelings back into the back of his head. "Blacks don't cry."

He was surprised, and somewhat reassured, to feel Remus hand on his shoulder.

"Well, you're not much of a Black anymore, now you've been disowned, are you?" the werewolf said, an almost gentle tone to his voice. "And Prongs, it'll be alright. Now we know of this. Perhaps the book says where you were killed or when, or how, or anything like that. We'll stop it. We won't let anyone kill you and Lily. Sirius, Peter and I will make sure Voldemort doesn't get a chance at hurting you. It's alright. It's not happened yet."

"I sure as hell am not going to leave my son an orphan" Lily said from behind them, sounding as though she was coming out of the shock. "Even if it means I'll have to be married to you for eternity, Potter."

Oddly, it seemed to cheer James up a little. Sirius frowned, but decided that a smile was in order. Perhaps they were right. Perhaps it would be alright.

Remus grinned, but there was sadness and anger in his eyes nonetheless.

"I'll keep reading, shall I?" he said.

**Dumbledore bowed his head. Professor McGonagall gasped.**

"**Lily and James . . . I can't believe it . . . I didn't want to believe it . . . Oh, Albus. . ."**

**Dumbledore reached out and patted her on the shoulder. "I know . . . I know . . ." he said heavily.**

"Since when do they care _that_ much about us?" James questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"Perhaps we get closer once we're out of school and you guys are no longer hanging people's undies around McGonagall's classroom" Lily suggested, giving them a slight glare. "That was a really stupid prank, by the way."

**Professor McGonagall's voice trembled as she went on. "That's not all. They're saying he tried to kill the Potters' son, Harry. But — he couldn't. He couldn't kill that little boy. No one knows why, or how, but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke — and that's why he's gone."**

"What the heck?" Sirius shouted. "Your _kid_ killed Voldemort?"

**Dumbledore nodded glumly.**

"**It's — it's true?" faltered Professor McGonagall. "After all he's done . . . all the people he's killed . . . he couldn't kill a little boy? It's just astounding . . . of all the things to stop him . . . but how in the name of heaven did Harry survive?"**

"**We can only guess," said Dumbledore. "We may never know."**

"You just say that because you don't want to tell us" James muttered.

**Professor McGonagall pulled out a lace handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes beneath her spectacles. Dumbledore gave a great sniff as he took a golden watch from his pocket and examined it. It was a very odd watch. It had twelve hands but no numbers; instead, little planets were moving around the edge. It must have made sense to Dumbledore, though, because he put it back in his pocket and said,**

"**Hagrid's late. I suppose it was he who told you I'd be here, by the way?"**

"**Yes," said Professor McGonagall. "And I don't suppose you're going to tell me why you're here, of all places?"**

"**I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle. They're the only family he has left now."**

"WHAT?" Lily screamed, waving her wand randomly with her anger and accidentally turning Sirius' armchair into a hippo and making the pillow behind his head start laughing manically.

"Er… oops" Remus muttered, undoing the magic as she got to her feet to pace in front of them.

"Er… Lily?" James tried, but she snarled at him.

"My sister is _not_ going to raise my child!" she spat. "She's going to treat him like bloody _vermin_! Black, you bastard! Why aren't you there?"

Mr. Sirius Black, winner of the Most Handsome Guy at Hogwarts Award (which he'd created himself, thank you very much), jumped slightly at being yelled at all of a sudden.

"What?" he said weakly (for anyone actively defying Lily Evans while she glared like that must be practically brainless). "Why are you turning on me, all of a sudden?"

"You'd be the Godfather" James said unexpectedly, frowning at him. "Yeah, mate, where the hell are you?"

"How should I know?" he spluttered. "It's the bloody future, man!"

"**You don't mean — you can't mean the people who live here?" cried Professor McGonagall, jumping to her feet and pointing at number four. "Dumbledore — you can't. I've been watching them all day. You couldn't find two people who are less like us. And they've got this son — I saw him kicking his mother all the way up the street, screaming for sweets. Harry Potter come and live here!" **

"Seems McGonagall is on our side at least" Lily muttered sourly, sitting back down.

"**It's the best place for him," said Dumbledore firmly. "His aunt and uncle will be able to explain everything to him when he's older. I've written them a letter."**

"A letter?" Remus said, sounding stunned. "How can he possibly make them understand the issue and turn them into decent people in a single letter?"

"He doesn't understand" Lily snarled, looking kind of like an angry beast. If she was an animagus, and turned into that kind of beast, Sirius sure hoped she'd be one who ate deer. He could imagine how much he'd laugh at Prongs in that case. As a matter of fact, he had a hard time _not_ laughing at the mental picture.

"**A letter?" repeated Professor McGonagall faintly, sitting back down on the wall. "Really, Dumbledore, you think you can explain all this in a letter? These people will never understand him! He'll be famous — a legend — I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter Day in the future — there will be books written about Harry — every child in our world will know his name!"**

"**Exactly," said Dumbledore, looking very seriously over the top of his half-moon glasses. "It would be enough to turn any boy's head. Famous before he can walk and talk! Famous for something he won't even remember! Can't you see how much better off he'll be, growing up away from all that until he's ready to take it?"**

"Especially if his father is James '_My head is bigger than Venus_' Potter" Remus stated. "Er… not that I approve of leaving the poor kid with the Dursley Dunderheads."

"What's with all the stupid bloody names?" James whined. "I thought only Sirius did that kind of stuff!"

"I found his diary, and I realized it was kind of entertaining" Remus deadpanned.

"WHAT?" Sirius squealed. In a very manly way, mind you.

**Professor McGonagall opened her mouth, changed her mind, swallowed, and then said, **

"**Yes — yes, you're right, of course. But how is the boy getting here, Dumbledore?" She eyed his cloak suddenly as though she thought he might be hiding Harry underneath it.**

"He better not be" Lily huffed. "He'd suffocate!"

"**Hagrid's bringing him."**

"**You think it — wise — to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?"**

"**I would trust Hagrid with my life," said Dumbledore.**

"**I'm not saying his heart isn't in the right place," said Professor McGonagall grudgingly, "but you can't pretend he's not careless. He does tend to — what was that?"**

**A low rumbling sound had broken the silence around them. It grew steadily louder as they looked up and down the street for some sign of a headlight; it swelled to a roar as they both looked up at the sky — and a huge motorcycle fell out of the air and landed on the road in front of them.**

"OH!" Sirius drooled. "I want one!"

**If the motorcycle was huge, it was nothing to the man sitting astride it. He was almost twice as tall as a normal man and at least five times as wide. He looked simply too big to be allowed, and so wild — long tangles of bushy black hair and beard hid most of his face, he had hands the size of trash can lids, and his feet in their leather boots were like baby dolphins. In his vast, muscular arms he was holding a bundle of blankets.**

"**Hagrid," said Dumbledore, sounding relieved. "At last. And where did you get that motorcycle?"**

"**Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir," said the giant, climbing carefully off the motorcycle as he spoke. "Young Sirius Black lent it to me. **

"I _have_ one!" Sirius beamed.

**I've got him, sir."**

"**No problems, were there?"**

"**No, sir — house was almost destroyed, but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin' around. He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol."**

**Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall bent forward over the bundle of blankets. Inside, just visible, was a baby boy, fast asleep.**

**Under a tuft of jet-black hair over his forehead they could see a curiously shaped cut, like a bolt of lightning.**

"Aww, baby Harry" Lily cooed.

"Sounds like he looks like me" James said proudly, peeking at her out of the corner of his eye to see her reaction. She frowned.

"Well" she said at last, scowling at him, "you were probably cute as a baby too… before you could _talk_."

"And when his head was a tad smaller" Remus supplied mildly.

"Hey!" James protested. "Whose side are you on?"

"**Is that where — ?" whispered Professor McGonagall.**

"**Yes," said Dumbledore. "He'll have that scar forever."**

"**Couldn't you do something about it, Dumbledore?"**

"**Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground. Well — give him here, Hagrid — we'd better get this over with."**

**Dumbledore took Harry in his arms and turned toward the Dursleys' house.**

"**Could I — could I say good-bye to him, sir?" asked Hagrid. He bent his great, shaggy head over Harry and gave him what must have been a very scratchy, whiskery kiss. Then, suddenly, Hagrid let out a howl like a wounded dog.**

"**Shhh!" hissed Professor McGonagall, "you'll wake the Muggles!"**

"**S-s-sorry," sobbed Hagrid, taking out a large, spotted handkerchief and burying his face in it. "But I c-c-can't stand it — Lily an' James dead — an' poor little Harry off ter live with Muggles —"**

"**Yes, yes, its all very sad, but get a grip on yourself, Hagrid, or we'll be found," Professor McGonagall whispered, patting Hagrid gingerly on the arm as Dumbledore stepped over the low garden wall and walked to the front door. He laid Harry gently on the doorstep, took a letter out of his cloak, tucked it inside Harry's blankets, and then came back to the other two. For a full minute the three of them stood and looked at the little bundle; Hagrid's shoulders shook, Professor McGonagall blinked furiously, and the twinkling light that usually shone from Dumbledore's eyes seemed to have gone out.**

"He deserves it, for leaving _my_ son with bloody muggles like them" Lily growled dangerously. No one dared contradict her, wisely enough.

"**Well," said Dumbledore finally, "that's that. We've no business staying here. We may as well go and join the celebrations."**

"**Yeah," said Hagrid in a very muffled voice, "I'd best get this bike away. G'night, Professor McGonagall — Professor Dumbledore, sir."**

**Wiping his streaming eyes on his jacket sleeve, Hagrid swung himself onto the motorcycle and kicked the engine into life; with a roar it rose into the air and off into the night.**

"**I shall see you soon, I expect, Professor McGonagall," said Dumbledore, nodding to her. Professor McGonagall blew her nose in reply.**

**Dumbledore turned and walked back down the street. On the corner he stopped and took out the silver Put-Outer. He clicked it once, and twelve balls of light sped back to their street lamps so that Privet Drive glowed suddenly orange and he could make out a tabby cat slinking around the corner at the other end of the street.**

**He could just see the bundle of blankets on the step of number four.**

"**Good luck, Harry," he murmured. He turned on his heel and with a swish of his cloak, he was gone.**

"If you were using that brain of yours he wouldn't _need_ that luck!" Lily scowled.

**A breeze ruffled the neat hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent and tidy under the inky sky, the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen. Harry Potter rolled over inside his blankets without waking up. One small hand closed on the letter beside him and he slept on, not knowing he was special, not knowing he was famous, not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs. Dursley's scream as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles,**

"Ouch" James muttered. "No one should have to wake up to _that_."

**nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and pinched by his cousin Dudley. . . **

"That boy needs a spanking with a squealing beaver" Sirius stated, receiving various odd looks once more. He ignored them, as was fit for the Heir of _Whatever the Hell it Could Be After Leaving the Idiot Black Family_.

**He couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices: "To Harry Potter — the boy who lived!"**

"Who wants to read next?" Remus asked quietly. "I don't think I want to read the next one. And we should wake Peter up too, or he'll go pee in your beds when he sees he's missed so much of the future book."


	3. Lily's Vanishing Restraint

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: So, I decided that I'd update. Yay me. I deserve an award, clearly. You can send it to me personally. I'd also be grateful for some, eh, financial help, because I want to go to London and that's expensive. Also… Er, forget it. Hope you like the chapter! By the way, all these different documents are making me very confused. Not that I'm not usually confused…_

_DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, nada, ingenting. Every single thing belong to their lovely owners, who aren't me, clearly. _

**-CHAPTER THREE-**

**-Lily's Vanishing Restraint-**

As was to be expected, Peter wasn't too overjoyed to learn that they'd been sitting around reading the book without him while he was passed out. But, being Peter, he only sulked for a little while. That was the great thing with old Wormtail, Sirius reflected. As compensation for his suffering (Remus was completely serious when he said it, but Sirius could swear he saw the cheeky little werewolf sniggering afterwards), they let Peter read the next chapter, even if Sirius had wanted to do it. Oh well. He'd survive. Possibly. Maybe, if he was lucky.

Sadly, the prospect of Mr Padfoot dying from lack of reading was something Remus had seen coming for a long time, and thus not even the pleadings of the 'dying' man was enough to convince him to give up the chocolate he'd hidden underneath his bed. Though, he supposed he'd have to Obliviate them all later, as he had no idea _how_ they knew where he'd hidden his treasure. But everything in its own time, Remus reminded himself, ignoring the fact that he was currently gazing at a book that was most certainly not in its own time.

"Read, Wormtail" he said instead, leaning back in his armchair and kicking Sirius, who was writhing in death upon the floor. So Peter, giving Sirius a nervous look while wondering if he was really dying or if he just wanted candy, raised the book and started to read.

"The Vanishing Glass" he said, frowning.

"How bad, if he starts drinking already, I mean" Sirius said seriously (pun seriously intended). James smacked him around the head.

"That's my son you're talking about, you git!"

"Besides, he's like eleven or something" Wormtail muttered. "Let me read."

**Nearly ten years had passed since the Dursleys had woken up to find their nephew on the front step, but Privet Drive had hardly changed at all. The sun rose on the same tidy front gardens and lit up the brass number four on the Dursleys' front door; it crept into their living room, which was almost exactly the same as it had been on the night when Mr. Dursley had seen that fateful news report about the owls. Only the photographs on the mantelpiece really showed how much time had passed. Ten years ago, there had been lots of pictures of what looked like a large pink beach ball wearing different-colored bonnets**

"How nice" Lily muttered sarcastically. "Sounds like a very pretty child."

— **but Dudley Dursley was no longer a baby, and now the photographs showed a large blond boy riding his first bicycle, on a carousel at the fair, playing a computer game with his father, being hugged and kissed by his mother. The room held no sign at all that another boy lived in the house, too.**

"What do you mean by that?" James growled. "They spoil their own stupid brat but Harry doesn't even exist for them? What kind of parents are they?"

"A pair that aren't Harry's" Remus murmured, absently rubbing Sirius' upturned back with his feet. Sirius was silent, lying spread on the floor, but no longer feigning death. Only an idiot would pass up on a free backrub, even if it was performed with a pair of feet.

**Yet Harry Potter was still there, asleep at the moment, but not for long. His Aunt Petunia was awake and it was her shrill voice that made the first noise of the day.**

"**Up! Get up! Now!"**

"Bet she wakes up that Dudley kid the _exact_ same way" Lily murmured.

**Harry woke with a start. His aunt rapped on the door again. **

"**Up!" she screeched. Harry heard her walking toward the kitchen and then the sound of the frying pan being put on the stove. He rolled onto his back and tried to remember the dream he had been having. It had been a good one. There had been a flying motorcycle in it. He had a funny feeling he'd had the same dream before.**

"He can remember that?" Remus asked, impressed. "I mean, he was just a baby."

"Perhaps he's got a good memory" James suggested.

"No, really?"

**His aunt was back outside the door.**

"**Are you up yet?" she demanded.**

"**Nearly," said Harry.**

"**Well, get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon. And don't you dare let it burn, I want everything perfect on Duddy's birthday."**

"WHAT?" Lily shrieked, and Remus, who had read Lord of the Rings several times, mused that she could have been a great singer at the Nazgûl's birthday party. "HOW DARE SHE MAKE MY SON COOK FOR HER FAT WHALE OF A HUSBAND AND KID? He's ten years old! He could burn himself, forget about the bloody bacon! I am _so_ going to kick her arse with a frying pan!"

"May I assist you?" James muttered, grinding his teeth and glaring at the offending work of literature. Lily looked startled at hearing his voice, and stared at him rather dumbly for a moment (though no one would dare tell her so).

"Er… yes" she said weakly at last. "I guess."

**Harry groaned.**

"**What did you say?" his aunt snapped through the door.**

"**Nothing, nothing . . ."**

**Dudley's birthday — how could he have forgotten?**

"Must have been hard, I guess the beach ball kid would have been yabbering about it all the time" Peter commented in a voice unusually hard to be his.

**Harry got slowly out of bed and started looking for socks. He found a pair under his bed and, after pulling a spider off one of them, put them on. Harry was used to spiders, because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them, and that was where he slept.**

The explosion was not entirely unexpected. Remus, who had been reading over Peter's shoulder, had at least expected it enough to slap his hands over his ears in time to block out at least part of the furious scream Lily let out as she jumped to her feet.

"THE BASTARDS!" she shouted. "I will have a word with Tuney about this! I'll turn her husband into a buffalo and have him for dinner! I'll… I'll…"

"_Silencio_" Remus muttered, and his ears rejoiced. "Lily, I know you're upset, but please don't scream. I've got sensitive ears."

"Besides" James added, fuming at the book, "I doubt you'd want to eat that buffalo. You'd be contaminated with boringness."

"And that, my fine lady" Sirius announced, "is one sickness even St. Mungo's cannot treat! I suggest you lock him in a tiny cupboard. He deserves the claustrophobia."

Surprised silence was what met his words, even as Remus non-verbally reversed the spell on Lily. James' eyes were wide, and Peter had his mouth open.

"What?" Sirius snapped. "I give fine advice and I get staring in return?"

"Oh, it was great advice" Remus said at last. "We just didn't realize you could use big words."

"Shut it."

**When he was dressed he went down the hall into the kitchen. The table was almost hidden beneath all Dudley's birthday presents. It looked as though Dudley had gotten the new computer he wanted, not to mention the second television and the racing bike.**

"Er… racing bike?" James questioned. "Doesn't sound like something for him? I mean, if he wants to move quickly, why not just buy him an enormous cannon? It'd be more consistent with his shape."

**Exactly why Dudley wanted a racing bike was a mystery to Harry, as Dudley was very fat and hated exercise — unless of course it involved punching somebody. Dudley's favorite punching bag was Harry, but he couldn't often catch him. Harry didn't look it, but he was very fast.**

"At least that's good" Remus sighed. "Of course, you don't have to be so fast to escape a waddling boy who hates exercise."

"Have you experienced it yourself?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow.

**Perhaps it had something to do with living in a dark cupboard, but Harry had always been small and skinny for his age. He looked even smaller and skinnier than he really was because all he had to wear were old clothes of Dudley's, and Dudley was about four times bigger than he was. **

"They can't even buy him new clothes?" Lily whispered, looking more downcast than angry by now. James eyed the empty spot next to her, but he remained where he was. After all, willingly throwing himself in front of a well-aimed hex wasn't such a smart idea, and whatever Lily thought of James Potter, he wasn't _that_ stupid.

**Harry had a thin face,**

"Like his dad!" Sirius informed the amazed and astounded group of friends and enemies.

**knobbly knees,**

"Like his dad!"

**black hair, **

"Like his _dad_!"

**and bright green eyes.**

"Like his d- oh wait…"

"Ye-e-es?" Lily questioned, a dangerous look on her face. Sirius, however randomly confusing his everyday rambles were, _did _have a sense of self-preservation, so he just smiled sheepishly and pretended to be a part of the rug he was lying on. To make it a bit more convincing, Remus very kindly slammed his bare feet onto his back. Sirius, the ungrateful dog, wasn't happy.

**He wore round glasses held together with a lot of Scotch tape because of all the times Dudley had punched him on the nose.**

"I'd like to punch _you_ on the nose, Dumbley" James murmured, clenching his fists. Lily eyed him oddly.

**The only thing Harry liked about his own appearance was a very thin scar on his forehead that was shaped like a bolt of lightning. He had had it as long as he could remember, and the first question he could ever remember asking his Aunt Petunia was how he had gotten it.**

"**In the car crash when your parents died," she had said. "And don't ask questions."**

"Car crash?" Remus growled, and he had to push the wolf back to keep from actually _snarling_ at the book. "Because Voldemort is so much like an old Volvo."

"Indeed he is, Moony" Peter murmured. "Indeed he is."

Lily muttered something that Remus could have sworn sounded like, "I should crash _their_ car".

**Don't ask questions — that was the first rule for a quiet life with the Dursleys. Uncle Vernon entered the kitchen as Harry was turning over the bacon.**

"**Comb your hair!" he barked, by way of a morning greeting.**

**About once a week, Uncle Vernon looked over the top of his newspaper and shouted that Harry needed a haircut. Harry must have had more haircuts than the rest of the boys in his class put together, but it made no difference, his hair simply grew that way — all over the place.**

"You bastard" Lily shot at James, who looked up, confused. "You gave him your stupid broomstick hair!"

"Good name for it, though" Sirius said cheerfully.

**Harry was frying eggs by the time Dudley arrived in the kitchen with his mother. Dudley looked a lot like Uncle Vernon. He had a large pink face, not much neck, small, watery blue eyes, and thick blond hair that lay smoothly on his thick, fat head. Aunt Petunia often said that Dudley looked like a baby angel - Harry often said that Dudley looked like a pig in a wig.**

"I'm ready to agree with that" Lily said.

The silence was incredulous. Sirius looked as though Christmas had come early. James just gaped.

"What?" Lily snapped, irritated. "She attacks my son, I'll attack hers!"

**Harry put the plates of egg and bacon on the table, which was difficult as there wasn't much room. Dudley, meanwhile, was counting his presents. His face fell.**

"**Thirty-six," he said, looking up at his mother and father. "That's two less than last year."**

"Why you spoiled little…" James growled. "Even _I_ don't get that many gifts, and I used to think _I _was kind of spoiled!"

"**Darling, you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, it's here under this big one from Mommy and Daddy."**

"**All right, thirty-seven then," said Dudley, going red in the face. Harry, who could see a huge Dudley tantrum coming on, began wolfing down his bacon as fast as possible in case Dudley turned the table over.**

"Seems like he has experience" Sirius muttered darkly.

**Aunt Petunia obviously scented danger, too, because she said quickly, "And we'll buy you another two presents while we're out today. How's that, popkin? Two more presents. Is that all right?"**

**Dudley thought for a moment. It looked like hard work. Finally he said slowly, "So I'll have thirty . . . thirty . . ."**

"**Thirty-nine, sweetums," said Aunt Petunia.**

"**Oh." Dudley sat down heavily and grabbed the nearest parcel. "All right then."**

"And how will that help?" Lily protested angrily. "He'll just be a spoiled little brat all his life if she gives him everything he wants every time he acts up!"

"You'll be a good mother, Evans" James said quietly, but she heard him and blushed, avoiding his gaze.

**Uncle Vernon chuckled.**

"**Little tyke wants his money's worth, just like his father. 'Atta boy, Dudley!" He ruffled Dudley's hair. At that moment the telephone rang and Aunt Petunia went to answer it while Harry and Uncle Vernon watched Dudley unwrap the racing bike, a video camera, a remote control airplane, sixteen new computer games, and a VCR. He was ripping the paper off a gold wristwatch when Aunt Petunia came back from the telephone looking both angry and worried.**

"**Bad news, Vernon," she said. "Mrs. Figg's broken her leg. She can't take him." She jerked her head in Harry's direction.**

"He's sitting right there!" Sirius protested. "Don't pretend he cannot hear you!"

**Dudley's mouth fell open in horror, but Harry's heart gave a leap. Every year on Dudley's birthday, his parents took him and a friend out for the day, to adventure parks, hamburger restaurants, or the movies. Every year, Harry was left behind with Mrs. Figg, a mad old lady who lived two streets away. Harry hated it there. The whole house smelled of cabbage and Mrs. Figg made him look at photographs of all the cats she'd ever owned.**

"Now I understand he hates it there" Sirius muttered. "_Cats_."

"What's wrong with cats?" Lily asked, momentarily knocked off her anger.

"Sirius is just stupid" Remus smirked. "He is, er, scared to death of cats."

"Then I know what I'll get for a pet" Lily murmured.

Remus either did not notice Sirius giving him the patented Glare of Doom™, or he simply ignored it. After all, living with Sirius Black in one little dormitory gives a person certain defense mechanisms.

"**Now what?" said Aunt Petunia, looking furiously at Harry as though he'd planned this. Harry knew he ought to feel sorry that Mrs. Figg had broken her leg, but it wasn't easy when he reminded himself it would be a whole year before he had to look at Tibbies, Snowy, Mr. Paws, and Tufty again.**

"I should reprimand him for being so unkind," Lily muttered, "but I understand what he means."

"**We could phone Marge," Uncle Vernon suggested.**

"**Don't be silly, Vernon, she hates the boy."**

"Yeah?" James growled. "I bet he hates her too!"

**The Dursleys often spoke about Harry like this, as though he wasn't there — or rather, as though he was something very nasty that couldn't understand them, like a slug.**

"How kind of them" muttered Lily icily. "I'll show her slug."

"**What about what's-her-name, your friend — Yvonne?"**

"**On vacation in Majorca," snapped Aunt Petunia.**

"**You could just leave me here," Harry put in hopefully (he'd be able to watch what he wanted on television for a change and maybe even have a go on Dudley's computer).**

**Aunt Petunia looked as though she'd just swallowed a lemon.**

"**And come back and find the house in ruins?" she snarled.**

"He wouldn't bloody destroy the house!" James protested. "What kind of kid would he be to do that?"

"Er… your kid, Prongs?" Remus snarked. Lily's glare caused him to backtrack with impressive speed, however. "Not that Petunia isn't an idiot who _deserves_ to have her house in ruins."

"I thought you'd say that, Remus my friend" Lily answered sweetly.

"**I won't blow up the house," said Harry, but they weren't listening.**

"**I suppose we could take him to the zoo," said Aunt Petunia slowly, ". . . and leave him in the car. . . ."**

"**That cars new, he's not sitting in it alone. . . ."**

"He's not a _dog!_" Lily snarled at the book, and if looks could have killed, the poor work of literature would have been dead thrice over by now.

"What's wrong with dogs?" Sirius muttered under his breath, escaping Lily's death glare by inches.

**Dudley began to cry loudly. In fact, he wasn't really crying — it had been years since he'd really cried — but he knew that if he screwed up his face and wailed, his mother would give him anything he wanted.**

"Spoiled brat" Peter muttered.

"**Dinky Duddydums, don't cry, Mummy won't let him spoil your special day!" she cried, flinging her arms around him.**

"**I . . . don't . . . want . . . him . . . t-t-to come!" Dudley yelled between huge, pretend sobs. "He always sp-spoils everything!" He shot Harry a nasty grin through the gap in his mothers arms.**

**Just then, the doorbell rang — "Oh, good Lord, they're here!" said Aunt Petunia frantically — and a moment later, Dudley's best friend, Piers Polkiss, walked in with his mother. Piers was a scrawny boy with a face like a rat. He was usually the one who held people's arms behind their backs while Dudley hit them. Dudley stopped pretending to cry at once.**

"Naturally" James muttered. "I'd go kick the kid's arse if he was born… perhaps I shall have to be happy with just castrating his whale of a father."

"I'll help you" Lily said absently, to the astonishment of all. Sirius eyed her with distrust, discreetly pressing his legs together. Better be careful in case she decided she needed some practice first…

**Half an hour later, Harry, who couldn't believe his luck, was sitting in the back of the Dursleys' car with Piers and Dudley, on the way to the zoo for the first time in his life. **

"That's pathetic!" Lily cried, glaring at the offending book and accidentally getting Peter too, making him squirm. "I bet they take their own idiotic offspring at least once a year!"

**His aunt and uncle hadn't been able to think of anything else to do with him, but before they'd left, Uncle Vernon had taken Harry aside.**

"**I'm warning you," he had said, putting his large purple face right up close to Harry's, "I'm warning you now, boy — any funny business, anything at all — and you'll be in that cupboard from now until Christmas."**

"How _dare_ you?" James snarled, and for once he sounded less like a deer and more like a werewolf. Remus almost wanted to jump at him and demonstrate his epic alpha male-ship. "If you dare lock my son up I'll come back from the dead and kick your arse, Dursley!"

Lily gave him an odd look which he, being James, did not notice at all. Remus did, however, and he frowned at it.

"**I'm not going to do anything," said Harry, "honestly . . ."**

**But Uncle Vernon didn't believe him. No one ever did. The problem was, strange things often happened around Harry and it was just no good telling the Dursleys he didn't make them happen.**

"Oh, but you _do_ make them happen, Harry" Lily whispered sadly. "You just can't control it, it's not your fault."

"I know, Lils" Remus said softly, breaking the silence that had fallen over the group. "But we already know that. He can't hear you."

"I know, I just…" She sighed, bowing her head. "It's just not fair. I should be there to tell him all those things. He shouldn't be left with my moronic sister, she'll never tell him who he is, and… I'm sorry, Remus. Keep reading, Pettigrew."

**Once, Aunt Petunia, tired of Harry coming back from the barbers looking as though he hadn't been at all, had taken a pair of kitchen scissors and cut his hair so short he was almost bald except for his bangs, which she left "to hide that horrible scar." **

"You cruel little cockroach of a bitch!" Sirius snapped from his place on the floor, making everyone abruptly aware of his presence. To Lily's bewilderment, he looked angry, almost personally offended. Remus frowned, nudging his canine friend on the back with his heel, and Sirius fell silent, scowling.

James, however, lacked a bit of tact and a bit of common sense.

"Why're you so upset about that, Pads?" he asked. Remus glared at him, but Sirius answered in a surprisingly quiet voice that sounded very much unlike his usually quite insane rambling.

"My mother shaved my head as a punishment once when I was like eight" he said. "There was some stupid pureblood party that evening and all the other kids found it very amusing."

Lily gave him a glance that was an odd mixture of surprise and pity. Remus, who'd heard the story before and been similarly disturbed by it then, carefully pressed his toes into Sirius' back, and received a snort that told him everything was alright.

Peter frowned and cleared his throat before turning his attention to the book again, deciding not to ask questions.

**Dudley had laughed himself silly at Harry, who spent a sleepless night imagining school the next day, where he was already laughed at for his baggy clothes and taped glasses. Next morning, however, he had gotten up to find his hair exactly as it had been before Aunt Petunia had sheared it off. He had been given a week in his cupboard for this, even though he had tried to explain that he couldn't explain how it had grown back so quickly.**

"At least the Potter hair cannot be exterminated" James muttered, ducking the glare Lily was aiming at him, no doubt for contaminating their son's genes with his stupid hair. "But I'd like to lock 'Aunt Petunia' in a cupboard for a few weeks so she'd know the feeling."

**Another time, Aunt Petunia had been trying to force him into a revolting old sweater of Dudley's (brown with orange puff balls). **

"Ewwww" Sirius chorused, more like his usual self. "How the heck did she get the whale-kid to wear it in the first place? Bribes?"

"Probably" Remus agreed.

**The harder she tried to pull it over his head, the smaller it seemed to become, until finally it might have fitted a hand puppet, but certainly wouldn't fit Harry. Aunt Petunia had decided it must have shrunk in the wash and, to his great relief, Harry wasn't punished.**

"Yeah, well, he shouldn't be punished anyway" Peter muttered. "Can't help it, can he?"

**On the other hand, he'd gotten into terrible trouble for being found on the roof of the school kitchens. Dudley's gang had been chasing him as usual when, as much to Harry's surprise as anyone else's, there he was sitting on the chimney. **

"What?" Lily asked, wide-eyed. "Accidental apparition, or flying? That's impressive!"

"Well, he _is_ your son…" James murmured, staring at his knees. Lily's head snapped up to stare at him, a blush coming to her cheeks. Sirius snickered, but no one dared comment.

**The Dursleys had received a very angry letter from Harry's headmistress telling them Harry had been climbing school buildings. But all he'd tried to do (as he shouted at Uncle Vernon through the locked door of his cupboard) was jump behind the big trash cans outside the kitchen doors. Harry supposed that the wind must have caught him in mid-jump.**

"Oh, that's very likely indeed" Remus deadpanned, but wisely decided to be silent upon having the Evans Glare™ aimed at him.

**But today, nothing was going to go wrong. It was even worth being with Dudley and Piers to be spending the day somewhere that wasn't school, his cupboard, or Mrs. Figg's cabbage-smelling living room.**

**While he drove, Uncle Vernon complained to Aunt Petunia. He liked to complain about things: people at work, Harry, the council, Harry, the bank, and Harry were just a few of his favorite subjects. This morning, it was motorcycles.**

"I get the feeling he doesn't like Harry" Peter said, frowning. "But I must be mistaken."

"**. . . roaring along like maniacs, the young hoodlums," he said, as a motorcycle overtook them.**

"**I had a dream about a motorcycle," said Harry, remembering suddenly. "It was flying."**

"Uh-oh…"

**Uncle Vernon nearly crashed into the car in front. He turned right around in his seat and yelled at Harry, his face like a gigantic beet with a mustache: **

"**MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!" **

"Overreaction much?" Lily raised an eyebrow.

**Dudley and Piers sniggered.**

"**I know they don't," said Harry. "It was only a dream."**

**But he wished he hadn't said anything. If there was one thing the Dursleys hated even more than his asking questions, it was his talking about anything acting in a way it shouldn't, no matter if it was in a dream or even a cartoon — they seemed to think he might get dangerous ideas.**

"Dangerous ideas?" James growled. "Well, my head is full of dangerous bloody ideas right now, and I'm aching to try them out on a certain walrus and horse-face!"

"Write a list" Sirius suggested, but scowled as James gave him a glare.

"Pads, you're the only one obsessed with lists."

"Lists are dead useful, I'll have you know!"

**It was a very sunny Saturday and the zoo was crowded with families. The Dursleys bought Dudley and Piers large chocolate ice creams at the entrance and then, because the smiling lady in the van had asked Harry what he wanted before they could hurry him away, they bought him a cheap lemon ice pop. **

"How generous" Lily muttered, enough venom in her voice to kill a Hungarian Horntail.

**It wasn't bad, either, Harry thought, licking it as they watched a gorilla scratching its head who looked remarkably like Dudley, except that it wasn't blond.**

"You've got a good eye, young Harry" Sirius commented sagely, coaxing a laugh from even Lily.

**Harry had the best morning he'd had in a long time. He was careful to walk a little way apart from the Dursleys so that Dudley and Piers, who were starting to get bored with the animals by lunchtime, wouldn't fall back on their favorite hobby of hitting him. **

"Wise choise" Remus muttered. "I'd like to hit them myself."

**They ate in the zoo restaurant, and when Dudley had a tantrum because his knickerbocker glory didn't have enough ice cream on top, Uncle Vernon bought him another one and Harry was allowed to finish the first.**

**Harry felt, afterward, that he should have known it was all too good to last.**

"Aww" Peter pouted. "What now? Can't he just get a nice day at the zoo for once?"

**After lunch they went to the reptile house. It was cool and dark in there, with lit windows all along the walls. Behind the glass, all sorts of lizards and snakes were crawling and slithering over bits of wood and stone. Dudley and Piers wanted to see huge, poisonous cobras and thick, man-crushing pythons. **

"Oh the drama." Remus rolled his eyes.

**Dudley quickly found the largest snake in the place. It could have wrapped its body twice around Uncle Vernon's car and crushed it into a trash can — but at the moment it didn't look in the mood. In fact, it was fast asleep. **

"I'd be asleep too, if I had to deal with people like the Dursleys" Sirius decided. "Then I wouldn't have to see their ugly faces."

**Dudley stood with his nose pressed against the glass, staring at the glistening brown coils.**

"**Make it move," he whined at his father. Uncle Vernon tapped on the glass, but the snake didn't budge.**

"**Do it again," Dudley ordered. Uncle Vernon rapped the glass smartly with his knuckles, but the snake just snoozed on.**

"**This is boring," Dudley moaned. He shuffled away. **

"No, _you_ are boring" said James childishly.

**Harry moved in front of the tank and looked intently at the snake. He wouldn't have been surprised if it had died of boredom itself — no company except stupid people drumming their fingers on the glass trying to disturb it all day long. It was worse than having a cupboard as a bedroom, where the only visitor was Aunt Petunia hammering on the door to wake you up; at least he got to visit the rest of the house.**

"My son… empathizes with the life of an imprisoned _snake_?" Lily said in a voice that was deadly quiet and quite dangerous-sounding.

**The snake suddenly opened its beady eyes. Slowly, very slowly, it raised its head until its eyes were on a level with Harry's. It winked.**

"Huh?" James asked, surprised. "Repeat that, Wormtail?"

"**It winked**" read Peter, frowning. "What's this all about?"

**Harry stared. Then he looked quickly around to see if anyone was watching. They weren't. He looked back at the snake and winked, too. The snake jerked its head toward Uncle Vernon and Dudley, then raised its eyes to the ceiling. It gave Harry a look that said quite plainly:**

"**I get that all the time."**

"**I know," Harry murmured through the glass, though he wasn't sure the snake could hear him. "It must be really annoying."**

**The snake nodded vigorously.**

"" Lily stuttered, her eyes shocked.

"He's my son!" James protested, shocked to the core. "He can't be a Parselmouth, he wouldn't be a Dark wizard! It's genetic, he cannot have inherited it from me!"

"Perhaps" said Remus quietly, "you don't have to be Dark just because certain qualities of you might point to that. After all, a person is not to be judged by one single trait of theirs… are they?"

James looked up at his werewolfy friend, and gave him an apologetic glance.

"Sorry, Moony" he said. "Of course he doesn't have to be bad just because he speaks to snakes. I'm sorry, I was just shocked."

Lily's green eyes flicked curiously between the two of them, and somewhere within her, certain opinions began to crumble, just slightly.

"**Where do you come from, anyway?" Harry asked.**

**The snake jabbed its tail at a little sign next to the glass. Harry peered at it.**

**Boa Constrictor, Brazil.**

"**Was it nice there?"**

**The boa constrictor jabbed its tail at the sign again and Harry read on: This specimen was bred in the zoo. "Oh, I see — so you've never been to Brazil?"**

**As the snake shook its head, a deafening shout behind Harry made both of them jump. **

"**DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON'T BELIEVE**

**WHAT IT'S DOING!"**

"Oh, shut up, you stupid git!" James moaned.

**Dudley came waddling toward them as fast as he could.**

"**Out of the way, you," he said, punching Harry in the ribs. Caught by surprise, Harry fell hard on the concrete floor. **

"Don't you dare touch my son!" Lily shrieked, her wand in her hand.

**What came next happened so fast no one saw how it happened — one second, Piers and Dudley were leaning right up close to the glass, the next, they had leapt back with howls of horror.**

**Harry sat up and gasped; the glass front of the boa constrictor's tank had vanished. The great snake was uncoiling itself rapidly, slithering out onto the floor. People throughout the reptile house screamed and started running for the exits. **

"Ah" Lily sighed, sinking back into her armchair with a contented sigh. "The sweet smell of justice."

The Marauders gave her odd looks, but she didn't notice as her eyes were closed in savouring the 'smell'.

**As the snake slid swiftly past him, Harry could have sworn a low, hissing voice said, "Brazil, here I come. . . . Thanksss, amigo."**

**The keeper of the reptile house was in shock.**

"**But the glass," he kept saying, "where did the glass go?"**

**The zoo director himself made Aunt Petunia a cup of strong, sweet tea while he apologized over and over again. Piers and Dudley could only gibber. As far as Harry had seen, the snake hadn't done anything except snap playfully at their heels as it passed, but by the time they were all back in Uncle Vernon's car, Dudley was telling them how it had nearly bitten off his leg, while Piers was swearing it had tried to squeeze him to death. But worst of all, for Harry at least, was Piers calming down enough to say, "Harry was talking to it, weren't you, Harry?"**

"Oh shut up, rat-face" James groaned.

"Hey!" Peter protested. "I resent that!"

**Uncle Vernon waited until Piers was safely out of the house before starting on Harry. He was so angry he could hardly speak. He managed to say, "Go — cupboard — stay — no meals," before he collapsed into a chair, and Aunt Petunia had to run and get him a large brandy.**

"I'd poison his brandy if I didn't have more painful tortures thought out for the bastard!" Lily snapped, causing the boys to inch away from her gradually, fearing the flare of her temper. James was eyeing her dreamily, though.

**Harry lay in his dark cupboard much later, wishing he had a watch. He didn't know what time it was and he couldn't be sure the Dursleys were asleep yet. Until they were, he couldn't risk sneaking to the kitchen for some food.**

**He'd lived with the Dursleys almost ten years, ten miserable years, as long as he could remember, ever since he'd been a baby and his parents had died in that car crash. He couldn't remember being in the car when his parents had died. Sometimes, when he strained his memory during long hours in his cupboard, he came up with a strange vision: a blinding flash of green light and a burning pain on his forehead. **

"Oh God…" Lily whispered, tears rising in her eyes.

**This, he supposed, was the crash, though he couldn't imagine where all the green light came from. He couldn't remember his parents at all. His aunt and uncle never spoke about them, and of course he was forbidden to ask questions. There were no photographs of them in the house.**

"What? He doesn't even know what we _look_ like?" James growled. "What is _wrong_ with your sister, Lily?"

She gave him a startled look, as if she only just realized he was the father of the child, and then she huffed.

"More than can be mentioned" she muttered.

**When he had been younger, Harry had dreamed and dreamed of some unknown relation coming to take him away, but it had never happened; the Dursleys were his only family.**

"Why aren't you there, Pads?" James asked Sirius, sounding rather accusing. The dog animagus's brow crinkled up in thought. Remus watched in concern, worried that maybe the unusual amount of thought process could damage his friend's brain.

"I have no idea" Sirius said at last, shaking his head. "I mean, I'd be godfather, wouldn't I? Why wouldn't I be there? I don't get it."

"Why isn't _Remus_ there, then?" Lily asked. "Or Peter?"

"I don't know" Remus said, though he was quite sure he knew why he wasn't there. "Perhaps they, er, wouldn't let us have him. I don't know."

"Surely people would understand that he'd be much better off with one of you than with my bloody sister!" snarled Lily, causing all of them to back away slightly from her. Remus snarled back, though, and she stared at him, shocked.

"I know that!" he snapped. "We all know that! Don't you think we would have taken care of Harry if we could have? Us not being there for him would not be by choice! So shut up and stop blaming us for things that haven't even happened yet, Lily!"

**Yet sometimes he thought (or maybe hoped) that strangers in the street seemed to know him. **

"Er, that's because you killed Voldypants" Sirius said, eyeing Lily carefully.

**Very strange strangers they were, too. A tiny man in a violet top hat had bowed to him once while out shopping with Aunt Petunia and Dudley. After asking Harry furiously if he knew the man, Aunt Petunia had rushed them out of the shop without buying anything. A wild-looking old woman dressed all in green had waved merrily at him once on a bus. A bald man in a very long purple coat had actually shaken his hand in the street the other day and then walked away without a word. The weirdest thing about all these people was the way they seemed to vanish the second Harry tried to get a closer look.**

"Apparition!"

"We know, James."

**At school, Harry had no one. Everybody knew that Dudley's gang hated that odd Harry Potter in his baggy old clothes and broken glasses, and nobody liked to disagree with Dudley's gang.**

"That's the end of the chapter" Peter announced. "Who'll read the next one?"

"I'll do it" Lily said quietly, taking the book and flipping to the right page. "Let's hope this one tells us why the heck he has to live with those bastards."


	4. The Letter from Someone

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: …  
DISCLAIMER: Nope, this isn't mine either. Not even the stupid nicknames. They belong to the Sirius Orion Black who lives in my brain, drinking firewhisky and trying to make me write some smut__ty love scenes with some "sexxeh lady", as he says. Forget it, you son of a bitch. Not until you stop trying to chat up my brain cells._

**-CHAPTER FOUR-**

**-The Letter from Someone-**

Lily Evans, Prongsie's Love Interest Extraordinaire, was half a moment away from beginning to read the next chapter, when…

"Hey!" Sirius exclaimed, swooping down upon Lily with a speed that made her jump. "There's something there! Some paper thing!"

"Yes, Sirius dear" Remus explained gently. "It's a book. They are full of papers, you see."

James got to his feet too, his eyes widening overdramatically, and he only just avoided stumbling upon Sirius' outstretched foot.

"He's right, though" he said. "There's something there… a letter!" Elegantly, he pulled a folded piece of parchment from the book, tearing its corner in the process. Sirius stole it from him with a somewhat unnecessary flourish and unfolded it.

"Hey, look at that" he said, raising his eyebrows. "Jamesie-poo was right for once. It's a letter." The fact that he could ignore the glare James was sending his way would have been rather impressive to an outsider, but not to these particular Gryffindors; James happened to use that particular glare every other moment, very much thanks to Sirius' habit of being utterly annoying.

"Read it, Padfoot!" Peter squealed, blushing at the incredulous glances he received. Remus cleared his throat.

"Read" he ordered, donning his 'Professor' face. Sirius scowled at it, but obeyed.

**Dear friends,**

**I expect you must be curious as to why these books suddenly appeared in midair just like that. **

"No shit?" Sirius murmured to himself.

"Quiet!"

**The truth is, that this is all part of an experimental charm I have created, and I do hope I have succeeded in sending these books back in time a sufficient amount of years. The time period they were aimed for was set, according to our desires, to the 1970's. Due to the time-space linear structure and its limitations, I chose to****...**

"Yeah yeah, we get it" James said loudly over Sirius voice.

… **and now to the important theory behind the spell itself; I found the book One Thousand Magical Runes that you Never Needed to Know About by Mr Patrick Paperpot to be a very helpful instrument in determining…**

"Why exactly do we need to know this?" Peter asked, staring blankly at the letter that Sirius was still reading, with an increasing frown on his face.

"Shut it, I'm trying to listen" snapped Lily.

… **I also found it very fascinating to see how alterations in the pronounciation could affect the overall efficiency in order to… **

"CAN'T YOU SKIP THIS PART, PADFOOT?"

… **and thus, I also enjoy eating meat loaf, as it is a filling and nutricious meal that has been cooked for Sunday dinner in my family for centuries…**

Remus gave James a concerned glance, wondering if his head really was as empty as it seemed to be judging by the blank look on his face. Then he decided that it didn't matter as that head was all too seldom being used anyway.

… **but of course, I first needed to alter the most important part of the spell, the part that made time travel impossible. This, I achieved by means of…**

Even Lily looked kind of lost by now. Which was shocking to all and sundry. Indeed, it was so shocking that Sirius '_First Assistant Muffin Slicer_' Black would have had a mock heart attack… if he'd actually been looking at her.

"FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, SIRIUS" James boomed. "SKIP THE THEORY!"

"But it's finished soon!"

**In short, you could say I wanted to send these books back in time for my friend's sake, as we thought it'd be an interesting idea.**

"And you couldn't say that immediately, because…?"

**I hope you'll enjoy them. Oh, and yes, once you've finished a book you have ten minutes to look through it one last time before it will return to our time period. Be careful not to let it touch anything but the table, as the spell can affect other things than just the books. The tables in all Hogwarts common rooms are painted with Anti-Jinx solution to prevent damage from spell practice, which you can read in Hogwarts: A History, on page nine hundred and seventy six. Thanks. Bye.**

**Sincerely,**

**HJG.**

There was a very long, and very painful silence in the room. Peter, however, lacked a bit of social skills, and broke it by means of a loud exclamation.

"What the heck?"

Sirius '_Seriously_' Black secretly agreed that this was the most fitting sentiment, and as no one protested, it seemed the others did too. On James' wrist, his watch was ticking steadily, and for a long moment, that was indeed the only sound in the common room. Then Remus shook himself and frowned.

"Okay, that was a bit too much theory even for me" he muttered. Which he regretted half a second later, when James and Sirius had thrown themselves to their feet in perfect unison, shouting "SAY IT ISN'T SO!" in rather loud, obnoxious voices. He wouldn't have been surprised to see them jump right into a synchronized dance routine a moment later, but he was after all a wizard very much capable of producing a tripping jinx, and he did intend to use that ability to its full extent _before_ things got unbearable.

"You're mean, Moony" grumbled Sirius from the floor, and Remus smiled. Once more, his sanity had been saved. Of course, he didn't tell them that, because even if he was quite the skilful wizard he didn't quite feel like tripping them again when they'd decide to make sure he _did_ lose his sanity.

"Forget the letter" he said instead. "Read the chapter, Lily."

"_Finally_" she sighed. "Okay, the chapter's called 'The Letters from No One'."

**The escape of the Brazilian boa constrictor earned Harry his longest-ever punishment. **

"I'll punish _them_ when next I see them" Lily grumbled before continuing.

**By the time he was allowed out of his cupboard again, the summer holidays had started and Dudley had already broken his new video camera, crashed his remote control airplane, and, first time out on his racing bike, knocked down old Mrs. Figg as she crossed Privet Drive on her crutches.**

Remus snorted, rather loudly, gaining several glares from the others. So he did it again, just for good luck. And they called him the 'innocent' Marauder….

**Harry was glad school was over, but there was no escaping Dudley's gang, who visited the house every single day. Piers, Dennis, Malcolm, and Gordon were all big and stupid, but as Dudley was the biggest and stupidest of the lot, he was the leader. The rest of them were all quite happy to join in Dudley's favorite sport: Harry Hunting.**

"Let's join my ancestors, for once" Sirius muttered. "I propose we go out Muggle hunting… on select Muggles, of course. No lethal curses, though, we're not Death

Eaters. Great idea, yes?"

"Er… maybe later" James nodded. "Let's just read the book first, shall we?"

**This was why Harry spent as much time as possible out of the house, wandering around and thinking about the end of the holidays, where he could see a tiny ray of hope. When September came he would be going off to secondary school and, for the first time in ****his life, he wouldn't be with Dudley. Dudley had been accepted at Uncle Vernon's old private school, Smeltings. Piers Polkiss was going there too. Harry, on the other hand, was going to Stonewall High, the local public school. Dudley thought this was very funny.**

"Oh, hil-ar-i-ous" Peter snorted.

"**They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall," he told Harry. "Want to come upstairs and practice?"**

"**No, thanks," said Harry. "The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it — it might be sick." Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said.**

"He's sure got your cheek, Lily!" The guilty one, Remus, was rewarded with a smile and a forlorn look from James.

"Aww" Sirius pouted at his best friend. "Prongsie sad?"

"Shut up."

**One day in July, Aunt Petunia took Dudley to London to buy his Smeltings uniform, leaving Harry at Mrs. Figg's. Mrs. Figg wasn't as bad as usual. It turned out she'd broken her leg tripping over one of her cats, and she didn't seem quite as fond of them as before. She let Harry watch television and gave him a bit of chocolate cake that tasted as though she'd had it for several years.**

Remus gasped, shock grasping him and hanging him upside down… metaphorically speaking.

"Blasphemy!" he cried. "How can anyone do that to sweet chocolate? This woman is _evil_!"

**That evening, Dudley paraded around the living room for the family in his brand-new uniform. Smeltings boys wore maroon tailcoats, orange knickerbockers, and flat straw hats called boaters. They also carried knobbly sticks, used for hitting each other while the teachers weren't looking. This was supposed to be good training for later life.**

James arched an eyebrow, looking rather confused, but Lily cut across him before he could speak.

"I have no idea what kind of training that's supposed to be" she said, shaking her head. "The outfit sounds absolutely spiffing, though. I mean, I'd fall in love immediately with someone wearing all those things, they're just sooo attractive."

James looked as though someone had knocked him over the head with a beater's bat.

"Oh" he said stupidly. "Er… so, where do they buy those clothes?"

An incredulous glance from Lily's direction made him shut up. Remus cleared his throat.

"James" he stage-whispered. "Your sarcasm skills. They're lacking."

Poor James blushed like a baboon's backside. Choice of words, courtesy of Sirius '_Metaphor Master_' Black, of course.

**As he looked at Dudley in his new knickerbockers, Uncle Vernon said gruffly that it was the proudest moment of his life. Aunt Petunia burst into tears and said she couldn't believe it was her Ickle Dudleykins, he looked so handsome and grown-up. Harry didn't trust himself to speak. He thought two of his ribs might already have cracked from trying not to laugh.**

"Me too, young Potter, me too" Sirius murmured.

**There was a horrible smell in the kitchen the next morning when**** Harry went in for breakfast. It seemed to be coming from a large metal tub in the sink. He went to have a look. The tub was full of what looked like dirty rags swimming in gray water.**

"**What's this?" he asked Aunt Petunia. Her lips tightened as they always did if he dared to ask a question.**

"**Your new school uniform," she said. Harry looked in the bowl again.**

"**Oh," he said, "I didn't realize it had to be so wet."**

"Good try, Harry" Lily grinned. "But she doesn't get sarcasm."

"**Don't be stupid," snapped Aunt Petunia. "I'm dyeing some of**** Dudley's old things gray for you. It'll look just like everyone else's when I've finished." **

**Harry seriously doubted this, but thought it best not to argue.**** He sat down at the table and tried not to think about how he was**

**going to look on his first day at Stonewall High — like he was wearing bits of old elephant skin, probably.**

"Sadly, I agree with you on that, my dear."

**Dudley and Uncle Vernon came in, both with wrinkled noses because of the smell from Harry's new uniform. Uncle Vernon opened his newspaper as usual and Dudley banged his Smelting stick, which he carried everywhere, on the table. They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the**

**doormat. **

"**Get the mail, Dudley," said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper.**

"**Make Harry get it."**

"**Get the mail, Harry."**

"**Make Dudley get it."**

"**Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley."**

"Oh, that's fair!" Sirius cried. "Like your fat knickerbocker son doesn't need the exercise."

**Harry dodged the Smelting stick and went to get the mail. Three things lay on the doormat: a postcard from Uncle Vernon's sister Marge, who was vacationing on the Isle of Wight, a brown envelope that looked like a bill, and — a letter for Harry. Harry picked it up and stared at it, his heart twanging like a giant elastic band. No one, ever, in his whole life, had written to him. Who would? He had no friends, no other relatives — he didn't belong**

**to the library, so he'd never even got rude notes asking for books back. Yet here it was, a letter, addressed so plainly there**

**could be no mistake:**

**Mr. H. Potter**

**The Cupboard under the Stairs**

**4 Privet Drive**

**Little Whinging**

**Surrey**

**The envelope was thick and heavy, made of yellowish parchment,**** and the address was written in emerald-green ink. There was no**

**stamp. Turning the envelope over, his hand trembling, Harry saw a purple wax seal bearing a coat of arms; a lion, an eagle, a badger, and a**

**snake surrounding a large letter H. **

"HOGWARTS LETTER!" chorused the four boys, causing Lily to hold back a grin.

"Tuney won't be happy about that" she giggled.

"**Hurry up, boy!" shouted Uncle Vernon from the kitchen.**** "What are you doing, checking for letter bombs?" He chuckled at**

**his own joke.**

"Even Pete makes better jokes than that" Sirius huffed.

"Oi!"

**Harry went back to the kitchen, still staring at his letter. He**** handed Uncle Vernon the bill and the postcard, sat down, and**

**slowly began to open the yellow envelope.**

**Uncle Vernon ripped open the bill, snorted in disgust, and**** flipped over the postcard.**

"**Marge's ill," he informed Aunt Petunia. "Ate a funny whelk . . ."**

"**Dad!" said Dudley suddenly. "Dad, Harry's got something!"**

"Shut up, you foul little brat!" Lily cried.

**Harry was on the point of unfolding his letter, which was written**** on the same heavy parchment as the envelope, when it was**

**jerked sharply out of his hand by Uncle Vernon. **

"**That's mine!" said Harry, trying to snatch it back.**

"**Who'd be writing to you?" sneered Uncle Vernon, shaking the letter open with one hand and glancing at it. His face went from red to green faster than a set of traffic lights. And it didn't stop there. Within seconds it was the grayish white of old porridge.**

"**P-P-Petunia!" he gasped.**

**Dudley tried to grab the letter to read it, but Uncle Vernon held it high out of his reach. Aunt Petunia took it curiously and read the**

**first line. For a moment it looked as though she might faint. She clutched her throat and made a choking noise.**

"**Vernon! Oh my goodness — Vernon!"**

"Drama queen, your sister?" Sirius murmured, glancing at Lily, who giggled.

**They stared at each other, seeming to have forgotten that Harry and Dudley were still in the room. Dudley wasn't used to being ignored.**

**He gave his father a sharp tap on the head with his Smelting stick.**

"**I want to read that letter," he said loudly.**

"**I want to read it," said Harry furiously, "as it's mine."**

"**Get out, both of you," croaked Uncle Vernon, stuffing the letter back inside its envelope.**

**Harry didn't move.**

"**I WANT MY LETTER!" he shouted.**

"Got your mother's temper, have you?"

"You better shut your mouth right now, Potter, or I'll hex it shut."

"Shutting up."

"**Let me see it!" demanded Dudley.**

"**OUT!" roared Uncle Vernon, and he took both Harry and Dudley by the scruffs of their necks and threw them into the hall, slamming the kitchen door behind them. Harry and Dudley promptly had a furious but silent fight over who would listen at the keyhole; Dudley won, so Harry, his glasses dangling from one ear, lay flat on his stomach to listen at the crack between door and floor.**

"**Vernon," Aunt Petunia was saying in a quivering voice, "look at the address — how could they possibly know where he sleeps? You**

**don't think they're watching the house?" **

"**Watching — spying — might be following us," muttered Uncle**** Vernon wildly.**

"Oh yeah, you're so interesting, who _wouldn't_ want to spy on you?" Remus rolled his eyes.

"**But what should we do, Vernon? Should we write back? Tell**** them we don't want —" **

**Harry could see Uncle Vernon's shiny black shoes pacing up and**** down the kitchen.**

"**No," he said finally. "No, we'll ignore it. If they don't get an answer. . . Yes, that's best . . . we won't do anything. . . ."**

"**But —"**

"**I'm not having one in the house, Petunia! Didn't we swear when we took him in we'd stamp out that dangerous nonsense?"**

"Good luck with that, idiot" Lily growled at the book. "You could just as easily stamp the magic out of my son as you could stamp the stupidity out of yourself."

**That evening when he got back from work, Uncle Vernon did**** something he'd never done before; he visited Harry in his cupboard.**

"**Where's my letter?" said Harry, the moment Uncle Vernon had squeezed through the door. "Who's writing to me?"**

"**No one. It was addressed to you by mistake," said Uncle Vernon shortly. "I have burned it."**

"**It was not a mistake," said Harry angrily, "it had my cupboard**** on it."**

"**SILENCE!" yelled Uncle Vernon, and a couple of spiders fell from the ceiling. He took a few deep breaths and then forced his face into a smile, which looked quite painful.**

"Probably was" Remus muttered.

"**Er — yes, Harry — about this cupboard. Your aunt and I have been thinking . . . you're really getting a bit big for it . . . we think it might be nice if you moved into Dudley's second bedroom."**

"WHAT?" Lily shouted, jumping to her feet and brandishing her wand. Sparks flew from its tip, nearly setting Sirius hair on fire; he pulled back from it with an affronted glare. Remus pulled him further away from the fuming Mt Lily Evans as she stamped her feet in anger. "THEIR LITTLE BRAT HAS TWO BEDROOMS AND MY SON SLEEPS IN A CUPBOARD? I'll kill them! I swear I will!"

James gave her a somewhat frightened glance and picked up the book, letting her get her anger worked out while he read.

"**Why?" said Harry.**

"**Don't ask questions!" snapped his uncle. "Take this stuff upstairs, now."**

**The Dursleys' house had four bedrooms: one for Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, one for visitors (usually Uncle Vernon's sister, Marge), one where Dudley slept, and one where Dudley kept all the toys and things that wouldn't fit into his first bedroom. It only took Harry one trip upstairs to move everything he owned from the cupboard to this room. He sat down on the bed and stared around him. Nearly everything in here was broken. The month-old video camera was lying on top of a small, working tank Dudley had once driven over the next door neighbor's dog; in the corner was Dudley's first-ever television set, which he'd put his foot through when his favorite program had been canceled; there was a large**

**birdcage, which had once held a parrot that Dudley had swapped at school for a real air rifle, which was up on a shelf with the end all**

**bent because Dudley had sat on it. Other shelves were full of books. They were the only things in the room that looked as**

**though they'd never been touched.**

"Bet they're grateful" said Remus dryly.

**From downstairs came the sound of Dudley bawling at his mother, "I don't want him in there . . . I need that room . . . make**

**him get out. . . ."**

**Harry sighed and stretched out on the bed. Yesterday he'd have given anything to be up here. Today he'd rather be back in his cupboard**

**with that letter than up here without it. **

**Next morning at breakfast, everyone was rather quiet. Dudley was**** in shock. He'd screamed, whacked his father with his Smelting**

**stick, been sick on purpose, kicked his mother, and thrown his tortoise through the greenhouse roof, and he still didn't have his room**

**back. Harry was thinking about this time yesterday and bitterly wishing he'd opened the letter in the hall. Uncle Vernon and Aunt**

**Petunia kept looking at each other darkly. When the mail arrived, Uncle Vernon, who seemed to be trying to be nice to Harry, made Dudley go and get it. They heard him banging things with his Smelting stick all the way down the hall. Then he shouted, "There's another one! 'Mr. H. Potter, The Smallest**

**Bedroom, 4 Privet Drive —' "**

**With a strangled cry, Uncle Vernon leapt from his seat and ran down the hall, Harry right behind him. Uncle Vernon had to wrestle Dudley to the ground to get the letter from him, which was made difficult by the fact that Harry had grabbed Uncle Vernon around the neck from behind.**

"Go Harry!" Sirius shouted. "Get your letter and run!"

**After a minute of confused fighting,**** in which everyone got hit a lot by the Smelting stick, Uncle Vernon straightened up, gasping for breath, with Harry's letter clutched in his hand.**

"Aww, crap."

"Well, they'll send more" Remus soothed. "Hogwarts letters come until they're answered."

"**Go to your cupboard — I mean, your bedroom," he wheezed at Harry. "Dudley — go — just go."**

**Harry walked round and round his new room. Someone knew he had moved out of his cupboard and they seemed to know he hadn't received his first letter. Surely that meant they'd try again? And this time he'd make sure they didn't fail. He had a plan.**

"Uh-oh" Sirius singsonged. "Let's hope it's not like his father's plans."

"Hey!" James protested. "I've got great plans, you mutt!"

"Yeah, they're great for getting caught, I have to admit."

"I resent that!"

**The repaired alarm clock rang at six o'clock the next morning.**** Harry turned it off quickly and dressed silently He mustn't wake the Dursleys. He stole downstairs without turning on any of the lights.**

**He was going to wait for the postman on the corner of Privet Drive and get the letters for number four first. His heart hammered as he crept across the dark hall toward the front door —**

"**AAAAARRRGH!"**

**Harry leapt into the air; he'd trodden on something big and**** squashy on the doormat — something alive! Lights clicked on upstairs and to his horror Harry realized that the big, squashy something had been his uncle's face.**

"Aww, well" panted Lily as she sat down, having kicked at a poor innocent chair for the last few minutes. "At least he got to step on his face. Always good."

"Seems I didn't know you as well as I thought I did, Evans" Sirius murmured, staring wide-eyed at her.

**Uncle Vernon**** had been lying at the foot of the front door in a sleeping bag,**

**clearly making sure that Harry didn't do exactly what he'd been trying to do. He shouted at Harry for about half an hour and then told him to go and make a cup of tea. Harry shuffled miserably off into the kitchen and by the time he got back, the mail had arrived, right into Uncle Vernon's lap. Harry could see three letters addressed in green ink.**

"**I want —" he began, but Uncle Vernon was tearing the letters into pieces before his eyes.**

"Just give him his bloody letter!"

**Uncle Vernon didn't go to work that day. He stayed at home and**** nailed up the mail slot.**

"**See," he explained to Aunt Petunia through a mouthful of nails, "if they can't deliver them they'll just give up."**

"**I'm not sure that'll work, Vernon."**

"**Oh, these peoples minds work in strange ways, Petunia, they're not like you and me," said Uncle Vernon, trying to knock in a nail with the piece of fruitcake Aunt Petunia had just brought him.**

Cue collective snort.

**On Friday, no less than twelve letters arrived for Harry. As they couldn't go through the mail slot they had been pushed under the door, slotted through the sides, and a few even forced through the small window in the downstairs bathroom.**

**Uncle Vernon stayed at home again. After burning all the letters, he got out a hammer and nails and boarded up the cracks around the front and back doors so no one could go out. He hummed "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" as he worked, and jumped at small noises. **

"Nice!" Sirius beamed. "He's cracking up!"

**On Saturday, things began to get out of hand. Twenty-four letters**** to Harry found their way into the house, rolled up and hidden inside each of the two dozen eggs that their very confused milkman had handed Aunt Petunia through the living room window. While Uncle Vernon made furious telephone calls to the post office and the dairy trying to find someone to complain to, Aunt Petunia shredded the letters in her food processor.**

"**Who on earth wants to talk to you this badly?" Dudley asked Harry in amazement.**

"More people than you realize, Dinky Diddydums" smirked Lily.

**On Sunday morning, Uncle Vernon sat down at the breakfast table**** looking tired and rather ill, but happy.**

"**No post on Sundays," he reminded them cheerfully as he spread marmalade on his newspapers, "no damn letters today —"**

**Something came whizzing down the kitchen chimney as he spoke and caught him sharply on the back of the head. Next moment, thirty or forty letters came pelting out of the fireplace like bullets. The Dursleys ducked, but Harry leapt into the air trying to catch one —**

"**Out! OUT!"**

**Uncle Vernon seized Harry around the waist and threw him into**** the hall. When Aunt Petunia and Dudley had run out with their arms over their faces, Uncle Vernon slammed the door shut. They could hear the letters still streaming into the room, bouncing off the walls and floor.**

"**That does it," said Uncle Vernon, trying to speak calmly but pulling great tufts out of his mustache at the same time. "I want you all back here in five minutes ready to leave. We're going away. Just pack some clothes. No arguments!"**

**He looked so dangerous with half his mustache missing that no one dared argue. Ten minutes later they had wrenched their way through the boarded-up doors and were in the car, speeding toward the highway. Dudley was sniffling in the back seat; his father had hit him round the head for holding them up while he tried to pack his television, VCR, and computer in his sports bag.**

"First time ever he got punished for anything, I suppose" snorted Remus.

**They drove. And they drove. Even Aunt Petunia didn't dare**** ask where they were going. Every now and then Uncle Vernon would take a sharp turn and drive in the opposite direction for a while.**

"**Shake 'em off . . . shake 'em off," he would mutter whenever he did this.**

"He's nuttier than squirrel poo" sang James, looking quite delighted with said mental downfall.

**They didn't stop to eat or drink all day. By nightfall Dudley was**** howling. He'd never had such a bad day in his life. He was hungry, he'd missed five television programs he'd wanted to see, and he'd never gone so long without blowing up an alien on his computer.**

**Uncle Vernon stopped at last outside a gloomy-looking hotel on the outskirts of a big city. Dudley and Harry shared a room with twin beds and damp, musty sheets. Dudley snored but Harry stayed awake, sitting on the windowsill, staring down at the lights of passing cars and wondering. . . .**

**They ate stale cornflakes and cold tinned tomatoes on toast for**** breakfast the next day. They had just finished when the owner of**

**the hotel came over to their table. **

" '**Scuse me, but is one of you Mr. H. Potter? Only I got about an**** 'undred of these at the front desk." She held up a letter so they could read the green ink address:**

**Mr. H. Potter**

**Room 17**

**Railview Hotel**

**Cokeworth**

**Harry made a grab for the letter but Uncle Vernon knocked his hand out of the way. The woman stared. **

"**I'll take them," said Uncle Vernon, standing up quickly and following**** her from the dining room.**

"**Wouldn't it be better just to go home, dear?" Aunt Petunia**** suggested timidly, hours later, but Uncle Vernon didn't seem to hear her. **

"Pfft" Lily smirked. "Tuney dear, that would be _logical_."

**Exactly what he was looking for, none of them knew. He**** drove them into the middle of a forest, got out, looked around, shook his head, got back in the car, and off they went again. The same thing happened in the middle of a plowed field, halfway across a suspension bridge, and at the top of a multilevel parking garage. **

"**Daddy's gone mad, hasn't he?" Dudley asked Aunt Petunia**** dully late that afternoon. **

"You know it's bad when even Brainless Buttercup sees it."

"Indeed it is, Mr Padfoot, indeed it is."

**Uncle Vernon had parked at the coast,**** locked them all inside the car, and disappeared. It started to rain. Great drops beat on the roof of the car. Dudley sniveled.**

"**It's Monday," he told his mother. "The Great Humberto's on tonight. I want to stay somewhere with a television."**

**Monday. This reminded Harry of something. If it was Monday**** — and you could usually count on Dudley to know the days of the week, because of television — then tomorrow, Tuesday, was Harry's eleventh birthday. Of course, his birthdays were never exactly fun — last year, the Dursleys had given him a coat hanger and a pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks. Still, you weren't eleven every day.**

**Uncle Vernon was back and he was smiling.**

"Uh-oh, bad sign" Sirius frowned.

**He was also carrying**** a long, thin package and didn't answer Aunt Petunia when she asked what he'd bought. **

"**Found the perfect place!" he said. "Come on! Everyone**** out!"**

**It was very cold outside the car. Uncle Vernon was pointing at what looked like a large rock way out at sea. Perched on top of the rock was the most miserable little shack you could imagine. One thing was certain, there was no television in there.**

"**Storm forecast for tonight!" said Uncle Vernon gleefully, clapping his hands together. "And this gentleman's kindly agreed to lend us his boat!"**

**A toothless old man came ambling up to them, pointing, with a rather wicked grin, at an old rowboat bobbing in the iron-gray water below them. **

"**I've already got us some rations," said Uncle Vernon, "so all**** aboard!"**

**It was freezing in the boat. Icy sea spray and rain crept down**** their necks and a chilly wind whipped their faces. After what seemed like hours they reached the rock, where Uncle Vernon, slipping and sliding, led the way to the broken-down house.**

**The inside was horrible; it smelled strongly of seaweed, the wind**** whistled through the gaps in the wooden walls, and the fireplace was damp and empty. There were only two rooms.**

**Uncle Vernon's rations turned out to be a bag of chips each and**** four bananas. **

"What?" Lily cried. "You _idiot_! You'd think such a fat man would get a bit more food, but no! He's more stupid than a knocked-out flobberworm! And I can read that, Potter." She snatched the book from James hands and continued from where he left off.

**He tried to start a fire but the empty chip bags just**** smoked and shriveled up.**

"**Could do with some of those letters now, eh?" he said cheerfully. He was in a very good mood. Obviously he thought nobody stood a chance of reaching them here in a storm to deliver mail. Harry privately agreed, though the thought didn't cheer him up at all.**

**As night fell, the promised storm blew up around them. Spray from the high waves splattered the walls of the hut and a fierce wind rattled the filthy windows. Aunt Petunia found a few moldy blankets in the second room and made up a bed for Dudley on the moth-eaten sofa. She and Uncle Vernon went off to the lumpy bed next door, and Harry was left to find the softest bit of floor he could and to curl up under the thinnest, most ragged blanket.**

James growled.

**The storm raged more and more ferociously as the night went**** on. Harry couldn't sleep. He shivered and turned over, trying to get comfortable, his stomach rumbling with hunger. Dudley's snores were drowned by the low rolls of thunder that started near midnight. The lighted dial of Dudley's watch, which was dangling over the edge of the sofa on his fat wrist, told Harry he'd be eleven in ten minutes' time. He lay and watched his birthday tick nearer, wondering if the Dursleys would remember at all, wondering where the letter writer was now.**

**Five minutes to go. Harry heard something creak outside. He hoped the roof wasn't going to fall in, although he might be warmer if it did. **

**Four minutes to go. Maybe the house in Privet**** Drive would be so full of letters when they got back that he'd be able to steal one somehow.**

**T****hree minutes to go. Was that the sea, slapping hard on the rock like that? And (two minutes to go) what was that funny crunching noise? Was the rock crumbling into the sea?**

**One minute to go and he'd be eleven. Thirty seconds . . . twenty . . . ten . . . nine — maybe he'd wake Dudley up, just to annoy him — three . . . two . . . one . . .**

**BOOM.**

"What?" James shrieked at a rather unmanly pitch. "What's happening!"

**The whole shack shivered and Harry sat bolt upright, staring at**** the door. Someone was outside, knocking to come in. **

"That's the end of the chapter" Lily said, frowning. "It's getting late, maybe we should go to bed."

"No!" James protested. "I need to know what happens to my son or I won't be able to sleep."

That gained him a startled glance from Lily, but after a moment she nodded and handed the book to him.

Sirius snorted and clambered onto the couch next to Remus, using the werewolf's lap as his footstool and leaning back against the armrest, ready for the next chapter. Remus gave a long-suffering sigh but couldn't hide the small smile that curled his lips. Peter simply chewed, rather thoughtfully, at a liquorice wand he'd found stuffed in his pocket. Rather dusty, but still good.

"Alright" James said, clearing his throat. "The next chapter is called 'The Keeper of the Keys'."


	5. And Wormtail Likes Cheese!

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: This, my friends and enemies, is the last chapter I had pre-written. As soon as this is uploaded I'll start writing the next one. Progress is a bit slow, though. Let me enlighten you to the reasons why, in the form of Lajsa's Supreme List of Annoying Things When Writing This Story:_

1. In copy-pasting the book contents, I have to sort of remove a lot of false line breaks and crap, since the pdf-file I copy it from is STUPID. Some of this crap still remains, I've noticed. I'm sorry for that. It annoys the crap out of me, but I want to start writing the dialogue itself, not spend five hours fixing the source text. And by the way, it seems I use the word "crap" a lot today. It may be a sign from Merlin.

_2. In the source text, every. single. "…" is written as ". . ." for some reason. I WANT IT GONE. But I'm too lazy to go correct them all. It sucks._

_Btw, Word thinks "Snivellus" should definitely be "snivelled" or "Snivel us!" xD_

_DISCLAIMER: Not mine no-no-no-no-noooooooooo._

**-CHAPTER FIVE-**

**-And Wormtail Likes Cheese!-**

"Keeper of the Keys?" Remus said shrewdly. "That's Hagrid, isn't it?"

"Must be" Sirius grinned. "Only his knocks would sound like that, eh? Read, Prongsie my darling!"

"I'd prefer if you didn't call me that in public, Siri-kins."

**BOOM. They knocked again. Dudley jerked awake.**

"**Where's the cannon?" he said stupidly.**

"Oh, it's probably stuffed up your…"

"Sirius!"

"Er, sorry, Lilykins."

"Don't call me that!"

**There was a crash behind them and Uncle Vernon came skidding into the room. He was holding a rifle in his hands — now they knew what had been in the long, thin package he had brought with them.**

"**Who's there?" he shouted. "I warn you — I'm armed!"**

**There was a pause. Then —**

**SMASH!**

**The door was hit with such force that it swung clean off its hinges and with a deafening crash landed flat on the floor. A giant of a man was standing in the doorway. His face was almost completely hidden by a long, shaggy mane of hair and a wild, tangled beard, but you could make out his eyes, glinting like black beetles under all the hair.**

"That's Hagrid all right" Remus smiled. "Though that description makes him sound a lot scarier than he is."

**The giant squeezed his way into the hut, stooping so that his head just brushed the ceiling. He bent down, picked up the door, and fitted it easily back into its frame. The noise of the storm outside dropped a little. He turned to look at them all. **

"**Couldn't make us a cup o' tea, could yeh? It's not been an easy journey. . . ."**

**He strode over to the sofa where Dudley sat frozen with fear. **

"**Budge up, yeh great lump," said the stranger.**

**Dudley squeaked and ran to hide behind his mother, who was crouching, terrified, behind Uncle Vernon.**

"**An' here's Harry!" said the giant.**

**Harry looked up into the fierce, wild, shadowy face and saw that the beetle eyes were crinkled in a smile.**

"Now _that's_ more like Hagrid" Lily said, smiling. She'd always had a bit of a soft spot for the enormous man with the enormous heart, ever since he'd helped her when her owl had been hurt during a storm in first year.

"**Las' time I saw you, you was only a baby," said the giant. "Yeh look a lot like yer dad, but yeh've got yer mom's eyes."**

**Uncle Vernon made a funny rasping noise.**

"**I demand that you leave at once, sir!" he said. "You are breaking and entering!"**

"**Ah, shut up, Dursley, yeh great prune," said the giant; he reached over the back of the sofa, jerked the gun out of Uncle Vernon's hands, bent it into a knot as easily as if it had been made of rubber, and threw it into a corner of the room. Uncle Vernon made another funny noise, like a mouse being trodden on.**

"I take offense to that description" said Peter in a dignified voice, but the effect was sort of ruined when Sirius stole the second liquorice wand he'd just been about to take a bite from.

"**Anyway — Harry," said the giant, turning his back on the Dursleys, "a very happy birthday to yeh. Got summat fer yeh here — I mighta sat on it at some point, but it'll taste all right."**

**From an inside pocket of his black overcoat he pulled a slightly squashed box. Harry opened it with trembling fingers. Inside was a large, sticky chocolate cake with Happy Birthday Harry written on it in green icing.**

**Harry looked up at the giant. He meant to say thank you, but the words got lost on the way to his mouth, and what he said instead was, "Who are you?"**

"Manners, Harry!" Lily chided, not noticing the soft, admiring looks James were sending her. Sirius, however, saw them in full view, and rolled his grey eyes most expertly.

**The giant chuckled.**

"**True, I haven't introduced meself. Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts."**

**He held out an enormous hand and shook Harry's whole arm.**

"**What about that tea then, eh?" he said, rubbing his hands together. "I'd not say no ter summat stronger if yeh've got it, mind."**

**His eyes fell on the empty grate with the shriveled chip bags in it and he snorted. He bent down over the fireplace; they couldn't see what he was doing but when he drew back a second later, there was a roaring fire there. It filled the whole damp hut with flickering light and Harry felt the warmth wash over him as though he'd sunk into a hot bath.**

**The giant sat back down on the sofa, which sagged under his weight, and began taking all sorts of things out of the pockets of his coat: a copper kettle, a squashy package of sausages, a poker, a teapot, several chipped mugs, and a bottle of some amber liquid that he took a swig from before starting to make tea. Soon the hut was full of the sound and smell of sizzling sausage. Nobody said a thing while the giant was working, but as he slid the first six fat, juicy, slightly burnt sausages from the poker, Dudley fidgeted a little.**

**Uncle Vernon said sharply, "Don't touch anything he gives you, Dudley."**

Sirius snorted.

"Yes, because the sausages were really meant for Dudley" he said sarcastically. "Because he looked totally underfed."

**The giant chuckled darkly. **

"**Yer great puddin' of a son don' need fattenin' anymore, Dursley, don' worry."**

"Hear, hear!" squeaked Peter who, while being kind of chubby, would seem absolutely tiny in comparison to Dudley.

**He passed the sausages to Harry, who was so hungry he had never tasted anything so wonderful, but he still couldn't take his eyes off the giant. Finally, as nobody seemed about to explain anything, he said, "I'm sorry, but I still don't really know who you are."**

**The giant took a gulp of tea and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.**

"**Call me Hagrid," he said, "everyone does. An' like I told yeh, I'm Keeper of Keys at Hogwarts — yeh'll know all about Hogwarts, o' course."**

"No, he doesn't" Sirius murmured glumly.

"And that is _your_ fault!" Lily shrieked into his ear, causing him to jump into the air. Later, Remus and James would have a very lively discussion of exactly how high he jumped; Remus claiming at least two feet, James thinking three feet were more likely.

"What?" Sirius spluttered. "My fault? How can it be my fault?"

"Because you aren't bloody there, you halfwitted… halfwit!"

"**Er — no," said Harry.**

**Hagrid looked shocked.**

"**Sorry," Harry said quickly.**

"**Sorry?" barked Hagrid, turning to stare at the Dursleys, who shrank back into the shadows. "It's them as should be sorry! I knew yeh weren't gettin' yer letters but I never thought yeh wouldn't even know abou' Hogwarts, fer cryin' out loud! Did yeh never wonder where yer parents learned it all?"**

"**All what?" asked Harry.**

"**ALL WHAT?" Hagrid thundered. "Now wait jus' one second!"**

**He had leapt to his feet. In his anger he seemed to fill the whole hut. The Dursleys were cowering against the wall. **

"**Do you mean ter tell me," he growled at the Dursleys, "that this boy — this boy! — knows nothin' abou' — about ANYTHING?"**

"That sounded kind of insulting" Remus chuckled.

**Harry thought this was going a bit far. He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren't bad.**

"**I know some things," he said. "I can, you know, do math and stuff."**

**But Hagrid simply waved his hand and said, "About our world, I mean. Your world. My world. Yer parents' world."**

"**What world?"**

"IT'S A SMAAAAALL WORLD AFTER AAAAAAAAALL!"

"Sirius, shut up!"

**Hagrid looked as if he was about to explode. **

"**DURSLEY!" he boomed.**

**Uncle Vernon, who had gone very pale, whispered something that sounded like "Mimblewimble." Hagrid stared wildly at Harry.**

"**But yeh must know about yer mom and dad," he said. "I mean, they're famous. You're famous."**

"**What? My — my mom and dad weren't famous, were they?"**

"**Yeh don' know . . . yeh don' know . . ." Hagrid ran his fingers through his hair, fixing Harry with a bewildered stare. "Yeh don' know what yeh are?" he said finally.**

**Uncle Vernon suddenly found his voice. "Stop!" he commanded. "Stop right there, sir! I forbid you to tell the boy anything!"**

**A braver man than Vernon Dursley would have quailed under the furious look Hagrid now gave him; when Hagrid spoke, his every syllable trembled with rage.**

"**You never told him? Never told him what was in the letter Dumbledore left fer him? I was there! I saw Dumbledore leave it, Dursley! An' you've kept it from him all these years?"**

"**Kept what from me?" said Harry eagerly.**

"**STOP! I FORBID YOU!" yelled Uncle Vernon in panic. Aunt Petunia gave a gasp of horror.**

"**Ah, go boil yer heads, both of yeh," said Hagrid. "Harry — yer a wizard."**

"Way to cut all the crap" Sirius sniggered, deftly avoiding the book that Remus aimed at his head to stop him from humming.

**There was silence inside the hut. Only the sea and the whistling wind could be heard.**

"**I'm a what?" gasped Harry.**

"**A wizard, o' course," said Hagrid, sitting back down on the sofa, which groaned and sank even lower, "an' a thumpin' good'un, I'd say, once yeh've been trained up a bit. With a mum an' dad like yours, what else would yeh be? An' I reckon it's abou' time yeh read yer letter."**

**Harry stretched out his hand at last to take the yellowish envelope, addressed in emerald green to Mr. H. Potter, The Floor, Hut-on-the-Rock, The Sea. He pulled out the letter and read:**

_**HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY**_

_**Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore**_

_**(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards )**_

_**Dear Mr. Potter,**_

_**We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.**_

_**Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.**_

_**Yours sincerely,**_

_**Minerva McGonagall,**_

_**Deputy Headmistress**_

"Yay!" James cheered. "McGonagall is still there!"

**Questions exploded inside Harry's head like fireworks and he couldn't decide which to ask first. After a few minutes he stammered, "What does it mean, they await my owl?"**

"**Gallopin' Gorgons, that reminds me," said Hagrid, clapping a hand to his forehead with enough force to knock over a cart horse, and from yet another pocket inside his overcoat he pulled an owl — a real, live, rather ruffled-looking owl — a long quill, and a roll of parchment. With his tongue between his teeth he scribbled a note that Harry could read upside down:**

**Dear Professor Dumbledore,**

**Given Harry his letter.**

**Taking him to buy his things tomorrow.**

**Weather's horrible. Hope you're well.**

**Hagrid**

**Hagrid rolled up the note, gave it to the owl, which clamped it in its beak, went to the door, and threw the owl out into the storm. Then he came back and sat down as though this was as normal as talking on the telephone.**

"In fact, it's _more_ normal than talking in the tellyphone" Sirius nodded importantly.

"To you perhaps, Mr Pureblood" Remus muttered.

**Harry realized his mouth was open and closed it quickly. **

"**Where was I?" said Hagrid, but at that moment, Uncle Vernon, still ashen-faced but looking very angry, moved into the firelight.**

"**He's not going," he said.**

**Hagrid grunted.**

"**I'd like ter see a great Muggle like you stop him," he said.**

"**A what?" said Harry, interested.**

"**A Muggle," said Hagrid, "it's what we call nonmagic folk like them. An' it's your bad luck you grew up in a family o' the biggest Muggles I ever laid eyes on."**

"**We swore when we took him in we'd put a stop to that rubbish," said Uncle Vernon, "swore we'd stamp it out of him! Wizard indeed!"**

"**You knew?" said Harry. "You knew I'm a — a wizard?"**

"**Knew!" shrieked Aunt Petunia suddenly. "Knew! Of course we knew! How could you not be, my dratted sister being what she was? Oh, she got a letter just like that and disappeared off to that — that school — and came home every vacation with her pockets full of frog spawn, turning teacups into rats. I was the only one who saw her for what she was — a freak! But for my mother and father, oh no, it was Lily this and Lily that, they were proud of having a witch in the family!"**

"I don't think the magic was what made them proud" James said quietly. "I'd be proud just of having someone like Lily in my family."

Lily gave him a shocked look, gaping at him. A genuine compliment? From James '_Stupid, Arrogant Toerag_´ Potter? By Merlin's most baggy Y-fronts, call the Daily Prophet!

"Thanks, Pot- eh, James."

**She stopped to draw a deep breath and then went ranting on. It seemed she had been wanting to say all this for years. **

"**Then she met that Potter at school and they left and got married and had you, and of course I knew you'd be just the same, just as strange, just as — as — abnormal — and then, if you please, she went and got herself blown up and we got landed with you!"**

**Harry had gone very white. As soon as he found his voice he said, "Blown up? You told me they died in a car crash!"**

"**CAR CRASH!" roared Hagrid, jumping up so angrily that the Dursleys scuttled back to their corner. "How could a car crash kill Lily an' James Potter? It's an outrage! A scandal! Harry Potter not knowin' his own story when every kid in our world knows his name!"**

"**But why? What happened?" Harry asked urgently. The anger faded from Hagrid's face. He looked suddenly anxious.**

"Oh Hagrid" Lily whispered, frowning sadly.

"**I never expected this," he said, in a low, worried voice. "I had no idea, when Dumbledore told me there might be trouble gettin' hold of yeh, how much yeh didn't know. Ah, Harry, I don' know if I'm the right person ter tell yeh — but someone's gotta — yeh can't go off ter Hogwarts not knowin'."**

**He threw a dirty look at the Dursleys.**

"**Well, it's best yeh know as much as I can tell yeh — mind, I can't tell yeh everythin', it's a great myst'ry, parts of it. . . ."**

**He sat down, stared into the fire for a few seconds, and then said, "It begins, I suppose, with — with a person called — but it's incredible yeh don't know his name, everyone in our world knows —"**

"**Who?"**

"**Well — I don' like sayin' the name if I can help it. No one does."**

"**Why not?"**

"**Gulpin' gargoyles, Harry, people are still scared. Blimey, this is difficult. See, there was this wizard who went . . . bad. As bad as you could go. Worse. Worse than worse. His name was . . ."**

**Hagrid gulped, but no words came out.**

"**Could you write it down?" Harry suggested.**

"**Nah — can't spell it. All right — Voldemort." Hagrid shuddered. "Don' make me say it again. Anyway, this — this wizard, about twenty years ago now, started lookin' fer followers. Got 'em, too — some were afraid, some just wanted a bit o' his power, 'cause he was gettin' himself power, all right. Dark days, Harry. Didn't know who ter trust, didn't dare get friendly with strange wizards or witches . . . terrible things happened. He was takin' over. 'Course, some stood up to him — an' he killed 'em. Horribly. One o' the only safe places left was Hogwarts. Reckon Dumbledore's the only one You-Know-Who was afraid of. Didn't dare try takin' the school, not jus' then, anyway.**

"**Now, yer mum an' dad were as good a witch an' wizard as I ever knew. Head boy an' girl at Hogwarts in their day!**

"What?" James gaped. "I'll be Head Boy? That's bloody madness!" Sirius lost his fight with laughter, and within about half a second he was rolling on the floor with mirth. Remus was just staring incredulously at his friends, wondering, once again, how he put up with them.

"Dumbledore must have had a few too many drinks to make James bloody Potter Head Boy" Lily muttered. "And I'll be Head Girl. Oh heck. One year of torture."

**Suppose the myst'ry is why You-Know-Who never tried to get 'em on his side before. . . probably knew they were too close ter Dumbledore ter want anythin' ter do with the Dark Side.**

"**Maybe he thought he could persuade 'em . . . maybe he just wanted 'em outta the way. All anyone knows is, he turned up in the village where you was all living, on Halloween ten years ago. You was just a year old. He came ter yer house an' — an' —" **

Lily sniffled quietly, searching her pockets for a handkerchief.

**Hagrid suddenly pulled out a very dirty, spotted handkerchief and blew his nose with a sound like a foghorn.**

"**Sorry," he said. "But it's that sad — knew yer mum an' dad, an' nicer people yeh couldn't find — anyway . . .**

"**You-Know-Who killed 'em. An' then — an' this is the real myst'ry of the thing — he tried to kill you, too. Wanted ter make a clean job of it, I suppose, or maybe he just liked killin' by then. But he couldn't do it. Never wondered how you got that mark on yer forehead? That was no ordinary cut. That's what yeh get when a powerful, evil curse touches yeh — took care of yer mum an' dad an' yer house, even — but it didn't work on you, an' that's why yer famous, Harry. No one ever lived after he decided ter kill 'em, no one except you, an' he'd killed some o' the best witches an' wizards**

**of the age — the McKinnons, the Bones, the Prewetts**

"Oh my God" Lily whispered. "They're all… dead?"

— **an' you was only a baby, an' you lived." **

**Something very painful was going on in Harry's mind. As Hagrid's story came to a close, he saw again the blinding flash of green light, more clearly than he had ever remembered it before — and he remembered something else, for the first time in his life: a high, cold, cruel laugh.**

**Hagrid was watching him sadly.**

"**Took yeh from the ruined house myself, on Dumbledore's orders. Brought yeh ter this lot . . ."**

"**Load of old tosh," said Uncle Vernon. Harry jumped; he had almost forgotten that the Dursleys were there. Uncle Vernon certainly seemed to have got back his courage. He was glaring at Hagrid and his fists were clenched.**

"**Now, you listen here, boy," he snarled, "I accept there's something strange about you, probably nothing a good beating wouldn't have cured**

"Don't you dare!" James snarled.

— **and as for all this about your parents, well, they were weirdos, no denying it, and the world's better off without them in my opinion — asked for all they got, getting mixed up with these wizarding types — just what I expected, always knew they'd come to a sticky end —"**

**But at that moment, Hagrid leapt from the sofa and drew a battered pink umbrella from inside his coat. Pointing this at Uncle Vernon like a sword, he said, "I'm warning you, Dursley — I'm warning you — one more word . . ."**

**In danger of being speared on the end of an umbrella by a bearded giant, Uncle Vernon's courage failed again; he flattened himself against the wall and fell silent.**

"Oh horror of horrors" Sirius sniggered. "In such danger, I'd be rather quiet myself." Remus snapped his fingers.

"So _that_'s how to shut you up! I'll have to remember that!"

"**That's better," said Hagrid, breathing heavily and sitting back down on the sofa, which this time sagged right down to the floor. Harry, meanwhile, still had questions to ask, hundreds of them.**

"**But what happened to Vol-, sorry — I mean, You-Know-Who?"**

"**Good question, Harry. Disappeared. Vanished. Same night he tried ter kill you. Makes yeh even more famous. That's the biggest myst'ry, see . . . he was gettin' more an' more powerful — why'd he go?**

"**Some say he died. Codswallop, in my opinion. Dunno if he had enough human left in him to die. Some say he's still out there, bidin' his time, like, but I don' believe it. People who was on his side came back ter ours. Some of 'em came outta kinda trances. Don' reckon they could've done if he was comin' back. **

"**Most of us reckon he's still out there somewhere but lost his powers. Too weak to carry on. 'Cause somethin' about you finished him, Harry. There was somethin' goin' on that night he hadn't counted on — I dunno what it was, no one does — but somethin' about you stumped him, all right."**

James lips curled in an expression neither Lily nor the Marauders had ever seen on his face before; one of pride and affection. For once, not even Sirius could come up with some sarcastic remark. Not that he didn't try.

**Hagrid looked at Harry with warmth and respect blazing in his eyes, but Harry, instead of feeling pleased and proud, felt quite sure there had been a horrible mistake. A wizard? Him? How could he possibly be? He'd spent his life being clouted by Dudley, and bullied by Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon; if he was really a wizard, why hadn't they been turned into warty toads every time they'd tried to lock him in his cupboard? If he'd once defeated the greatest sorcerer in the world, how come Dudley had always been able to kick him around like a football?**

"Sweetheart, it doesn't work like that" Lily said softly. James glanced at her, but said nothing. Remus grinned at the wordless interaction. Perhaps Pesky Potter and Esteemed Evans weren't as far from each other as they thought.

"**Hagrid," he said quietly, "I think you must have made a mistake. I don't think I can be a wizard."**

**To his surprise, Hagrid chuckled.**

"**Not a wizard, eh? Never made things happen when you was scared or angry?"**

**Harry looked into the fire. Now he came to think about it . . . every odd thing that had ever made his aunt and uncle furious with him had happened when he, Harry, had been upset or angry . . . chased by Dudley's gang, he had somehow found himself out of their reach . . . dreading going to school with that ridiculous haircut, he'd managed to make it grow back . . . and the very last time Dudley had hit him, hadn't he got his revenge, without even realizing he was doing it? Hadn't he set a boa constrictor on him?**

**Harry looked back at Hagrid, smiling, and saw that Hagrid was positively beaming at him.**

"**See?" said Hagrid. "Harry Potter, not a wizard — you wait, you'll be right famous at Hogwarts."**

**But Uncle Vernon wasn't going to give in without a fight.**

"**Haven't I told you he's not going?" he hissed. "He's going to Stonewall High and he'll be grateful for it. I've read those letters and he needs all sorts of rubbish — spell books and wands and —"**

"**If he wants ter go, a great Muggle like you won't stop him," growled Hagrid. "Stop Lily an' James Potter's son goin' ter Hogwarts! Yer mad. His name's been down ever since he was born. He's off ter the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the world. Seven years there and he won't know himself. He'll be with youngsters of his own sort, fer a change, an' he'll be under the greatest headmaster Hogwarts ever had, Albus Dumbled—"**

"**I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!" yelled Uncle Vernon.**

"Uh-oh" Remus smirked.

**But he had finally gone too far. Hagrid seized his umbrella and whirled it over his head, "NEVER —" he thundered, "— INSULT — ALBUS — DUMBLEDORE — IN — FRONT — OF — ME!"**

**He brought the umbrella swishing down through the air to point at Dudley — there was a flash of violet light, a sound like a firecracker, a sharp squeal, and the next second, Dudley was dancing on the spot with his hands clasped over his fat bottom, howling in pain. When he turned his back on them, Harry saw a curly pig's tail poking through a hole in his trousers.**

James and Sirius roared with laughter. Peter tagged along, like he usually did.

"How fitting" Remus remarked, arching an eyebrow while Lily giggled reluctantly.

**Uncle Vernon roared. Pulling Aunt Petunia and Dudley into the other room, he cast one last terrified look at Hagrid and slammed the door behind them.**

**Hagrid looked down at his umbrella and stroked his beard. **

"**Shouldn'ta lost me temper," he said ruefully, "but it didn't work anyway. Meant ter turn him into a pig, but I suppose he was so much like a pig anyway there wasn't much left ter do."**

"H-hear hear" stuttered Sirius between bouts of laughter.

**He cast a sideways look at Harry under his bushy eyebrows.**

"**Be grateful if yeh didn't mention that ter anyone at Hogwarts," he said. "I'm — er — not supposed ter do magic, strictly speakin'. I was allowed ter do a bit ter follow yeh an' get yer letters to yeh an' stuff — one o' the reasons I was so keen ter take on the job —"**

"**Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.**

"**Oh, well — I was at Hogwarts meself but I — er — got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wand in half an' everything. But Dumbledore let me stay on as gamekeeper. Great man, Dumbledore."**

"**Why were you expelled?"**

"**It's gettin' late and we've got lots ter do tomorrow," said Hagrid loudly. "Gotta get up ter town, get all yer books an' that."**

"Smooth, Hagrid" chortled Sirius. "If Harry ever gets to hear _that_ story, I'll eat my own shoes."

**He took off his thick black coat and threw it to Harry.**

"**You can kip under that," he said. "Don' mind if it wriggles a bit, I think I still got a couple o' dormice in one o' the pockets."**

"End of chapter" James said gravely. "Is there anything Hagrid doesn't have in his pockets?"

"The Hogwarts Express itself" came the prompt reply from Remus. "It's kind of late. Perhaps we should go to bed, and keep reading tomorrow instead?"

"Good idea" Lily murmured. "I'll take the books with me, shall I?"

"As long as you don't read in advance, yes" Sirius chided childishly.

"I'm hungry" Peter pointed out, rather unnecessarily, as his stomach gave a roar more suited to a furious bull, or perhaps Snivellus confronted with shampoo. "I want cheese."

"You're always hungry" James scoffed, but grinned. "Up for a kitchen raid then?"

"James Potter!" Lily snapped. "You may think it's alright to break rules, but I am a prefect and I will not let you steal food from the house-elves!"

He cowered underneath her glare, and Remus snorted.

"While you people kill each other, I'll go to bed."

"I agree!" Sirius announced. "Moony! Carry me to bed!"

"That could be interpreted in many different ways, Padfoot" James sniggered, despite the murderous looks Lily was sending him. Remus huffed and rose to his feet without Sirius. Which of course wasn't accepted by the damn mutt, who flung himself from the couch in his usual overdramatic way, throwing his arms around Remus' neck in the process and nearly making him topple over with the impact.

"Lily, I am abused" Remus forced forth between his gritted teeth. "Please alert the authorities. Or at least owl Sirius' parents. They ought to be able to make him stop." With that, he slowly stomped his way towards and up the stairs, trying to get rid of his extra passenger every step of the way.

"If they told me to stop I'd just keep going, you know that, right?" Sirius said, raising his eyebrows. "As a matter of fact, I'd probably do something even more drastic, like, er, sewing my hands to your neck or something."

"Oh yes, I know" Remus grumbled. "But I'd ask them to tell you how very Black-like it would be to depend on lower beings like certain half-blood werewolves to carry you around."

For a moment, he thought he'd won the argument, as Sirius was very quiet and not nearly as clingy as he could be. And then, at the moment he was prepared to grin in victory, he nearly choked as the damn mutt tightened his grip on his neck.

"You're right, it would be Black of me. But that depends on whether I see you as a lower being, ri-i-i-ight?"

And Remus gave a long-suffering sigh… before digging his nails into the back of Sirius' hands, causing him to shriek (in a rather unmanly way) and drop to the floor.

People may say that Sirius Black always wins… but Remus Lupin sure does kick his arse.


	6. An Alley Placed Diagonally

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: Phew! I'd written about half of this the day I uploaded the last chapter, then I lost all kinds of inspiration, and only now did I regain it. I haven't proofread this very thoroughly, so I apologize for any errors (usually I write pretty well on the first try, so proofreading is sort of an alien concept to me since I'm lazy xD). I was rather eager to get this uploaded, and I apologize for the delay. Please review! Reviews are like a surge of sudden inspiration to my brain, eh. I usually really feel like writing a bit when I get to hear someone enjoyed it… or didn't. Don't be scared of giving me constructive criticism, I won't chew your head off… probably ;) Oh, by the way; I'm probably re-uploading a few of the old chapters to correct errors, like the butchered list in chapter one (was supposed to be an a-b-c type of list, but refused to accept it and turned it into plain text :p). Reaaaaaaad and enjoy (hopefully)!_

_DISCLAIMER: None of this belongs to me. I'm borrowing all these lovely characters and then I'm butchering them (butchering is such a funny word!) to fit my own ideas. Everything in __**bold**__ that you recognize belongs to J.K. Rowling, who is totally awesome and owns my arse completely._

**-CHAPTER SIX-**

**-****An Alley Placed Diagonally-**

Morning came bright and cold on the day before Christmas and the damned full moon. Why mention the moon, you ask? Well, because it was the reason Remus Lupin had his beauty sleep interrupted at the most ungodly hour of four o'clock. For what reason? Well, James kicked his feet and happened to hit the bedpost by accident. Damned oversensitive werewolf hearing. Damned full moon. Damned little sheep on Sirius' pyjamas.

Remus released a stream of whispered curses all the way from his bed to the shower. About ten billion litres of water later (only a small exaggeration), he did feel a bit better. Not so much, but a bit. The fact that he could hear Peter snoring through the wall just made him want to go and wake the bastard up. Okay, he wasn't _completely_ well. His head, for one, felt as though it'd been run over by a flock of Hagrid's hippogriffs. His nose was itching from the smell of Sirius' flowery shampoo in its bottle on the shelf.

He growled at the offending bottle as he passed it, but it didn't reply. Cowardly little thing. He growled again at the thought, then he had to shut up as Sirius gave a little snort in his bed. His own bed had gone cold since he'd left it, and though he was so tired his eyes threatened to fall closed, he knew he wouldn't get to sleep. Instead, he picked up three light volumes from the pile on his nightstand before he headed downstairs to the empty common room. Perhaps a thousand pages of well-worn, familiar A History of Magic could soothe his raging wolf.

Needless to say, it didn't work.

The smell of the fire (which he had burst new life into with his wand upon arriving to the common room) was tickling his nostrils. It smelled like soot and smoke and burning wood. Overall, it was quite a nice smell… when he didn't have to feel it all über-concentrated with his stupid enhanced senses. Once again, he cursed them. Sometimes he wished that just chopping his nose and ears off would help, but it wouldn't matter; he'd still turn into a raging beast tomorrow, so what was this little thing to complain about? Yet, hearing a mouse chewing something in the corner was not what he'd consider an ideal way to relax and calm down. And that damned fire scent…

And then suddenly, something brown was whipped under his nose, suspended in midair, and he jumped and then sighed.

Chocolate. The most wonderful smell in the world…

"Sirius" he muttered.

"Remus!" chirped Black in his most annoyingly cheerful voice. "What a wonderful day! I just want to hug everyone and paint little butterflies on their faces!"

"And I just want to kill you" Remus thought. Sirius levitated the chocolate out of his grasp with a theatrical huff from behind him. Oops, did he say that out loud?

"That's not very nice, wolfie" Sirius said. "I was thinking I'd give you some chocolate to cheer you up and ease your PMS, but…"

"Don't call it that!" Remus said. "Give me the chocolate!"

"Oh, but PMS is a good name for it" Sirius smirked as he took a seat in the armchair next to his. "Pre-Moon Syndrome, yes?"

"If I let you call it that for _today_, will you give me the chocolate?"

"For _that_ generous offer, I'll give you _this_ chocolate" Sirius said. "But not the chocolate I've hidden in a secret place for bribes when you go all moony on me."

Remus sighed. Deeply.

"Alright" he muttered. "Please just give me the chocolate."

This brought a grin to Sirius' face and he handed him the chocolate bar. Remus huffed, blissfully inhaling the scent of sugar and cocoa before taking one huge bite and feeling the world righting itself at once.

"So, what d'you think of that book thing?" Sirius asked after a moment. "I mean, d'you think it's all true? Is Prongs going to get Evans? Are they going to have a kid and snuff it?"

Remus frowned, munching thoughtfully.

"I don't know" he said at last. "It does sound sort of plausible. Not the Prongs heart Lily stuff, but the rest. I mean, they were murdered by Voldemort, and I've thought about it; surely Prongs and Lily, if they do get married, would join the fight against him together? But the book hasn't contained any real info about them yet, right? I mean, if it proceeds to list a load of stuff that only we could know, then I guess it could be true."

"But you mean what you said yesterday about changing it?"

Sirius sounded sort of insecure; an odd thing for him. Remus eyed him with concern.

"Of course" he said. "Do you really think I could just let them go and die if it turns out the book was true? Perhaps it'll hand us valuable information, so that we can stop it from happening. I don't want Lily and James to die any more than you do, Padfoot."

The Heir of Black nodded, but then he frowned.

"I wonder where _we_ are?" he said. "I mean, wouldn't we do our best to take care of Harry if they died? And… and if I am godfather like they say I'd be, why haven't I gone to get him?"

"I don't know" said Remus, shrugging but frowning at the same time. "It's odd. I wonder if something's happened to us. I mean, sure, I wouldn't be allowed to care for a child with my… condition, but I'd like to think I would at least visit him. And why isn't he with you? It's weird. I guess the book will tell us, but I'm a bit scared that something's happened to us."

"I don't want James to die" Sirius muttered. "I wonder why Voldiepants would want to kill them."

"Well, probably…"

"Discussing my coming demise without me? I'm seriously hurt, and don't you dare make that pun, Sirius Black."

James bore down upon them both with all the gentleness of a dozen dungbombs, though with less smell. He was followed by Peter, who was in a state of near-zombieness with a Sugar Quill dangling from the corner of his mouth.

"Why are you guys up already?" Remus asked, raising an eyebrow as he devoured the last of the chocolate. "It's half past five. I thought 'wake up' wasn't in your vocabulary until at least noon."

"Well, dear darling Remus" James said gravely. "Dear, darling Sirius suffers from a serious disease, which you seem to have forgotten about."

"I have?" Remus said, eyebrow travelling uphill.

"I do?" Sirius asked at the same time, eyes widening.

"Yes" said James. "It's called… A _COMPLETE_ FREAKING INABILITY TO BE _QUIET_!"

"Yes" Peter piped up. "He turned over like twenty different things on his way from the bed to that wardrobe by the door, and then…"

"Wardrobe?" Remus asked, astute as ever. "So that's where you hide the…"

"EVANS!" Sirius yelled, making them all jump.

"WHERE?" James screeched, whirling around to stare around him. "WHERE?"

"Er… I mean, we should call her so we can go back to those books!"

Obviously, he'd noticed Remus' death-glare. Stupid observant mutt. Oh well. Calling Lily was actually a sensible idea… unless it involved letting James '_Tact? What tact?_' Potter do the calling.

"No, I'll call her, wait!" yelped Remus, just as James shouted up the stairs:

"LILY MY DARLING FLOWER CHOCOLATE PUDDING! LET DOWN YOUR HAIR AND LET ME CLIMB THE… ER, REDDISH STAIR! DID MY HEART LOVE TILL NOW? … something… SIGHT FOR I NEVER SAW TRUE BEAUTY TILL THIS NIGHT!"

At that, he had to duck a copy of Advanced Runes and Their Non-Existent Use in Everyday Life that had been hurled at him from the girls' dormitories. Lily had quite the aim. She could have played for the Quidditch team. Of course, the benefits of having one with such an aim would be kind of killed by the effect she'd have on team captain James…

"One" said Lily as she came steamrolling down the stair, dressed rather sloppily in some kind of girly dress-thingy. What? Remus might be a bit less "bad-boy" than James and Sirius, but he was still a _man_. Or a boy perhaps. At least he was male. Oh yeah, Lily's ranting.

"If you EVER call me '_darling flower chocolate pudding'_ I'm going to CASTRATE you!" she screeched. "And NEVER recite Shakespeare at me again! Two; WHAT THE HELL did you even want? What are you doing up? It's bloody not even six in the morning yet!"

"Er, Lily" said Peter, rather unexpectedly, as James cowered and tried to fit underneath the couch Sirius had migrated to. "We just thought we'd call you as we wanted to keep reading that book. James just got a bit… excited. We're sorry for waking you."

"Oh" she said, looking kind of sheepish. "Let's read then. Who will take the book?"

"I will!" Sirius shouted, waving it around with a sort of dangerously mischievous look on his face. Remus frowned and moved to sit as far away from him as possible as the others took their places. Better not be in the way if the bastard tried something.

"Chapter five, Diagon Alley" said Sirius importantly, donning his rather worthless imitation of Remus' patented 'professor' face.

**Harry woke early the next morning. Although he could tell it was daylight, he kept his eyes shut tight.**

"**It was a dream," he told himself firmly. "I dreamed a giant called Hagrid came to tell me I was going to a school for wizards. When I open my eyes I'll be at home in my cupboard."**

"Aww, must he be so depressing?"

"Sirius, that is my son you're talking about!"

"Sorry, Prongsie-poo. Didn't mean to insult widdle Hawwy-poopsies."

"Black, Potter may be too much of a wimp to kill you, but I certainly am not. My son. Is not. Depressing."

"Overuse of punctuation right there, Evans! OVERUSE, I tell you!"

"Black…"

"Er… on second thought, I'll just read about your optimistic little ray of sunshine!"

**There was suddenly a loud tapping noise. And there's Aunt Petunia knocking on the door, Harry thought, his heart sinking. But he still didn't open his eyes. It had been such a good dream.**

**Tap. Tap. Tap.**

"He could tapdance!" Peter said. "That'd make him happy!"

Cue weird looks. The rat animagus blushed bright red ("but not as red as Lily's beautiful red locks that smell of strawberries!" James would later claim) and hid behind a cushion.

"**All right," Harry mumbled, "I'm getting up."**

**He sat up and Hagrid's heavy coat fell off him. The hut was full of sunlight, the storm was over, Hagrid himself was asleep on the collapsed sofa, and there was an owl rapping its claw on the window, a newspaper held in its beak.**

**Harry scrambled to his feet, so happy he felt as though a large balloon was swelling inside him. **

"What kind of description is that?"

**He went straight to the window and jerked it open. The owl swooped in and dropped the newspaper on top of Hagrid, who didn't wake up. The owl then fluttered onto the floor and began to attack Hagrid's coat.**

"**Don't do that."**

**Harry tried to wave the owl out of the way but it snapped its beak fiercely at him and carried on savaging the coat.**

"**Hagrid!" said Harry loudly. "There's an owl —"**

"**Pay him," Hagrid grunted into the sofa.**

"He doesn't know anything about owls, Hagrid!" Lily said anxiously. "Help him! You can sleep some other day!"

"**What?"**

"**He wants payin' fer deliverin' the paper. Look in the pockets."**

**Hagrid's coat seemed to be made of nothing but pockets — bunches of keys, slug pellets, balls of string, peppermint humbugs, teabags . . . finally, Harry pulled out a handful of strange-looking coins.**

"They're not strange-looking!" Sirius protested, interrupting himself. "What's so strange about them? It makes no sense!"

"Gee, I don't know, he's grown up with muggle money, perhaps?" huffed Remus, sniffing his own fingers in a vaguely canine gesture to mask the smell of smoke with the smell of sweet chocolate goodness. "But of course you wouldn't know that, Mr. Pureblood."

"Oh Moony" Sirius said, voice heavy with sarcasm. "I know you love me, you need not show it so much. We're in public, you know."

"**Give him five Knuts," said Hagrid sleepily.**

"**Knuts?"**

"**The little bronze ones."**

**Harry counted out five little bronze coins, and the owl held out his leg so Harry could put the money into a small leather pouch tied to it. Then he flew off through the open window.**

James frowned. "How did he know it was a he?"

"Does it matter?"

"As long as he didn't inspect his…"

"Potter, please shut your mouth" Lily snapped. "This is what I get for socializing with males!"

"I take offence to that" said Remus.

"Oh, sorry, Remus. You're not like them."

"No, Remus is more like a girl" said Sirius gleefully. "He even has…"

"You shut up, Sirius Orion Black, or I'll tear your head off personally!"

"Er, of course, dear Moony. Shutting up now."

**Hagrid yawned loudly, sat up, and stretched.**

"**Best be off, Harry, lots ter do today, gotta get up ter London an' buy all yer stuff fer school."**

"Oooh, he's going to Diagon Alley!"

"It's the chapter title, Evans."

**Harry was turning over the wizard coins and looking at them. He had just thought of something that made him feel as though the happy balloon inside him had got a puncture.**

"Oh no" said Remus. "Not the happy balloon!"

"**Um — Hagrid?"**

"**Mm?" said Hagrid, who was pulling on his huge boots.**

"**I haven't got any money — and you heard Uncle Vernon last night . . . he won't pay for me to go and learn magic."**

"**Don't worry about that," said Hagrid, standing up and scratching his head. "D'yeh think yer parents didn't leave yeh anything?"**

"Of course!" James said fiercely, clenching his fists. "I'd leave all my money for him! The Dursleys better not have taken it from him or something!"

"They wouldn't" said Lily dryly. "My sister, walking into Gringotts? Last time she was there, she kicked a goblin and got her arse kicked out in return."

"**But if their house was destroyed —"**

"He's never heard of a bank?"

"**They didn' keep their gold in the house, boy! Nah, first stop fer us is Gringotts. Wizards' bank. Have a sausage, they're not bad cold — an' I wouldn' say no teh a bit o' yer birthday cake, neither."**

"**Wizards have banks?"**

"Well, we sure as heck don't keep our money in our mattresses."

"Shut it and read, Black."

"Can't do both, Lilykins."

"**Just the one. Gringotts. Run by goblins."**

**Harry dropped the bit of sausage he was holding.**

"**Goblins?"**

"Ugly little buggers" James said idly.

"Pot calling the kettle black!" Sirius cried dramatically.

"Oh shut it."

"**Yeah — so yeh'd be mad ter try an' rob it, I'll tell yeh that. Never mess with goblins, Harry. Gringotts is the safest place in the world fer anything yeh want ter keep safe — 'cept maybe Hogwarts. As a matter o' fact, I gotta visit Gringotts anyway Fer Dumbledore. Hogwarts business." Hagrid drew himself up proudly.**

"**He usually gets me ter do important stuff fer him. Fetchin' you — gettin' things from Gringotts — knows he can trust me, see.**

"**Got everythin'? Come on, then."**

**Harry followed Hagrid out onto the rock. The sky was quite clear now and the sea gleamed in the sunlight. The boat Uncle Vernon had hired was still there, with a lot of water in the bottom after the storm.**

"**How did you get here?" Harry asked, looking around for another boat.**

"**Flew," said Hagrid.**

"**Flew?"**

"**Yeah — but we'll go back in this. Not s'pposed ter use magic now I've got yeh."**

**They settled down in the boat, Harry still staring at Hagrid, trying to imagine him flying.**

"He better not have abused a poor broom to 'fly'!" James cried, looking distraught. Remus hid his chuckle with a cough.

"I don't think a broom with Hagrid on it would lift at all" he said. "Also, it probably wouldn't be very comfortable for him."

"Eww" Sirius grimaced. "Bad mental images, mate."

"**Seems a shame ter row, though," said Hagrid, giving Harry another of his sideways looks. "If I was ter — er — speed things up a bit, would yeh mind not mentionin' it at Hogwarts?"**

"**Of course not," said Harry, eager to see more magic.**

"Of course" sniggered James.

**Hagrid pulled out the pink umbrella again, tapped it twice on the side of the boat, and they sped off toward land.**

"**Why would you be mad to try and rob Gringotts?" Harry**

**asked.**

"**Spells — enchantments," said Hagrid, unfolding his newspaper as he spoke. "They say there's dragons guardin' the high security vaults. And then yeh gotta find yer way — Gringotts is hundreds of miles under London, see. Deep under the Underground. Yeh'd die of hunger tryin' ter get out, even if yeh did manage ter get yer hands on summat."**

"Has there ever even been anyone trying to break in?" Remus mused. "I mean, it _is _very well protected."

"I don't know" Lily admitted. "I haven't heard of anything lately, though. Maybe there's a section in A History of Magic or something like that, or…"

"There's nothing in that book at least" Remus said, shaking his head. "I've read it several times, so…"

"MOVING ON!" screeched Sirius, picking up on the reading with a vengeance, as James pretended to snore in boredom and Peter actually _did_ snore.

**Harry sat and thought about this while Hagrid read his newspaper, the Daily Prophet. Harry had learned from Uncle Vernon that people liked to be left alone while they did this, but it was very difficult, he'd never had so many questions in his life.**

"Ask your questions, son" James shrugged, having immediately 'awoken' when Sirius shouted the first sentence in his ear. "Hagrid won't be angry."

"Oh wow" Lily said sarcastically. "James Potter, being mature and serious? I think the apocalypse is coming."

"Don't use such big words with him" Remus chided. "He won't understand you if you do."

"I'm wounded, Moony" muttered James, blushing vividly at the almost-praise from Lily.

"**Ministry o' Magic messin' things up as usual," Hagrid muttered, turning the page.**

"**There's a Ministry of Magic?" Harry asked, before he could stop himself.**

" '**Course," said Hagrid. "They wanted Dumbledore fer Minister, o' course, but he'd never leave Hogwarts, so old Cornelius Fudge got the job. Bungler if ever there was one. So he pelts Dumbledore with owls every morning, askin' fer advice."**

"**But what does a Ministry of Magic do?"**

"They mungle everything up and try to hide things, yeah?" Sirius grumbled. "They're still talking about Voldemort as though he's just some passing fad."

"**Well, their main job is to keep it from the Muggles that there's still witches an' wizards up an' down the country."**

"**Why?"**

"**Why? Blimey, Harry, everyone'd be wantin' magic solutions to their problems. Nah, we're best left alone."**

**At this moment the boat bumped gently into the harbor wall. Hagrid folded up his newspaper, and they clambered up the stone steps onto the street.**

**Passersby stared a lot at Hagrid as they walked through the little town to the station. Harry couldn't blame them. Not only was Hagrid twice as tall as anyone else, he kept pointing at perfectly ordinary things like parking meters and saying loudly, "See that, Harry? Things these Muggles dream up, eh?"**

Lily giggled, while Sirius and James seemed a bit befuddled. Remus rolled his eyes, and Peter let out a loud snort in his sleep.

"**Hagrid," said Harry, panting a bit as he ran to keep up, "did you say there are dragons at Gringotts?"**

"**Well, so they say," said Hagrid. "Crikey, I'd like a dragon."**

"**You'd like one?"**

"**Wanted one ever since I was a kid — here we go."**

"Yes, but you're mad, Hagrid" Remus snorted. In reality, he did quite enjoy the company of the enormous man; they had tea sometimes, with or without the other marauders, and Hagrid truly did understand a bit better than most what it was like to be a dark creature, or partly one. Ignoring this, Remus did find Hagrid a bit mad… at least when it came to weirdly dangerous monsters.

**They had reached the station. There was a train to London in five minutes' time. Hagrid, who didn't understand "Muggle money," as he called it, gave the bills to Harry so he could buy their tickets.**

**People stared more than ever on the train. Hagrid took up two seats and sat knitting what looked like a canary-yellow circus tent. **

"Er… nice" Sirius snorted.

"**Still got yer letter, Harry?" he asked as he counted stitches.** **Harry took the parchment envelope out of his pocket.**

"**Good," said Hagrid. "There's a list there of everything yeh**

**need."**

**Harry unfolded a second piece of paper he hadn't noticed the night before, and read:**

_**HOGWARTS SCHOOL**_

_**of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY**_

_**First-year students will require:**_

_**1. Three sets of plain work robes (black)**_

_**2. One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear**_

"That's a bit weird, really" Lily observed. "I mean, how often do we use them?"

"Why don't we, really?" Peter murmured, finally waking up.

"Because they're damn overheating devices, that's why, Wormtail" said Sirius, rolling his eyes.

"I think they're good anyway" Remus said. "They're nice when it's cold outside."

_**3. One pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or similar)**_

_**4. One winter cloak (black, silver fastenings)**_

_**Please note that all pupils' clothes should carry name tags.**_

_**All students should have a copy of each of the following:**_

**The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 1)**_** by Miranda Goshawk**_

**A History of Magic**_** by Bathilda Bagshot**_

Remus cheered, gaining somewhat disgusted looks from the other boys.

**Magical Theory**_** by Adalbert Waffling**_

**A Beginners' Guide to Transfiguration**_** by Emeric Switch**_

**One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi**_** by Phyllida Spore**_

**Magical Drafts and Potions**_** by Arsenius Jigger**_

**Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them**_** by Newt Scamander**_

**The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection**_** by Quentin Trimble**_

Lily raised an eyebrow. "That's a new one. Guess they have a new teacher once again."

"Well, they say the job is cursed."

"Which is probably just superstition, Remus."

"Superstitions can sometimes be useful, and it _is_ a bit odd that there's a new teacher every single year, isn't it?"

"Yes, but still…"

_**1 wand**_

_**1 cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)**_

_**1 set glass or crystal phials**_

_**1 telescope**_

_**1 set brass scales**_

_**Students may also bring an owl OR a cat OR a toad.**_

_**PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICKS.**_

"Which is a lousy rule" James grumbled.

"For you perhaps, Potter."

"**Can we buy all this in London?" Harry wondered aloud.**

"**If yeh know where to go," said Hagrid.**

**Harry had never been to London before. Although Hagrid seemed to know where he was going, he was obviously not used to getting there in an ordinary way. He got stuck in the ticket barrier on the Underground, and complained loudly that the seats were too small and the trains too slow.**

"**I don't know how the Muggles manage without magic," he said as they climbed a broken-down escalator that led up to a bustling road lined with shops.**

Lily snorted and Remus smiled.

"Hagrid's so discreet" he said.

**Hagrid was so huge that he parted the crowd easily; all Harry had to do was keep close behind him. **

"That's sort of handy, though" observed James, grinning.

**They passed book shops and music stores, hamburger restaurants and cinemas, but nowhere that looked as if it could sell you a magic wand. This was just an ordinary street full of ordinary people. Could there really be piles of wizard gold buried miles beneath them? Were there really shops that sold spell books and broomsticks? Might this not all be some huge joke that the Dursleys had cooked up? If Harry hadn't known that the Dursleys had no sense of humor, he might have thought so; yet somehow, even though everything Hagrid had told him so far was unbelievable, Harry couldn't help trusting him.**

"Hagrid is trustworthy" said James proudly, as he quite enjoyed Hagrid's company himself. "Even Dumbledore thinks so."

"Yes" said Remus quietly, suddenly feeling something dark flicker within his chest again as his head gave a vicious throb, as to remind him of what he was. "But Dumbledore trusts everyone. Even people no one else would ever trust."

"Don't start that again, Moony" Sirius huffed, gaining them all a curious look from Lily.

"**This is it," said Hagrid, coming to a halt, "the Leaky Cauldron. It's a famous place."**

**It was a tiny, grubby-looking pub. If Hagrid hadn't pointed it out, Harry wouldn't have noticed it was there. The people hurrying by didn't glance at it. Their eyes slid from the big book shop on one side to the record shop on the other as if they couldn't see the Leaky Cauldron at all. In fact, Harry had the most peculiar feeling that only he and Hagrid could see it. Before he could mention this, Hagrid had steered him inside.**

**For a famous place, it was very dark and shabby. **

"Yeah well, it's not famous for being glamourous, Harry."

**A few old women were sitting in a corner, drinking tiny glasses of sherry. One of them was smoking a long pipe. A little man in a top hat was talking to the old bartender, who was quite bald and looked like a toothless walnut.**

Sirius snorted, interrupting his reading for a moment. "Flattering description, young Prongslet."

**The low buzz of chatter stopped when they walked in. Everyone seemed to know Hagrid; they waved and smiled at him, and the bartender reached for a glass, saying, "The usual, Hagrid?"**

"**Can't, Tom, I'm on Hogwarts business," said Hagrid, clapping his great hand on Harry's shoulder and making Harry's knees buckle.**

"**Good Lord," said the bartender, peering at Harry, "is this — can this be — ?"**

"I'm guessing we're getting our first look at Harry's fame" Remus concluded wisely.

"Awesome!" Sirius cried. "I've always wanted to be famous!"

"Somehow, I think it might be rather annoying for Harry" Lily muttered. "Read, Blackie."

"As long as you never call me that again."

**The Leaky Cauldron had suddenly gone completely still and silent.**

"**Bless my soul," whispered the old bartender, "Harry Potter . . . what an honor."**

**He hurried out from behind the bar, rushed toward Harry and seized his hand, tears in his eyes.**

"**Welcome back, Mr. Potter, welcome back."**

**Harry didn't know what to say. Everyone was looking at him. The old woman with the pipe was puffing on it without realizing it had gone out. Hagrid was beaming.**

**Then there was a great scraping of chairs and the next moment, Harry found himself shaking hands with everyone in the Leaky Cauldron.**

Lily huffed. "Okay, definitely annoying."

"**Doris Crockford, Mr. Potter, can't believe I'm meeting you at last."**

"**So proud, Mr. Potter, I'm just so proud."**

"**Always wanted to shake your hand — I'm all of a flutter."**

"**Delighted, Mr. Potter, just can't tell you, Diggle's the name, Dedalus Diggle."**

"**I've seen you before!" said Harry, as Dedalus Diggle's top hat fell off in his excitement. "You bowed to me once in a shop."**

"**He remembers!" cried Dedalus Diggle, looking around at everyone. "Did you hear that? He remembers me!"**

"Yeah, well, he doesn't remember _me_" James said quietly, which immediately put a damper on the mood in the room. "Er, sorry. Dead-daddy bitterness, ignore me."

"We'll change it, James" Sirius vowed, and for once, he looked completely serious, almost fierce.

**Harry shook hands again and again — Doris Crockford kept coming back for more. A pale young man made his way forward, very nervously. One of his eyes was twitching.**

"**Professor Quirrell!" said Hagrid. "Harry, Professor Quirrell will be one of your teachers at Hogwarts."**

"Oh!" Lily said. "Must be the new Defense teacher then, I've never heard of him before."

"**P-P-Potter," stammered Professor Quirrell, grasping Harry's hand, "c-can't t-tell you how p-pleased I am to meet you."**

"**What sort of magic do you teach, Professor Quirrell?"**

"**D-Defense Against the D-D-Dark Arts," muttered Professor Quirrell, as though he'd rather not think about it. "N-not that you n-need it, eh, P-P-Potter?" He laughed nervously. "You'll be g-getting all your equipment, I suppose? I've g-got to p-pick up a new b-book on vampires, m-myself." He looked terrified at the very thought.**

"Mm, I love the look of a courageous teacher who can teach them all to be brave in the face of danger." James' voice was heavy with sarcasm.

"Doesn't sound like a very good role model to me" Lily agreed with a sort of motherly concern, ignoring the fact that James nearly fell off his seat at hearing her actually _agree_ with him. Sirius, Remus and Peter rolled their eyes in perfect unison – a well-practised move due to near-constant repetition some days.

**But the others wouldn't let Professor Quirrell keep Harry to himself. It took almost ten minutes to get away from them all. At last, Hagrid managed to make himself heard over the babble.**

"**Must get on — lots ter buy. Come on, Harry."**

**Doris Crockford shook Harry's hand one last time, and Hagrid led them through the bar and out into a small, walled courtyard, where there was nothing but a trash can and a few weeds. **

**Hagrid grinned at Harry.**

"**Told yeh, didn't I? Told yeh you was famous. Even Professor Quirrell was tremblin' ter meet yeh — mind you, he's usually tremblin'."**

"**Is he always that nervous?"**

"**Oh, yeah. Poor bloke. Brilliant mind. He was fine while he was studyin' outta books but then he took a year off ter get some firsthand experience. . . . They say he met vampires in the Black Forest, and there was a nasty bit o' trouble with a hag — never been the same since. Scared of the students, scared of his own subject — now, where's me umbrella?"**

Peter made his presence known then.

"What's with the umbrella?" he asked. "I don't get it."

"We've visited Hagrid a thousand times" Sirius said irritatedly. "Where've you been during all those times, having not seen his umbrella before?"

"Shut up, Sirius" James said offhandedly. "Pete, I think he's got his old wand in there, he does magic with it even though he's not supposed to. Er, please don't report that, Lily."

"Of course not" she said, offended. "Not if he's helping my son in the future!"

"Er… yes."

**Vampires? Hags? Harry's head was swimming. Hagrid, meanwhile, was counting bricks in the wall above the trash can.**

"**Three up . . . two across . . ." he muttered. "Right, stand back, Harry."**

**He tapped the wall three times with the point of his umbrella. The brick he had touched quivered — it wriggled — in the middle, a small hole appeared — it grew wider and wider — a second later they were facing an archway large enough even for Hagrid, an archway onto a cobbled street that twisted and turned out of sight.**

"**Welcome," said Hagrid, "to Diagon Alley."**

**He grinned at Harry's amazement. They stepped through the archway. Harry looked quickly over his shoulder and saw the archway shrink instantly back into solid wall.**

"Diagon Alley is awesome the first time you see it" Remus smiled. "I couldn't believe my eyes."

"I thought you were a half-blood, Remus?" Lily asked, confused. "Wouldn't you have been there before or at least seen that kind of stuff before?"

He squirmed a bit, uncomfortable.

"Er, my mother's a muggle, yes" he said. "We, er, lived pretty muggle before I turned eleven. Dad did some spells of course, and I did my accidental magic, but I'd never seen so _much_ magic in one place."

"_I_ grew up all magic though, and we were in Diagon Alley _all_ the time" said James obnoxiously, in a rather loud voice. This gained him a scowl from Lily, but she did not miss the nervous glance he gave his tawny-haired friend. They were hiding something, she just _knew_ it. But seeing this, she started to question how much of James' insufferable behaviour was due to his own character and how much was done to keep the attention of Remus and his secrets.

**The sun shone brightly on a stack of cauldrons outside the nearest shop. **_**Cauldrons — All Sizes — Copper, Brass, Pewter, Silver — Self-Stirring — Collapsible**_**, said a sign hanging over them.**

"**Yeah, you'll be needin' one," said Hagrid, "but we gotta get yer money first."**

**Harry wished he had about eight more eyes. He turned his head in every direction as they walked up the street, trying to look at everything at once: the shops, the things outside them, the people doing their shopping. A plump woman outside an Apothecary was shaking her head as they passed, saying, "Dragon liver, sixteen Sickles an ounce, they're mad…"**

"That _is_ rather expensive."

"What do you know about the price of dragon liver, Black?"

"I love it, didn't you know, Evans?" Sirius answered sarcastically. "I eat it with broccoli and fried flobberworms."

"That'll explain your bad breath then."

**A low, soft hooting came from a dark shop with a sign saying **_**Eeylops Owl Emporium**__**— Tawny, Screech, Barn, Brown, and Snowy**_**. **

**Several boys of about Harry's age had their noses pressed against a window with broomsticks in it. "Look," Harry heard one of them say, "the new Nimbus Two Thousand — fastest ever —"**

James' eyes were wide and innocent. "I want one. Nownownownow… please?"

"No" said Remus flatly. "It's not invented yet, genius."

**There were shops selling robes, shops selling telescopes and strange silver instruments Harry had never seen before, windows stacked with barrels of bat spleens and eels' eyes, tottering piles of spell books, quills, and rolls of parchment, potion bottles, globes of the moon. . . .**

"**Gringotts," said Hagrid.**

**They had reached a snowy white building that towered over the other little shops. Standing beside its burnished bronze doors, wearing a uniform of scarlet and gold, was —**

"**Yeah, that's a goblin," said Hagrid quietly as they walked up the white stone steps toward him. The goblin was about a head shorter than Harry. He had a swarthy, clever face, a pointed beard and, Harry noticed, very long fingers and feet. He bowed as they walked inside. Now they were facing a second pair of doors, silver this time, with words engraved upon them:**

_**Enter, stranger, but take heed**_

_**Of what awaits the sin of greed,**_

_**For those who take, but do not earn,**_

_**Must pay most dearly in their turn.**_

_**So if you seek beneath our floors**_

_**A treasure that was never yours,**_

_**Thief, you have been warned, beware**_

_**Of finding more than treasure there.**_

"That poem is sort of creepy" Lily muttered.

"But effective" James said, grinning madly when she didn't launch a pillow, book or ink bottle at his face. "I mean, you don't feel very inclined to go rob them right now, do you?"

"Considering I've never felt very inclined to do that…" She raised an eyebrow.

"Yes but if you had!" Sirius '_Best Friend Ever!_' Black to the rescue. Remus rubbed his temples, but smiled vaguely at the look of bliss on James' face when he realized he wasn't going to be hexed. Remus wasn't sure how many times he'd wondered why he continued to hang out with them all, considering all of their stupid little quirks, but he always came to the conclusion that he simply liked them too much to ditch them. Also, they were entertaining.

"**Like I said, yeh'd be mad ter try an' rob it," said Hagrid.**

**A pair of goblins bowed them through the silver doors and they were in a vast marble hall. About a hundred more goblins were sitting on high stools behind a long counter, scribbling in large ledgers, weighing coins in brass scales, examining precious stones through eyeglasses. There were too many doors to count leading off the hall, and yet more goblins were showing people in and out of these. Hagrid and Harry made for the counter.**

"**Morning," said Hagrid to a free goblin. "We've come ter take some money outta Mr. Harry Potter's safe."**

"**You have his key, sir?"**

"**Got it here somewhere," said Hagrid, and he started emptying his pockets onto the counter, scattering a handful of moldy dog biscuits over the goblins book of numbers. The goblin wrinkled his nose. Harry watched the goblin on their right weighing a pile of rubies as big as glowing coals.**

"**Got it," said Hagrid at last, holding up a tiny golden key. The goblin looked at it closely.**

"**That seems to be in order."**

"**An' I've also got a letter here from Professor Dumbledore," said Hagrid importantly, throwing out his chest. "It's about the You-Know-What in vault seven hundred and thirteen."**

Sirius waggled his eyebrows, looking like he was having some sort of seizure. "Now _that_ sounds interesting!"

**The goblin read the letter carefully.**

"**Very well," he said, handing it back to Hagrid, "I will have someone take you down to both vaults. Griphook!"**

**Griphook was yet another goblin. Once Hagrid had crammed all the dog biscuits back inside his pockets, he and Harry followed Griphook toward one of the doors leading off the hall.**

"**What's the You-Know-What in vault seven hundred and thirteen?" Harry asked.**

"Does he really think Hagrid will tell him?" Sirius snorted.

"Can't hurt asking, can it?"

"**Can't tell yeh that," said Hagrid mysteriously. "Very secret. Hogwarts business. Dumbledore's trusted me. More'n my job's worth ter tell yeh that."**

Remus scowled slightly, but could not keep the fond smile on his face. "If Harry's anything like his father, he'll figure it out anyway."

"Damn right he will!" James said, throwing out his chest in obvious pride. Peter looked at him, ever impressed. Sirius just snorted.

**Griphook held the door open for them. Harry, who had expected more marble, was surprised. They were in a narrow stone passageway lit with flaming torches. It sloped steeply downward and there were little railway tracks on the floor. Griphook whistled and a small cart came hurtling up the tracks toward them. They climbed in – Hagrid with some difficulty — and were off.**

**At first they just hurtled through a maze of twisting passages. Harry tried to remember, left, right, right, left, middle fork, right, left, but it was impossible. **

"No use even trying, Prongslet."

"Are you going to keep calling him that, Padfoot?"

**The rattling cart seemed to know its own way, because Griphook wasn't steering.**

**Harry's eyes stung as the cold air rushed past them, but he kept them wide open. Once, he thought he saw a burst of fire at the end of a passage and twisted around to see if it was a dragon, but too late — they plunged even deeper, passing an underground lake where huge stalactites and stalagmites grew from the ceiling and floor.**

"**I never know," Harry called to Hagrid over the noise of the cart, "what's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?"**

"**Stalagmite's got an 'm' in it," said Hagrid. "An' don' ask me questions just now, I think I'm gonna be sick."**

Remus opened his mouth, perhaps to explain the exact difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite, but he was silenced by a pillow to the face, courtesy of James.

"Poor Hagrid" Lily cooed, giggling at the look on her fellow prefect's face.

**He did look very green, and when the cart stopped at last beside a small door in the passage wall, Hagrid got out and had to lean against the wall to stop his knees from trembling.**

**Griphook unlocked the door. A lot of green smoke came billowing out, and as it cleared, Harry gasped. Inside were mounds of gold coins. Columns of silver. Heaps of little bronze Knuts.**

"You really are that rich, Potter?" asked Lily, sounding impressed against her will. James nodded, blushing a little.

"Yeah" he stammered, "but it's mostly because I'm an only child so I inherit all the family fortune. Old pureblood families, you know."

"The Potters are almost as rich as the Blacks" said Sirius, obviously eager to make her realize what a catch James would be, if at least to make the damn stag finally shut up about his unrequited love for her. Remus wholly supported the cause.

"Does that mean you're filthy rich too?" Lily asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I got money from my Uncle Alphard when he died" he shrugged, a bit uncomfortable with the subject. "Otherwise I'd be broke, since I was disinherited and all."

"**All yours," smiled Hagrid.**

**All Harry's — it was incredible. The Dursleys couldn't have known about this or they'd have had it from him faster than blinking.**

**How often had they complained how much Harry cost them**

**to keep? And all the time there had been a small fortune belonging to him, buried deep under London. Hagrid helped Harry pile some of it into a bag.**

"**The gold ones are Galleons," he explained. "Seventeen silver Sickles to a Galleon and twenty-nine Knuts to a Sickle, it's easy enough. **

Lily frowned. "It isn't that easy" she said. "In the muggle world, the system is a bit more logical. A pound is one hundred pence."

"Logical?" Sirius huffed. "That's just weird!"

**Right, that should be enough fer a couple o' terms, we'll keep the rest safe for yeh." He turned to Griphook. "Vault seven hundred and thirteen now, please, and can we go more slowly?"**

"**One speed only," said Griphook.**

"One _amazing_ speed!" James grinned. "I love the Gringotts carts."

"I don't like them" Peter said, his round face scrunching up in a scowl. "I always get sick whenever I have to go on them."

**They were going even deeper now and gathering speed. The air became colder and colder as they hurtled round tight corners. They went rattling over an underground ravine, and Harry leaned over the side to try to see what was down at the dark bottom, but Hagrid groaned and pulled him back by the scruff of his neck.**

"Thank God" Lily breathed, looking rather horrified. "He could have fallen off!"

**Vault seven hundred and thirteen had no keyhole.**

"**Stand back," said Griphook importantly. He stroked the door gently with one of his long fingers and it simply melted away.**

"**If anyone but a Gringotts goblin tried that, they'd be sucked through the door and trapped in there," said Griphook.**

"**How often do you check to see if anyone's inside?" Harry asked.**

"**About once every ten years," said Griphook with a rather nasty grin.**

Lily huffed. "That's nice of them."

**Something really extraordinary had to be inside this top security vault, Harry was sure, and he leaned forward eagerly, expecting to see fabulous jewels at the very least — but at first he thought it was empty. Then he noticed a grubby little package wrapped up in brown paper lying on the floor. Hagrid picked it up and tucked it deep inside his coat. Harry longed to know what it was, but knew better than to ask.**

"What could it be?" Peter asked, watery eyes wide. "It must be valuable if they have it in a super-special vault and all that!"

"I'm guessing it's the Sorcerer's Stone, as it's the title of the book" Remus said.

"**Come on, back in this infernal cart, and don't talk to me on the way back, its best if I keep me mouth shut," said Hagrid.**

"Good idea, Hagrid" Peter murmured, looking vaguely green.

**One wild cart ride later they stood blinking in the sunlight outside Gringotts. Harry didn't know where to run first now that he had a bag full of money. He didn't have to know how many Galleons there were to a pound to know that he was holding more money than he'd had in his whole life — more money than even Dudley had ever had.**

"**Might as well get yer uniform," said Hagrid, nodding toward Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions. "Listen, Harry, would yeh mind if I slipped off fer a pick-me-up in the Leaky Cauldron? I hate them Gringotts carts." He did still look a bit sick, so Harry entered Madam Malkin's shop alone, feeling nervous.**

**Madam Malkin was a squat, smiling witch dressed all in**

**mauve.**

"**Hogwarts, dear?" she said, when Harry started to speak. "Got the lot here — another young man being fitted up just now, in fact."**

"Oh!" Lily said, beaming. "Maybe he can make a friend already!"

**In the back of the shop, a boy with a pale, pointed face was standing on a footstool while a second witch pinned up his long black robes. Madam Malkin stood Harry on a stool next to him, slipped a long robe over his head, and began to pin it to the right length.**

"**Hello," said the boy, "Hogwarts, too?"**

"**Yes," said Harry.**

"**My father's next door buying my books and mother's up the street looking at wands," said the boy. He had a bored, drawling voice. "Then I'm going to drag them off to look at racing brooms. I don't see why first years can't have their own. I think I'll bully father into getting me one and I'll smuggle it in somehow."**

"Er, maybe not" Lily said, looking rather horrified at the manners of the boy. "He seems awful."

"Snobby pureblood to be sure" Sirius muttered. "Sounds like a Malfoy by the description."

"Not to mention, why would his mother be looking at wands?" Remus raised an eyebrow. "Does she not have her own? If she's looking at one for her son there's no use as you need him there to get it right."

"Snobby, _stupid_ purebloods" Sirius corrected himself.

**Harry was strongly reminded of Dudley.**

"**Have you got your own broom?" the boy went on.**

"**No," said Harry.**

"**Play Quidditch at all?"**

"**No," Harry said again, wondering what on earth Quidditch could be.**

James gasped in horror, but was shut up at a glare from Lily's direction.

"**I do — Father says it's a crime if I'm not picked to play for my House, and I must say, I agree. Know what House you'll be in yet?"**

"**No," said Harry, feeling more stupid by the minute.**

"**Well, no one really knows until they get there, do they, but I know I'll be in Slytherin, all our family have been — imagine being in Hufflepuff, I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"**

"I'm sure they would be rather _happy_ if you left, you little brat."

"**Mmm," said Harry, wishing he could say something a bit more interesting.**

"**I say, look at that man!" said the boy suddenly, nodding toward the front window. Hagrid was standing there, grinning at Harry and pointing at two large ice creams to show he couldn't come in.**

"**That's Hagrid," said Harry, pleased to know something the boy didn't. "He works at Hogwarts."**

"**Oh," said the boy, "I've heard of him. He's a sort of servant, isn't he?"**

"**He's the gamekeeper," said Harry. He was liking the boy less and less every second.**

"Good instincts, my boy" James said in what probably was supposed to sound like a fatherly tone but came out rather pompous. Lily stiftled her giggle.

"**Yes, exactly. I heard he's a sort of savage — lives in a hut on the school grounds and every now and then he gets drunk, tries to do magic, and ends up setting fire to his bed."**

"No, he doesn't!" Remus protested.

"**I think he's brilliant," said Harry coldly.**

"**Do you?" said the boy, with a slight sneer. "Why is he with you? Where are your parents?"**

"**They're dead," said Harry shortly. He didn't feel much like going into the matter with this boy.**

"**Oh, sorry," said the other, not sounding sorry at all. "But they were our kind, weren't they?"**

"**They were a witch and wizard, if that's what you mean."**

"Prejudiced pureblood bastard" Sirius grumbled.

"**I really don't think they should let the other sort in, do you? They're just not the same, they've never been brought up to know our ways. Some of them have never even heard of Hogwarts until they get the letter, imagine. I think they should keep it in the old wizarding families. What's your surname, anyway?"**

**But before Harry could answer, Madam Malkin said, "That's you done, my dear," and Harry, not sorry for an excuse to stop talking to the boy, hopped down from the footstool.**

"**Well, I'll see you at Hogwarts, I suppose," said the drawling boy.**

Lily frowned. "I'd rather prefer he didn't."

**Harry was rather quiet as he ate the ice cream Hagrid had bought him (chocolate and raspberry with chopped nuts).**

"**What's up?" said Hagrid.**

"**Nothing," Harry lied. They stopped to buy parchment and quills. Harry cheered up a bit when he found a bottle of ink that changed color as you wrote. When they had left the shop, he said, "Hagrid, what's Quidditch?"**

"**Blimey, Harry, I keep forgettin' how little yeh know — not knowin' about Quidditch!"**

"Indeed!" said James, eyes wide. "If I was alive he would know _everything_ about Quidditch!"

"I don't doubt it" said Lily dryly.

"**Don't make me feel worse," said Harry. He told Hagrid about the pale boy in Madam Malkin's.**

"— **and he said people from Muggle families shouldn't even be allowed in —"**

"**Yer not from a Muggle family. If he'd known who yeh were — he's grown up knowin' yer name if his parents are wizardin' folk. You saw what everyone in the Leaky Cauldron was like when they saw yeh. Anyway, what does he know about it, some o' the best I ever saw were the only ones with magic in 'em in a long line o' Muggles — look at yer mum! Look what she had fer a sister!"**

Lily blushed slightly at the praise.

"**So what is Quidditch?"**

"**It's our sport. Wizard sport. It's like — like soccer in the Muggle world — everyone follows Quidditch — played up in the air on broomsticks and there's four balls — sorta hard ter explain the rules."**

"**And what are Slytherin and Hufflepuff?"**

"**School Houses. There's four. Everyone says Hufflepuff are a lot o' duffers, but —"**

"They're not!" Remus huffed.

"**I bet I'm in Hufflepuff," said Harry gloomily.**

"**Better Hufflepuff than Slytherin," said Hagrid darkly. "There's not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn't in Slytherin. You-Know-Who was one."**

"**Vol-, sorry — You-Know-Who was at Hogwarts?"**

"**Years an' years ago," said Hagrid.**

**They bought Harry's school books in a shop called Flourish and Blotts where the shelves were stacked to the ceiling with books as large as paving stones bound in leather; books the size of postage stamps in covers of silk; books full of peculiar symbols and a few books with nothing in them at all. Even Dudley, who never read anything, would have been wild to get his hands on some of these.**

**Hagrid almost had to drag Harry away from **_**Curses and Countercurses (Bewitch Your Friends and Befuddle Your Enemies with the Latest Revenges: Hair Loss, Jelly-Legs, Tongue-Tying and Much, Much More)**_** by Professor Vindictus Viridian.**

"A Marauder in the making if I ever saw one!" cried James, swelling with fatherly pride. Lily rolled her eyes.

"The world is coming to an end, in other words" she said.

"**I was trying to find out how to curse Dudley."**

"**I'm not sayin' that's not a good idea, but yer not ter use magic in the Muggle world except in very special circumstances," said Hagrid. "An' anyway, yeh couldn' work any of them curses yet, yeh'll need a lot more study before yeh get ter that level."**

**Hagrid wouldn't let Harry buy a solid gold cauldron, either **

"Aww, don't be a spoilsport, Hagrid!" cried Sirius.

"Actually, a gold cauldron is used only for certain potions" said Lily knowledgeably. "It'd mess with the potions he'll be doing at school."

"I never knew that" Remus said, impressed.

"Well, you're, er, not very good in potions" Lily said apologetically. "I mean…"

"No need to sugarcoat it" Remus chuckled. "I suck, I know."

**("It says pewter on yer list"), but they got a nice set of scales for weighing potion ingredients and a collapsible brass telescope. Then they visited the Apothecary, which was fascinating enough to make up for its horrible smell, a mixture of bad eggs and rotted cabbages.**

**Barrels of slimy stuff stood on the floor; jars of herbs, dried roots, and bright powders lined the walls; bundles of feathers, strings of fangs, and snarled claws hung from the ceiling. While Hagrid asked the man behind the counter for a supply of some basic potion ingredients for Harry, Harry himself examined silver unicorn horns at twenty-one Galleons each and minuscule, glittery-black beetle eyes (five Knuts a scoop).**

"It must be really boring to work with taking out the beetle eyes from the beetles" said Peter randomly.

Sirius snorted. "You think about the strangest things, Wormtail."

"At least he thinks at all" Remus muttered.

**Outside the Apothecary, Hagrid checked Harry's list again.**

"**Just yer wand left — oh yeah, an' I still haven't got yeh a birthday present."**

**Harry felt himself go red.**

"**You don't have to —"**

"**I know I don't have to. Tell yeh what, I'll get yer animal. Not a toad, toads went outta fashion years ago, yeh'd be laughed at — an' I don' like cats, they make me sneeze. I'll get yer an owl. All the kids want owls, they're dead useful, carry yer mail an' everythin'."**

**Twenty minutes later, they left Eeylops Owl Emporium, which had been dark and full of rustling and flickering, jewel-bright eyes.**

**Harry now carried a large cage that held a beautiful snowy owl, fast asleep with her head under her wing. He couldn't stop stammering his thanks, sounding just like Professor Quirrell.**

"Aww" Lily cooed. "He's all bashful and sweet, my little boy." James was giving her his usual misty-eyed look, but she didn't even notice. Remus did, though, and he rolled his eyes. Again.

"**Don' mention it," said Hagrid gruffly. "Don' expect you've had a lotta presents from them Dursleys. Just Ollivanders left now — only place fer wands, Ollivanders, and yeh gotta have the best wand."**

**A magic wand . . . this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.**

"Everyone does" Sirius said.

**The last shop was narrow and shabby. Peeling gold letters over the door read **_**Ollivanders: Makers of Fine Wands since 382 b.c.**_** A single wand lay on a faded purple cushion in the dusty window. **

"He sure doesn't work a lot on changing his décor" Lily said. "He hasn't changed it yet, by the sound of it."

"He doesn't need to" said Sirius, sounding unusually sober to be him. "Everyone knows who he is and how good his wands are."

**A tinkling bell rang somewhere in the depths of the shop as they stepped inside. It was a tiny place, empty except for a single, spindly chair that Hagrid sat on to wait. Harry felt strangely as though he had entered a very strict library; he swallowed a lot of new questions that had just occurred to him and looked instead at the thousands of narrow boxes piled neatly right up to the ceiling.**

**For some reason, the back of his neck prickled. The very dust and silence in here seemed to tingle with some secret magic.**

"That's some impressive instincts" Remus said, raising his eyebrows.

"Not odd, considering who his father is" said James proudly. Lily giggled, a most unusual response to his antics.

"If you had any instincts, Potter, you would've been able to dodge the things I throw at you."

"**Good afternoon," said a soft voice. Harry jumped. Hagrid must have jumped, too, because there was a loud crunching noise and he got quickly off the spindly chair.**

**An old man was standing before them, his wide, pale eyes shining like moons through the gloom of the shop.**

"**Hello," said Harry awkwardly.**

"**Ah yes," said the man. "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wand. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wand for charm work."**

Lily flushed. "How on Earth does he remember all that?"

**Mr. Ollivander moved closer to Harry. Harry wished he would blink. Those silvery eyes were a bit creepy.**

"**Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wand. Eleven inches. Pliable. A little more power and excellent for transfiguration. Well, I say your father favored it — it's really the wand that chooses the wizard, of course."**

**Mr. Ollivander had come so close that he and Harry were almost nose to nose. Harry could see himself reflected in those misty eyes.**

"**And that's where . . ."**

**Mr. Ollivander touched the lightning scar on Harry's forehead with a long, white finger.**

"**I'm sorry to say I sold the wand that did it," he said softly. "Thirteen-and-a-half inches. Yew. Powerful wand, very powerful, and in the wrong hands . . . well, if I'd known what that wand was going out into the world to do. . . ."**

"Did he have to mention that?" Lily shuddered.

**He shook his head and then, to Harry's relief, spotted Hagrid.**

"**Rubeus! Rubeus Hagrid! How nice to see you again. . . . Oak, sixteen inches, rather bendy, wasn't it?"**

"**It was, sir, yes," said Hagrid.**

"**Good wand, that one. But I suppose they snapped it in half when you got expelled?" said Mr. Ollivander, suddenly stern.**

"**Er — yes, they did, yes," said Hagrid, shuffling his feet. "I've still got the pieces, though," he added brightly.**

"**But you don't use them?" said Mr. Ollivander sharply.**

"**Oh, no, sir," said Hagrid quickly. Harry noticed he gripped his pink umbrella very tightly as he spoke.**

"Oh no, he sure doesn't!"

"**Hmmm," said Mr. Ollivander, giving Hagrid a piercing look. "Well, now — Mr. Potter. Let me see." He pulled a long tape measure with silver markings out of his pocket. "Which is your wand arm?"**

"**Er — well, I'm right-handed," said Harry.**

"**Hold out your arm. That's it." He measured Harry from shoulder to finger, then wrist to elbow, shoulder to floor, knee to armpit and round his head. As he measured, he said, "Every Ollivander wand has a core of a powerful magical substance, Mr. Potter. We use unicorn hairs, phoenix tail feathers, and the heartstrings of dragons. No two Ollivander wands are the same, just as no two unicorns, dragons, or phoenixes are quite the same. And of course, you will never get such good results with another wizard's wand."**

**Harry suddenly realized that the tape measure, which was measuring between his nostrils, was doing this on its own. Mr. Ollivander was flitting around the shelves, taking down boxes.**

"**That will do," he said, and the tape measure crumpled into a heap on the floor. "Right then, Mr. Potter. Try this one. Beechwood and dragon heartstring. Nine inches. Nice and flexible. Just take it and give it a wave."**

Remus curled up tighter around the pillow he was balancing on his lap. "This is rather exciting. I wonder what his wand'll be?"

"It's not _that_ exciting" Sirius snorted.

"Shut up, Padfoot!" James protested. "It's my son's _wand_, of course it's exciting! Read!"

**Harry took the wand and (feeling foolish) waved it around a bit, but Mr. Ollivander snatched it out of his hand almost at once.**

"**Maple and phoenix feather. Seven inches. Quite whippy. Try —" **

**Harry tried — but he had hardly raised the wand when it, too, was snatched back by Mr. Ollivander.**

"**No, no — here, ebony and unicorn hair, eight and a half inches, springy. Go on, go on, try it out."**

**Harry tried. And tried. He had no idea what Mr. Ollivander was waiting for. The pile of tried wands was mounting higher and higher on the spindly chair, but the more wands Mr. Ollivander pulled from the shelves, the happier he seemed to become.**

"Of course he was" Sirius said. "He loves a challenge."

"**Tricky customer, eh? Not to worry, we'll find the perfect match here somewhere — I wonder, now — yes, why not — unusual combination — holly and phoenix feather, eleven inches, nice and supple."**

**Harry took the wand. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers.**

"It's the one!" James cried.

**He raised the wand above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls. Hagrid whooped and clapped and Mr. Ollivander cried, "Oh, bravo! Yes, indeed, oh, very good. Well, well, well . . . how curious . . . how very curious . . ."**

**He put Harry's wand back into its box and wrapped it in brown paper, still muttering, "Curious . . . curious . . ."**

"What?" Lily snapped. "Just tell him what's so bloody curious!"

"**Sorry," said Harry, "but what's curious?"**

**Mr. Ollivander fixed Harry with his pale stare.**

"**I remember every wand I've ever sold, Mr. Potter. Every single wand. It so happens that the phoenix whose tail feather is in your wand, gave another feather — just one other. It is very curious indeed that you should be destined for this wand when its brother — why, its brother gave you that scar."**

The room was very quiet for a moment, shock visible in every face, except Peter's, for he was stuffing his mouth with liquorice wands.

"It must be a coincidence" said James at last, sounding rather meek. "A scary one, but just a coincidence."

**Harry swallowed.**

"**Yes, thirteen-and-a-half inches. Yew. Curious indeed how these things happen. The wand chooses the wizard, remember. . . . I think we must expect great things from you, Mr. Potter. . . . After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things — terrible, yes, but great."**

**Harry shivered. He wasn't sure he liked Mr. Ollivander too much. He paid seven gold Galleons for his wand, and Mr. Ollivander bowed them from his shop.**

**The late afternoon sun hung low in the sky as Harry and Hagrid made their way back down Diagon Alley, back through the wall, back through the Leaky Cauldron, now empty Harry didn't speak at all as they walked down the road; he didn't even notice how much people were gawking at them on the Underground, laden as they were with all their funny-shaped packages, with the snowy owl asleep in its cage on Harry's lap. Up another escalator, out into Paddington station; Harry only realized where they were when Hagrid tapped him on the shoulder.**

"**Got time fer a bite to eat before yer train leaves," he said.**

**He bought Harry a hamburger and they sat down on plastic seats to eat them. Harry kept looking around. Everything looked so strange, somehow.**

"**You all right, Harry? Yer very quiet," said Hagrid.**

**Harry wasn't sure he could explain. He'd just had the best birthday of his life — and yet — he chewed his hamburger, trying to find the words.**

"**Everyone thinks I'm special," he said at last. "All those people in the Leaky Cauldron, Professor Quirrell, Mr. Ollivander . . . but I don't know anything about magic at all. How can they expect great things? I'm famous and I can't even remember what I'm famous for. I don't know what happened when Vol-, sorry — I mean, the night my parents died."**

"Oh Harry" Lily sighed softly.

**Hagrid leaned across the table. Behind the wild beard and eyebrows he wore a very kind smile.**

"**Don' you worry, Harry. You'll learn fast enough. Everyone starts at the beginning at Hogwarts, you'll be just fine. Just be yerself. I know it's hard. Yeh've been singled out, an' that's always hard. But yeh'll have a great time at Hogwarts — I did — still do, 'smatter of fact."**

"Remind me to give Hagrid a gift for that" James said.

**Hagrid helped Harry on to the train that would take him back to the Dursleys, then handed him an envelope.**

"**Yer ticket fer Hogwarts," he said. "First o' September — King's Cross — it's all on yer ticket. Any problems with the Dursleys, send me a letter with yer owl, she'll know where to find me. . . . See yeh soon, Harry."**

**The train pulled out of the station. Harry wanted to watch Hagrid until he was out of sight; he rose in his seat and pressed his nose against the window, but he blinked and Hagrid had gone.**

"That's the end of the chapter" said Sirius. "Who'll read next? Moony, are you alright?"

Remus, who had been rubbing his temples again, looked up.

"Er, I'm fine" he stammered, a bit embarrassed. "I think I'm coming down with something again, that's all. Got a bit of a headache."

"You must have the worst immune system ever, Remus" Lily observed with concern. "You're sick almost every month, aren't you?"

Remus fidgeted with his sleeves. The subject was a bit too close for comfort.

"Yeah" he said. "Er, I can read. We've all read once, let's just keep this order."

He took the book from Sirius, who gave him a shrewd look, which he answered with a scowl.

"This chapter is called 'The Journey from Platform Nine and Three Quarters'" he announced.


	7. A Journey We All Know

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: Double update, yay! Here's the second chapter I've written today. Like the last one, it isn't very much proofread, but I think we'll survive. On Monday, school starts for me again, so probably my updates will go even slower than usual… but I'll do my best ;) As I said earlier, please review!_

_DISCLAIMER: Not miiiiiiiine. Everything in bold is J.K. Rowling's amazing work. The one in plain writing is my own crap._

**-CHAPTER SEVEN-**

**-A Journey We All Know-**

Remus cleared his throat, leaning the book on his knees with the ease of an avid reader. Sirius rolled his eyes, getting a glare in reply.

**Harry's last month with the Dursleys wasn't fun. True, Dudley was now so scared of Harry he wouldn't stay in the same room, while Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon didn't shut Harry in his cupboard, force him to do anything, or shout at him — in fact, they didn't speak to him at all. Half terrified, half furious, they acted as though any chair with Harry in it were empty. Although this was an improvement in many ways, it did become a bit depressing after a while.**

"I would think so" Lily growled. "I'll _kill_ Petunia."

**Harry kept to his room, with his new owl for company. He had decided to call her Hedwig, a name he had found in A History of Magic. His school books were very interesting.**

"Are we sure this is Prongs' kid?" Sirius asked in mock horror.

"Well, he's bound to have Lily's genes _somewhere_" Remus shrugged, smiling. "I for one am quite happy with his interest. He's bound to be smart."

"Of course he is!" James stated. "He's my son!"

"He's probably smart because he's _my_ son" Lily smirked.

**He lay on his bed reading late into the night, Hedwig swooping in and out of the open window as she pleased. It was lucky that Aunt Petunia didn't come in to vacuum anymore, because Hedwig kept bringing back dead mice. Every night before he went to sleep, Harry ticked off another day on the piece of paper he had pinned to the wall, counting down to September the first.**

**On the last day of August he thought he'd better speak to his aunt and uncle about getting to King's Cross station the next day, so he went down to the living room where they were watching a quiz show on television. He cleared his throat to let them know he was there, and Dudley screamed and ran from the room. **

James grinned. "How welcoming."

"**Er — Uncle Vernon?"**

**Uncle Vernon grunted to show he was listening.**

"**Er — I need to be at King's Cross tomorrow to — to go to Hogwarts."**

**Uncle Vernon grunted again.**

"Reinforcing his pig image, I see."

"Remus! I didn't know you had it in you!"

"Shut up, Sirius."

"**Would it be all right if you gave me a lift?"**

**Grunt. Harry supposed that meant yes.**

"**Thank you."**

**He was about to go back upstairs when Uncle Vernon actually spoke.**

"**Funny way to get to a wizards' school, the train. Magic carpets all got punctures, have they?"**

"Oh, very witty" Lily said acidly. "He fits so well with my sister; they're a match made in heaven, truly."

**Harry didn't say anything.**

"**Where is this school, anyway?"**

"**I don't know," said Harry, realizing this for the first time. He pulled the ticket Hagrid had given him out of his pocket. "I just take the train from platform nine and three-quarters at eleven o'clock," he read.**

**His aunt and uncle stared.**

"**Platform what?"**

"**Nine and three-quarters."**

"**Don't talk rubbish," said Uncle Vernon. "There is no platform nine and three-quarters."**

"**Its on my ticket."**

"**Barking," said Uncle Vernon, "howling mad, the lot of them. You'll see. You just wait. All right, we'll take you to King's Cross. We're going up to London tomorrow anyway, or I wouldn't bother."**

"**Why are you going to London?" Harry asked, trying to keep things friendly.**

"**Taking Dudley to the hospital," growled Uncle Vernon. "Got to have that ruddy tail removed before he goes to Smeltings."**

Cue evil smirks from all present. Except for Peter; he was coughing, having inhaled a load of dust with the candy he'd found in his pocket a moment ago. Remus had _told_ him not to eat stuff he found in his clothes, seeing as he, like James and Sirius, often left his clothes on the dormitory floor to soak in dust and dirt for a few weeks before using them again, but did he listen? Noooo.

**Harry woke at five o'clock the next morning and was too excited and nervous to go back to sleep. **

"I got the same feeling before my first year" Sirius said, grinning.

"I think we all did, Black."

**He got up and pulled on his jeans because he didn't want to walk into the station in his wizard's robes — he'd change on the train. He checked his Hogwarts list yet again to make sure he had everything he needed, saw that Hedwig was shut safely in her cage, and then paced the room, waiting for the Dursleys to get up. Two hours later, Harry's huge, heavy trunk had been loaded into the Dursleys' car, Aunt Petunia had talked Dudley into sitting next to Harry, and they had set off.**

**They reached King's Cross at half past ten. Uncle Vernon dumped Harry's trunk onto a cart and wheeled it into the station for him. Harry thought this was strangely kind until Uncle Vernon stopped dead, facing the platforms with a nasty grin on his face. **

"**Well, there you are, boy. Platform nine — platform ten. Your platform should be somewhere in the middle, but they don't seem to have built it yet, do they?"**

"Get your horsefaced wife to help him find it then!" Lily snapped, glaring at the book as though it had done her a great personal wrong… which, in fact, it kind of had. "She's been there before!"

**He was quite right, of course. There was a big plastic number nine over one platform and a big plastic number ten over the one next to it, and in the middle, nothing at all.**

"**Have a good term," said Uncle Vernon with an even nastier smile. He left without another word. **

Lily exploded with the force of a bomb, causing every marauder to search for cover.

"YOU BASTARD WALRUS!" she shrieked, waving her wand wildly and causing an explosion to rock the common room. Remus yelped and snatched the book away from harm, dodging the red sparks shooting from Lily's wand. Peter was sobbing in fright, trying to squeeze his roundish frame to fit underneath the couch. James stared wide-eyed from his shelter behind one of the puffy armchairs, and seemed to realize this was not the moment to do some kind of 'soothing wannabe boyfriend maneuver' and put his foot in his mouth. Sirius did the respectable pureblood thing; covering his butt and running away to jump underneath a table.

Werewolf instincts howling at him, Remus made use of some rather astonishing agility, doing a backflip over the back of the couch he was sitting on, and curling up behind it to avoid mortal injury.

"… AND I WILL GET MYSELF A BLUNT AXE FROM THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY AND CHOP IT ALL OFF AND THEN I WILL BARBEQUE IT WITH TEN POUNDS OF CHILI POWDER AND YOU'LL _LIKE_ IT COMPARED TO WHAT I'LL DO TO YOU AFTER THAT! THEN I'LL TAKE A PAIR OF RUSTY SCISSORS AND…"

Every male in the room, which is to say everyone except for Lily herself, shuddered and covered the vital parts of his anatomy. Remus could hear the sizzle of magic through the air even before things exploded. He sat behind the couch, hackles raised, and cradled the poor innocent book in his arms like he would his firstborn son.

"… AND I'LL LISTEN TO YOUR SCREAMING AND _LAUGH_! SO THERE!"

There were several loud PANGS that made Remus' ears protest painfully, and then a flash of blue light across the room, and the sound of something catching fire. Then, for a moment, the room was silent except for Lily's ragged breathing and Peter's small sobs (and the sound of the sofa threatening to topple over from his backside trying to squeeze beneath it).

"Ah" Lily said then, her voice perfectly calm once again. "Remus, sorry for the interruption. Keep reading, pl-… Guys? Hello? Where'd you go?" An 'oomph!' from about floor level. "Oh, sorry, Pettigrew. Did you see where everyone went?"

"We request a cease of fire!" Remus called from his spell shelter, waving his wand as a white flag, although it admittedly wasn't very white.

"What? Oh! Er, sorry. Are you alright?"

Deciding danger was over, the three remaining marauders crept from their hiding places, finding Lily standing in the middle of a somewhat wrecked common room, looking distinctly bewildered. Peter was a fainted lump on the floor by her feet; apparently the shock of suddenly being stepped on had finished him.

"Why'd you hide?" Lily huffed. "I was just angry, it's not like I'm _dangerous_, you cowards."

"I'm sure my favourite armchair over there agrees with you" said Remus, mournfully watching his beloved chair smoulder into the blue flames of Lily's last spell.

To her defense, she looked rather sheepish. "Oops. Sorry, Remus."

Sirius, on the other hand, looked rather impressed, applauding obnoxiously as Remus helped Lily put out his chair and repair it, then move on to repairing the rest of the room with the help of their wands. James was poking Peter with his toe, getting no reaction.

"That was _awesome_!" Sirius shouted over the alarm of the furniture noisily repairing itself. "Moony, I had no idea you were that agile!"

"I'm _very _agile!" Remus huffed, offended.

"Yes, but you did a bloody _backflip_ over the couch!"

"So?"

"So, it was awesome! Great magic, Evans! You'll keep Prongs on his toes!"

Lily turned about the same shade of red as her hair, but looked rather pleased nonetheless. Remus scowled, still miffed about the attack on his agility as they all reclaimed their seats. Peter remained on the floor, a great unconscious lump built out of liquorice wands and bacon.

"Yes, you sure looked impressed as you _covered your butt _and ran away, Sirius dear" Remus muttered. "Am I allowed to keep reading now, or is someone going to try and assassinate the book again?"

**Harry turned and saw the Dursleys drive away. All three of them were laughing.**

Remus read the sentence very slowly, wary for further attacks from Lily. She just scowled at him, blushing furiously and huffing.

**Harry's mouth went rather dry. What on earth was he going to do? He was starting to attract a lot of funny looks, because of Hedwig. He'd have to ask someone.**

**He stopped a passing guard, but didn't dare mention platform nine and three-quarters. The guard had never heard of Hogwarts and when Harry couldn't even tell him what part of the country it was in, he started to get annoyed, as though Harry was being stupid on purpose. Getting desperate, Harry asked for the train that left at eleven o'clock, but the guard said there wasn't one. In the end the guard strode away, muttering about time wasters. Harry was now trying hard not to panic. According to the large clock over the arrivals board, he had ten minutes left to get on the train to Hogwarts and he had no idea how to do it; he was stranded in the middle of a station with a trunk he could hardly lift, a pocket full of wizard money, and a large owl.**

"It doesn't look very good for him" James said anxiously. Lily looked for a moment as though she wanted to breathe fire at him for interrupting, but then she sighed and nodded.

**Hagrid must have forgotten to tell him something you had to do, like tapping the third brick on the left to get into Diagon Alley. He wondered if he should get out his wand and start tapping the ticket inspector's stand between platforms nine and ten.**

"Good idea, but it wouldn't help, _and_ it would look really suspicious" Sirius said, shrugging.

"At least he's thinking logically" Remus said.

**At that moment a group of people passed just behind him and he caught a few words of what they were saying.**

"— **packed with Muggles, of course —"**

"Yes!" Lily cheered, looking instantly relieved. "They can help him!"

**Harry swung round. The speaker was a plump woman who was talking to four boys, all with flaming red hair. Each of them was pushing a trunk like Harry's in front of him — and they had an owl.**

"Flaming red hair" said Sirius. "It sounds like the Weasleys. You know, Arthur Weasley? He was a few years above us. I think he married Fabian and Gideon Prewett's sister, Mona or whatever her name was."

"Molly, you idiot" Lily huffed.

"Yeah, whatever" he shrugged, uncaring. "Anyway, it must be them, they've got a tradition of having loads of kids in that family, I hear."

**Heart hammering, Harry pushed his cart after them. They stopped and so did he, just near enough to hear what they were saying. **

"**Now, what's the platform number?" said the boys' mother.**

"**Nine and three-quarters!" piped a small girl, also red-headed, who was holding her hand, "Mom, can't I go . . ."**

"**You're not old enough, Ginny, now be quiet. All right, Percy, you go first."**

**What looked like the oldest boy marched toward platforms nine and ten. Harry watched, careful not to blink in case he missed it — but just as the boy reached the dividing barrier between the two platforms, a large crowd of tourists came swarming in front of him and by the time the last backpack had cleared away, the boy had vanished.**

"Just ask them what to do!" Lily urged her son. "They won't laugh at you, Molly's really kind, she'd help you, Harry."

"**Fred, you next," the plump woman said.**

"**I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?"**

"Identical twins!" James cheered. "Awesome! Imagine if you were my twin, Sirius! We could trick people all the time!"

"So let us all offer a silent thanks to the Powers that Be that they didn't bring this horror upon us" Remus muttered sarcastically, making Lily laugh.

"**Sorry, George, dear."**

"**Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy, and off he went. His twin called after him to hurry up, and he must have done so, because a second later, he had gone — but how had he done it? Now the third brother was walking briskly toward the barrier — he was almost there — and then, quite suddenly, he wasn't anywhere.**

**There was nothing else for it.**

"Good" said James. "Now he'll ask them."

"**Excuse me," Harry said to the plump woman.**

"**Hello, dear," she said. "First time at Hogwarts? Ron's new, too." She pointed at the last and youngest of her sons. He was tall, thin, and gangling, with freckles, big hands and feet, and a long nose.**

"I'm sure dear Ron would be happy to hear his description" Lily giggled.

"**Yes," said Harry. "The thing is — the thing is, I don't know how to —"**

"**How to get onto the platform?" she said kindly, and Harry nodded.**

"**Not to worry," she said. "All you have to do is walk straight at the barrier between platforms nine and ten. Don't stop and don't be scared you'll crash into it, that's very important. Best do it at a bit of a run if you're nervous. Go on, go now before Ron."**

"**Er — okay," said Harry.**

**He pushed his trolley around and stared at the barrier. It looked very solid.**

"That's kind of the point" Sirius pointed out. "Don't worry. Really, James, we'll have to make sure you and Evans don't die, you need to tell your kid these things. He doesn't know _anything_."

"Oh, he knows some things" Remus corrected him, smiling slightly. "He can do math and stuff."

"Shut it, Lupin" said Lily, but she didn't quite manage to scowl at him, being too busy trying not to smile.

**He started to walk toward it. People jostled him on their way to platforms nine and ten. Harry walked more quickly. He was going to smash right into that barrier and then he'd be in trouble — leaning forward on his cart, he broke into a heavy run — the barrier was coming nearer and nearer — he wouldn't be able to stop — the cart was out of control — he was a foot away — he closed his eyes ready for the crash —**

**It didn't come . . . he kept on running . . . he opened his eyes.**

"All done!" Sirius announced. Remus threw a pillow at him and kept on reading.

**A scarlet steam engine was waiting next to a platform packed with people. A sign overhead said **_**Hogwarts Express, eleven o'clock**_**. Harry looked behind him and saw a wrought-iron archway where the barrier had been, with the words **_**Platform Nine and Three-Quarters**_** on it. He had done it.**

**Smoke from the engine drifted over the heads of the chattering crowd, while cats of every color wound here and there between their legs. Owls hooted to one another in a disgruntled sort of way over the babble and the scraping of heavy trunks. The first few carriages were already packed with students, some hanging out of the window to talk to their families, some fighting over seats. Harry pushed his cart off down the platform in search of an empty seat. He passed a round-faced boy who was saying, "Gran, I've lost my toad again."**

"**Oh, Neville," he heard the old woman sigh.**

**A boy with dreadlocks was surrounded by a small crowd.**

"**Give us a look, Lee, go on."**

**The boy lifted the lid of a box in his arms, and the people around him shrieked and yelled as something inside poked out a long, hairy leg.**

**Harry pressed on through the crowd until he found an empty compartment near the end of the train. He put Hedwig inside first and then started to shove and heave his trunk toward the train door. He tried to lift it up the steps but could hardly raise one end and twice he dropped it painfully on his foot. **

"Someone help him!" Lily ordered anxiously. "He'll hurt himself!"

"**Want a hand?" It was one of the red-haired twins he'd followed through the barrier.**

"**Yes, please," Harry panted.**

"**Oy, Fred! C'mere and help!"**

"Good" she nodded. "He needs to learn how to ask for help!"

"Or he just needs to get bigger muscles."

"Shut it, Black!"

**With the twins' help, Harry's trunk was at last tucked away in a corner of the compartment.**

"**Thanks," said Harry, pushing his sweaty hair out of his eyes.**

"**What's that?" said one of the twins suddenly, pointing at Harry's lightning scar.**

"**Blimey," said the other twin. "Are you — ?"**

"**He is," said the first twin. "Aren't you?" he added to Harry.**

"**What?" said Harry.**

"**Harry Potter," chorused the twins.**

"**Oh, him," said Harry. "I mean, yes, I am."**

Remus laughed. "What kind of reaction is that?"

**The two boys gawked at him, and Harry felt himself turning red. Then, to his relief, a voice came floating in through the train's open door.**

"**Fred? George? Are you there?"**

"**Coming, Mom."**

"Molly, the saviour!" Sirius cried dramatically, though the effect was dampened slightly when Remus whacked him in the nose with the book before continuing.

**With a last look at Harry, the twins hopped off the train. Harry sat down next to the window where, half hidden, he could watch the red-haired family on the platform and hear what they were saying. Their mother had just taken out her handkerchief.**

"**Ron, you've got something on your nose."**

**The youngest boy tried to jerk out of the way, but she grabbed him and began rubbing the end of his nose.**

"**Mom — geroff." He wriggled free.**

"The curse of mothers everywhere" James said. Sirius scowled.

"Not my mother it isn't" he said.

"Yeah, but your mother's a bitch."

"Potter!" Lily protested, but Sirius held up a hand, stopping her.

"No, she is a bitch" he said. "Don't chew him out for stating the truth, Evans."

"**Aaah, has ickle Ronnie got somefink on his nosie?" said one of the twins.**

"**Shut up," said Ron.**

"**Where's Percy?" said their mother.**

"**He's coming now."**

**The oldest boy came striding into sight. He had already changed into his billowing black Hogwarts robes, and Harry noticed a shiny red and gold badge on his chest with the letter P on it.**

"Eww, a prefect!" Sirius and James grimaced in unison.

"Excuse me?" Remus asked, a threat rather evident in his voice.

"Excuse me too" Lily added. Dual Prefect Glares™, oh no. The two black-haired boys died synchronized, dramatic deaths in perfect unison to gain forgiveness. It didn't work.

"**Can't stay long, Mother," he said. "I'm up front, the prefects have got two compartments to themselves —"**

"**Oh, are you a prefect, Percy?" said one of the twins, with an air of great surprise. "You should have said something, we had no idea."**

"**Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it," said the other twin. "Once —"**

"**Or twice —"**

"**A minute —"**

"**All summer —"**

"**Oh, shut up," said Percy the Prefect.**

"No, don't shut up!" Sirius cried. "They're freaking awesome!"

"**How come Percy gets new robes, anyway?" said one of the twins.**

"**Because he's a prefect," said their mother fondly. "All right, dear, well, have a good term — send me an owl when you get there."**

**She kissed Percy on the cheek and he left. Then she turned to the twins.**

"**Now, you two — this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've — you've blown up a toilet or —"**

"Oh no" Remus groaned. "Never give a prankster ideas!"

"Speaking from experience, I suppose?" Lily asked, eyebrow raised. He nodded, and Sirius and James released a chorus of evil chuckles.

"**Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet."**

"**Great idea though, thanks, Mom."**

"See?"

"**It's not funny. And look after Ron."**

"**Don't worry, ickle Ronniekins is safe with us."**

"**Shut up," said Ron again. He was almost as tall as the twins already and his nose was still pink where his mother had rubbed it.**

"**Hey, Mom, guess what? Guess who we just met on the train?"**

**Harry leaned back quickly so they couldn't see him looking.**

"**You know that black-haired boy who was near us in the station? Know who he is?"**

"**Who?"**

"**Harry Potter!"**

"Oh, how funky" said Lily dryly. "Can't you just leave him alone? He didn't ask to be famous!"

**Harry heard the little girl's voice.**

"**Oh, Mom, can I go on the train and see him, Mom, oh please. . . ."**

"Okay, that was a bit cute" she admitted, but then her scowl returned full-force. "That doesn't mean you should go stare at him! He isn't a zoo animal!"

"**You've already seen him, Ginny, and the poor boy isn't something you goggle at in a zoo. Is he really, Fred? How do you know?"**

"**Asked him. Saw his scar. It's really there — like lightning."**

"**Poor dear — no wonder he was alone, I wondered. He was ever so polite when he asked how to get onto the platform."**

"**Never mind that, do you think he remembers what You-Know-Who looks like?"**

**Their mother suddenly became very stern.**

"**I forbid you to ask him, Fred. No, don't you dare. As though he needs reminding of that on his first day at school."**

"Good" James said. "Mrs Weasley makes sure they leave him alone." Lily eyed him, in something akin to concern, but only for a moment.

"**All right, keep your hair on."**

**A whistle sounded.**

"**Hurry up!" their mother said, and the three boys clambered onto the train. They leaned out of the window for her to kiss them good-bye, and their younger sister began to cry.**

"**Don't, Ginny, we'll send you loads of owls."**

"**We'll send you a Hogwarts toilet seat."**

"**George!"**

"**Only joking, Mom."**

"Oh, get a sense of humour" Sirius whined.

**The train began to move. Harry saw the boys' mother waving and their sister, half laughing, half crying, running to keep up with the train until it gathered too much speed, then she fell back and waved.**

**Harry watched the girl and her mother disappear as the train rounded the corner. Houses flashed past the window. Harry felt a great leap of excitement. He didn't know what he was going to — but it had to be better than what he was leaving behind.**

"Anything would be better than that" Remus scoffed. "Except maybe Azkaban or Grimmauld Place."

"I think Grimmauld Place would be worse" Sirius nodded.

"What's that?" Lily questioned, frowning.

"House of the Noble and Ancient Blacks."

**The door of the compartment slid open and the youngest redheaded boy came in.**

"**Anyone sitting there?" he asked, pointing at the seat opposite Harry. "Everywhere else is full."**

**Harry shook his head and the boy sat down. He glanced at Harry and then looked quickly out of the window, pretending he hadn't looked. Harry saw he still had a black mark on his nose.**

James smiled. "Harry clearly is too observant for his own good."

"**Hey, Ron."**

**The twins were back.**

"**Listen, we're going down the middle of the train — Lee Jordan's got a giant tarantula down there."**

"**Right," mumbled Ron.**

"**Harry," said the other twin, "did we introduce ourselves? Fred and George Weasley. And this is Ron, our brother. See you later, then."**

"**Bye," said Harry and Ron. The twins slid the compartment door shut behind them.**

"**Are you really Harry Potter?" Ron blurted out.**

**Harry nodded.**

"**Oh — well, I thought it might be one of Fred and George's jokes," said Ron. "And have you really got — you know . . ."**

**He pointed at Harry's forehead.**

**Harry pulled back his bangs to show the lightning scar. Ron stared.**

"**So that's where You-Know-Who — ?"**

"**Yes," said Harry, "but I can't remember it."**

"**Nothing?" said Ron eagerly.**

"**Well — I remember a lot of green light, but nothing else."**

"**Wow," said Ron. He sat and stared at Harry for a few moments, then, as though he had suddenly realized what he was doing, he looked quickly out of the window again.**

"**Are all your family wizards?" asked Harry, who found Ron just as interesting as Ron found him.**

"**Er — yes, I think so," said Ron. "I think Mom's got a second cousin who's an accountant, but we never talk about him."**

"Why not?" Lily demanded, instantly looking affronted. "What kind of family behaviour is that?"

"Lily" said Remus soothingly, trying to avoid another explosion. "I think maybe he didn't want to be a part of the family. Many squibs do that. It's hard to live in the magical world, knowing that you cannot ever have magic." He bit his lip for a moment, a memory rising to the surface of his mind. He pushed it away.

"Is that why you lived like a muggle before Hogwarts?"

Remus felt as though he was about to get a heart attack, from Lily's understanding tone. What if she _knew_?

"I mean, since your mum is a muggle?"

He released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"Yeah" he half-lied.

"**So you must know loads of magic already."**

**The Weasleys were clearly one of those old wizarding families the pale boy in Diagon Alley had talked about.**

"Well, they are pureblood, but I don't think he was talking about their kind of pureblood" Sirius said with distaste towards the entire pureblood society. "My family sees the Weasleys as blood traitors. They're barely more than muggleborns to them."

"**I heard you went to live with Muggles," said Ron. "What are they like?"**

"**Horrible — well, not all of them. My aunt and uncle and cousin are, though. Wish I'd had three wizard brothers."**

"**Five," said Ron.**

Lily's eyes widened. "Whoa, they sure have a lot of children."

**For some reason, he was looking gloomy. "I'm the sixth in our family to go to Hogwarts. You could say I've got a lot to live up to. Bill and Charlie have already left — Bill was head boy and Charlie was captain of Quidditch. Now Percy's a prefect. Fred and George mess around a lot, but they still get really good marks and everyone thinks they're really funny. Everyone expects me to do as well as the others, but if I do, it's no big deal, because they did it first. You never get anything new, either, with five brothers. I've got Bill's old robes, Charlie's old wand, and Percy's old rat."**

"Aww, it must be hard to have so much to live up to" Lily said softly, frowning. "Whatever he can do is never good enough. Poor Ron."

"What if that is how your sister feels?" Remus said carefully. "That she'll never be as special as you are with all the magic and all that?" Lily bit her lip, but did not answer.

**Ron reached inside his jacket and pulled out a fat gray rat, which was asleep.**

"**His name's Scabbers and he's useless, **

"He's not!" shouted Peter, who seemed to have awoken without them noticing. His loud voice made them all jump, and Remus bared his teeth in a growl before realizing who it was. The rat animagus looked kind of sheepish.

"Sorry" he said. "I just… it's not fair being so mean to rats all the time! There's nothing wrong with rats!"

Lily gave him a puzzled look while the others just rolled their eyes.

**he hardly ever wakes up. Percy got an owl from my dad for being made a prefect, but they couldn't aff— I mean, I got Scabbers instead."**

**Ron's ears went pink. He seemed to think he'd said too much, because he went back to staring out of the window.**

Remus fingered his patched robes while he read. He knew a little something about not being able to afford new things. He caught Sirius giving him a pitying look, and threw a glare in his direction before returning his attention to the book.

**Harry didn't think there was anything wrong with not being able to afford an owl. After all, he'd never had any money in his life until a month ago, and he told Ron so, all about having to wear Dudley's old clothes and never getting proper birthday presents. This seemed to cheer Ron up.**

"Harry's a good friend" James beamed.

"**. . . and until Hagrid told me, I didn't know anything about being a wizard or about my parents or Voldemort —"**

**Ron gasped.**

"**What?" said Harry.**

"**You said You-Know-Who's name!" said Ron, sounding both shocked and impressed. "I'd have thought you, of all people —"**

"It's just a name!" scoffed Lily, of all people. "Drop it!"

"**I'm not trying to be brave or anything, saying the name," said Harry, "I just never knew you shouldn't. See what I mean? I've got loads to learn. . . . I bet," he added, voicing for the first time something that had been worrying him a lot lately, "I bet I'm the worst in the class."**

"**You won't be. There's loads of people who come from Muggle families and they learn quick enough."**

**While they had been talking, the train had carried them out of London. Now they were speeding past fields full of cows and sheep. They were quiet for a time, watching the fields and lanes**

**flick past.**

**Around half past twelve there was a great clattering outside in the corridor and a smiling, dimpled woman slid back their door and said, "Anything off the cart, dears?"**

**Harry, who hadn't had any breakfast, leapt to his feet, but Ron's ears went pink again and he muttered that he'd brought sandwiches. **

"Harry!" James ordered fatherly. "Buy the poor kid some candy! It's an order, from your soon-to-be father from the past!"

"I'm not sure he can hear you, Prongsie-pie."

**Harry went out into the corridor. He had never had any money for candy with the Dursleys, and now that he had pockets rattling with gold and silver he was ready to buy as many Mars Bars as he could carry —**

"What the heck is a Mars Bar?" James asked. "Sounds like something for those ass-nauts or whatever."

"Astronauts, James" said Lily, rolling her eyes, "and Mars Bars is a kind of muggle chocolate candy." The whole explanation was kind of useless, though, because the moment she had said his name, James concentration went down to zero and his thoughts went over to drool mode. Conveniently, she didn't notice.

**but the woman didn't have Mars Bars. What she did have were Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Drooble's Best Blowing Gum, Chocolate Frogs, Pumpkin Pasties, Cauldron Cakes, Licorice Wands, and a number of other strange things Harry had never seen in his life. Not wanting to miss anything, he got some of everything and paid the woman eleven silver Sickles and seven bronze Knuts.**

**Ron stared as Harry brought it all back in to the compartment and tipped it onto an empty seat.**

"**Hungry, are you?"**

"Oh, not at all. He just likes to buy things."

"**Starving," said Harry, taking a large bite out of a pumpkin pasty.**

**Ron had taken out a lumpy package and unwrapped it. There were four sandwiches inside. He pulled one of them apart and said, "She always forgets I don't like corned beef."**

"**Swap you for one of these," said Harry, holding up a pasty. "Go on —"**

"**You don't want this, its all dry," said Ron. "She hasn't got much time," he added quickly, "you know, with five of us."**

"**Go on, have a pasty," said Harry, who had never had anything to share before or, indeed, anyone to share it with. It was a nice feeling, sitting there with Ron, eating their way through**

**all Harry's pasties, cakes, and candies (the sandwiches lay forgotten).**

"Harry, you really should eat something healthier."

"Yes, _mum_" said Sirius mockingly, and Lily blushed and scowled at the same time.

"Well, I will be!"

"**What are these?" Harry asked Ron, holding up a pack of Chocolate Frogs. "They're not really frogs, are they?" He was starting to feel that nothing would surprise him.**

"**No," said Ron. "But see what the card is. I'm missing Agrippa."**

"**What?"**

"**Oh, of course, you wouldn't know — Chocolate Frogs have cards inside them, you know, to collect — famous witches and wizards. I've got about five hundred, but I haven't got Agrippa or**

**Ptolemy."**

**Harry unwrapped his Chocolate Frog and picked up the card. It showed a man's face. He wore half-moon glasses, had a long, crooked nose, and flowing silver hair, beard, and mustache. Underneath the picture was the name Albus Dumbledore.**

"**So this is Dumbledore!" said Harry.**

"No, it's Filch."

"Shut it, Black."

"**Don't tell me you'd never heard of Dumbledore!" said Ron. "Can I have a frog? I might get Agrippa — thanks —"**

"One-track mind!" singsonged James.

**Harry turned over his card and read:**

_**ALBUS DUMBLEDORE**_

_**-currently headmaster of Hogwarts-**_

_**Considered by many the greatest wizard of modern times, Dumbledore is particularly famous for his defeat of the Dark wizard Grindelwald in 1945, for the discovery of the twelve uses of dragon's blood, and his work on alchemy with his partner, Nicolas Flamel. Professor Dumbledore enjoys chamber music and tenpin bowling.**_

**Harry turned the card back over and saw, to his astonishment, that Dumbledore's face had disappeared.**

"**He's gone!"**

"What did you expect? He can't stay there all day, can he?"

"**Well, you can't expect him to hang around all day," said Ron.**

"Turns out you're a lot like Ron, Padfoot."

"Shut up, Moony."

"**He'll be back. No, I've got Morgana again and I've got about six of her . . . do you want it? You can start collecting."**

**Ron's eyes strayed to the pile of Chocolate Frogs waiting to be unwrapped.**

"**Help yourself," said Harry. "But in, you know, the Muggle world, people just stay put in photos."**

"**Do they? What, they don't move at all?" Ron sounded amazed. "Weird!"**

**Harry stared as Dumbledore sidled back into the picture on his card and gave him a small smile. Ron was more interested in eating the frogs than looking at the Famous Witches and Wizards cards, but Harry couldn't keep his eyes off them. Soon he had not only Dumbledore and Morgana, but Hengist of Woodcraft, Alberic Grunnion, Circe, Paracelsus, and Merlin. He finally tore his eyes away from the druidess Cliodna, who was scratching her nose, to open a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.**

"Eww" said Remus, scowling. "They're awful."

"They're not!" Peter objected in defence of all kinds of candy. "You just don't like them because you got that blood-flavoured one once!"

Remus shuddered at the thought, and Sirius gave Peter an angry look. Lily grimaced.

"Blood isn't very tasty, I'll admit" she said.

"Mm, exactly my thoughts."

"**You want to be careful with those," Ron warned Harry. "When they say every flavor, they mean every flavor — you know, you get all the ordinary ones like chocolate and peppermint and marmalade, but then you can get spinach and liver and tripe. George reckons he had a booger-flavored one once."**

**Ron picked up a green bean, looked at it carefully, and bit into a corner.**

"**Bleaaargh — see? Sprouts."**

"Yuck" James commented, making a face.

**They had a good time eating the Every Flavor Beans. Harry got toast, coconut, baked bean, strawberry, curry, grass, coffee, sardine, and was even brave enough to nibble the end off a funny gray one Ron wouldn't touch, which turned out to be pepper.**

"He's lucky" Remus muttered. "Hasn't gotten anything all too horrible yet. But just wait. It'll come!"

"Don't be so doom-and-gloom, Moony" James said cheerfully.

**The countryside now flying past the window was becoming wilder. The neat fields had gone. Now there were woods, twisting rivers, and dark green hills.**

**There was a knock on the door of their compartment and the round-faced boy Harry had passed on platform nine and threequarters came in. He looked tearful.**

"Oh poor Neville" Lily cooed, looking appropriately sad.

"How on Earth do you remember his name?"

"I _listen_, Black."

"**Sorry," he said, "but have you seen a toad at all?"**

**When they shook their heads, he wailed, "I've lost him! He keeps getting away from me!"**

"**He'll turn up," said Harry.**

"Harry is such a kind boy!" Lily beamed. "Despite growing up with my stupid sister and her stupid family! He's the best son ever!"

"Be sure to tell him that when you meet him" Remus smirked.

"**Yes," said the boy miserably. "Well, if you see him . . ."**

**He left.**

"**Don't know why he's so bothered," said Ron. "If I'd brought a toad I'd lose it as quick as I could. Mind you, I brought Scabbers, so I can't talk."**

"Stop hating on Scabbers" said Peter with indignation.

**The rat was still snoozing on Ron's lap.**

"**He might have died and you wouldn't know the difference," said Ron in disgust. "I tried to turn him yellow yesterday to make him more interesting, but the spell didn't work. I'll show you, look . . ."**

**He rummaged around in his trunk and pulled out a very battered-looking wand. It was chipped in places and something white was glinting at the end.**

"**Unicorn hair's nearly poking out. Anyway —"**

"He should really get a new wand" Sirius frowned. "What if it breaks?"

"They're the Weasleys, Mr Rich Pureblood" said Remus irritably. "They probably can't afford it. You think I could just get a new wand whenever I want to?"

"Oh… sorry, Moony."

**He had just raised his wand when the compartment door slid open again. The toadless boy was back, but this time he had a girl with him. She was already wearing her new Hogwarts robes.**

"**Has anyone seen a toad? Neville's lost one," she said. She had a bossy sort of voice, lots of bushy brown hair, and rather large front teeth.**

"I'm sure she was just as flattered as Ron with that wonderful description" giggled Lily.

"**We've already told him we haven't seen it," said Ron, but the girl wasn't listening, she was looking at the wand in his hand. **

"**Oh, are you doing magic? Let's see it, then."**

**She sat down. Ron looked taken aback.**

"Bossy was a blatant understatement, I see" sniggered James.

"**Er — all right."**

**He cleared his throat.**

"**Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow,**

**Turn this stupid, fat rat yellow."**

Remus smiled reluctantly. "Oh? Never heard of that spell."

"Moony!" Sirius cheered. "You can smile!"

"Shut up."

**He waved his wand, but nothing happened. Scabbers stayed gray and fast asleep.**

"**Are you sure that's a real spell?" said the girl. "Well, it's not very good, is it? I've tried a few simple spells just for practice and it's all worked for me. Nobody in my family's magic at all, it was ever such a surprise when I got my letter, but I was ever so pleased, of course, I mean, it's the very best school of witchcraft there is, I've heard — I've learned all our course books by heart, of course, I just hope it will be enough — I'm Hermione Granger, by the way, who are you?"**

**She said all this very fast.**

"She learned _all_ her course books by heart?" Lily gasped. "Even _I_ didn't do that!"

"It _is_ rather extreme…" Remus agreed.

"CALL THE DAILY PROPHET!" Sirius shrieked. "_TWO _BOOKWORMS AGREEING ON THE FACT THAT READING IS SUPERFLUOUS!"

"Superfluous, Black?" said Lily with slight contempt. "Picked up a dictionary, have you?"

"I know big words!"

Remus huffed in disbelief. "I'm sure you do, Sirius, I'm sure you do."

**Harry looked at Ron, and was relieved to see by his stunned face that he hadn't learned all the course books by heart either. **

"**I'm Ron Weasley," Ron muttered.**

"**Harry Potter," said Harry.**

"**Are you really?" said Hermione. "I know all about you, of course — I got a few extra books for background reading, and you're in Modern Magical History and The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts and Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century."**

"I would read those, but they haven't come out yet, of course" Lily muttered to herself. Sirius coughed, but it sounded _almost_ like he said 'bookworm' under his breath. Almost.

"**Am I?" said Harry, feeling dazed.**

"**Goodness, didn't you know, I'd have found out everything I could if it was me," said Hermione. "Do either of you know what House you'll be in? I've been asking around, and I hope I'm in Gryffindor, it sounds by far the best; I hear Dumbledore himself was in it, but I suppose Ravenclaw wouldn't be too bad. . . . Anyway, we'd better go and look for Neville's toad. You two had better change, you know, I expect we'll be there soon."**

**And she left, taking the toadless boy with her.**

"**Whatever House I'm in, I hope she's not in it," said Ron. **

"I'm betting Ravenclaw for her" said James. "Of course, you don't need to be in Ravenclaw to be smart, just look at Lily." The mentioned redhead blushed furiously, but looked rather pleased.

**He threw his wand back into his trunk. "Stupid spell — George gave it to me, bet he knew it was a dud."**

"**What House are your brothers in?" asked Harry.**

"**Gryffindor," said Ron. Gloom seemed to be settling on him again. "Mom and Dad were in it, too. I don't know what they'll say if I'm not. I don't suppose Ravenclaw would be too bad, but imagine if they put me in Slytherin."**

"**That's the House Vol-, I mean, You-Know-Who was in?"**

"**Yeah," said Ron. He flopped back into his seat, looking depressed.**

"**You know, I think the ends of Scabbers' whiskers are a bit lighter," said Harry, trying to take Ron's mind off Houses. "So what do your oldest brothers do now that they've left, anyway?"**

**Harry was wondering what a wizard did once he'd finished school.**

"**Charlie's in Romania studying dragons, **

"Cool!" shouted Sirius and James in unison, as was their somewhat disturbing habit. Remus often wondered whether they shared minds. Most often, he abandoned his wondering when his thoughts about the horrors they could wreak got too frightening.

**and Bill's in Africa doing something for Gringotts," said Ron. "Did you hear about Gringotts? Its been all over the Daily Prophet, but I don't suppose you get that with the Muggles — someone tried to rob a high security vault."**

Lily paled. "What? That's impossible!"

"Well, it seems that poem didn't deter all of them" said James rather weakly, trying to inject some humour. The moment the words left his mouth, he cowered in fear of the Evans Glare™, but Lily just chuckled vaguely and nodded at Remus to keep reading.

**Harry stared.**

"**Really? What happened to them?"**

"**Nothing, that's why it's such big news. They haven't been caught. My dad says it must've been a powerful Dark wizard to get round Gringotts, but they don't think they took anything, that's what's odd. 'Course, everyone gets scared when something like this happens in case You-Know-Who's behind it." Harry turned this news over in his mind. He was starting to get a prickle of fear every time You-Know-Who was mentioned. He supposed this was all part of entering the magical world, but it had been a lot more comfortable saying "Voldemort" without worrying.**

"See? Being afraid of his name is just stupid."

"**What's your Quidditch team?" Ron asked.**

"**Er — I don't know any," Harry confessed.**

"**What!" Ron looked dumbfounded. "Oh, you wait, it's the best game in the world —" And he was off, explaining all about the four balls and the positions of the seven players, describing famous games he'd been to with his brothers and the broomstick he'd like to get if he had the money. He was just taking Harry through the finer points of the game when the compartment door slid open yet again, but it wasn't Neville the toadless boy, or Hermione Granger this time.**

**Three boys entered, and Harry recognized the middle one at once: It was the pale boy from Madam Malkin's robe shop. He was looking at Harry with a lot more interest than he'd shown back in Diagon Alley.**

"Oh joy."

"**Is it true?" he said. "They're saying all down the train that Harry Potter's in this compartment. So it's you, is it?"**

"**Yes," said Harry. He was looking at the other boys. Both of them were thickset and looked extremely mean. Standing on either side of the pale boy, they looked like bodyguards.**

"That's probably what they are" snorted Sirius. "Idiots, probably."

"**Oh, this is Crabbe and this is Goyle," said the pale boy carelessly, noticing where Harry was looking. "And my name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy."**

"Not all that unexpected."

**Ron gave a slight cough, which might have been hiding a snigger. Draco Malfoy looked at him.**

"**Think my name's funny, do you? No need to ask who you are. My father told me all the Weasleys have red hair, freckles, and more children than they can afford."**

"That was uncalled for!" Lily snapped. "They're sure a lot better than you and your stupid family, you little ferret brat!"

**He turned back to Harry. "You'll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there."**

**He held out his hand to shake Harry's, but Harry didn't take it.**

"**I think I can tell who the wrong sort are for myself, thanks," he said coolly.**

"My son is great!" James cheered. "You go, Harry! Show him whose side you're on!"

**Draco Malfoy didn't go red, but a pink tinge appeared in his pale cheeks.**

"**I'd be careful if I were you, Potter," he said slowly. "Unless you're a bit politer you'll go the same way as your parents. They didn't know what was good for them, either. **

To everyone's surprise, including his own, it was Remus who jumped to his feet, growling in anger.

"You shut up about them, you little monster!" he snarled, glaring at the book. "They're better people than you ever could be!"

"Er, Moony…"

The werewolf looked up from the pages, seeing Sirius, James and Peter looking vaguely concerned. He swallowed and drew a deep breath.

"Sorry" he said slowly. "I'm just… I don't feel very well." He knew the others would get the message, and he could see they did. Lily was watching them all curiously, probably seeing all too much, but there was nothing to be done about that.

"It's fine, Remus" said James, still frowning slightly. "The chapter should be finished soon. We can go get you some chocolate after that if you want."

"I… think I would appreciate that. Thanks."

**You hang around with riffraff like the Weasleys and that Hagrid, and it'll rub off on you."**

**Both Harry and Ron stood up.**

"**Say that again," Ron said, his face as red as his hair.**

"**Oh, you're going to fight us, are you?" Malfoy sneered.**

"**Unless you get out now," said Harry, more bravely than he felt, because Crabbe and Goyle were a lot bigger than him or Ron.**

"**But we don't feel like leaving, do we, boys? We've eaten all our food and you still seem to have some."**

**Goyle reached toward the Chocolate Frogs next to Ron — Ron leapt forward, but before he'd so much as touched Goyle, Goyle let out a horrible yell.**

**Scabbers the rat was hanging off his finger, **

"GO SCABBERS!" shouted Sirius, and Remus rubbed his pounding ears, scowling.

"See!" said Peter importantly, his stout form rising from the floor to sit next to James on the couch instead. "There's nothing wrong with rats! Scabbers fights the good fight!"

**sharp little teeth sunk deep into Goyle's knuckle — Crabbe and Malfoy backed away as Goyle swung Scabbers round and round, howling, and when Scabbers finally flew off and hit the window, all three of them disappeared at once. Perhaps they thought there were more rats lurking among the sweets, **

"You better watch out!" Peter said, looking immensely satisfied. "Rats are fierce and brave!"

"Of course they are, Wormy" said James brightly, patting his chubby friend on the shoulder. Remus smiled vaguely. That's James for you. Always encouraging. Sirius, on the other hand, rolled his eyes. Oh well.

**or perhaps they'd heard footsteps, because a second later, Hermione Granger had come in.**

"**What has been going on?" she said, looking at the sweets all over the floor and Ron picking up Scabbers by his tail.**

"**I think he's been knocked out," Ron said to Harry. He looked closer at Scabbers. "No — I don't believe it — he's gone back to sleep."**

**And so he had.**

"**You've met Malfoy before?"**

**Harry explained about their meeting in Diagon Alley.**

"**I've heard of his family," said Ron darkly. "They were some of the first to come back to our side after You-Know-Who disappeared. Said they'd been bewitched. My dad doesn't believe it. He says Malfoy's father didn't need an excuse to go over to the Dark Side." He turned to Hermione. "Can we help you with something?"**

"**You'd better hurry up and put your robes on, I've just been up to the front to ask the conductor, and he says we're nearly there. You haven't been fighting, have you? You'll be in trouble before we even get there!"**

"That's none of your business, Granger!" said James.

"She's just looking out for them, James!" Lily objected. "They _shouldn't_ be fighting!"

"Please drop it, Lily" said Remus wearily. "These two miscreants don't know the meaning of the word 'rules'." She sighed and sank back into her chair.

"I suppose you're right."

"**Scabbers has been fighting, not us," said Ron, scowling at her. "Would you mind leaving while we change?"**

"**All right — I only came in here because people outside are behaving very childishly, racing up and down the corridors," said Hermione in a sniffy voice. "And you've got dirt on your nose, by the way, did you know?"**

**Ron glared at her as she left. Harry peered out of the window. It was getting dark. He could see mountains and forests under a deep purple sky. The train did seem to be slowing down.**

**He and Ron took off their jackets and pulled on their long black robes. Ron's were a bit short for him, you could see his sneakers underneath them.**

**A voice echoed through the train: "We will be reaching Hogwarts in five minutes' time. Please leave your luggage on the train, it will be taken to the school separately."**

"They're coming to Hogwarts!" cheered Sirius. "This'll be totally awesome!"

**Harry's stomach lurched with nerves and Ron, he saw, looked pale under his freckles. They crammed their pockets with the last of the sweets and joined the crowd thronging the corridor. The train slowed right down and finally stopped. People pushed their way toward the door and out on to a tiny, dark platform. Harry shivered in the cold night air. Then a lamp came bobbing over the heads of the students, and Harry heard a familiar voice:**

"**Firs' years! Firs' years over here! All right there, Harry?"**

"Hagrid!" grinned James.

**Hagrid's big hairy face beamed over the sea of heads.**

"**C'mon, follow me — any more firs' years? Mind yer step, now! Firs' years follow me!"**

**Slipping and stumbling, they followed Hagrid down what seemed to be a steep, narrow path. It was so dark on either side of them that Harry thought there must be thick trees there. Nobody spoke much. Neville, the boy who kept losing his toad, sniffed once or twice.**

"**Yeh'll get yer firs' sight o' Hogwarts in a sec," Hagrid called over his shoulder, "jus' round this bend here."**

**There was a loud "Oooooh!"**

"It's really magnificient" said Lily softly, smiling. "I was all amazed when I first saw it."

"Me too" Remus nodded quietly.

**The narrow path had opened suddenly onto the edge of a great black lake. Perched atop a high mountain on the other side, its windows sparkling in the starry sky, was a vast castle with many**

**turrets and towers.**

"**No more'n four to a boat!" Hagrid called, pointing to a fleet of little boats sitting in the water by the shore. Harry and Ron were followed into their boat by Neville and Hermione.**

"**Everyone in?" shouted Hagrid, who had a boat to himself. "Right then — FORWARD!"**

**And the fleet of little boats moved off all at once, gliding across the lake, which was as smooth as glass. Everyone was silent, staring up at the great castle overhead. It towered over them as they sailed nearer and nearer to the cliff on which it stood.**

"Aww, no one fell into the lake?" Sirius grumbled. "That's the most fun part!"

"Was that why you pushed me in?" Remus asked dryly.

"I didn't push you! You just… fell."

"Yes, when your hands happened to push my back forward. You're lucky I knew a good drying charm."

"I'm lucky you're such a genius, you mean."

"I'm not a genius. It just seems so to you idiots."

"**Heads down!" yelled Hagrid as the first boats reached the cliff; they all bent their heads and the little boats carried them through a curtain of ivy that hid a wide opening in the cliff face. They were carried along a dark tunnel, which seemed to be taking them right underneath the castle, until they reached a kind of underground harbor, where they clambered out onto rocks and pebbles.**

"**Oy, you there! Is this your toad?" said Hagrid, who was checking the boats as people climbed out of them.**

"**Trevor!" cried Neville blissfully, holding out his hands. **

"Yeah yeah, now you've got your stupid toad, let's go."

"Don't be so cruel, Sirius."

"Sorry, Moony."

**Then they clambered up a passageway in the rock after Hagrid's lamp, coming out at last onto smooth, damp grass right in the shadow of the castle.**

**They walked up a flight of stone steps and crowded around the huge, oak front door.**

"**Everyone here? You there, still got yer toad?"**

**Hagrid raised a gigantic fist and knocked three times on the castle door.**

"They're there!" James grinned madly. "Finally!"

"Yes, but that's also the end of the chapter. Did you say something about chocolate, now?"

Sirius rolled his eyes but smiled, pulling James to his feet as he rose by himself.

"Let it never be said that the Marauders don't look after their resident Moony" he said. "C'mon Prongsie-poo, let's go get his chocolate so we can continue reading."

"Why must I come?"

"Because you offered it to him. That makes it your job to get it. I'm just coming as a moral support."

"Why, because I might be scared of the monsters in that wardr-…"

"AND WE'RE OFF!" Sirius shrieked, giving James an evil look as he dragged him away up the dormitory stairs. Remus sighed, sinking back into the couch as he gave Peter the book.

"He's really not as subtle as he thinks he is" he murmured. "I think I'll go visit a certain wardrobe in a few chapters…"


	8. Hoggy Warty Hogwarts

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: It would seem I'm on a roll this weekend! I wrote this just today, and I hope you'll enjoy it. Typical me; I've had all summer to write, but now when it's the last days before school starts again, I get going. Seems I only can work properly under a bit of pressure ;) Read, review and enjoy!_

_DISCLAIMER: If I owned HP, I would… __**a)**__ be very rich and able to buy myself an apartment instead of living with my parents! __**b)**__ write another book, preferably a prequel of some sort, dealing with the Marauders! __**and c) **__not be writing free fanfiction for y'all to read online! :) Everything in __**BOLD **__is quoted from J.K. Rowling, and she owns all this._

**-CHAPTER EIGHT-**

**-Hoggy Warty Hogwarts-**

Seeing Remus Lupin eating chocolate was something most people had done, given the fondness the tawny-haired unknown-to-all-werewolf-boy had for the brown gold of sugary sweetness. Seeing him _inhale_ chocolate, however, was something only a few had ever witnessed. He was, obviously, all too secretive about the fact that he was sometimes distinctly furry to even think of allowing anyone except for close friends to see him positively _devour_ chocolate the way he did right now. To spot him shoving numerous bars of Honeydukes best down his throat in the middle of the Gryffindor common room was therefore almost unheard of. Yet there he was, mostly due to the fact that the only people currently inhabiting the Tower were the Marauders and James' Lily-Flower (who, by the way, would have castrated them personally had she heard herself called that). Speaking of Lily; she was currently watching the chocolate murder with wide eyes, mouth hanging open as Remus grunted and grabbed his fifth bar of concentrated sugar rush.

"Here, Remmy" said Sirius '_Purveyor of Odd Nicknames AND Chocolate for Moony When He Goes All Moony on Us All and Threaten to Fall Into Permanent Moony-ness_' Black, who by the way decided to limit his nicknames to five words or less to prevent people from falling asleep before he'd even reached his illustrious last name. Er, then he handed Remus another bar. Perhaps he ought to limit his tendency to over-speak before reaching the point as well. Now he was thinking too much again. Away, evil thoughts! Away!

"Close your mouth, Evans" he said quickly, to dispel all fiendish thoughts of doom once and for all. "You look like a wide-mouthed tree frog."

Lily scowled at him, but she did close her mouth, not taking her eyes off Remus.

"Won't he choke?" she asked.

"Nah, he'll be fine" said James brightly, as usual quite over-eager to discuss all matters of importance and no importance with his fiery red temptress. "He always does that when he really needs a sugar rush. But I always watch over him nonetheless, you know, to make sure he won't hurt himself." He nodded importantly.

Remus rolled his eyes in between chews, and Sirius snorted. The last full moon, Prongs had spent all of Remus' chocolate time nagging about Evans as usual. He didn't really see how that substituted 'watching over chocolate-devouring werewolf friend', but perhaps James used some sort of logic outside the grasp of a normal human being. Yes, indeed he did. Now he was looking as though he expected the fair maiden to go "_OH JAMES, YOU'RE SO BRAVE AND STRONG! IN REALITY ALL THOSE NEAR-LETHAL HEXES I AIMED AT YOU WERE JUST AN OUTLET FOR MY BURNING PASSION FOR YOU AND YOUR UNEARTHLY HAIR_!" and swoon into his arms.

Needless to say, she didn't.

"Oh" she said. "Okay."

James' crushed look was not helped by the look Peter gave him ('Better luck next time, James! You'll get her one day, James! How could you not, James? You're _awesome_, James!'), the wolfish glare Remus aimed in his direction ('If you ever use me as some kind of flirting device again, I will string your intestines up across the Great Hall and leave them to dry…'), nor the glance Sirius sent his way ('I like swedish meatballs, did you know?'). Lily gave them all equal glances, looking a bit puzzled at their obvious non-verbal communication.

Sirius liked non-verbal stuff. Non-verbal spells were cool because then he could hit people from behind without them noticing. Non-verbal pants were good, because then he wouldn't have to see how very red his face could be (he remembered with horror the pants James had given him as a birthday present in third year. They'd been really comfy and all, if a bit of an odd gift to give, and then, in the middle of the Great Hall at lunch, they'd screamed '_THE BALLS ARE A LIE!'_ and caused Sirius to have a heart attack from shame, while everyone around him suffered heart attacks from laughter). Non-verbal communication was great, because then they could be all Marauder-y without anyone noticing, which was cool.

The problem with non-verbal conversation was if one of them obviously used non-Earth logic and apparently didn't speak the same language. James, supposedly, spoke English as his native tongue. Nonetheless, he didn't seem to speak English when it came to gazes. Sirius had many times toyed with the thought of making a translation list of the language James received non-verbal communication in. Threats about intestines, words of mild fanboy pity/encouragement and information about meatballs all apparently translated to 'We think you should say something even _manlier_ than that! She'll fall for you, trust us, Prongsie, old mate!'

Sirius' theory was that it was the hair that distorted the messages Prongs got from them. He strongly suspected it could pick up signals from outer space. Probably from the Prongz Civilisation in the 36th Galaxy of Git or something like that.

Anyway. Prongs got the clearly faulty message that he should say something manly. However, a problem arose; Prongs didn't know the _meaning_ of the word 'manly'. Or, well, as Sirius obviously was the personification of the word itself, James did know him, but he was, of course, too slow to realize that he should look to his best mate for advice on manliness. So. Prongs tried on his own.

"Er… I could braid your hair if you like, Lily" he said, in a manly, squeaky voice. Sirius watched in horror.

"Pardon?" She raised an eyebrow in a way that was positively manlier than the shaky boy with space-signal hair who sat opposite her.

"I said, I could braid your hair, er… I mean, I'm great with hair."

It was kind of like watching a train wreck. Even Remus tore himself from the last chocolate bar to stare. Peter, however, looked impressed. Well, if Peter took his seduction advice from Prongs, it was no wonder he'd never had a girlfriend. Sirius reminded himself to put the poor boy straight as soon as he could.

"You could… braid my hair?"

"Yeah, I mean, er, so you wouldn't have to!"

Apparently James' hair-distorting thingie worked even in verbal conversation, because he seemed to interpret Lily's '_what is wrong with you?_' expression as '_oh Potter, you know just what a woman needs!_' – he looked rather encouraged. Idiotic idiot of all idiots!

"Yeah, I do Sirius hair all the time!"

No! Sirius swung from horror to _HORROR_. His stare at James quite clearly intoned 'DON'T PULL ME INTO THIS MESS, YOU GIT! I DON'T EVEN WEAR BRAIDS!'. To James, it seemed to say 'Perfect! I can tell her how great you are at braiding hairs!', because he gestured vaguely at Sirius' shoulder-length black mane.

"Sirius… wears braids?" said Peter, surprised. "I've never seen them! Can you show me, James?"

"No!" Sirius shrieked, making them all jump. "For God's sake, Prongs, I don't wear braids!"

James' face turned crushed again, but even more so than before. A pathetic effort at puppy-dog eyes. Sirius would have scoffed at it, at the hint of a pout, the glitter of tears in his best mate's hazel eyes, the slightly shaking lower lip. Never try to puppy-dog a bloody dog animagus. Sirius Black, the Master of Dog Expressions, could not be fooled by such a feeble attempt to sway him!

That was exactly why he had to look away from James. He simply couldn't _see_ such a pathetic expression! James could pull himself out of his own mess this time! Sirius didn't want to get involved in this stupidity! Of course, looking away from James made his eyes land on Evans instead, and she just looked confused and rather curious. It all thoroughly sucked as far as situations go. Remus sighed softly, and rose to his feet.

"Why don't you come with me, Lily?" he asked. "Let's go to the kitchen and get some pumpkin juice."

Sirius mouthed a 'thanks so very much mate' to Remus, who replied with a likewise mouthed 'oh, it was nothing', to which Sirius replied 'I was being sarcastic' and Remus replied something long that Sirius couldn't read, but he thought he caught a 'yippee' in there somewhere. Werewolf git.

Remus sighed deeply as the myriads of house elves brought them two full beakers of pumpkin juice and a large platter of sandwiches as well. Lily was still looking majorly confused, holding one of the beakers and looking quite a bit like a waitress with her dress-thingie on and her hair pulled into a messy bun.

"What _was_ that thing about the braids?" she asked at last, when they were heading back to the Fat Lady in silence. "He just gets more and more confusing, that boy."

"He just likes you a lot" Remus said. "He, er, just isn't very good at romance, as you might know. He probably thought it would seem impressive and kind to offer to help you braid your hair. He just doesn't think first, and Sirius probably didn't want to get involved in the disaster. James is good at digging holes for himself."

Lily giggled, which was a rather unusual response to the subject of James Potter.

"Don't you dare tell anyone, but it is pretty cute when he say those idiotic things like that" she said. "He's such a git, though."

"Sometimes, I actually agree with you."

"I hope he isn't all crushed now, though" she said, and she almost sounded anxious. "I mean, that was a bit of a disaster on his part but it was actually rather cute considering what crap he used to pull before."

"I think you really love getting all that attention" Remus said knowledgeably, and grinned at the blush on her cheeks. "You like him but you don't want to admit it, really. Don't try and hide it from me."

"You're just too damn observant" she huffed. "Don't tell him."

"Of course not. I'd never hear the end of it."

Entering the common room, they found James with his head in his hands, blushing a furious red up to the roots of his messy black hair. Sirius' expression was somewhere between laughter and pity. His anger at being involved in the Braiding Disaster seemed to have evaporated immediately. Of course. Remus sighed and placed the plate of sandwiches and the beaker of juice on the coffee table, levitating the entire spectacle to land in between the couches and assorted armchairs they used as their reading spot. Lily added her own beaker to the table, gazing tentatively at James' defeated form for a moment.

"Hey, James" she said at last, voice sounding like she still wasn't sure this was a wise idea. "That wasn't the best attempt ever, but you've done ten times worse before, so I won't hex you. For the record, I can braid my own hair, thanks."

He perked up, brightening immediately. Sirius groaned, but Remus grinned knowingly at Lily, receiving a scowl in reply as she sat down.

"Let's read" she commanded. "I want to see what happens to my son."

"What happened in the last chapter?" asked Peter, flushing when Sirius sighed loudly.

"Shut it, Sirius" Remus chided. "Peter, they came to Hogwarts, and now they're entering the castle, Hagrid just knocked on the door. Now, you read."

"Alright" said Peter, giving his werewolf friend a grateful look. "Er, the chapter's called 'The Sorting Hat'."

**The door swung open at once. A tall, black-haired witch in emerald-green robes stood there. She had a very stern face and Harry's first thought was that this was not someone to cross.**

"I sometimes wish his father would have had the same impression" muttered Remus. James grinned cheerfully, the disaster with Lily already seeming forgotten.

"I did, but I live on the edge."

"**The firs' years, Professor McGonagall," said Hagrid.**

"**Thank you, Hagrid. I will take them from here."**

**She pulled the door wide. The entrance hall was so big you could have fit the whole of the Dursleys' house in it. The stone walls were lit with flaming torches like the ones at Gringotts, the ceiling was too high to make out, and a magnificent marble staircase facing them led to the upper floors.**

**They followed Professor McGonagall across the flagged stone floor. Harry could hear the drone of hundreds of voices from a doorway to the right — the rest of the school must already be here — but Professor McGonagall showed the first years into a small, empty chamber off the hall. They crowded in, standing rather closer together than they would usually have done, peering about nervously.**

Sirius laughed, with only a _slight_ mocking tone. "Aww, ickle firsties!"

"**Welcome to Hogwarts," said Professor McGonagall. "The start-of-term banquet will begin shortly, but before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your Houses. The Sorting is a very important ceremony because, while you are here, your House will be something like your family within Hogwarts. You will have classes with the rest of your House, sleep in your House dormitory, and spend free time in your House common room.**

"**The four Houses are called Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Each House has its own noble history and each has produced outstanding witches and wizards. While you are at Hogwarts, your triumphs will earn your House points, while any rulebreaking will lose House points. At the end of the year, the House with the most points is awarded the House cup, a great honor. I hope each of you will be a credit to whichever House becomes yours.**

"**The Sorting Ceremony will take place in a few minutes in front of the rest of the school. I suggest you all smarten yourselves up as much as you can while you are waiting." **

**Her eyes lingered for a moment on Neville's cloak, which was fastened under his left ear, and on Ron's smudged nose. Harry nervously tried to flatten his hair.**

"No use, Harry" said James absently, ruffling his own messy hair. "It doesn't even lie flat in the shower."

"What if I drench it in maple syrup?" Lily suggested sweetly.

"**I shall return when we are ready for you," said Professor McGonagall. "Please wait quietly."**

**She left the chamber. Harry swallowed.**

"**How exactly do they sort us into Houses?" he asked Ron.**

"**Some sort of test, I think. Fred said it hurts a lot, but I think he was joking."**

"It could be very painful" said Sirius. "What if it got stuck over your ears? That hat is evil."

"How big of a head would an eleven-year-old need for that?" Remus chuckled.

"I'm surprised you didn't get stuck in it then, Moony" Sirius said, deadly serious. "What with all your brains."

"Ha-ha, very funny. My brain is efficient, it doesn't need to be a huge size. You, on the other hand, with your inflated head…"

"You wound me, Lupin!"

**Harry's heart gave a horrible jolt. A test? In front of the whole school? But he didn't know any magic yet — what on earth would he have to do? He hadn't expected something like this the moment they arrived. **

"Don't worry, Harry" said Lily gently. "It's just a hat."

**He looked around anxiously and saw that everyone else looked terrified, too. No one was talking much except Hermione Granger, who was whispering very fast about all the spells she'd learned and wondering which one she'd need. **

"Bloody know-it-all" huffed Sirius.

"Shut it, Black."

**Harry tried hard not to listen to her. He'd never been more nervous, never, not even when he'd had to take a school report home to the Dursleys saying that he'd somehow turned his teachers wig blue.**

"Oops" grinned James.

**He kept his eyes fixed on the door. Any second now, Professor McGonagall would come back and lead him to his doom. Then something happened that made him jump about a foot in the air — several people behind him screamed.**

"**What the — ?"**

**He gasped. So did the people around him. About twenty ghosts had just streamed through the back wall. Pearly-white and slightly transparent, they glided across the room talking to one another and hardly glancing at the first years. They seemed to be arguing. What looked like a fat little monk was saying: "Forgive and forget, I say, we ought to give him a second chance —"**

"Same crap every year" Remus sighed. "The Friar is far too forgiving."

"**My dear Friar, haven't we given Peeves all the chances he deserves? He gives us all a bad name and you know, he's not really even a ghost — I say, what are you all doing here?"**

**A ghost wearing a ruff and tights had suddenly noticed the first years.**

**Nobody answered.**

"**New students!" said the Fat Friar, smiling around at them. "About to be Sorted, I suppose?"**

"They just enjoyed standing there, really."

**A few people nodded mutely.**

"**Hope to see you in Hufflepuff!" said the Friar. "My old House, you know."**

"**Move along now," said a sharp voice. "The Sorting Ceremony's about to start."**

**Professor McGonagall had returned. One by one, the ghosts floated away through the opposite wall.**

"**Now, form a line," Professor McGonagall told the first years, "and follow me."**

**Feeling oddly as though his legs had turned to lead, Harry got into line behind a boy with sandy hair, with Ron behind him, and they walked out of the chamber, back across the hall, and through a pair of double doors into the Great Hall.**

**Harry had never even imagined such a strange and splendid place. **

"It really is quite splendid" said Lily dreamily. Remus smiled.

"Yeah, it is."

**It was lit by thousands and thousands of candles that were floating in midair over four long tables, where the rest of the students were sitting. These tables were laid with glittering golden plates and goblets. At the top of the hall was another long table where the teachers were sitting. Professor McGonagall led the first years up here, so that they came to a halt in a line facing the other students, with the teachers behind them. The hundreds of faces staring at them looked like pale lanterns in the flickering candlelight. Dotted here and there among the students, the ghosts shone misty silver. Mainly to avoid all the staring eyes, Harry looked upward and saw a velvety black ceiling dotted with stars. He heard Hermione whisper, "It's bewitched to look like the sky outside. I read about it in **_**Hogwarts, A History**_**."**

"Is there anything she hasn't read?" Sirius grumbled.

"Hey!" protested Remus, wounded. "There's nothing wrong with _Hogwarts, A History_, I've read it like ten times!"

"Sure, Moony, sure."

**It was hard to believe there was a ceiling there at all, and that the Great Hall didn't simply open on to the heavens.**

**Harry quickly looked down again as Professor McGonagall silently placed a four-legged stool in front of the first years. On top of the stool she put a pointed wizard's hat. This hat was patched**

**and frayed and extremely dirty. Aunt Petunia wouldn't have let it in the house.**

**Maybe they had to try and get a rabbit out of it, Harry thought wildly, that seemed the sort of thing — **

James blinked. "What?"

"Muggle thing" replied Remus and Lily in unison.

**noticing that everyone in the hall was now staring at the hat, he stared at it, too. For a few seconds, there was complete silence. Then the hat twitched. A rip near the brim opened wide like a mouth — and the hat began to sing:**

"I think I'll just read it, if you'll excuse me" Peter muttered.

"_**Oh, you may not think I'm pretty,**_

_**But don't judge on what you see,**_

_**I'll eat myself if you can find**_

_**A smarter hat than me.**_

_**You can keep your bowlers black,**_

_**Your top hats sleek and tall,**_

_**For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat**_

_**And I can cap them all.**_

_**There's nothing hidden in your head**_

_**The Sorting Hat can't see,**_

"Which is sort of scary" said Remus, thinking about his own secrets that the stupid Hat had seen immediately, scaring eleven-year-old Remus Lupin out of his wits.

_**So try me on and I will tell you**_

_**Where you ought to be.**_

_**You might belong in Gryffindor,**_

_**Where dwell the brave at heart,**_

_**Their daring, nerve, and chivalry**_

_**Set Gryffindors apart;**_

"Yay!" cheered Peter, Sirius and James. Lily just rolled her eyes.

_**You might belong in Hufflepuff,**_

_**Where they are just and loyal,**_

_**Those patient Hufflepuffs are true**_

_**And unafraid of toil;**_

_**Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,**_

_**If you've a ready mind,**_

_**Where those of wit and learning,**_

_**Will always find their kind;**_

_**Or perhaps in Slytherin**_

_**You'll make your real friends,**_

_**Those cunning folk use any means**_

_**To achieve their ends.**_

_**So put me on! Don't be afraid !**_

_**And don't get in a flap!**_

_**You're in safe hands (though I have none)**_

_**For I'm a Thinking Cap!**_**"**

**The whole hall burst into applause as the hat finished its song. It bowed to each of the four tables and then became quite still again.**

"**So we've just got to try on the hat!" Ron whispered to Harry. "I'll kill Fred, he was going on about wrestling a troll."**

"He should have learned not to believe anything the twins tell him" James sniggered.

**Harry smiled weakly. Yes, trying on the hat was a lot better than having to do a spell, but he did wish they could have tried it on without everyone watching. The hat seemed to be asking rather a lot; Harry didn't feel brave or quick-witted or any of it at the moment. If only the hat had mentioned a House for people who felt a bit queasy, that would have been the one for him.**

"In that case everyone would end up there, wouldn't they?" Lily smiled. "Calm down, Harry. You'll be fine."

**Professor McGonagall now stepped forward holding a long roll of parchment.**

"**When I call your name, you will put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted," she said. "Abbott, Hannah!"**

**A pink-faced girl with blonde pigtails stumbled out of line, put on the hat, which fell right down over her eyes, and sat down. A moment's pause —**

"**HUFFLEPUFF!" shouted the hat.**

**The table on the right cheered and clapped as Hannah went to sit down at the Hufflepuff table. Harry saw the ghost of the Fat Friar waving merrily at her.**

"**Bones, Susan!"**

"**HUFFLEPUFF!" shouted the hat again, and Susan scuttled off to sit next to Hannah.**

"**Boot, Terry!"**

"**RAVENCLAW!"**

"Boot kicked arse" said Sirius randomly. Remus laughed and James howled with hilarity. Peter just grinned sheepishly at the interruption before continuing.

**The table second from the left clapped this time; several Ravenclaws stood up to shake hands with Terry as he joined them.**

"**Brocklehurst, Mandy" went to Ravenclaw too, but "Brown, Lavender" became the first new Gryffindor, and the table on the far left exploded with cheers; Harry could see Ron's twin brothers catcalling.**

"Yay, a Gryffindor!" cried Sirius, receiving an eyeroll from Remus.

"**Bulstrode, Millicent" then became a Slytherin. Perhaps it was Harry's imagination, after all he'd heard about Slytherin, but he thought they looked like an unpleasant lot. **

**He was starting to feel definitely sick now. He remembered being picked for teams during gym at his old school. He had always been last to be chosen, not because he was no good, but because no one wanted Dudley to think they liked him.**

"I'll put Dudley on a forced diet or something the moment I meet him" Lily grumbled.

"**Finch-Fletchley, Justin!"**

"**HUFFLEPUFF!"**

**Sometimes, Harry noticed, the hat shouted out the House at once, but at others it took a little while to decide. **

"**Finnigan, Seamus," the sandy-haired boy next to Harry in the line, sat on the stool for almost a whole minute before the hat declared him a Gryffindor.**

"**Granger, Hermione!"**

**Hermione almost ran to the stool and jammed the hat eagerly on her head.**

"**GRYFFINDOR!" shouted the hat. Ron groaned.**

"Ron's such a jerk" Lily frowned. "There's nothing wrong with Hermione. She's just a little… over-eager. He should give her a chance."

"I agree" Remus murmured.

"That's just because the two of you are know-it-alls just like her" Sirus said snidely.

Remus was quite good at aiming pillows without looking, he discovered.

**A horrible thought struck Harry, as horrible thoughts always do when you're very nervous. What if he wasn't chosen at all? What if he just sat there with the hat over his eyes for ages, until Professor McGonagall jerked it off his head and said there had obviously been a mistake and he'd better get back on the train?**

**When Neville Longbottom, the boy who kept losing his toad, **

"Oh!" said Lily. "He might be Alice and Frank's son then!"

"I'd bet on that" nodded Remus.

**was called, he fell over on his way to the stool. The hat took a long time to decide with Neville. When it finally shouted, "GRYFFINDOR," **

They all cheered.

**Neville ran off still wearing it, and had to jog back amid gales of laughter to give it to "MacDougal, Morag."**

**Malfoy swaggered forward when his name was called and got his wish at once: the hat had barely touched his head when it screamed, "SLYTHERIN!"**

"No surprise there" said Sirius acidly.

**Malfoy went to join his friends Crabbe and Goyle, looking pleased with himself.**

**There weren't many people left now.**

"**Moon" . . . , "Nott" . . . , "Parkinson" . . . , then a pair of twin girls, "Patil" and "Patil" . . . , then "Perks, Sally-Anne" . . . , and then, at last —**

"**Potter, Harry!"**

**As Harry stepped forward, whispers suddenly broke out like little hissing fires all over the hall.**

"**Potter, did she say?"**

"**The Harry Potter?"**

"Drop it" James huffed. "He's just a kid. Leave him alone."

"I never thought _you_ would be annoyed by your son's fame" Lily said, giggling. He scowled slightly, but looked happy at being addressed by her.

"Well, it gets boring after a while, I suppose."

**The last thing Harry saw before the hat dropped over his eyes was the hall full of people craning to get a good look at him. Next second he was looking at the black inside of the hat. He waited.**

"**Hmm," said a small voice in his ear. "Difficult. Very difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind either. There's talent, oh my goodness, yes — and a nice thirst to prove yourself, now that's interesting. . . . So where shall I put you?"**

**Harry gripped the edges of the stool and thought, Not Slytherin, not Slytherin.**

"**Not Slytherin, eh?" said the small voice. "Are you sure? You could be great, you know, its all here in your head, and Slytherin will help you on the way to greatness, no doubt about that – no?**

"What?" James shrieked. "My son in Slytherin? He wouldn't!"

"Would you not love him if he was in Slytherin?" Lily asked shrewdly, but her eyes were serious. James bit his lip.

"Er" he said, very eloquently. "I guess I wouldn't _hate_ him for it, he is my son after all, but I'd probably be disappointed." She nodded with slight approval, and he looked relieved.

**Well, if you're sure — better be GRYFFINDOR!"**

Had one passed across the Hogwarts grounds at that time, one would have wondered why there was such screaming and cheering coming from the Gryffindor Tower. But the only ones who heard it were the ones who made the noise, and they, obviously, didn't really care how loud they were.

**Harry heard the hat shout the last word to the whole hall. He took off the hat and walked shakily toward the Gryffindor table.**

**He was so relieved to have been chosen and not put in Slytherin, he hardly noticed that he was getting the loudest cheer yet. Percy the Prefect got up and shook his hand vigorously, while the Weasley twins yelled, "We got Potter! We got Potter!" Harry sat down opposite the ghost in the ruff he'd seen earlier. The ghost patted his arm, giving Harry the sudden, horrible feeling he'd just plunged it into a bucket of ice-cold water.**

"Eww" said Lily. "Hate the feeling." She was still smiling at her son being put in Gryffindor.

**He could see the High Table properly now. At the end nearest him sat Hagrid, who caught his eye and gave him the thumbs up. Harry grinned back. And there, in the center of the High Table, in a large gold chair, sat Albus Dumbledore. Harry recognized him at once from the card he'd gotten out of the Chocolate Frog on the train. Dumbledore's silver hair was the only thing in the whole hall that shone as brightly as the ghosts. Harry spotted Professor Quirrell, too, the nervous young man from the Leaky Cauldron. He was looking very peculiar in a large purple turban.**

"Odd choice of headwear" Remus mused. Sirius rolled his eyes.

**And now there were only four people left to be sorted. "Thomas, Dean," a Black boy even taller than Ron, joined Harry at the Gryffindor table. "Turpin, Lisa," became a Ravenclaw and then it**

**was Ron's turn. He was pale green by now. Harry crossed his fingers under the table and a second later the hat had shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!"**

Cheers, though not as loud as the ones for Harry, echoed through the empty common room.

**Harry clapped loudly with the rest as Ron collapsed into the chair next to him.**

"**Well done, Ron, excellent," said Percy Weasley pompously**

"Well done?" Lily huffed. "He didn't _do_ anything, precisely."

**across Harry as "Zabini, Blaise," was made a Slytherin. Professor McGonagall rolled up her scroll and took the Sorting Hat away.**

**Harry looked down at his empty gold plate. He had only just realized how hungry he was. The pumpkin pasties seemed ages ago.**

**Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there.**

"**Welcome!" he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! **

"Nice choice of words there, Professor" grinned Remus.

"**Thank you!"**

**He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered. Harry didn't know whether to laugh or not.**

"**Is he — a bit mad?" he asked Percy uncertainly.**

"**Mad?" said Percy airily. "He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Harry?"**

**Harry's mouth fell open. The dishes in front of him were now piled with food. He had never seen so many things he liked to eat on one table: roast beef, roast chicken, pork chops and lamb chops, sausages, bacon and steak, boiled potatoes, roast potatoes, fries, Yorkshire pudding, peas, carrots, gravy, ketchup, and, for some strange reason, peppermint humbugs.**

Sirius snatched two sandwiches from the plate on the table. "I'm starving!"

"You're always starving. It's a wonder you haven't died yet."

"Shut up, Moony."

**The Dursleys had never exactly starved Harry, but he'd never been allowed to eat as much as he liked. Dudley had always taken anything that Harry really wanted, even if it made him sick. Harry piled his plate with a bit of everything except the peppermints and began to eat. It was all delicious.**

"**That does look good," said the ghost in the ruff sadly, watching Harry cut up his steak.**

"**Can't you — ?"**

"**I haven't eaten for nearly five hundred years," said the ghost. "I don't need to, of course, but one does miss it. I don't think I've in troduced myself? Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington at your service. Resident ghost of Gryffindor Tower."**

"**I know who you are!" said Ron suddenly. "My brothers told me about you — you're Nearly Headless Nick!"**

"**I would prefer you to call me Sir Nicholas de Mimsy —" the ghost began stiffly, but sandy-haired Seamus Finnigan interrupted.**

"**Nearly Headless? How can you be nearly headless?"**

Lily groaned. "There's _always_ some maniac asking that question!"

**Sir Nicholas looked extremely miffed, as if their little chat wasn't going at all the way he wanted.**

"**Like this," he said irritably. He seized his left ear and pulled. His whole head swung off his neck and fell onto his shoulder as if it was on a hinge. Someone had obviously tried to behead him, but not done it properly. Looking pleased at the stunned looks on their faces, Nearly Headless Nick flipped his head back onto his neck, coughed, and said, "So — new Gryffindors! I hope you're going to help us win the House Championship this year? Gryffindors have never gone so long without winning. Slytherins have got the cup six years in a row! **

"EWW!" James shouted. "Six years in a row? What kind of crap has the Gryffindors been doing?"

"That is rather awful" Remus agreed, frowning. "I hope Harry changes the trend."

"Of course he will!" said Sirius. "Harry's awesome!"

**The Bloody Baron's becoming almost unbearable — he's the Slytherin ghost."**

**Harry looked over at the Slytherin table and saw a horrible ghost sitting there, with blank staring eyes, a gaunt face, and robes stained with silver blood. He was right next to Malfoy who, Harry was pleased to see, didn't look too pleased with the seating arrangements.**

"Good."

"**How did he get covered in blood?" asked Seamus with great interest. **

"**I've never asked," said Nearly Headless Nick delicately.**

**When everyone had eaten as much as they could, the remains of the food faded from the plates, leaving them sparkling clean as before. A moment later the desserts appeared. Blocks of ice cream in every flavor you could think of, apple pies, treacle tarts, chocolate éclairs and jam doughnuts, trifle, strawberries, Jell-O, rice pudding. . .**

Sirius released a second loud groan and Remus scowled.

**As Harry helped himself to a treacle tart, the talk turned to their families.**

"**I'm half-and-half," said Seamus. "Me dad's a Muggle. Mom didn't tell him she was a witch 'til after they were married. Bit of a nasty shock for him."**

**The others laughed.**

"**What about you, Neville?" said Ron.**

"**Well, my gran brought me up and she's a witch," said Neville, **

"Now wait just one second!" Lily interrupted, eyes widening in horror. "Where's Alice and Frank? Has something happened to them? Oh my God…"

James put an arm around her shoulders, looking like someone holding a ticking bomb in their lap, but she just leaned into him, looking pale and shocked. Remus frowned. He liked Alice a lot; she was bubbly and kind, and he knew she was one of Lily's best friends.

"I hope they're alright" he said quietly. "It seems the future isn't so great after all."

"We'll have to change it" Lily breathed, still looking horrified. James was rubbing her back with an expression of both bliss and sorrow. "We'll have to change it, they can't die, we can't let anything happen to them!"

"Shh" said James. "We'll… we'll save everyone we can if the books give us enough information, Lily."

She looked up, only now realizing she was leaning against the chest of James Potter himself.

"Thank you, James" she said, her voice somewhat astonished as she pulled away slightly. He smiled. To Remus' relief, it wasn't the stupid cocky smile he usually used around Lily. Good. Perhaps they had a chance after all.

"**but the family thought I was all-Muggle for ages. My Great Uncle Algie kept trying to catch me off my guard and force some magic out of me — he pushed me off the end of Blackpool pier once, I nearly drowned — **

"What kind of idiot does that?" scoffed Lily.

**but nothing happened until I was eight. Great Uncle Algie came round for dinner, and he was hanging me out of an upstairs window by the ankles **

"Oh Merlin" muttered Remus.

**when my Great Auntie Enid offered him a meringue and he accidentally let go. But I bounced — all the way down the garden and into the road. They were all really pleased, Gran was crying, she was so happy. And you should have seen their faces when I got in here — they thought I might not be magic enough to come, you see. Great Uncle Algie was so pleased he bought me my toad."**

Sirius scoffed. "Such a great gift."

"Poor Neville" said Lily sadly. "I hope Harry becomes friends with him."

James grinned. "I'm sure he will, they're both in Gryffindor, they'll be sharing dormitories, most probably."

**On Harry's other side, Percy Weasley and Hermione were talking about lessons ("I do hope they start right away, there's so much to learn, I'm particularly interested in Transfiguration, you know, turning something into something else, of course, it's supposed to be very difficult —"; "You'll be starting small, just matches into needles and that sort of thing —").**

"She likes Transfiguration!" James beamed. "She's great!"

"Just because someone likes your favourite subject doesn't mean you have to get all chummy with them" Sirius muttered.

**Harry, who was starting to feel warm and sleepy, looked up at the High Table again. Hagrid was drinking deeply from his goblet. Professor McGonagall was talking to Professor Dumbledore. Professor Quirrell, in his absurd turban, was talking to a teacher with greasy black hair, a hooked nose, and sallow skin.**

The Marauders shared a look full of horror, and Lily looked surprised.

**It happened very suddenly. The hook-nosed teacher looked past Quirrell's turban straight into Harry's eyes — and a sharp, hot pain shot across the scar on Harry's forehead.**

"What?" cried Lily. "What's wrong with him? Harry!"

"**Ouch!" Harry clapped a hand to his head.**

"**What is it?" asked Percy.**

"**N-nothing."**

**The pain had gone as quickly as it had come. Harder to shake off was the feeling Harry had gotten from the teachers look — a feeling that he didn't like Harry at all.**

James looked sheepish. "Oh. I guess that's my fault, if that is who I think it is."

"It bloody well is!" snapped Lily, going from fear to anger in the blink of an eye. "If you weren't such a bloody jerk to him…"

"I'm sorry, okay?"

"Sorry isn't enough, Potter!"

"**Who's that teacher talking to Professor Quirrell?" he asked Percy.**

"**Oh, you know Quirrell already, do you? No wonder he's looking so nervous, that's Professor Snape. **

Remus bit his lip, frowning.

"I'm happy for him" he said at last. "He's smart. He could be a good teacher if he wanted to." Sirius gave him a disgusted look, which Remus promptly ignored.

**He teaches Potions, but he doesn't want to — everyone knows he's after Quirrell's job. Knows an awful lot about the Dark Arts, Snape."**

**Harry watched Snape for a while, but Snape didn't look at him again.**

**At last, the desserts too disappeared, and Professor Dumbledore got to his feet again. The hall fell silent.**

"**Ahem — just a few more words now that we are all fed and watered. I have a few start-of-term notices to give you.**

"**First years should note that the forest on the grounds is forbidden to all pupils. And a few of our older students would do well to remember that as well."**

**Dumbledore's twinkling eyes flashed in the direction of the Weasley twins.**

"Someone's taken your place, I see" Lily smirked at the four boys.

"**I have also been asked by Mr. Filch, the caretaker, to remind you all that no magic should be used between classes in the corridors.**

"Because that always works out so well" said Sirius sarcastically.

"**Quidditch trials will be held in the second week of the term. Anyone interested in playing for their House teams should contact Madam Hooch.**

James cheered, gaining a few rolled eyes and an admiring look from Peter.

"**And finally, I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death."**

"What's that?" Remus asked, perking up. "He's never said anything like that before. Why would they keep something dangerous in a school full of students?"

"Harry better keep away from that corridor" Lily said dangerously.

**Harry laughed, but he was one of the few who did.**

"**He's not serious?" he muttered to Percy.**

"Nope, that's m- oomph!"

Remus smiled in satisfaction. His pillow aim was still good.

"**Must be," said Percy, frowning at Dumbledore. "It's odd, because he usually gives us a reason why we're not allowed to go somewhere — the forest's full of dangerous beasts, everyone knows**

**that. I do think he might have told us prefects, at least."**

"**And now, before we go to bed, let us sing the school song!" cried Dumbledore. Harry noticed that the other teachers' smiles had become rather fixed.**

"Can't imagine why" said Sirius, removing the pillow from his face as though it was nothing at all. "I love the school song!"

**Dumbledore gave his wand a little flick, as if he was trying to get a fly off the end, and a long golden ribbon flew out of it, which rose high above the tables and twisted itself, snakelike, into words.**

"**Everyone pick their favorite tune," said Dumbledore, "and off we go!"**

**And the school bellowed:**

And James and Sirius bellowed with them, relieving Peter of the chore to read it.

"_**Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,**_

_**Teach us something please,**_

_**Whether we be old and bald**_

_**Or young with scabby knees,**_

_**Our heads could do with filling**_

_**With some interesting stuff,**_

_**For now they're bare and full of air,**_

_**Dead flies and bits of fluff,**_

_**So teach us things worth knowing,**_

_**Bring back what we've forgot,**_

_**Just do your best, we'll do the rest,**_

_**And learn until our brains all rot.**_**"**

Beaming, the two animaguses high-fived and laughed. Remus rolled his eyes, but couldn't help smiling.

"Can I keep reading now?" Peter asked, giving the two noisy friends an envious look.

**Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march. Dumbledore conducted their last few lines with his wand and when they had finished, he was one of those who clapped loudest.**

"**Ah, music," he said, wiping his eyes. "A magic beyond all we do here! And now, bedtime. Off you trot!"**

**The Gryffindor first years followed Percy through the chattering crowds, out of the Great Hall, and up the marble staircase. Harry's legs were like lead again, but only because he was so tired and full of food. He was too sleepy even to be surprised that the people in the portraits along the corridors whispered and pointed as they passed, or that twice Percy led them through doorways hidden behind sliding panels and hanging tapestries. They climbed more staircases, yawning and dragging their feet, and Harry was just wondering how much farther they had to go when they came to a sudden halt.**

**A bundle of walking sticks was floating in midair ahead of them, and as Percy took a step toward them they started throwing themselves at him.**

"Peeves" grinned Sirius.

"**Peeves," Percy whispered to the first years. "A poltergeist." He raised his voice, "Peeves — show yourself."**

**A loud, rude sound, like the air being let out of a balloon, answered.**

"**Do you want me to go to the Bloody Baron?"**

"Don't pull the Bloody Baron card already!" Remus huffed. "He won't take you seriously if you use it all the time."

**There was a pop, and a little man with wicked, dark eyes and a wide mouth appeared, floating cross-legged in the air, clutching the walking sticks.**

"**Oooooooh!" he said, with an evil cackle. "Ickle Firsties! What fun!"**

**He swooped suddenly at them. They all ducked.**

"**Go away, Peeves, or the Baron'll hear about this, I mean it!" barked Percy.**

"How annoying it must be for the Baron to have to hear about every misdeed Peeves does" Lily said thoughtfully. "I mean, he must feel like such a babysitter."

**Peeves stuck out his tongue and vanished, dropping the walking sticks on Neville's head. They heard him zooming away, rattling coats of armor as he passed.**

"**You want to watch out for Peeves," said Percy, as they set off again. "The Bloody Baron's the only one who can control him, he won't even listen to us prefects. Here we are."**

**At the very end of the corridor hung a portrait of a very fat woman in a pink silk dress.**

"**Password?" she said.**

"**Caput Draconis," said Percy, **

"Why do they always have such boring passwords?" Sirius said.

"Because those who choose the passwords are more mature than you are" Lily said, smirking.

"That burned, Evans, it really did."

**and the portrait swung forward to reveal a round hole in the wall. **

**They all scrambled through it — Neville needed a leg up — and found themselves in the Gryffindor common room, a cozy, round room full of squashy armchairs. Percy directed the girls through one door to their dormitory and the boys through another. At the top of a spiral staircase — they were obviously in one of the towers — they found their beds at last: five four-posters hung with deep red, velvet curtains. Their trunks had already been brought up. Too tired to talk much, they pulled on their pajamas and fell into bed.**

"**Great food, isn't it?" Ron muttered to Harry through the hangings. "Get **_**off**_**, Scabbers! He's chewing my sheets."**

**Harry was going to ask Ron if he'd had any of the treacle tart, but he fell asleep almost at once.**

Lily smacked her lips. "Treacle tart is lovely!"

**Perhaps Harry had eaten a bit too much, because he had a very strange dream. He was wearing Professor Quirrell's turban, which kept talking to him, telling him he must transfer to Slytherin at once, because it was his destiny. Harry told the turban he didn't want to be in Slytherin; it got heavier and heavier; he tried to pull it off but it tightened painfully — and there was Malfoy, laughing at him as he struggled with it — then Malfoy turned into the hook-nosed teacher, Snape, whose laugh became high and cold — there was a burst of green light and Harry woke, sweating and shaking.**

"Must he have such creepy dreams?" muttered James. "And does that mean he connects Snape with Voldemort? I've always thought old Snapey looks like a Death Eater in training…"

"Shut it, Potter" Lily snapped. "Don't be such a prejudiced git!"

"Keep in mind that you're saying that in defence of the prejudiced git who called you a mudblood" said Sirius. Lily scowled.

"It doesn't matter" she said. "Leave Severus alone. He probably just connected it because his scar hurt."

**He rolled over and fell asleep again, and when he woke next day, he didn't remember the dream at all.**

"Lucky him" muttered Remus.

"End of chapter" Peter squeaked. "Whose turn is it to read?"

"I'll take it" said Lily. "Chapter Eight, 'The Potions Master'."


	9. Guilt Trip Master

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm so sorry for not updating in forever! School started days after I posted the last chapter, and with everything going on I just couldn't find the inspiration. I wrote about half of this chapter, then I decided it sucked, and I thought I'd start over when I got the time, but I decided not to. Eh, long explanation there. I decided that I'd write this one sort of out of Lily's point of view, but I'm not really that happy with it; it feels a bit repetitive or something like that. If you disagree, do tell me in a review, it'd make my day ;)_

_DISCLAIMER: Nooooothing belongs to me. Nothing at all. It belongs to its owner, who isn't me, so… yeah. The parts in bold, that you probably recognize, are quoted directly from J.K. Rowling's amazing works. Please don't sue me, I have a total of 174.50 SEK on my bank account…_

**-CHAPTER NINE-**

**-Guilt Trip Master-**

Lily cleared her throat pointedly. This would be interesting.

"Looks like you get the chapter about Severus" said Remus idly. Potter scowled.

"Why does he get his own chapter and we're just mentioned in passing? It hasn't even mentioned you or Padfoot, Moony."

"Shut it, Potter" Lily snapped. "And what's with those nicknames anyway?"

"Marauder secret" he said, but she could see he looked distinctly uncomfortable all of a sudden. Hm, interesting.

"**There, look."**

"**Where?"**

"**Next to the tall kid with the red hair."**

"**Wearing the glasses?"**

"**Did you see his face?"**

"**Did you see his scar?"**

"That has _got_ to be annoying" said Black. "And don't be all surprised I'd say no to fame. I'm not _that_ vain, Evans."

She rolled her eyes. "Sure you're not, Black."

**Whispers followed Harry from the moment he left his dormitory the next day. People lining up outside classrooms stood on tiptoe to get a look at him, or doubled back to pass him in the corridors again, staring. Harry wished they wouldn't, because he was trying to concentrate on finding his way to classes.**

"Oh yeah" said Pettigrew in his squeaky voice. "It was really hard the first week!"

"What are you talking about?" huffed Black. "Prongs and I were right there to guide you!"

"Yeah, and then you _had_ to try that spell you heard Moony use once, and you locked me in a cupboard!"

"It was an accident!"

"With the sheep?"

"They were not sheep, they were small llamas!"

"I know what a sheep looks like!"

"Clearly you don't because they weren't sheep!"

"Shut it, both of you" Remus snapped. "I have never given anyone any spells to conjure sheep alternatively llamas, so shut it."

**There were a hundred and forty-two staircases at Hogwarts: **

"Did he really count them?" asked Remus, frowning. "I've never cared to know the exact amount."

"Maybe just one of those random trivia rumours that the ghosts like to tell you whenever you're lost and they don't feel like helping you" Lily shrugged.

**wide, sweeping ones; narrow, rickety ones; some that led somewhere different on a Friday; some with a vanishing step halfway up that you had to remember to jump. Then there were doors that wouldn't open unless you asked politely, or tickled them in exactly the right place, and doors that weren't really doors at all, but solid walls just pretending.**

"Which is good to know if you're planning to throw yourself dramatically into the classroom and happened to pick the wrong door."

"Speaking from experience, Potter?"

He blushed. It was pretty cute.

… she felt like slapping herself.

**It was also very hard to remember where anything was, because it all seemed to move around a lot. The people in the portraits kept going to visit each other, and Harry was sure the coats of armor could walk.**

"They can" Remus smiled. "I ran into one. They only move when they think no one's looking. Unfortunately, so do I, at least when I'm sneaking around after curfew."

"Remus!" Lily cried. "You creep around too? I thought you were the responsible one!"

"He is" defended Potter. "He's loads more responsible than the rest of us, but he does sneak around. He just is too awesome to ever get caught."

Remus blushed, and Lily smiled despite herself. She liked her fellow prefect the best among the Marauders. It wasn't some secret romance or anything (Lord knows Potter would have killed poor Remus with his bare hands, the great jerk), but they shared a lot of interests, and liked to discuss books together. However, he was annoyingly all-knowing when it came to her grudging feelings for Potter… now wait just one second. What feelings? She had no feelings for the git except maybe pity and rage. Yup.

Lily felt right back to normal again. Perhaps Remus' mysterious illness was contagious and had caused a momentary fever in her left frontal lobe or something. That must be it, surely.

**The ghosts didn't help, either. It was always a nasty shock when one of them glided suddenly through a door you were trying to open. Nearly Headless Nick was always happy to point new Gryffindors in the right direction, but Peeves the Poltergeist was worth two locked doors and a trick staircase if you met him when you were late for class. **

**He would drop wastepaper baskets on your head, pull rugs from under your feet, pelt you with bits of chalk, or sneak up behind you, invisible, grab your nose, and screech, "GOT YOUR CONK!"**

"Annoying little monster" Lily grumbled before continuing. "Making my son late for class."

**Even worse than Peeves, if that was possible, was the caretaker, Argus Filch. Harry and Ron managed to get on the wrong side of him on their very first morning. **

"Impressive!" smirked Black, waggling his eyebrows in a thoroughly stupid way.

**Filch found them trying to force their way through a door that unluckily turned out to be the entrance to the out-of-bounds corridor on the third floor. **

"See?" said Potter sagely, hair standing on end. "It's easy to pick the wrong door."

**He wouldn't believe they were lost, was sure they were trying to break into it on purpose, and was threatening to lock them in the dungeons when they were rescued by Professor Quirrell, who was passing.**

"Go Professor Quirrell!" cheered Black and Potter in their annoying unison routine. In the beginning, it had been impressive, but after seven thousand and three times, it was pretty annoying. Lily rolled her eyes.

**Filch owned a cat called Mrs. Norris, a scrawny, dust-colored creature with bulging, lamplike eyes just like Filch's. **

"I see he got a new cat after old Mrs. Paws kicked the bucket" said Black with an unusual amount of distaste. Probably Mrs. Paws had peed on his dragonhide boots or something like that. Why was she even thinking about this?

**She patrolled the corridors alone. Break a rule in front of her, put just one toe out of line, and she'd whisk off for Filch, who'd appear, wheezing, two seconds later. Filch knew the secret passageways of the school better than anyone (except perhaps the Weasley twins) and could pop up as suddenly as any of the ghosts. The students all hated him, and it was the dearest ambition of many to give Mrs. Norris a good kick.**

**And then, once you had managed to find them, there were the classes themselves. There was a lot more to magic, as Harry quickly found out, than waving your wand and saying a few funny words.**

"I'm afraid it isn't that easy, Harry" said Lily wistfully.

**They had to study the night skies through their telescopes every Wednesday at midnight and learn the names of different stars and the movements of the planets. Three times a week they went out to the greenhouses behind the castle to study Herbology, with a dumpy little witch called Professor Sprout, where they learned how to take care of all the strange plants and fungi, and found out what they were used for.**

"Herbology is nice!" squeaked Pettigrew, his double chin wobbling slightly with approval. "Professor Sprout is great too." Black opened his mouth, a sort of evil look in his eyes, but Potter elbowed him, to Lily's slight surprise. Since when did Potter actually stop Black whenever he looked to be planning something? He was now ignoring the glare levelled at him, instead smiling at Pettigrew.

"You're great at it too, Pete" he said.

**Easily the most boring class was History of Magic, which was the only one taught by a ghost. Professor Binns had been very old indeed when he had fallen asleep in front of the staff room fire and got up next morning to teach, leaving his body behind him. **

"Binns continues teaching even after his death?" Remus sighed. "The subject is doomed forever, then."

**Binns droned on and on while they scribbled down names and dates, and got Emeric the Evil and Uric the Oddball mixed up.**

"Those are completely different" Lily protested. "Emeric the Evil was…"

"Yeah, we get it, go on, Evans."

She gave the offending Black sheep a glare for good measure; she knew very well he didn't care.

**Professor Flitwick, the Charms teacher, was a tiny little wizard who had to stand on a pile of books to see over his desk. At the start of their first class he took the roll call, and when he reached Harry's name he gave an excited squeak and toppled out of sight.**

Remus chuckled. "Good old Flitwick."

**Professor McGonagall was again different. Harry had been quite right to think she wasn't a teacher to cross. Strict and clever, she gave them a talking-to the moment they sat down in her first class.**

"**Transfiguration is some of the most complex and dangerous magic you will learn at Hogwarts," she said. "Anyone messing around in my class will leave and not come back. You have been warned."**

**Then she changed her desk into a pig and back again. They were all very impressed and couldn't wait to get started, but soon realized they weren't going to be changing the furniture into animals for a long time. **

"Why does she do that, really?" Potter asked, raising an eyebrow. "It just made me sort of disappointed when she made us do that match-thing immediately after that."

"I guess she wants to create some interest and drive in her subject."

"Moony, it was a rhetorical question!"

**After taking a lot of complicated notes, they were each given a match and started trying to turn it into a needle. By the end of the lesson, only Hermione Granger had made any difference to**

**her match; Professor McGonagall showed the class how it had gone all silver and pointy and gave Hermione a rare smile.**

"It isn't that rare" said Potter in a puzzled tone. "I get it all the time."

"Because you're a bloody transfiguration genius or whatever, duh" Lily snapped. "Now let me read!"

**The class everyone had really been looking forward to was Defense Against the Dark Arts, but Quirrell's lessons turned out to be a bit of a joke. His classroom smelled strongly of garlic, which everyone said was to ward off a vampire he'd met in Romania and was afraid would be coming back to get him one of these days. **

"And he's supposed to be a role model for his students" Lily scoffed.

**His turban, he told them, had been given to him by an African prince as a thank-you for getting rid of a troublesome zombie, but they weren't sure they believed this story. **

"Well, that's nice" Black sniggered. "'Here, you saved me from this zombie! As thanks, you get this awesome… turban.'"

**For one thing, when Seamus Finnigan asked eagerly to hear how Quirrell had fought off the zombie, Quirrell went pink and started talking about the weather; **

"Convincing" Potter said, rolling his eyes a little too enthusiastically; he looked as though he was about to have some sort of seizure.

**for another, they had noticed that a funny smell hung around the turban, and the Weasley twins insisted that it was stuffed full of garlic as well, so that Quirrell was protected wherever he went.**

**Harry was very relieved to find out that he wasn't miles behind everyone else. Lots of people had come from Muggle families and, like him, hadn't had any idea that they were witches and wizards. There was so much to learn that even people like Ron didn't have much of a head start.**

"That's how it always is" said Remus, smiling. "It's good, it makes it less unfair. Everything begins from the beginning, which is great."

"True" Lily agreed. "The first-years are pretty uneven in experience, after all. It'd be chaos if they tried to begin anywhere but at the beginning."

"Yeah, yeah" Black scoffed. "Now turn your freckly nose back to the book, Evans, or I'll glue it there."

"Shut it, Sirius" Potter protested immediately. Lily smiled.

… at Potter? POTTER? She shook her head, smile turning to a scowl. Clearly, she was still having some sort of hallucinations.

**Friday was an important day for Harry and Ron. They finally managed to find their way down to the Great Hall for breakfast without getting lost once.**

"A great day, to be sure!" peeped Pettigrew eagerly.

"**What have we got today?" Harry asked Ron as he poured sugar on his porridge.**

"**Double Potions with the Slytherins," said Ron. "Snape's Head of Slytherin House. They say he always favors them — we'll be able to see if it's true."**

Lily frowned.

"**Wish McGonagall favored us," said Harry. Professor McGonagall was head of Gryffindor House, but it hadn't stopped her from giving them a huge pile of homework the day before.**

"As if it ever would."

**Just then, the mail arrived. Harry had gotten used to this by now, but it had given him a bit of a shock on the first morning, when about a hundred owls had suddenly streamed into the Great Hall during breakfast, circling the tables until they saw their owners, and dropping letters and packages onto their laps.**

"Better hope they have a good aim" Remus said solemnly, the corners of his mouth twitching. "Unlike poor Popples."

"Who is Popples?" Lily asked, pretty sure something entertaining would come out of the answer.

"Oh, he's James' parents owl" said Remus, grinning when Potter made several frantic gestures to make him shut up. "He drops the packages on his head every single time he's delivering something. I think you'd like him."

"Of course I would!" Lily giggled. "He's practically doing my job for me!"

**Hedwig hadn't brought Harry anything so far. She sometimes flew in to nibble his ear and have a bit of toast before going off to sleep in the owlery with the other school owls. This morning, however, she fluttered down between the marmalade and the sugar bowl and dropped a note onto Harry's plate. Harry tore it open at once. It said, in a very untidy scrawl:**

_**Dear Harry,**_

_**I know you get Friday afternoons off so would you like to come and have a cup of tea with me around three?**_

_**I want to hear all about your first week. Send us an answer back with Hedwig.**_

_**Hagrid**_

**Harry borrowed Ron's quill, scribbled **_**Yes, please, see you later**_** on the back of the note, and sent Hedwig off again.**

"Good old Hagrid" said Potter, who was still red in the face from Remus' 'embarrassing revelation'. Lily just rolled her eyes at him; how could one with a head so swollen be sensitive about a head-knocking owl?

**It was lucky that Harry had tea with Hagrid to look forward to, because the Potions lesson turned out to be the worst thing that had happened to him so far.**

Lily bit her lip, but said nothing.

**At the start-of-term banquet, Harry had gotten the idea that Professor Snape disliked him. By the end of the first Potions lesson, he knew he'd been wrong. Snape didn't dislike Harry — he hated him.**

"Oh damn" Black grumbled.

**Potions lessons took place down in one of the dungeons. It was colder here than up in the main castle, and would have been quite creepy enough without the pickled animals floating in glass jars all around the walls.**

**Snape, like Flitwick, started the class by taking the roll call, and like Flitwick, he paused at Harry's name.**

"**Ah, yes," he said softly, "Harry Potter. Our new — celebrity."**

"I can already tell this is not going to end well" muttered Potter.

"Amazing powers of observation!" Lily snarled. "Shut it."

**Draco Malfoy and his friends Crabbe and Goyle sniggered behind their hands. Snape finished calling the names and looked up at the class. His eyes were black like Hagrid's, but they had none of Hagrid's warmth. They were cold and empty and made you think of dark tunnels.**

Remus made a sound, and Lily looked up to see him frowning as well.

"That doesn't sound like him" he said, as a way of explanation. "I could say many things about Severus but I wouldn't say his eyes are _empty_." She nodded, chewing her lower lip. Just because Severus had not been her friend since _that day_, it didn't mean she didn't care about him.

Meanwhile, Potter and Black were making constipated faces. She showed them her appreciation by means of a swift kick to the shins. They both hissed in pain. Good.

"**You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potionmaking," he began. He spoke in barely more than a whisper, but they caught every word — like Professor McGonagall, Snape had the gift of keeping a class silent without effort. "As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses. . . . I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death — if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach."**

Remus smiled. "That's actually a good speech."

"Moony!" wailed Black. "Betrayal to the Marauder cause!"

"Oh, go eat a dead flobberworm, Blackie" Lily huffed. "Honestly."

**More silence followed this little speech. Harry and Ron exchanged looks with raised eyebrows. Hermione Granger was on the edge of her seat and looked desperate to start proving that she wasn't a dunderhead.**

"**Potter!" said Snape suddenly. "What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"**

"It's his _first_ class!" Lily protested, glaring at the pages of the book. "Severus, what do you think you are doing?"

**Powdered root of what to an infusion of what? Harry glanced at Ron, who looked as stumped as he was; Hermione's hand had shot into the air.**

"**I don't know, sir," said Harry.**

**Snape's lips curled into a sneer.**

"**Tut, tut — fame clearly isn't everything."**

Potter raised his eyebrows. Lily growled.

**He ignored Hermione's hand.**

"**Let's try again. Potter, where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?"**

"Why is he doing this?" Lily whispered, anger turning to sadness. "This is _my_ son, Severus, what's wrong with you?"

**Hermione stretched her hand as high into the air as it would go without her leaving her seat, but Harry didn't have the faintest idea what a bezoar was. He tried not to look at Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle, who were shaking with laughter.**

"**I don't know, sir."**

"**Thought you wouldn't open a book before coming, eh, Potter?"**

**Harry forced himself to keep looking straight into those cold eyes. He had looked through his books at the Dursleys', but did Snape expect him to remember everything in **_**One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi**_**?**

**Snape was still ignoring Hermione's quivering hand.**

Remus huffed. "That's rude."

"Also, that's not the major problem!" Potter cried. "He's antagonizing my son!"

"**What is the difference, Potter, between monkshood and wolfsbane?"**

**At this, Hermione stood up, her hand stretching toward the dungeon ceiling.**

"**I don't know," said Harry quietly. "I think Hermione does, though, why don't you try her?"**

**A few people laughed; Harry caught Seamus's eye, and Seamus winked. Snape, however, was not pleased.**

"He wouldn't be" Pettigrew said, with an unusual amount of insight. "I don't think he'd like being cheeked by a student."

"**Sit down," he snapped at Hermione. "For your information, Potter, asphodel and wormwood make a sleeping potion so powerful it is known as the Draught of Living Death. A bezoar is a stone taken from the stomach of a goat and it will save you from most poisons. As for monkshood and wolfsbane, they are the same plant, which also goes by the name of aconite. Well? Why aren't you all copying that down?"**

"Because you didn't tell them to" Lily huffed, so upset tears were starting to gather in her eyes. "Why is he being such an arse? I don't understand!"

**There was a sudden rummaging for quills and parchment. Over the noise, Snape said, "And a point will be taken from Gryffindor House for your cheek, Potter."**

**Things didn't improve for the Gryffindors as the Potions lesson continued. Snape put them all into pairs and set them to mixing up a simple potion to cure boils. He swept around in his long black cloak, watching them weigh dried nettles and crush snake fangs, criticizing almost everyone except Malfoy, whom he seemed to like. He was just telling everyone to look at the perfect way Malfoy had stewed his horned slugs when clouds of acid green smoke and a loud hissing filled the dungeon. Neville had somehow managed to melt Seamus's cauldron into a twisted blob, and their potion was seeping across the stone floor, burning holes in people's shoes. Within seconds, the whole class was standing on their stools while Neville, who had been drenched in the potion when the cauldron collapsed, moaned in pain as angry red boils sprang up all over his arms and legs.**

"Poor Neville" grimaced Remus.

"**Idiot boy!" snarled Snape, clearing the spilled potion away with one wave of his wand. "I suppose you added the porcupine quills before taking the cauldron off the fire?"**

"Uncalled for!" Lily snarled, glaring at the book in her hands. She didn't like this Severus of the future.

**Neville whimpered as boils started to pop up all over his nose.**

"**Take him up to the hospital wing," Snape spat at Seamus. Then he rounded on Harry and Ron, who had been working next to Neville.**

"**You — Potter — why didn't you tell him not to add the quills? Thought he'd make you look good if he got it wrong, did you? That's another point you've lost for Gryffindor."**

"Shut up, Snivellus!" James said angrily, jumping to his feet. "He's such an idiot!"

Lily swelled like an angry bull frog as something finally clicked in her mind. "No, _you_ shut up, you bastard! This is your entire fault anyway!"

He staggered backwards, nearly falling over his chair. "My fault?"

"Yes, it bloody well is your fault!" she shrieked. "If you and your stupid little posse hadn't made fun of him every single bloody day in history, he would not be treating Harry like that! So yes, it is your fault!"

Remus stood up as well, placing himself between the two of them, in front of Lily's wand. When had she gotten her wand out? Or forget that, when did she _stand up_?

"Lily…"

"Don't you 'Lily' me, Lupin!" she snapped.

"Don't you 'Lupin' me, Evans" he said, and his voice was cold enough to make her stop in her tracks. "Are we going to keep reading this and see how we can make the future better, or are you just going to ignore me as I'm apparently just a part of this 'stupid little posse' anyway?"

She blushed, but he made a valid point, of course. As always. Stupid all-knowing Remus Lupin!

"I resent that remark. Also, 'stupid' and 'all-knowing' are kind of an oxymoron."

Oh, did she say it out loud? Nice. He didn't look offended though, only amused in his stupid all-knowing way. Stupid, stupid.

"Right" she said, rather sheepishly; he seemed to have effectively jolted her out of her fury. "Er, let's keep reading then. Yes."

She sat down, picking the book back up and pretending she didn't hear Black snigger obnoxiously while Potter sat down, looking rather shaky from nearly being subjected to the Evans Temper™. Oh heck, since when did she even use that phrase?

**This was so unfair that Harry opened his mouth to argue, but Ron kicked him behind their cauldron.**

"**Don't push it," he muttered, "I've heard Snape can turn very nasty."**

Potter looked as though he kind of wanted to comment something, but Lily gave him a glare furious enough to burn through a cliff, and he, wisely, kept his mouth shut.

"Whipped" mouthed Black. Annoying toerag. She glared at him too.

**As they climbed the steps out of the dungeon an hour later, Harry's mind was racing and his spirits were low. He'd lost two points for Gryffindor in his very first week — why did Snape hate him so much?**

"**Cheer up," said Ron, "Snape's always taking points off Fred and George. Can I come and meet Hagrid with you?"**

"Ron is a good friend" said Remus, smiling and breaking the awkward silence. "Harry should be happy to have him."

**At five to three they left the castle and made their way across the grounds. Hagrid lived in a small wooden house on the edge of the forbidden forest. A crossbow and a pair of galoshes were outside the front door.**

**When Harry knocked they heard a frantic scrabbling from inside and several booming barks. Then Hagrid's voice rang out, saying,**

"**Back, Fang — back."**

"Fang?" Lily said, chewing her lip. "Sounds pretty dangerous if it's some sort of pet."

"He wouldn't be" said Potter, braving her glare. "Hagrid always names the harmless ones really fierce names."

**Hagrid's big, hairy face appeared in the crack as he pulled the door open.**

"**Hang on," he said. "Back, Fang."**

**He let them in, struggling to keep a hold on the collar of an enormous black boarhound.**

"See?" said Potter. "Dogs aren't that dangerous."

"They could be!" protested Black. "Dogs are fierce and brave and dangerous!"

"Sure they are, Sirius, sure they are."

**There was only one room inside. Hams and pheasants were hanging from the ceiling, a copper kettle was boiling on the open fire, and in the corner stood a massive bed with a patchwork quilt over it.**

"**Make yerselves at home," said Hagrid, letting go of Fang, who bounded straight at Ron and started licking his ears. Like Hagrid, Fang was clearly not as fierce as he looked.**

"Then he was a very un-doggish dog!" Black insisted. "Dogs are fierce!"

"**This is Ron," Harry told Hagrid, who was pouring boiling water into a large teapot and putting rock cakes onto a plate.**

"**Another Weasley, eh?" said Hagrid, glancing at Ron's freckles. "I spent half me life chasin' yer twin brothers away from the forest."**

"Must be pretty annoying to have so many siblings who outshine you all the time" commented Pettigrew wisely.

**The rock cakes were shapeless lumps with raisins that almost broke their teeth, **

Remus' mouth twitched a little. "Well" he said gravely, "they are called _rock_ cakes…"

**but Harry and Ron pretended to be enjoying them as they told Hagrid all about their first lessons. Fang rested his head on Harry's knee and drooled all over his robes.**

**Harry and Ron were delighted to hear Hagrid call Filch "that old git'', "An' as fer that cat, Mrs. Norris, I'd like ter introduce her to Fang sometime. D'yeh know, every time I go up ter the school, she follows me everywhere? Can't get rid of her — Filch puts her up to it."**

"Stupid cat" Black huffed. "Any dog would kick its arse."

"Yeah, shut it now."

"But Prongs!"

**Harry told Hagrid about Snape's lesson. Hagrid, like Ron, told Harry not to worry about it, that Snape liked hardly any of the students.**

"**But he seemed to really hate me."**

"**Rubbish!" said Hagrid. "Why should he?"**

**Yet Harry couldn't help thinking that Hagrid didn't quite meet his eyes when he said that.**

Lily aimed another glare at Potter, who cowered in his seat. Good. She still had it.

"**How's yer brother Charlie?" Hagrid asked Ron. "I liked him a lot — great with animals."**

**Harry wondered if Hagrid had changed the subject on purpose.**

"No shit, Sherlock?" Black sniggered. "Hagrid is so obvious."

**While Ron told Hagrid all about Charlie's work with dragons, Harry picked up a piece of paper that was lying on the table under the tea cozy. It was a cutting from the Daily Prophet:**

_**GRINGOTTS BREAK-IN LATEST**_

_**Investigations continue into the break-in at Gringotts on 31 July, widely believed to be the work of Dark wizards or witches unknown. Gringotts goblins today insisted that nothing had been taken. The vault that was searched had in fact been emptied the same day.**_

"That's one huge coincidence" Remus said, brow furrowing in thought.

"_**But we're not telling you what was in there, so keep your noses out if you know what's good**_

_**for you," said a Gringotts spokesgoblin this afternoon.**_

Black rolled his eyes. "Goblins, always so friendly."

**Harry remembered Ron telling him on the train that someone had tried to rob Gringotts, but Ron hadn't mentioned the date.**

"**Hagrid!" said Harry, "that Gringotts break-in happened on my birthday! It might've been happening while we were there!"**

"My son makes good conclusions!" said Potter proudly. Lily considered glaring at him again just for the fun of it, but found she couldn't justify it. Bugger. She did like watching him cower.

**There was no doubt about it, Hagrid definitely didn't meet Harry's eyes this time. He grunted and offered him another rock cake. Harry read the story again. The vault that was searched had in fact been emptied earlier that same day. Hagrid had emptied vault seven hundred and thirteen, if you could call it emptying, taking out that grubby little package. Had that been what the thieves were looking for?**

Remus was still frowning. "It does sound very suspicious."

**As Harry and Ron walked back to the castle for dinner, their pockets weighed down with rock cakes they'd been too polite to refuse, **

"Good" said Lily, satisfied. "He still has manners, despite growing up with my horse of a sister."

**Harry thought that none of the lessons he'd had so far had given him as much to think about as tea with Hagrid. Had Hagrid collected that package just in time? Where was it now? And did Hagrid know something about Snape that he didn't want to tell Harry?**

Lily rolled her eyes. "Of course he does. And wouldn't Harry be so happy to know that his precious Dad was a bloody arsehole? It would be wonderful for him to realize that his father was nothing but a bully, who probably only managed to marry his mother because of some sort of love potion or Confundus charm."

"Lily" Remus warned, but she got to her feet, shoving the book at Potter, who caught it with a look of mixed alarm and mortification.

"I want a break" she snapped. "I need to return a book to the library, and we haven't had breakfast. Also, I don't get enough space in here; someone's giant head is too bloody giant."


	10. Fight! Fight! Fight!

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've been having some trouble with this chapter. This is the third version I wrote, and I'm simply too tired to redo it again ;) I hope it's good enough to not make you want to poke your eyes out with a spork, at least. I've spent the day writing this when I should have been doing my homework, so I hope you appreciate it :D_

_DISCLAIMER: Not miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine._

**-CHAPTER TEN-**

**-Fight! Fight! Fight!-**

Everyone in Gryffindor probably had their own opinions of Perfect Prefect Lily Evans. At the very least, every male in the house knew that if they dated her their necks would be cut in the night by her crazy stalker James Potter who would see the relationship as _base treachery from his own house, damn it! _The studious members of the house admired her grades and her dedication to her studies. The more happy-go-lucky among the Gryffindors (Sirius 'Slacker Number One' Black included) often disliked Lily Evans for her stiffness in regards to the rules. The ones with ambitions were curious about hers; the ones without ambitions were annoyed by her attempts to make everyone _have_ ambitions… and act upon them. But overall, Lily was a very liked member of the house; she was brave, as a Gryffindor should, intelligent, as a Gryffindor should (at least that's what Remus Lupin, Resident Bookwolf, had decided). Also, Lily was quite pretty, which the more crude members of the house claimed was the most important attribute of a Gryffindor female. These people would later, of course, get to know Lily's book bag in a very intimate fashion, as they would have to admire the imprint it had left on their faces.

Remus Lupin, the mentioned mixture between bookworm and werewolf-even-though-no-one-would-believe-it, knew more than that about the redhead. Not that he was her BFF FOR LIFE or something. No, Remus just was horribly observant sometimes. For example, he knew that Lily was allergic to all kinds of nuts. Not a huge thing in itself, but nonetheless it had helped enormously when he'd been able to tell dear stupid James that NO, giving her chocolate with chopped nuts in it was not a good idea, no. Not that she would take it anyway, knowing where it came from. That brings us to another thing that Remus knew about Lily; that she didn't actually dislike James as much as she pretended to. What he didn't know, however, was why she was so damned stubborn. Perhaps it was some sort of genetic defect to her character. He would probably not say that out loud, though.

Most people in Gryffindor probably only knew Remus Lupin as 'that quiet guy who hangs out with Potter and Black'. He kept to himself a lot, studied a lot, and was sick a lot. The few who knew him better (that is, his little gang of comrades, Lily, and the few people he met in his study group), would say that Remus was a pretty nice guy. He wasn't overly concerned about rules, even though he never was caught breaking them, he was smart, and he enjoyed Arithmancy.

Many thought of Remus as somewhat of a tag-along to James and Sirius. Most couldn't believe that such a seemingly timid, innocent young man (the mere words would have made Sirius snort) could possibly be a part of something as wild and rule-breaking as the little gang led by Potter and Black. That, however, was very far from the truth. Remus could be devious if he wanted to, and he had the brains to be just as much of a prankster as his friends; he just never got caught in the act.

Because of that, Remus often found it slightly annoying when people assumed he didn't really care a lot about his three best friends, that he just hung around with them because they were the best people available in his year. He found it slightly insulting that people actually believed he only cared for people as some kind of tools, that he only spent time with Sirius and James because they were smart. The mere idea made him want to growl. And making a werewolf growl in irritation was never a good idea. Even if you had no idea said person actually spent a few hours every month being distinctly furry and thirsting for human blood, it was really not a good idea. That was the reason Lily Evans actually jumped when said werewolf-in-ordinary-human-disguise pulled her from her musings with a soft little growl from the doorway.

Remus would have smiled grimly had he not been in such a bad mood. There were some benefits to being a bloodthirsty beast once a month; people tended to listen to you whenever you got even the slightest bit angry. They didn't even need to _know_ about his lycanthropy.

"Remus?" Lily said, her face carefully blank as she turned to look at him. She'd been sitting on her bed in the girls' dormitory for at least two hours now, he supposed. At least he hadn't seen her downstairs in some time now. Long enough to make poor James even more heartbroken. Also, long enough to make Remus annoyed enough to levitate himself up the stairs-turned-slide to the girls' dormitory.

"Lily" he said. "You are an idiot."

She got up, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes" he said simply. "And as I don't like idiots, I don't think we can be friends anymore. Oh, and I dislike hypocrites too."

She bit her lip.

"Hypocrites?" Remus nodded, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes" he said. "Also, I won't be torn between you and my friends. I like you a lot as a friend, Lily, but James, Sirius and Peter are my friends too, and if you make me choose, they will always be my choice."

With that said, he wrinkled his nose, stepping aside from a pool of women's underwear that someone had strewn on the floor. Entering the sixth years boys' dormitory (also affectionately known as the "Maraudorm", which by the way was an awful name) was like entering a war zone. Entering the sixth years girls' dorm, on the other hand, was a pretty non-traumatic experience, except for the faint waft of girly perfume someone had sprayed across the room (Remus suspected that hyper Alice Smith to be the culprit).

Lily blinked.

"I don't get it" she admitted weakly, thumping down onto the mattress behind her. "I mean, I know maybe I was a little over the top, but…"

"You mean that you were the kind of raging arsehole you're constantly accusing James of being" said Remus, raising an eyebrow. "You mean that you're bullying him because he used to be a bully? You mean that you're being an idiot in order to make him hurt as much as possible over having been an idiot sometimes? Smooth, Lily, real smooth. James is a good guy, and he's liked you forever. I'm sure you can imagine how wonderful he feels now you've told him what a pathetic arse he is. He must be overjoyed to hear you tell him that his son will get to be ashamed of him in the future. I thought you were supposed to be a _sensible_ person, Evans."

She blushed, cheeks turning pink as she bowed her head.

"I'm not excusing the stupid things James and the rest of us have done" Remus said in a low voice. "However, you don't seem very immune to doing stupid things yourself."

He turned on his heel and closed the door behind him. The staircase turned into a slide beneath his feet, and he made his way down on his butt (which involved only _one_ rather painful thump), ending up in the common room and exchanging a glance with Sirius. Through all this, only silence came from the girls' dormitories.

"Potter… James?"

James, who had been curled up on his bed in the Maraudorm (he could practically _hear_ Moony screeching about what an ugly name it was…) in a rather unusual display of utter depression, lifted his head and stared incredulously at the vision that presented itself in the doorway. Lily. Lily Evans. In. Their. Dorm. LILY EVANS FOR THE SAKE OF MERLIN'S MOST SMELLY UNDERPANTS.

"Lily?" he squeaked. He could have face palmed himself until his eyebrows would fall off. Squeaky voice, now is not the time!

She looked a little distressed. Weird. He'd never seen her look like that before. Not exactly like that, anyway. He hadn't ever seen that exact kind of furrowing of her brow.

In fact, James collected Lily's expressions. He kind of saved the memory of them in the tiny, tender part of his brain that handled all things that were too odd for him to name. Like every time he watched her smile at someone and saved the sight of it away, wishing that one day maybe she would smile at him like that. He collected her many different smiles. He collected her frowns, her stares and all of her other expressions. All of them, he tucked into that tiny part of his brain for safekeeping. They were probably the thing he'd miss the most if he got amnesia.

Oh Merlin, she sat down at the edge of his bed. Did he look good? Could he look good? No, he probably looked like crap, damn it all to the pits of Grandfather Potter's underwear drawer. Oh, Lily looked as though she wanted to say something. He tried to concentrate on the words, not just her silky voice and her moving lips and her… oh right, listen.

"Er, Remus talked to me" she said awkwardly. "He, er, made me realize I'm an idiot."

"You're not an idiot!" James protested automatically. "I'll kick him, the stupid…"

"No, no" she said, holding her hands up in alarm. Lily Evans truly had the most beautiful hands in existence. "No, James, it's alright, I mean… I really am an idiot. I'm sorry for being so mean to you. I just… I was really angry, okay? I'm sorry. Just, er… please never lay a hand on Severus again so I won't have to hex your balls off."

Ah, there was his fiery Lily-flower again! His smile rose effortlessly to his lips as he was dragging himself into a sitting position.

"I'll never point a wand at old Snapey again!" he declared dramatically. "Does this mean you don't _hate_-hate me anymore? Just regular hate?"

"Just regular hate, Potter. I reserve the right to hex you, though."

Shoot at Cupid and call him stupid, was that Lily Evans making a joke? At _him_? Sweet Merlin in a dusty handbag, James thought dreamily. He must surely be the luckiest guy alive. At least right now, he must be.

"So" said Sirius, raising an eyebrow when Evans and Jamesie-poo appeared in the stairway, made their separate ways down and taking their seats. "Does this mean Moony's insane 'knock some sense into this lunacy' approach actually works?" Evans didn't seem to deem this highly valid question worthy of an answer, and Prongs just shrugged, a thoroughly stupid grin on his face. Sirius could have slammed his face into the coffee table repeatedly, but if he did, he'd also scald himself with the hot tea Moony had blackmailed Peter into getting. Oh, Moony. The darned wolf was looking all too pleased with himself.

"You owe me a galleon" he sing-songed.

"Not really!" protested Sirius. "I never got to test my own tactic!"

"Yeah, well, I don't think hitting them both with a sedated niffler would do much good, Pads" said Peter, the traitor. "I'm with Moony, you owe him a galleon."

"But I never got to try it anyway! It could have worked perfectly w-…"

"Wait now just one second!" interrupted Evans, her eyes for a moment seeming almost as red as her hair. Or maybe it was just a hallucination due to those stupid 'Chronicles of the Dork Lord' comics that Prongs had 'borrowed' from beneath that seventh-year's bed.

"Yes?" said Remus, perfectly unruffled by the glare aimed at him.

"You bet on whether we'd forgive each other!"

"Yes, is there a problem?"

"THERE BLOODY WELL IS! I'm going to…"

"Hey" interrupted James, eyes wide. "Does this mean you forgive me too, for being a berk and whatever?"

"Er, I'm not sure if…"

"Yes, it does" said Remus cheerfully, slamming a pillow into Lily's face to shut her up. "Now we're all friends and everything is nice and fun and rainbows. Now, read the book or I'll make you, James."

"Oh!" said Peter, jumping. "Where _is_ the book?"

Remus did what Sirius felt like; he slammed his head into the coffee table, splattering tea all over the place.

"_Scourgify_" he sighed once he straightened, as though he'd done nothing unusual at all. "I thought you'd take care of it, Wormtail."

"Take care of it?" said Sirius, puzzled. "It's a _book_…"

"Take care of it as in making sure he knows where it is" snapped Remus. "So, let's look for it then."

Ten minutes were spent frantically scanning the room for the stupid book. Sirius looked especially hard; his areas involved the coffee table in front of him and the armchair beneath him. Moony, the wannabe dictator, sent him several death-glares for this. Stupid Moony.

"I got it!" screeched Evans after another few moments, straightening up and waving the book around. Apparently, Peter had stuffed it beneath one of the cushions in one of the couches… for 'safekeeping'. Yeah, sure. Prongs caught the work of literature while rolling his eyes at poor Wormtail, and they all sat back down. Sirius had a slight craving for pickled frogs feet. He really hoped he wasn't pregnant or some such nonsense. Who knew, with the inbreeding of the stupid pureblood families… maybe he had some sort of super abilities! But of course, if he was having pregnancy cravings now, it really would suck; why couldn't he have some sort of awesome mutant abilities instead?

"Do I want to know what you're thinking of right now, Sirius Black?"

He shook himself out of his thoughts and scowled at Remus, who was looking cheeky again.

"Pfft" he huffed. "Just read, Prongs."

So Prongs, unable to disobey a command by the Great and Awesome Mister Padfoot, rolled his eyes and flipped the book open to the right page.

"So" he said. "Chapter nine, the Midnight Duel."

"Is he going to duel?" asked Evans, her eyes narrowed.

"Well, let's read and we'll see?" Moony sighed. "R-e-a-d, Potter."

"Right, right" huffed James, and he read.

**Harry had never believed he would meet a boy he hated more than Dudley, but that was before he met Draco Malfoy. Still, first-year Gryffindors only had Potions with the Slytherins, so they didn't have to put up with Malfoy much. **

Sirius mock-shuddered. "Lucky them. We have to see the slithery snakes all too often as it is."

**Or at least, they didn't until they spotted a notice pinned up in the Gryffindor common room that made them all groan. Flying lessons would be starting on Thursday — and Gryffindor and Slytherin would be learning together.**

Sirius squeaked when Prongs slapped his face with the book.

"Lucky them, yes?"

"**Typical," said Harry darkly. "Just what I always wanted. To make a fool of myself on a broomstick in front of Malfoy." He had been looking forward to learning to fly more than anything else.**

"Ah, you won't make a fool of yourself" said Evans in an unusually soft voice a la concerned mother (in contrast to her usual tone a la Weirdo Witch of the Whatchamacallit or whatever Remus used to say). "If you're lucky you'll even have inherited your dad's Quidditch talent."

That day, astronomers all around the Wizarding world noticed how the world suddenly stopped spinning for a moment.

"What?" croaked Prongs, his face pale with shock.

"What?" Evans snapped, glaring at him.

"You said I had talent!"

"Well, you do." Her left eyebrow, which was surprisingly communicative, quite clearly said 'what's wrong with you, you idiot?'.

"Yeah but you never say it!"

"I don't really need to inflate your head further, do I? You know full well about any and all skills you have, including a few you've probably made up yourself."

"You do have a point" muttered James.

"**You don't know that you'll make a fool of yourself," said Ron reasonably. "Anyway, I know Malfoy's always going on about how good he is at Quidditch, but I bet that's all talk."**

**Malfoy certainly did talk about flying a lot. He complained loudly about first years never getting on the House Quidditch teams and told long, boastful stories that always seemed to end with him narrowly escaping Muggles in helicopters. **

"Oh sure, the one muggle thing he cared to learn about, no doubt" Sirius scoffed.

**He wasn't the only one, though: the way Seamus Finnigan told it, he'd spent most of his childhood zooming around the countryside on his broomstick. Even Ron would tell anyone who'd listen about the time he'd almost hit a hang glider on Charlie's old broom. **

"What's with the hitting random flying vehicles?" Lily huffed.

**Everyone from wizarding families talked about Quidditch constantly. Ron had already had a big argument with Dean Thomas, who shared their dormitory, about soccer. Ron couldn't see what was exciting about a game with only one ball where no one was allowed to fly. **

"Boys…"

**Harry had caught Ron prodding Dean's poster of West Ham soccer team, trying to make the players move.**

**Neville had never been on a broomstick in his life, because his grandmother had never let him near one. Privately, Harry felt she'd had good reason, because Neville managed to have an extraordinary number of accidents even with both feet on the ground.**

"Harsh but probably true, son" murmured James.

**Hermione Granger was almost as nervous about flying as Neville was. This was something you couldn't learn by heart out of a book — not that she hadn't tried. At breakfast on Thursday she bored them all stupid with flying tips she'd gotten out of a library book called Quidditch Through the Ages. Neville was hanging on to her every word, desperate for anything that might help him hang on to his broomstick later, but everybody else was very pleased when Hermione's lecture was interrupted by the arrival of the mail.**

**Harry hadn't had a single letter since Hagrid's note, something that Malfoy had been quick to notice, of course. Malfoy's eagle owl was always bringing him packages of sweets from home, which he opened gloatingly at the Slytherin table.**

"Brat" muttered Sirius. "Reminds me of Regulus."

**A barn owl brought Neville a small package from his grandmother. He opened it excitedly and showed them a glass ball the size of a large marble, which seemed to be full of white smoke.**

"**It's a Remembrall!" he explained. "Gran knows I forget things — this tells you if there's something you've forgotten to do. Look, you hold it tight like this and if it turns red — oh . . ." His face fell, because the Remembrall had suddenly glowed scarlet, ". . . you've forgotten something . . ."**

Remus was caught between a scoff and a snigger. "Very useful thing."

**Neville was trying to remember what he'd forgotten when Draco Malfoy, who was passing the Gryffindor table, snatched the Remembrall out of his hand.**

**Harry and Ron jumped to their feet. They were half hoping for a reason to fight Malfoy, **

"_Boys_" Lily repeated, rolling her eyes.

**but Professor McGonagall, who could spot trouble quicker than any teacher in the school, was there in a flash.**

"**What's going on?"**

"**Malfoy's got my Remembrall, Professor."**

**Scowling, Malfoy quickly dropped the Remembrall back on the table.**

"**Just looking," he said, and he sloped away with Crabbe and Goyle behind him.**

**At three-thirty that afternoon, Harry, Ron, and the other Gryffindors hurried down the front steps onto the grounds for their first flying lesson. It was a clear, breezy day, **

"Good" cried James excitedly, his eyes twinkling madly. "Perfect conditions!"

"It's not Quidditch, Prongs" Sirius pointed out, happy to burst his bubble. "They'll just fly like a few feet up for a few seconds and then land again. They never get to do anything exciting in the beginning, duh."

"Killjoy" muttered the stag, making a rather rude hand gesture.

**and the grass rippled under their feet as they marched down the sloping lawns toward a smooth, flat lawn on the opposite side of the grounds to the forbidden forest, whose trees were swaying darkly in the distance.**

**The Slytherins were already there, and so were twenty broomsticks lying in neat lines on the ground. Harry had heard Fred and George Weasley complain about the school brooms, saying that some of them started to vibrate if you flew too high, or always flew slightly to the left.**

"Still haven't fixed them, I see" Sirius mused.

**Their teacher, Madam Hooch, arrived. She had short, gray hair, and yellow eyes like a hawk.**

"**Well, what are you all waiting for?" she barked. "Everyone stand by a broomstick. Come on, hurry up."**

**Harry glanced down at his broom. It was old and some of the twigs stuck out at odd angles.**

"**Stick out your right hand over your broom," called Madam Hooch at the front, "and say 'Up!' "**

"**UP!" everyone shouted.**

**Harry's broom jumped into his hand at once, but it was one of the few that did. **

Everyone cheered, and James looked practically ecstatic.

"Talent!" he cried. "Pure talent poked them all in the eye!"

Evans rolled her eyes, but was that a fond little smile that she was trying to suppress? Sirius narrowed his eyes. Better keep an eye on her.

**Hermione Granger's had simply rolled over on the ground, and Neville's hadn't moved at all. Perhaps brooms, like horses, could tell when you were afraid, thought Harry; there was a quaver in Neville's voice that said only too clearly that he wanted to keep his feet on the ground.**

**Madam Hooch then showed them how to mount their brooms without sliding off the end, and walked up and down the rows correcting their grips. Harry and Ron were delighted when she told Malfoy he'd been doing it wrong for years.**

"**Now, when I blow my whistle, you kick off from the ground, hard," said Madam Hooch. "Keep your brooms steady, rise a few feet, and then come straight back down by leaning forward slightly. On my whistle — three — two —"**

**But Neville, nervous and jumpy and frightened of being left on the ground, pushed off hard before the whistle had touched Madam Hooch's lips.**

"Oh no" fretted Evans, chewing her lip. "I hope he doesn't get hurt."

"**Come back, boy!" she shouted, but Neville was rising straight up like a cork shot out of a bottle — twelve feet — twenty feet. Harry saw his scared white face look down at the ground falling away, saw him gasp, slip sideways off the broom and — WHAM — a thud and a nasty crack and Neville lay facedown on the grass in a heap. **

Even Sirius was sort of concerned. Sort of.

**His broomstick was still rising higher and higher, and started to drift lazily toward the forbidden forest and out of sight.**

**Madam Hooch was bending over Neville, her face as white as his.**

"**Broken wrist," Harry heard her mutter. **

"Not life-threatening then" concluded Moony. "Good. Poor Neville. Brooms are evil."

"Just because you can't stay on one to save your own life…"

"I too can! I'm just not a bloody maniac like you, _Potter_!"

"**Come on, boy — it's all right, up you get."**

**She turned to the rest of the class.**

"**None of you is to move while I take this boy to the hospital wing! You leave those brooms where they are or you'll be out of Hogwarts before you can say 'Quidditch.' Come on, dear."**

**Neville, his face tear-streaked, clutching his wrist, hobbled off with Madam Hooch, who had her arm around him.**

**No sooner were they out of earshot than Malfoy burst into laughter.**

"**Did you see his face, the great lump?"**

"Shut up, you brat" Lily growled at the book. "Stupid little idiot."

**The other Slytherins joined in.**

"**Shut up, Malfoy," snapped Parvati Patil.**

"**Ooh, sticking up for Longbottom?" said Pansy Parkinson, a hard-faced Slytherin girl. "Never thought you'd like fat little crybabies, Parvati."**

"**Look!" said Malfoy, darting forward and snatching something out of the grass. "It's that stupid thing Longbottom's gran sent him."**

**The Remembrall glittered in the sun as he held it up.**

"It's not yours!" Sirius protested.

"**Give that here, Malfoy," said Harry quietly. **

James beamed. "My son is great. A true Gryffindor!"

**Everyone stopped talking to watch. Malfoy smiled nastily.**

"**I think I'll leave it somewhere for Longbottom to find — how about — up a tree?"**

"**Give it here!" Harry yelled, but Malfoy had leapt onto his broomstick and taken off. He hadn't been lying, he could fly well. Hovering level with the topmost branches of an oak he called, "Come and get it, Potter!"**

**Harry grabbed his broom.**

"**No!" shouted Hermione Granger. "Madam Hooch told us not to move — you'll get us all into trouble."**

"For once in your life, Granger, shut it" Sirius huffed. "Harry's too busy being awesome to listen to you!"

"Well…" hesitated Evans. "Perhaps he shouldn't… he's never been on a broom before and…"

"Pfft, technicalities."

**Harry ignored her. Blood was pounding in his ears. He mounted the broom and kicked hard against the ground and up, up he soared; air rushed through his hair, and his robes whipped out behind him — and in a rush of fierce joy he realized he'd found something he could do without being taught — this was easy, this was wonderful. **

Even Sirius 'No-tact' Black couldn't scoff at the overbearing happiness in James' expression. In short, he looked kind of like a child being given room full of candy.

"Sounds like he's just as good as his dad" said Moony softly, and even as Sirius would like to say something better than that, he had to admit that the comment was the only thing needed right now. Stupid Remus, stealing the best lines.

**He pulled his broomstick up a little to take it even higher, and heard screams and gasps of girls back on the ground and an admiring whoop from Ron.**

**He turned his broomstick sharply to face Malfoy in midair. Malfoy looked stunned.**

"**Give it here," Harry called, "or I'll knock you off that broom!"**

"**Oh, yeah?" said Malfoy, trying to sneer, but looking worried.**

"Oh yeah?" mocked Sirius. James gave a sort of creepy, hyper, girlish giggle that made them all give him uneasy looks.

**Harry knew, somehow, what to do. He leaned forward and grasped the broom tightly in both hands, and it shot toward Malfoy like a javelin. Malfoy only just got out of the way in time;**

**Harry made a sharp about-face and held the broom steady. A few people below were clapping.**

"**No Crabbe and Goyle up here to save your neck, Malfoy," Harry called.**

**The same thought seemed to have struck Malfoy.**

"I hope it struck him really hard!"

"**Catch it if you can, then!" he shouted, and he threw the glass ball high into the air and streaked back toward the ground. Harry saw, as though in slow motion, the ball rise up in the air and then start to fall. He leaned forward and pointed his broom handle down — next second he was gathering speed in a steep dive, racing the ball — wind whistled in his ears, mingled with the screams of people watching — he stretched out his hand — a foot from the ground he caught it, just in time to pull his broom straight, and he toppled gently onto the grass with the Remembrall clutched safely in his fist.**

"Harry Potter!" James whispered, starry-eyed as though he'd just witnessed the event with his own eyes. "The best son ever, I swear."

"**HARRY POTTER!"**

**His heart sank faster than he'd just dived. Professor McGonagall was running toward them. He got to his feet, trembling.**

It broke the moment pretty effectively. Evans even groaned.

"Not now, Professor…"

"**Never — in all my time at Hogwarts —" Professor McGonagall was almost speechless with shock, and her glasses flashed furiously, "— how dare you — might have broken your neck —"**

"**It wasn't his fault, Professor —"**

"**Be quiet, Miss Patil —"**

"**But Malfoy —"**

"**That's enough, Mr. Weasley. Potter, follow me, now."**

"Oh crap, now he's in trouble."

"No shit, Sherlock."

"I've been thinking, Moony. Who is this 'Sherlock' really?"

"Forget it, Sirius."

**Harry caught sight of Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle's triumphant faces as he left, walking numbly in Professor McGonagall's wake as she strode toward the castle. He was going to be expelled, he just knew it. He wanted to say something to defend himself, but there seemed to be something wrong with his voice. Professor McGonagall was sweeping along without even looking at him; he had to jog to keep up. Now he'd done it. He hadn't even lasted two weeks. He'd be packing his bags in ten minutes. What would the Dursleys say when he turned up on the doorstep?**

"Nothing good, I suspect" shrugged Sirius. "Kind of overdramatic, isn't he? From which parent does he get it, I wonder?"

"If he didn't look like Prongs I'd say you and Lily must have been having a secret affair at the time of his conception, Padfoot."

The room was stunned into silence for a moment, and Remus grinned wickedly. Then…

"Eww!" chorused Sirius and Evans, almost identical disgusted looks upon their faces.

**Up the front steps, up the marble staircase inside, and still Professor McGonagall didn't say a word to him. She wrenched open doors and marched along corridors with Harry trotting miserably behind her. Maybe she was taking him to Dumbledore. He thought of Hagrid, expelled but allowed to stay on as gamekeeper. Perhaps he could be Hagrid's assistant. His stomach twisted as he imagined it, watching Ron and the others becoming wizards while he stumped around the grounds carrying Hagrid's bag.**

"Definitely Padfoot's son" said Remus, and Sirius gagged again.

"As if I would ever do _that_ with _her_! Not to mention that Prongs would skin me alive and feed me to a herd of starved Acromantulas!"

"I'd castrate you first, you treacherous bastard."

"Not my precious family jewels, James!" Sirius protested, but he did grab his 'jewels' anyway, making Evans laugh in a decidedly cruel way. Or maybe just amused. But cruel too! "If you touch them your son will never ever have little god-siblings!"

"As if you would ever settle down and have kids, Black."

"Yeah, well, that's… a moot point, Evans."

**Professor McGonagall stopped outside a classroom. She opened the door and poked her head inside.**

"**Excuse me, Professor Flitwick, could I borrow Wood for a moment?"**

**Wood? thought Harry, bewildered; was Wood a cane she was going to use on him?**

**But Wood turned out to be a person, a burly fifth-year boy who came out of Flitwick's class looking confused.**

"I… don't get it" Peter admitted, confused. "What's with this Wood bloke?"

"What kind of name is 'Wood' anyway? It gives me dirty associations."

"What _doesn't_ give you 'dirty associations', Sirius?"

"**Follow me, you two," said Professor McGonagall, and they marched on up the corridor, Wood looking curiously at Harry.**

"**In here."**

**Professor McGonagall pointed them into a classroom that was empty except for Peeves, who was busy writing rude words on the blackboard.**

"**Out, Peeves!" she barked. Peeves threw the chalk into a bin, which clanged loudly, and he swooped out cursing. Professor McGonagall slammed the door behind him and turned to face the**

**two boys.**

"**Potter, this is Oliver Wood. Wood — I've found you a Seeker."**

James blinked, and his eyes went wide. "My… son, seeker… I just… it… seeker… Quidditch… broomstick, he… _seeker_!"

**Wood's expression changed from puzzlement to delight.**

"**Are you serious, Professor?"**

"**Absolutely," said Professor McGonagall crisply. "The boy's a natural. I've never seen anything like it. Was that your first time on a broomstick, Potter?"**

**Harry nodded silently. He didn't have a clue what was going on, but he didn't seem to be being expelled, and some of the feeling started coming back to his legs.**

"**He caught that thing in his hand after a fifty-foot dive," Professor McGonagall told Wood. "Didn't even scratch himself. Charlie Weasley couldn't have done it."**

**Wood was now looking as though all his dreams had come true at once.**

"Mine too" whispered James. "My son is _awesome_! He's the best son _ever_! What the hell is wrong with me, dying so I can't be there and tell him how awesome he is?"

That brought his mood down, including the moods of everyone in the room. "Crap" he murmured. "I'm dead."

"**Ever seen a game of Quidditch, Potter?" he asked excitedly.**

"**Wood's captain of the Gryffindor team," Professor McGonagall explained.**

"**He's just the build for a Seeker, too," said Wood, now walking around Harry and staring at him. "Light — speedy — we'll have to get him a decent broom, Professor — a Nimbus Two Thousand**

**or a Cleansweep Seven, I'd say." **

"**I shall speak to Professor Dumbledore and see if we can't bend the first-year rule. Heaven knows, we need a better team than last year. Flattened in that last match by Slytherin, I couldn't look Severus Snape in the face for weeks. . . ."**

"Great that McGonagall is such a Quidditch fan" Sirius quipped, trying to lighten the mood, but it didn't work very well. Damn, he hated this depressing future garbage.

**Professor McGonagall peered sternly over her glasses at Harry.**

"**I want to hear you're training hard, Potter, or I may change my mind about punishing you."**

**Then she suddenly smiled.**

"**Your father would have been proud," she said. "He was an excellent Quidditch player himself."**

"Of course I would" James murmured. "But I can't bloody tell him that because I'm _dead_."

"Oh James, don't be like that."

Surprisingly, it was Evans. Wow, maybe she could be good for something. Who would've thought? She moved over to sit next to him, patting his back in a rather awkward way.

"Lily?"

"James, we might be dead but that's why it's so great to have these books, isn't it? We can just read and find out why we died, and then we can do everything to prevent that. Isn't that good?"

"Er… yeah, perhaps it is." He did look pretty cheered up though. Stupid Evans, stealing Sirius' job of Prongs-cheerer.

"**You're joking."**

**It was dinnertime. Harry had just finished telling Ron what had happened when he'd left the grounds with Professor McGonagall. Ron had a piece of steak and kidney pie halfway to his mouth, but he'd forgotten all about it.**

"**Seeker?" he said. "But first years never — you must be the youngest House player in about —"**

"— **a century," said Harry, shoveling pie into his mouth. He felt particularly hungry after the excitement of the afternoon. "Wood told me."**

James moaned in longing. "I should be there!" he insisted. "I should be there and be impressed!"

**Ron was so amazed, so impressed, he just sat and gaped at Harry.**

"**I start training next week," said Harry. "Only don't tell anyone, Wood wants to keep it a secret."**

**Fred and George Weasley now came into the hall, spotted Harry, and hurried over.**

"**Well done," said George in a low voice. "Wood told us. We're on the team too — Beaters."**

"**I tell you, we're going to win that Quidditch Cup for sure this year," said Fred. "We haven't won since Charlie left, but this year's team is going to be brilliant. You must be good, Harry, Wood was almost skipping when he told us."**

"**Anyway, we've got to go, Lee Jordan reckons he's found a new secret passageway out of the school."**

"**Bet it's that one behind the statue of Gregory the Smarmy that we found in our first week. See you."**

"First week?" muttered Sirius. "It took us at least three weeks didn't it? Stupid copycat kids. No one should beat the Marauders."

"I'm sure, Black" Evans said in a rather condescending tone. He scowled at her.

**Fred and George had hardly disappeared when someone far less welcome turned up: Malfoy, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle.**

"**Having a last meal, Potter? When are you getting the train back to the Muggles?"**

"**You're a lot braver now that you're back on the ground and you've got your little friends with you," said Harry coolly. There was of course nothing at all little about Crabbe and Goyle, but as the High Table was full of teachers, neither of them could do more than crack their knuckles and scowl.**

"**I'd take you on anytime on my own," said Malfoy. "Tonight, if you want. Wizard's duel. Wands only — no contact. What's the matter? Never heard of a wizards duel before, I suppose?"**

"No, Harry, you're _not_ duelling him" Evans chided. "Listen to me! It's your mother from the past! You shouldn't duel the stupid kid!"

"I don't think he can hear you, to be honest" Remus chuckled.

"**Of course he has," said Ron, wheeling around. "I'm his second, who's yours?"**

**Malfoy looked at Crabbe and Goyle, sizing them up.**

"**Crabbe," he said. "Midnight all right? We'll meet you in the trophy room; that's always unlocked."**

**When Malfoy had gone, Ron and Harry looked at each other.**

"**What is a wizards duel?" said Harry. "And what do you mean, you're my second?"**

"**Well, a second's there to take over if you die," said Ron casually, **

Remus laughed out loud. "Way to reassure him!"

**getting started at last on his cold pie. Catching the look on Harry's face, he added quickly, "But people only die in proper duels, you know, with real wizards. The most you and Malfoy'll be able to do is send sparks at each other. Neither of you knows enough magic to do any real damage. I bet he expected you to refuse, anyway."**

"**And what if I wave my wand and nothing happens?"**

"**Throw it away and punch him on the nose," Ron suggested.**

"Ron truly gives great advice" Evans said, giggling and making Prongs go all starry-eyed again. Stupid temptress from… wherever she came from!

"**Excuse me."**

**They both looked up. It was Hermione Granger.**

"**Can't a person eat in peace in this place?" said Ron. Hermione ignored him and spoke to Harry.**

"**I couldn't help overhearing what you and Malfoy were saying —"**

"**Bet you could," Ron muttered.**

"— **and you mustn't go wandering around the school at night, think of the points you'll lose Gryffindor if you're caught, and you're bound to be. It's really very selfish of you."**

"Listen to her" urged Evans.

"**And it's really none of your business," said Harry.**

"**Good-bye," said Ron.**

"Ah" she sighed. "Well, I could hope at least."

**All the same, it wasn't what you'd call the perfect end to the day, Harry thought, as he lay awake much later listening to Dean and Seamus falling asleep (Neville wasn't back from the hospital wing). Ron had spent all evening giving him advice such as "If he tries to curse you, you'd better dodge it, because I can't remember how to block them." **

Sirius snorted.

**There was a very good chance they were going to get caught by Filch or Mrs. Norris, and Harry felt he was pushing his luck, breaking another school rule today. On the other hand, Malfoy's sneering face kept looming up out of the darkness — this was his big chance to beat Malfoy face-to-face. He couldn't miss it.**

"Boys…" muttered Evans.

"**Half-past eleven," Ron muttered at last, "we'd better go."**

**They pulled on their bathrobes, picked up their wands, and crept across the tower room, down the spiral staircase, and into the Gryffindor common room. A few embers were still glowing in the fireplace, turning all the armchairs into hunched black shadows.**

**They had almost reached the portrait hole when a voice spoke from the chair nearest them, "I can't believe you're going to do this, Harry."**

"Oh crap."

**A lamp flickered on. It was Hermione Granger, wearing a pink bathrobe and a frown.**

"**You!" said Ron furiously. "Go back to bed!"**

"**I almost told your brother," Hermione snapped, "Percy — he's a prefect, he'd put a stop to this."**

**Harry couldn't believe anyone could be so interfering.**

"**Come on," he said to Ron. He pushed open the portrait of the Fat Lady and climbed through the hole.**

**Hermione wasn't going to give up that easily. She followed Ron through the portrait hole, hissing at them like an angry goose. **

"**Don't you care about Gryffindor, do you only care about yourselves, I don't want Slytherin to win the House Cup, and you'll lose all the points I got from Professor McGonagall for knowing about Switching Spells."**

"**Go away."**

"**All right, but I warned you, you just remember what I said when you're on the train home tomorrow, you're so —"**

"Okay, she is pretty annoying" Evans admitted, furrowing her brow.

"You're the very same!" Sirius spluttered, ignoring the frantic gestures James made at him. Deal with it, loverboy. Evans didn't seem all too offended though.

"_Were_" she said. "Shut it, Black."

**But what they were, they didn't find out. Hermione had turned to the portrait of the Fat Lady to get back inside and found herself facing an empty painting. The Fat Lady had gone on a nighttime visit and Hermione was locked out of Gryffindor Tower.**

"**Now what am I going to do?" she asked shrilly.**

"**That's your problem," said Ron. "We've got to go, we're going to be late."**

**They hadn't even reached the end of the corridor when Hermione caught up with them.**

"**I'm coming with you," she said.**

"**You are not."**

"**D'you think I'm going to stand out here and wait for Filch to catch me? If he finds all three of us I'll tell him the truth, that I was trying to stop you, and you can back me up."**

"**You've got some nerve —" said Ron loudly.**

"**Shut up, both of you!" said Harry sharply. "I heard something."**

**It was a sort of snuffling.**

"**Mrs. Norris?" breathed Ron, squinting through the dark.**

**It wasn't Mrs. Norris. It was Neville. He was curled up on the floor, fast asleep, but jerked suddenly awake as they crept nearer. **

"**Thank goodness you found me! I've been out here for hours, I couldn't remember the new password to get in to bed."**

"**Keep your voice down, Neville. The password's 'Pig snout' but it won't help you now, the Fat Lady's gone off somewhere."**

"Doesn't seem like their 'duel' will turn out well" said Remus, his mouth quirking slightly.

"**How's your arm?" said Harry.**

"**Fine," said Neville, showing them. "Madam Pomfrey mended it in about a minute."**

"**Good — well, look, Neville, we've got to be somewhere, we'll see you later —"**

"**Don't leave me!" said Neville, scrambling to his feet, "I don't want to stay here alone, the Bloody Baron's been past twice already."**

Peter shivered and Sirius rolled his eyes.

**Ron looked at his watch and then glared furiously at Hermione and Neville.**

"**If either of you get us caught, I'll never rest until I've learned that Curse of the Bogies Quirrell told us about, and used it on you."**

**Hermione opened her mouth, perhaps to tell Ron exactly how to use the Curse of the Bogies, but Harry hissed at her to be quiet and beckoned them all forward.**

**They flitted along corridors striped with bars of moonlight from the high windows. At every turn Harry expected to run into Filch or Mrs. Norris, but they were lucky. They sped up a staircase to the third floor and tiptoed toward the trophy room.**

**Malfoy and Crabbe weren't there yet. The crystal trophy cases glimmered where the moonlight caught them. Cups, shields, plates, and statues winked silver and gold in the darkness. They edged along the walls, keeping their eyes on the doors at either end of the room. Harry took out his wand in case Malfoy leapt in and started at once. **

"If he hurts my son by cheating like the Slytherin he is I'll find a way to kick his arse" James vowed, staring down at the book.

"How do you think you'd do that?" Sirius snapped waspishly. "You're bloody dead, mate. Deal with it."

Remus gave him an annoyed look which he wholeheartedly answered, and James looked hurt. Oh yeah? Maybe pretty Evans could comfort him in the night or something.

**The minutes crept by.**

"**He's late, maybe he's chickened out," Ron whispered.**

**Then a noise in the next room made them jump. Harry had only just raised his wand when they heard someone speak — and it wasn't Malfoy.**

"**Sniff around, my sweet, they might be lurking in a corner."**

Evans stiffened in her seat.

"Damn" James muttered, refusing to look at Sirius at all. Stupid git, he was. Stupid gits, all of them. Especially Evans.

**It was Filch speaking to Mrs. Norris. Horror-struck, Harry waved madly at the other three to follow him as quickly as possible; they scurried silently toward the door, away from Filch's voice.**

**Neville's robes had barely whipped round the corner when they heard Filch enter the trophy room.**

"**They're in here somewhere," they heard him mutter, "probably hiding."**

"Malfoy's a coward" said Remus with a certain distaste. "Ratting them out like the rat he is."

"Hey" protested Peter. "No insults to rats!"

"**This way!" Harry mouthed to the others and, petrified, they began to creep down a long gallery full of suits of armor. They could hear Filch getting nearer. Neville suddenly let out a frightened**

**squeak and broke into a run — he tripped, grabbed Ron around the waist, and the pair of them toppled right into a suit of armor.**

Remus slapped his forehead. "Discreet!"

**The clanging and crashing were enough to wake the whole castle.**

"**RUN!" Harry yelled, and the four of them sprinted down the gallery, not looking back to see whether Filch was following — they swung around the doorpost and galloped down one corridor**

**then another, Harry in the lead, without any idea where they were or where they were going — they ripped through a tapestry and found themselves in a hidden passageway, hurtled along it and came out near their Charms classroom, which they knew was miles from the trophy room.**

"**I think we've lost him," Harry panted, leaning against the cold wall and wiping his forehead. Neville was bent double, wheezing and spluttering.**

"**I — told — you," Hermione gasped, clutching at the stitch in her chest, "I — told — you."**

"Great time for that" Sirius muttered.

"**We've got to get back to Gryffindor Tower," said Ron, "quickly as possible."**

"**Malfoy tricked you," Hermione said to Harry. "You realize that, don't you? He was never going to meet you — Filch knew someone was going to be in the trophy room, Malfoy must have tipped him off."**

**Harry thought she was probably right, but he wasn't going to tell her that.**

"… Boys." Surprisingly, Remus said it. Sirius glared at him. Traitor! Going over to the side of the Treacherous Temptress!

"Remus, you are a boy yourself" James pointed out, raising an eyebrow.

"No, I'm not" he said gravely. "I am a _man_. _You_ are a boy, Potter. Now read."

"**Let's go."**

**It wasn't going to be that simple. They hadn't gone more than a dozen paces when a doorknob rattled and something came shooting out of a classroom in front of them.**

**It was Peeves. **

"Stupid poltergeist" groaned Evans.

**He caught sight of them and gave a squeal of delight.**

"**Shut up, Peeves — please — you'll get us thrown out." **

**Peeves cackled.**

"**Wandering around at midnight, Ickle Firsties? Tut, tut, tut. Naughty, naughty, you'll get caughty."**

"**Not if you don't give us away, Peeves, please."**

"**Should tell Filch, I should," said Peeves in a saintly voice, but his eyes glittered wickedly. "It's for your own good, you know."**

"**Get out of the way," snapped Ron, taking a swipe at Peeves — this was a big mistake.**

Remus winced.

"**STUDENTS OUT OF BED!" Peeves bellowed, "STUDENTS OUT OF BED DOWN THE CHARMS CORRIDOR!"**

**Ducking under Peeves, they ran for their lives, right to the end of the corridor where they slammed into a door — and it was locked.**

"**This is it!" Ron moaned, as they pushed helplessly at the door, "We're done for! This is the end!"**

**They could hear footsteps, Filch running as fast as he could toward Peeves's shouts.**

"**Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wand, tapped the lock, and whispered, "Alohomora!"**

"Good" Evans nodded. "Now they'll get away."

"Well, even the most useless people have to be _some_ use at some point" Sirius grumbled.

"Shut it, Sirius" snarled Remus before Evans could say anything. "I'm tired of you acting like a jerk. I've got a headache and I won't listen to your bitching. Shut. Up."

No matter how much Sirius Black wanted to disobey, he always found it nearly impossible when the orders came from an angry werewolf the day before the full moon. Not only because he knew Remus could get pretty ugly if you pushed him during these days, but also because he didn't want to make the entire full moon crap even more hell on his mate. Stupid Remus being a werewolf so that Sirius couldn't fight with him. Stupid Greyback who _made_ him a werewolf. Stupid everything.

But other than this inner tirade, Sirius did indeed shut up.

**The lock clicked and the door swung open — they piled through it, shut it quickly, and pressed their ears against it, listening.**

"**Which way did they go, Peeves?" Filch was saying. "Quick, tell me."**

"**Say 'please.' "**

"**Don't mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?"**

"**Shan't say nothing if you don't say please," said Peeves in his annoying singsong voice.**

"**All right — please."**

"**NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa!" And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage.**

"Got to love Peeves" said Remus dryly, clearing his throat.

"**He thinks this door is locked," Harry whispered. "I think we'll be okay — get off, Neville!" For Neville had been tugging on the sleeve of Harry's bathrobe for the last minute. "What?"**

**Harry turned around — and saw, quite clearly, what. For a moment, he was sure he'd walked into a nightmare — this was too much, on top of everything that had happened so far.**

**They weren't in a room, as he had supposed. They were in a corridor. The forbidden corridor on the third floor. And now they knew why it was forbidden.**

"Oh no" Evans squeaked. "What's wrong? James, read and tell me what's wrong."

James, on the other hand, was looking pretty pale and wide-eyed himself.

**They were looking straight into the eyes of a monstrous dog, a dog that filled the whole space between ceiling and floor. It had three heads. Three pairs of rolling, mad eyes; three noses, twitching and quivering in their direction; three drooling mouths, saliva hanging in slippery ropes from yellowish fangs.**

"What the _hell_?" Prongs cried. "Get your arse out of there, Harry!"

**It was standing quite still, all six eyes staring at them, and Harry knew that the only reason they weren't already dead was that their sudden appearance had taken it by surprise, but it was quickly getting over that, there was no mistaking what those thunderous growls meant.**

**Harry groped for the doorknob — between Filch and death, he'd take Filch.**

"Good choice" shuddered Peter.

**They fell backward — Harry slammed the door shut, and they ran, they almost flew, back down the corridor. Filch must have hurried off to look for them somewhere else, because they didn't see him anywhere, but they hardly cared — all they wanted to do was put as much space as possible between them and that monster.**

**They didn't stop running until they reached the portrait of the Fat Lady on the seventh floor.**

"**Where on earth have you all been?" she asked, looking at their bathrobes hanging off their shoulders and their flushed, sweaty faces.**

"**Never mind that — pig snout, pig snout," panted Harry, and the portrait swung forward. They scrambled into the common room and collapsed, trembling, into armchairs.**

**It was a while before any of them said anything. Neville, indeed, looked as if he'd never speak again.**

"Now they've traumatized him" Remus chided playfully. James just raised an eyebrow. Pre-moon mood swings, yes?

"**What do they think they're doing, keeping a thing like that locked up in a school?" said Ron finally. "If any dog needs exercise, that one does."**

**Hermione had got both her breath and her bad temper back again.**

"**You don't use your eyes, any of you, do you?" she snapped. "Didn't you see what it was standing on?"**

"**The floor?" Harry suggested. "I wasn't looking at its feet, I was too busy with its heads."**

"**No, not the floor. It was standing on a trapdoor. It's obviously guarding something."**

"Could she be any more know-it-all?" Sirius huffed. Remus glared at him.

**She stood up, glaring at them.**

"**I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed — or worse, expelled. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to bed."**

"Okay, maybe she needs to get her priorities straight" amended the werewolf, eyes widening a fraction.

**Ron stared after her, his mouth open.**

"**No, we don't mind," he said. "You'd think we dragged her along, wouldn't you?"**

**But Hermione had given Harry something else to think about as he climbed back into bed. The dog was guarding something. . . .**

**What had Hagrid said? Gringotts was the safest place in the world for something you wanted to hide — except perhaps Hogwarts.**

**It looked as though Harry had found out where the grubby little package from vault seven hundred and thirteen was.**

"Great" Evans sighed. "Now he's going to get himself into trouble being curious about that."

"Wouldn't you?" Remus asked, raising an eyebrow, and she huffed.

"Alright, maybe I would. But still."

"That's the end of the chapter, though" James said. "Who's next to read?"

"Sirius can do it" said Remus. "If he's finished being Mr Grouchypants?"

Sirius huffed, snagging the book from James' grasp.

"Seriously, Moony, I'm not ten" he huffed. "I'll read. The next chapter's called Halloween."


	11. He Smells and He Grunts He's a Troll!

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: I am a horrible person. I am a lazy bastard. I deserve to be hit with a squealing beaver. I am also very sorry. For what? For the delay in posting this chapter, of course! I shall attempt to explain myself and beg for forgiveness, however! Yay me!_

_So, I have been very busy in the last few days… weeks… months… whatever. I study a science program thingie at school, and this is my second year. Turns out second year is MURDER. I simply haven't been able to concentrate. I wrote about half of this chapter right after I posted the last one… then it just stayed in the very back of my head and I couldn't get the inspiration to finish it. It sucked! Then, today, I was thinking about how I wish my favourite stories would get updated so that I could get something to read. Then suddenly a thought struck me; I haven't updated my OWN fic in forever! Maybe this is some sort of punishment, right? So I sat down and I finished this chapter. Now, it is here, for your reading pleasure (or pain). I did my best. I haven't checked through it much, so I apologize for the probably awkward wordings in some places. Also, I had a fight with MS Word since it insisted on placing these really weird little extra blanks between certain lines. I think Word and I are having a divorce soon. Let us hope my next update doesn't take as long as this one did._

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything, yo._

**-CHAPTER ELEVEN-**

**-****He Smells and He Grunts… He's a Troll, Mate!-**

Sirius cleared his throat importantly, and eyed the first paragraphs in silence. Moony raised an eyebrow at him, and he started reading with somewhat less than his usual flourish;

**Malfoy couldn't believe his eyes when he saw that Harry and Ron were still at Hogwarts the next day, looking tired but perfectly cheerful. Indeed, by the next morning Harry and Ron thought that meeting the three-headed dog had been an excellent adventure, and they were quite keen to have another one.**

"Got his father's intelligence, Harry did" said Remus in mock-pride. Prongs protested with a loud 'hey!', but Sirius sniggered a little.

"Or maybe it's just a trait of the entire male species" said Evans with a straight face.

"In that case you can call me Regina" said Remus solemnly. "James Potter, you may help me braid my hair if you want to."

**In the meantime, Harry filled Ron in about the package that seemed to have been moved from Gringotts to Hogwarts, and they spent a lot of time wondering what could possibly need such heavy protection.**

"**It's either really valuable or really dangerous," said Ron.**

"Or both" James mused as he slammed a pillow into Remus' face.

"**Or both," said Harry.**

"Clearly his father's intelligence, then!"

"Shut it, Deerface."

"What kind of insult is that, Black?"

"Not one you need concern yourself with, _Evans_."

**But as all they knew for sure about the mysterious object was that it was about two inches long, they didn't have much chance of guessing what it was without further clues.**

**Neither Neville nor Hermione showed the slightest interest in what lay underneath the dog and the trapdoor. All Neville cared about was never going near the dog again. **

"Neville is clearly in possession of a working brain" remarked Moony, nodding sagely. "Won't make it long amongst the Dorky Dumbarses of the Dormitory, I bet."

"Oh, clever alliteration there, _Regina_. How come you've not had any lasting effects of the company of the average schoolboy then?"

"I drink a full bottle of 'Essence of Wisdom' every morning before you wake up."

**Hermione was now refusing to speak to Harry and Ron, but she was such a bossy know-it-all that they saw this as an added bonus.**

"Don't be such berks" muttered Evans.

**All they really wanted now was a way of getting back at Malfoy, and to their great delight, just such a thing arrived in the mail about a week later.**

**As the owls flooded into the Great Hall as usual, everyone's attention was caught at once by a long, thin package carried by six large screech owls. Harry was just as interested as everyone else to see what was in this large parcel, and was amazed when the owls soared down and dropped it right in front of him, knocking his bacon to the floor. They had hardly fluttered out of the way when another owl dropped a letter on top of the parcel.**

**Harry ripped open the letter first, which was lucky, because it said:**

**DO NOT OPEN THE PARCEL AT THE TABLE.**

**It contains your new Nimbus Two Thousand, **

James cheered, his eyes glowing madly. Sirius just huffed, trying to hide his grin. Remus, on the other hand, snorted loudly.

"Yeah, I'm sure no one could have guessed that from the shape of the package and all that."

**but I don't want everybody knowing you've got a broomstick or they'll all want one. Oliver Wood will meet you tonight on the Quidditch field at seven o'clock for your first training session.**

**- Professor M. McGonagall**

**Harry had difficulty hiding his glee as he handed the note to Ron to read.**

"**A Nimbus Two Thousand!" Ron moaned enviously. "I've never even touched one."**

**They left the hall quickly, wanting to unwrap the broomstick in private before their first class, but halfway across the entrance hall they found the way upstairs barred by Crabbe and Goyle. Malfoy seized the package from Harry and felt it.**

"Don't touch! Not yours!"

"**That's a broomstick," he said, throwing it back to Harry with a mixture of jealousy and spite on his face. "You'll be in for it this time, Potter, first years aren't allowed them."**

**Ron couldn't resist it.**

"**It's not any old broomstick," he said, "it's a Nimbus Two Thousand. What did you say you've got at home, Malfoy, a Comet Two Sixty?" Ron grinned at Harry. "Comets look flashy, but they're not**

**in the same league as the Nimbus."**

"**What would you know about it, Weasley, you couldn't afford half the handle," Malfoy snapped back. "I suppose you and your brothers have to save up twig by twig."**

"Someone's a little touchy, I see" smirked Sirius, his bad mood quite forgotten. Reading really did make a difference sometimes. Not that he would ever tell that pesky Moony that. He firmly believed telling Moony such things was bad for his health. Or both of their health, come to think of it.

**Before Ron could answer, Professor Flitwick appeared at Malfoy's elbow.**

"**Not arguing, I hope, boys?" he squeaked.**

"**Potters been sent a broomstick, Professor," said Malfoy quickly.**

"**Yes, yes, that's right," said Professor Flitwick, beaming at Harry. "Professor McGonagall told me all about the special circumstances, Potter. And what model is it?"**

"**A Nimbus Two Thousand, sir," said Harry, fighting not to laugh at the look of horror on Malfoy's face. "And it's really thanks to Malfoy here that I've got it," he added.**

**Harry and Ron headed upstairs, smothering their laughter at Malfoy's obvious rage and confusion.**

"**Well, it's true," Harry chortled as they reached the top of the marble staircase, "If he hadn't stolen Neville's Remembrall I wouldn't be on the team. . . ."**

"**So I suppose you think that's a reward for breaking rules?" came an angry voice from just behind them. Hermione was stomping up the stairs, looking disapprovingly at the package in Harry's hand.**

"Okay, I like her but she should perhaps be a little bit less uptight" frowned Evans. For a moment, the world must have stopped turning. Sirius glanced out the window, watching for fire falling from the sky as a sign of the apocalypse. Enormous volcanos erupting from the ground would have been acceptable as well. Oddly enough, he saw nothing but a bird thoughtfully placing a dropping on top of a passing Hagrid's head.

"**I thought you weren't speaking to us?" said Harry.**

"**Yes, don't stop now," said Ron, "its doing us so much good."**

**Hermione marched away with her nose in the air.**

"Still, they don't have to be such arses to her" Evans conceded. Oh, the world was back in order, clearly.

**Harry had a lot of trouble keeping his mind on his lessons that day. It kept wandering up to the dormitory where his new broomstick was lying under his bed, or straying off to the Quidditch field where he'd be learning to play that night. He bolted his dinner that evening without noticing what he was eating, and then rushed upstairs with Ron to unwrap the Nimbus Two Thousand at last.**

"**Wow," Ron sighed, as the broomstick rolled onto Harry's bedspread. Even Harry, who knew nothing about the different brooms, thought it looked wonderful. Sleek and shiny, with a mahogany handle, it had a long tail of neat, straight twigs and Nimbus Two Thousand written in gold near the top.**

Prongs was practically drooling. Sirius wanted to, but didn't. He didn't think it was a good idea to drool all over the book in his hands, especially not in the company of two manic bookworms. They might get heart attacks, both of them. Or they might kill him painfully. Either way, not good.

**As seven o'clock drew nearer, Harry left the castle and set off in the dusk toward the Quidditch field. He'd never been inside the stadium before. Hundreds of seats were raised in stands around the field so that the spectators were high enough to see what was going on. At either end of the field were three golden poles with hoops on the end. They reminded Harry of the little plastic sticks Muggle children blew bubbles through, except that they were fifty feet high.**

"My first thought as well" said Evans, smirking.

**Too eager to fly again to wait for Wood, Harry mounted his broomstick and kicked off from the ground. What a feeling — he swooped in and out of the goal posts and then sped up and down the field. The Nimbus Two Thousand turned wherever he wanted at his lightest touch.**

"**Hey, Potter, come down!"**

**Oliver Wood had arrived. He was carrying a large wooden crate under his arm. Harry landed next to him.**

"**Very nice," said Wood, his eyes glinting. "I see what McGonagall meant . . . you really are a natural. **

James beamed in obvious pride. "Of course he is!" Sirius snorted, but Moony smiled. Peter was chewing a sugar quill and didn't seem to notice much more than that.

**I'm just going to teach you the rules this evening, then you'll be joining team practice three times a week."**

**He opened the crate. Inside were four different-sized balls.**

"**Right," said Wood. "Now, Quidditch is easy enough to understand, even if it's not too easy to play. There are seven players on each side. Three of them are called Chasers."**

"**Three Chasers," Harry repeated, as Wood took out a bright red ball about the size of a soccer ball.**

"My love!" declared James dramatically. Sirius rolled his eyes.

Evans, on the other hand, raised her eyebrows. "I feel truly insulted, Potter."

"No, I was just kidding! I mean, it's red and your hair is red and that's pretty but it's just a ball and… and… yeah!"

She stared at him, eyes wide even as a smirk tugged at her lips.

"I was _joking_" she said. "Heard of the concept?"

"**This ball's called the Quaffle," said Wood. "The Chasers throw the Quaffle to each other and try and get it through one of the hoops to score a goal. Ten points every time the Quaffle goes through one of the hoops. Follow me?"**

"Where are they going?"

"It's just an expression, Wormtail."

"**The Chasers throw the Quaffle and put it through the hoops to score," Harry recited. "So — that's sort of like basketball on broomsticks with six hoops, isn't it?"**

"What the heck is basketball?" James asked, confused.

"**What's basketball?" said Wood curiously.**

"Quidditch fanatics think alike" muttered Remus.

"**Never mind," said Harry quickly.**

"**Now, there's another player on each side who's called the Keeper — I'm Keeper for Gryffindor. I have to fly around our hoops and stop the other team from scoring."**

"**Three Chasers, one Keeper," said Harry, who was determined to remember it all. "And they play with the Quaffle. Okay, got that. So what are they for?" He pointed at the three balls left inside the box.**

"**I'll show you now," said Wood. "Take this."**

**He handed Harry a small club, a bit like a short baseball bat.**

"**I'm going to show you what the Bludgers do," Wood said.**

"Uh-oh" Evans said, frowning. "Maybe that isn't such a great idea…"

"What? My son is obviously awesome, he can handle it."

"**These two are the Bludgers."**

**He showed Harry two identical balls, jet black and slightly smaller than the red Quaffle. Harry noticed that they seemed to be straining to escape the straps holding them inside the box.**

"**Stand back," Wood warned Harry. He bent down and freed one of the Bludgers.**

**At once, the black ball rose high in the air and then pelted straight at Harry's face. Harry swung at it with the bat to stop it from breaking his nose, and sent it zigzagging away into the air —**

"Not too crappy" Sirius concluded, nodding. "Maybe he has some of his godfather's awesome skills anyway."

"Any skills he has in that subject are _mine_" Prongs huffed. "Shut it and read, Pads."

**it zoomed around their heads and then shot at Wood, who dived on top of it and managed to pin it to the ground.**

"**See?" Wood panted, forcing the struggling Bludger back into the crate and strapping it down safely. "The Bludgers rocket around, trying to knock players off their brooms. **

"Which is really not a good idea" Evans muttered.

"Aww, the bludgers give it a bit of excitement" James protested.

**That's why you have two Beaters on each team — the Weasley twins are ours — it's their job to protect their side from the Bludgers and try and knock them toward the other team. So — think you've got all that?"**

"**Three Chasers try and score with the Quaffle; the Keeper guards the goal posts; the Beaters keep the Bludgers away from their team," Harry reeled off.**

"**Very good," said Wood.**

"**Er — have the Bludgers ever killed anyone?" Harry asked, hoping he sounded offhand.**

"Doesn't sound like he succeeded" Moony chuckled.

"**Never at Hogwarts. We've had a couple of broken jaws but nothing worse than that. Now, the last member of the team is the Seeker. That's you. And you don't have to worry about the Quaffle or the Bludgers —"**

"— **unless they crack my head open."**

"Such an optimistic child" Sirius grinned.

"**Don't worry, the Weasleys are more than a match for the Bludgers — I mean, they're like a pair of human Bludgers themselves."**

**Wood reached into the crate and took out the fourth and last ball. Compared with the Quaffle and the Bludgers, it was tiny, about the size of a large walnut. It was bright gold and had little fluttering silver wings.**

"It's the snitch!" said Peter breathlessly.

"We know, genius."

"**This," said Wood, "is the Golden Snitch, and it's the most important ball of the lot. It's very hard to catch because it's so fast and difficult to see. It's the Seeker's job to catch it. You've got to weave in and out of the Chasers, Beaters, Bludgers, and Quaffle to get it before the other team's Seeker, because whichever Seeker catches the Snitch wins his team an extra hundred and fifty points, so they nearly always win. That's why Seekers get fouled so much. A game of Quidditch only ends when the Snitch is caught, so it can go on for ages — I think the record is three months, they had to keep bringing on substitutes so the players could get some sleep.**

"**Well, that's it — any questions?"**

**Harry shook his head. He understood what he had to do all right, it was doing it that was going to be the problem. **

"Yeah, that is often the problem" said James sagely.

"Speak for yourself" muttered Peter. "I barely understand what to do most of the time."

"Yeah, that's why we're lucky you don't play Quidditch!" said Sirius brightly. Moony rolled his eyes.

"Quidditch is all you people think about."

"**We won't practice with the Snitch yet," said Wood, carefully shutting it back inside the crate, "it's too dark, we might lose it. Let's try you out with a few of these."**

**He pulled a bag of ordinary golf balls out of his pocket and a few minutes later, he and Harry were up in the air, Wood throwing the golf balls as hard as he could in every direction for Harry to catch. Harry didn't miss a single one, and Wood was delighted. After half an hour, night had really fallen and they couldn't carry on.**

"**That Quidditch Cup'll have our name on it this year," said Wood happily as they trudged back up to the castle. "I wouldn't be surprised if you turn out better than Charlie Weasley, and he could have played for England if he hadn't gone off chasing dragons."**

"Nope, Padfoot."

"What? I didn't even say anything, Moony!"

"You thought it. So no, we're not getting a dragon and we're _not_ going to chase it."

"You're no fun."

**Perhaps it was because he was now so busy, what with Quidditch practice three evenings a week on top of all his homework, but Harry could hardly believe it when he realized that he'd already been at Hogwarts two months. The castle felt more like home than Privet Drive ever had. **

Evans huffed, but Sirius could see that she was both annoyed _and_ sad. "It can't be hard to top Privet Drive in terms of homeliness. Would be hard to be _less_ homely than that."

"I nominate Grimmauld Place number twelve for that purpose" Sirius muttered. "You should be happy he isn't _there_, Evans."

Moony gave him one of those annoying, knowing looks, and he huffed and pulled the book up in front of him so he wouldn't have to see it.

**His lessons, too, were becoming more and more interesting now that they had mastered the basics.**

**On Halloween morning they woke to the delicious smell of baking pumpkin wafting through the corridors. **

"I adore that smell" sighed Peter dreamily.

**Even better, Professor Flitwick announced in Charms that he thought they were ready to start making objects fly, **

"Oh, great!" Evans interrupted, beaming. "I loved that lesson! Except for when _someone_ levitated four quills into my hair…"

_Someone_ was fidgeting guiltily, ruffling his hair to make it break the physical laws of untidiness.

**something they had all been dying to try since they'd seen him make Neville's toad zoom around the classroom.**

**Professor Flitwick put the class into pairs to practice. Harry's partner was Seamus Finnigan (which was a relief, because Neville had been trying to catch his eye). **

"Neville sounds like me" said Peter morosely. Moony patted his back in that comforting way of his.

"There's nothing wrong with either of you. You just need a bit of confidence, Pete, trust me. And practice makes perfect, doesn't it?"

**Ron, however, was to be working with Hermione Granger. It was hard to tell whether Ron or Hermione was angrier about this. She hadn't spoken to either of them since the day Harry's broomstick had arrived.**

"**Now, don't forget that nice wrist movement we've been practicing!" squeaked Professor Flitwick, perched on top of his pile of books as usual. "Swish and flick, remember, swish and flick. And saying the magic words properly is very important, too — never forget Wizard Baruffio, who said 's' instead of 'f ' and found himself on the floor with a buffalo on his chest."**

"He still tells the same stories, apparently" said Evans fondly. "Good old Flitwick."

**It was very difficult. Harry and Seamus swished and flicked, but the feather they were supposed to be sending skyward just lay on the desktop. Seamus got so impatient that he prodded it with his wand and set fire to it — Harry had to put it out with his hat.**

"Good job there."

**Ron, at the next table, wasn't having much more luck.**

"**Wingardium Leviosa!" he shouted, waving his long arms like a windmill.**

Evans sniggered. "How graceful."

"**You're saying it wrong," Harry heard Hermione snap. "It's Wing-gar-dium Levi-o-sa, make the 'gar' nice and long."**

"**You do it, then, if you're so clever," Ron snarled.**

Remus smirked in that annoying all-knowing-werewolf way of his, and Sirius groaned.

"Not a good thing to say to a know-it-all!" he admonished the book.

**Hermione rolled up the sleeves of her gown, flicked her wand, and said, "Wingardium Leviosa!"**

**Their feather rose off the desk and hovered about four feet above their heads.**

"**Oh, well done!" cried Professor Flitwick, clapping. "Everyone see here, Miss Granger's done it!"**

**Ron was in a very bad mood by the end of the class.**

"**It's no wonder no one can stand her," he said to Harry as they pushed their way into the crowded corridor, "she's a nightmare, honestly."**

**Someone knocked into Harry as they hurried past him. It was Hermione. Harry caught a glimpse of her face — and was startled to see that she was in tears.**

"Startled?" Evans snarled. "Must you be such an arse, Ron Weasley? I _hate_ people like that! Leave her alone!"

"**I think she heard you."**

"**So?" said Ron, but he looked a bit uncomfortable. "She must've noticed she's got no friends."**

"Like that makes it okay" Remus muttered.

**Hermione didn't turn up for the next class and wasn't seen all afternoon. On their way down to the Great Hall for the Halloween feast, Harry and Ron overheard Parvati Patil telling her friend Lavender that Hermione was crying in the girls' bathroom and wanted to be left alone. Ron looked still more awkward at this, **

"Yeah, well, awkward is the least you deserve" said, unexpectedly enough, James. Apparently, more than just Sirius found it unexpected; all eyes turned to James, who huffed.

"I know I'm great and awesome" he said, most modestly, "but even I think he went a bit overboard, and _stop looking at me like that_, damn it!"

**but a moment later they had entered the Great Hall, where the Halloween decorations put Hermione out of their minds.**

"Nice to see them care so deeply for her well-being."

**A thousand live bats fluttered from the walls and ceiling while a thousand more swooped over the tables in low black clouds, making the candles in the pumpkins stutter. The feast appeared suddenly on the golden plates, as it had at the start-of-term banquet.**

**Harry was just helping himself to a baked potato when Professor Quirrell came sprinting into the hall, his turban askew and terror on his face. **

"Oh no" Evans whispered. "What now?"

**Everyone stared as he reached Professor Dumbledore's chair, slumped against the table, and gasped, "Troll — in the dungeons — thought you ought to know."**

Evans gasped, and James looked pretty pale himself.

"Damn it" swore Sirius. "I bet Mini-Prongs is going to get involved and all will go to hell somehow, damn it…"

Remus glared at him.

"How helpful of you to point that out, _dear_ Sirius. Now _read_."

**He then sank to the floor in a dead faint.**

**There was an uproar. It took several purple firecrackers exploding from the end of Professor Dumbledore's wand to bring silence.**

"**Prefects," he rumbled, "lead your Houses back to the dormitories immediately!"**

**Percy was in his element.**

"Of course he was."

"**Follow me! Stick together, first years! No need to fear the troll if you follow my orders! Stay close behind me, now. Make way, first years coming through! Excuse me, I'm a prefect!"**

"**How could a troll get in?" Harry asked as they climbed the stairs.**

James was chewing his lip. "That is the million galleon question, Harry" he said.

"**Don't ask me, they're supposed to be really stupid," said Ron. "Maybe Peeves let it in for a Halloween joke."**

Remus shook his head. "Peeves wouldn't do that. He knows he'd get thrown out if he did."

Sirius nodded. "Yeah" he said. "Not even old Peeves is that stupid."

**They passed different groups of people hurrying in different directions. As they jostled their way through a crowd of confused Hufflepuffs, Harry suddenly grabbed Ron's arm.**

"**I've just thought — Hermione."**

"Harry is a good boy" said Evans, almost tearfully. "Harry remembers his friends."

"Yeah, that's all good and dandy" snapped James, "but now they'll go look for her even though there's a troll in the castle, is that so good?"

"Maybe they'll tell a teacher?"

James shook his head violently, but said nothing. Remus spoke instead, his voice gentle.

"He wouldn't" he said. "Harry's too much like James to think rationally when his friends are threatened."

"**What about her?"**

"**She doesn't know about the troll."**

**Ron bit his lip.**

"**Oh, all right," he snapped. "But Percy'd better not see us."**

"Or he _should_ see you and make you go with the other and let the teachers deal with Hermione!" James snapped, and Sirius raised his eyebrows in his favouritest (it was _so_ a word) obnoxious expression.

"James Potter, saying no to an adventure? I never thought I'd see the day."

"Well, I'll see how keen on adventures you are when it's _your_ kid" Prongs muttered.

"I sure hope we never get to see that" said Moony seriously. "Because that would mean that we had a mini-Sirius running around and that would surely break the foundation of the universe."

"I hate you, you know."

"No, you don't, Siri-poo. You love me the most, really. You're just afraid to admit it."

"Keep telling yourself that."

**Ducking down, they joined the Hufflepuffs going the other way, slipped down a deserted side corridor, and hurried off toward the girls' bathroom. They had just turned the corner when they heard quick footsteps behind them.**

"Hide!" Peter whimpered. Sirius just rolled his eyes.

"It's Prongs' kid" he said. "He'd probably have those instincts in his very genes."

"Only time I'll be happy about stupid prankster genes" Evans muttered, chewing her nails. "He'll be in loads of trouble if he's caught now…"

"**Percy!" hissed Ron, pulling Harry behind a large stone griffin. Peering around it, however, they saw not Percy but Snape. He crossed the corridor and disappeared from view.**

Moony frowned, and Sirius grinned as he practically heard that werewolf brain start working.

"**What's he doing?" Harry whispered. "Why isn't he down in the dungeons with the rest of the teachers?"**

"**Search me."**

**Quietly as possible, they crept along the next corridor after Snape's fading footsteps.**

"**He's heading for the third floor," Harry said, but Ron held up his hand.**

"Very odd, that" Remus said slowly.

"**Can you smell something?"**

**Harry sniffed and a foul stench reached his nostrils, a mixture of old socks and the kind of public toilet no one seems to clean.**

"Holy mother of Jesus" Evans breathed. "It's the troll, they have to hide, oh please…"

"Mother of who?"

"Shut it and read, Black, or I'll _castrate_ you!"

**And then they heard it — a low grunting, and the shuffling footfalls of gigantic feet. Ron pointed — at the end of a passage to the left, something huge was moving toward them. They shrank into the shadows and watched as it emerged into a patch of moonlight. It was a horrible sight. **

"I don't like trolls" Wormtail muttered.

**Twelve feet tall, its skin was a dull, granite gray, its great lumpy body like a boulder with its small bald head perched on top like a coconut. It had short legs thick as tree trunks with flat, horny feet. The smell coming from it was incredible. **

"Incredible sounds like it's a good thing" said Moony, looking vaguely green. "I throw up every single time I've smelled one of those."

"You, er… make it a habit?" said Evans, raising both eyebrows in a completely shameless imitation of the Obnoxious Black Eyebrow Lift look. Damned plagiarist bird.

"It's kind of a hobby" deadpanned Remus.

**It was holding a huge wooden club, which dragged along the floor because its arms were so long.**

**The troll stopped next to a doorway and peered inside. It waggled its long ears, making up its tiny mind, then slouched slowly into the room.**

"Sounds like Sirius in the morning to me."

"Oi!"

"**The key's in the lock," Harry muttered. "We could lock it in."**

"**Good idea," said Ron nervously.**

Evans was chewing her nails again. Disgusting habit, really.

"Yes" she almost pleaded. "That's a good idea, lock it in and _run away_!"

**They edged toward the open door, mouths dry, praying the troll wasn't about to come out of it. With one great leap, Harry managed to grab the key, slam the door, and lock it.**

"**Yes!"**

The exclamation was echoed with great enthusiasm by James, who had been looking rather pale lately. Sirius just rolled his eyes.

**Flushed with their victory, they started to run back up the passage, but as they reached the corner they heard something that made their hearts stop — a high, petrified scream — and it was coming from the chamber they'd just chained up.**

"**Oh, no," said Ron, pale as the Bloody Baron.**

"**It's the girls' bathroom!" Harry gasped.**

"**Hermione!" they said together.**

"No!" Evans whimpered. "Dear Merlin, don't let them get hurt!"

In fact, she was so distraught that James' 'Comforting Crying Ladies 101' style arm around her shoulders almost seemed welcome to her. Damn it. Now Prongs was bound to be unbearable forever and ten days. Nice. Perfectly lovely.

"Read, you git" Remus muttered, slapping Sirius on the shoulder. Probably he'd seen the evil looks he was sending Evans. Damned observant werewolf.

**It was the last thing they wanted to do, but what choice did they have? Wheeling around, they sprinted back to the door and turned the key, fumbling in their panic. Harry pulled the door open and they ran inside.**

"Oh God no" breathed Evans.

**Hermione Granger was shrinking against the wall opposite, looking as if she was about to faint. The troll was advancing on her, knocking the sinks off the walls as it went.**

"**Confuse it!" Harry said desperately to Ron, and, seizing a tap, he threw it as hard as he could against the wall. The troll stopped a few feet from Hermione. It lumbered around, blinking stupidly, to see what had made the noise. Its mean little eyes saw Harry. It hesitated, then made for him instead, lifting its club as it went.**

Remus was chewing his lip. "Good tactics for saving _her_, but not so brilliant for yourself…"

"Shut the hell up and let him read!" Prongs snapped. Sirius rolled his eyes even as he read ahead a few lines to see if things got better. What? Just because he thought Evans was being a bit too dramatic and Prongs was being ridiculously snappy in order to impress her didn't mean Sirius didn't care if the Harry kid got squashed by a troll…

"**Oy, pea-brain!" yelled Ron from the other side of the chamber, and he threw a metal pipe at it. The troll didn't even seem to notice the pipe hitting its shoulder, but it heard the yell and paused again, turning its ugly snout toward Ron instead, giving Harry time to run around it.**

"**Come on, run, run!" Harry yelled at Hermione, trying to pull her toward the door, but she couldn't move, she was still flat against the wall, her mouth open with terror.**

"Run!" whimpered Evans. "They're risking their lives for you, get your arse out of there before things get worse!"

**The shouting and the echoes seemed to be driving the troll berserk. It roared again and started toward Ron, who was nearest and had no way to escape.**

**Harry then did something that was both very brave and very stupid: **

A groan rose through the room.

"Of _course_" Prongs sighed.

**He took a great running jump and managed to fasten his arms around the troll's neck from behind. The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wand had still been in his hand when he'd jumped — it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.**

**Howling with pain, the troll twisted and flailed its club, with Harry clinging on for dear life; any second, the troll was going to rip him off or catch him a terrible blow with the club.**

**Hermione had sunk to the floor in fright; Ron pulled out his own wand — not knowing what he was going to do he heard himself cry the first spell that came into his head: "Wingardium**

**Leviosa!"**

"You better manage it this time or I'll have my ghost come back and kill you!" threatened Evans. She did look a bit murderous. Sirius raised his eyebrows at James, quite _clearly_ telling him to back off slowly. The idiot, of course, had clear problems in the head and interpreted the expressive stare as "better hold on tighter to her, or she'll run away!". It was final; James was one huge big idiot. Sirius '_Saviour of Souls and Stupid People_' to the rescue.

"He does manage it" he told Evans in a dignified tone. "I read ahead."

"That's cheating though" said Peter.

"Pete, it's a _book_. There are no rules. Except maybe 'don't tear it apart while Moony is watching'."

"Another rule is 'read the bloody book before Lily tears you a new one'" Moony informed him with a glare.

**The club flew suddenly out of the troll's hand, rose high, high up into the air, turned slowly over — and dropped, with a sickening crack, onto its owner's head. The troll swayed on the spot and**

**then fell flat on its face, with a thud that made the whole room tremble.**

**Harry got to his feet. He was shaking and out of breath. Ron was standing there with his wand still raised, staring at what he had done.**

"Oh God, they'll be alright!" Evans sighed, instantly reverting from her killing-men-and-tearing-their-privates-off-with-her-bare-hands persona to her worried-mama one. It was… kind of disturbing.

**It was Hermione who spoke first.**

"**Is it — dead?"**

"**I don't think so," said Harry, "I think it's just been knocked out."**

**He bent down and pulled his wand out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.**

"**Urgh - troll boogers."**

**He wiped it on the troll's trousers.**

"As long as you don't do it on your _own_ trousers" Remus said wisely.

**A sudden slamming and loud footsteps made the three of them look up. They hadn't realized what a racket they had been making, but of course, someone downstairs must have heard the crashes and the troll's roars. A moment later, Professor McGonagall had come bursting into the room, closely followed by Snape, with Quirrell bringing up the rear. Quirrell took one look at the troll, let out a faint whimper, and sat quickly down on a toilet, clutching his heart.**

Sirius scoffed. "Weakling."

"And _he's_ supposed to teach the kids how to defeat darkness? He's a loser!" James agreed.

**Snape bent over the troll. Professor McGonagall was looking at Ron and Harry. Harry had never seen her look so angry. Her lips were white. Hopes of winning fifty points for Gryffindor faded quickly from Harry's mind.**

"**What on earth were you thinking of?" said Professor McGonagall, with cold fury in her voice. Harry looked at Ron, who was still standing with his wand in the air. "You're lucky you weren't killed. Why aren't you in your dormitory?"**

"They just saved a girl from a bloody troll" Remus pointed out. "Cut them some slack."

**Snape gave Harry a swift, piercing look. Harry looked at the floor. He wished Ron would put his wand down. Then a small voice came out of the shadows.**

"**Please, Professor McGonagall — they were looking for me."**

"_What_?"

"**Miss Granger!"**

**Hermione had managed to get to her feet at last.**

"**I went looking for the troll because I — I thought I could deal with it on my own — you know, because I've read all about them." **

The stunned silence that followed was courtesy of everyone… but mostly of Sirius, who had stopped reading to just stare at the book, his left eyebrow twitching.

"Sirius?" Remus waved a hand in front of his eyes. "Sirius Black? Padfoot? Poophead?"

Sirius jumped, finally looking up. "What?"

"Your new name is Poophead?"

"Shut it. I was just surprised. You realize this is rule-muncher Granger _lying to a teacher_?"

**Ron dropped his wand. Hermione Granger, telling a downright lie to a teacher?**

"**If they hadn't found me, I'd be dead now. Harry stuck his wand up its nose and Ron knocked it out with its own club. They didn't have time to come and fetch anyone. It was about to finish me off when they arrived."**

**Harry and Ron tried to look as though this story wasn't new to them.**

"I'm _sure_ they succeeded" Evans said sarcastically.

"**Well — in that case . . ." said Professor McGonagall, staring at the three of them, "Miss Granger, you foolish girl, how could you think of tackling a mountain troll on your own?"**

**Hermione hung her head. Harry was speechless. Hermione was the last person to do anything against the rules, and here she was, pretending she had, to get them out of trouble. It was as if Snape had started handing out sweets.**

"Now _that_ would be frightening!"

"Stop being such a berk to him, Potter, or I'll make Harry's conception an absolute impossibility."

"Er… right. Sorry." He folded his legs protectively and Sirius snorted.

"**Miss Granger, five points will be taken from Gryffindor for this," said Professor McGonagall. "I'm very disappointed in you. If you're not hurt at all, you'd better get off to Gryffindor Tower. Students are finishing the feast in their Houses." **

**Hermione left.**

**Professor McGonagall turned to Harry and Ron.**

"**Well, I still say you were lucky, but not many first years could have taken on a full-grown mountain troll. You each win Gryffindor five points. Professor Dumbledore will be informed of**

**this. You may go." **

James huffed. "Five points? They defeated a troll!"

**They hurried out of the chamber and didn't speak at all until they had climbed two floors up. It was a relief to be away from the smell of the troll, quite apart from anything else.**

"**We should have gotten more than ten points," Ron grumbled.**

"**Five, you mean, once she's taken off Hermione's."**

"**Good of her to get us out of trouble like that," Ron admitted. "Mind you, we did save her."**

"**She might not have needed saving if we hadn't locked the thing in with her," Harry reminded him.**

"Harry Potter, always so sensible."

**They had reached the portrait of the Fat Lady.**

"**Pig snout," they said and entered.**

**The common room was packed and noisy. Everyone was eating the food that had been sent up. Hermione, however, stood alone by the door, waiting for them. There was a very embarrassed pause. Then, none of them looking at each other, they all said "Thanks," and hurried off to get plates.**

**But from that moment on, Hermione Granger became their friend. There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.**

"I'm sure it is" said Remus dryly.

"The chapter's finished" said Sirius. "Who is next?"

"I'll take it." Remus snatched the book, and Sirius rolled his eyes.


	12. Hitting Balls and Cursing People

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: The universe clearly hates this story. Guess why? _

_1) It placed it in the head of an author lacking all and any kind of self-discipline and/or drive - guilty as charged, I'm afraid :( - and thus making sure it would take AGES for it to be finished. I know, I suck. But, to my defense, I'd sort of floated past my HP phase and moved on to some other fandoms for a while. Then I went back to HP, started looking for new awesome fanfics that had popped up in my absence, and then I realized I had responsibilities of my own, damn it. Like going out with the dog, which I'll do in a moment or two, but also like writing this damned fic and stop keeping you waiting. I'm sorry for being a lazy arse. :( There is no excuse, but I'll tell you that I've been rather busy with school and other things. This is my last year before university (see? There's been like a whole goddamned year since I last updated!) and I've got some important things to concentrate on… which I don't. I just spend my days wasting time as usual, because that's what I do. I mean, this really isn't a defense. I could use my procrastinating-away-my-schoolwork time to something useful but nooo, that just isn't my way. I should really whip myself._

_2) The moment I decided to go back to RTB:TOST (I need better acronyms…) I realized I had to get myself some new english versions of the books themselves. See, I'm from Sweden and I started reading HP when I was younger so the first few books are in swedish (I suspected telling you about the Marauders' reaction to the phrase 'Harry var glad över att Ron intog den ståndpunkten. Om den enögda häxan också blev förspikad med bräder skulle han aldrig kunna ta sig till Hogsmeade igen' wouldn't go down well). __In fact, I only have the last two books in english. So I use e-books. And since my last update, my computer fried itself. Don't worry, the story itself was saved on a separate USB (I learned my lesson from my past computer BBQs; yes, I have a habit of frying my computers), but I lost the e-books I'd used. So I had to get myself some new ones. This time, I was happy to find out I could actually get myself the UK versions (I always found it annoying that the Marauders/Lily were reading the US version, that's just weird). However, my new UK versions came in some weirdo file format that took me ages to figure out how to open. See what I meant about the universe hating this fic? _

_3) Also, I could barely get myself logged into my account because first I couldn't remember the password, then I realized I didn't know the email either, because that's how rarely I update my fic. *is ashamed* You see, I've got another account for favourites and that kind of stuff, and this one uses another email than my usual one. I never log onto the other email account since I get all mail from it forwarded to my usual one anyway, so I didn't remember how many times I put my name in the address (if siriusblack doesn't work as a username, just use siriusblacksiriusblack because NO ONE is smart enough to use something like that!1 Except for me and except for the fact that I clearly am not smart enough to actually remember how many times I put my chosen name there. :p)_

_Er, yeah. So, in conclusion, I'm back. I skimmed through my previous chapters to try and get in the same mood as before but I kept being astonished at how awesome it was (not bragging; I mean that all my current writing stuffs are awful compared to this… might just be lack of inspiration, though), so I should probably warn you guys that this might turn out absolutely hideous compared to previous chapters if we're unlucky. :( Let me know what you think about it! Also, feel free to yell at me for being a lousy, irresponsible writer; I deserve it!_

_DISCLAIMER: The truly truthful truth is that I don't own this and I probably never will. Darn it!_

_BIG FRIGGING RANT: I'm sorry for alerting you twice to this chapter. Guess why it happened? Because, when I uploaded the chapter at first, this lovely site decided everything was going WAY too smooth, so it randomly replaced ALL my periods with a literal shitload of bold tags and italics tags. Would you have liked to read this rant without any spaces? Itwasn'tverynice. I didn't like it, obviously, so I nuked the just uploaded chapter, went on an epic adventure to try and figure out how many swearwords I could fit into one breath, and uploaded it again. My Doc Manager is now spammed with three different Chapter 12: the original one, the "FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN'T EDIT" edition and the "FANFICTION DOT NET SUCKS" edition. Honestly, what the actual frig? Then, when I tried to use the Edit/Preview feature (from which I'm writing this!) to fix it, THE FREAKING THING WAS IN SIMPLE HTML AND TEXT ONLY! I'm NOT going to sit down and delete italics tags from 17 pages of text. I was honestly ready to go avada kedavra someone. What the heck was that? So yeah, I'm sorry for you guys probably getting double alerted to this chapter. It wasn't on purpose. :( And God, I swear a lot today. Sorry for my bad vocabulary but I'm so filled with anger at the moment. :p_

_EDIT: Oh yeah, and I had to edit it AGAIN because I noticed there was a lot of missing spaces in the bold text and near italic text. It's official, this site deserves a spanking, because I PUT SPACES THERE AND THEY SHOULD BE THERE WHEN I UPLOAD, THANKS._

**-CHAPTER TWELVE-**

**-Hitting Balls and Cursing People-**

Remus flipped the page, groaning when he saw the title. He should _definitely_ run up and get something to stuff in his ears. Did they have any earplugs left? He prayed to Merlin that they had.

"_Accio earplugs!_"

"We don't have any left" Sirius cheerfully informed him. "Why do you want 'em?"

"_We_ never had any to begin with" Remus growled. "_I_ had a bunch, though. What did you do to them, _Black_?"

"I?" Sirius cried, the picture of not-innocence. "I would never touch them! _I_, steal things from my honoured friend in need? How dare you even suggest such a…"

"He built a… oh, you can probably see for yourself" James said, easily cutting across Sirius and gesturing to the stairway. Remus whipped his head around and groaned loudly.

"Why do I still call you my friend, Sirius? What the hell was that for?"

"It could be good for something!"

"What could that _possibly _be good for, you absolute mutt? My earplugs!"

"You must have had a lot of earplugs, Remus" said Lily in a soothing sort of tone, but he could see her mouth twitching and scowled at her.

"I did" he said. "Before this git got hold of them at least. What is that even supposed to be?"

"Are you blind or just stupid?" Sirius demanded, getting to his feet and making a rather extravagant gesture towards his creation. "It's a llama! _Hello_, Remus, aren't you supposed to be the smart one?"

"I am rather intelligent" Remus murmured, now mournfully surveying the 'llama'. "I just never took the class on 'recognizing animals sculpted out of earplugs by some git who has the mental capacities of a three-year-old'. And apparently that… _thing_ still counts as 'earplugs' because it came when I accio'd it."

"It's not earplugs!" Sirius protested. "It's a llama. His name is Bruce. Respect the art, Remus!"

Remus sighed, rubbing his temples now.

"Yes, yes" he said. "Let's just read the freaking book."

"Wait" Sirius said petulantly, plopping down to sit next to him. "Why did you want earplugs?"

"Because you're a git" Remus grumbled. "Now shut up and let me read and get my ears ruined in peace. The chapter's name is 'Quidditch'."

**As they entered Nov-  
**

"Ah! _That's_ why you wanted earplugs!"

"YES, GENIUS. Now let me read damn it!"

"Sorry Moon-Moons."  
"Call me that again and they'll gonna have to send you home in a body bag!"

**As they entered November, the weather turned very cold. The mountains around the school became icy grey and the lake like chilled steel. Every morning the ground was covered in frost. Hagrid could be seen from the upstairs windows, defrosting broomsticks on the Quidditch pitch, bundled up in a long moleskin overcoat, rabbit-fur gloves and enormous beaverskin ****boots.**

**The Quidditch season had begun. On Saturday, Harry would be****playing in his first match after weeks of training: Gryffindor ver****sus Slytherin. If Gryffindor won, they would move up into second place in the House Championship.**

"Yes!" James cheered, eyes bright with anticipation. "They better win or -… What am I talking about! Of course they'll win! They've got my son!"

**Hardly anyone had seen Harry play because Wood had decided that, as their secret weapon, Harry should be kept, well, secret. But the news that he was playing Seeker had leaked out somehow, and Harry didn't know which was worse – people telling him he'd be brilliant or people telling him they'd be running around underneath him, holding a mattress.**

"He's just eleven" Lily frowned. "Kids are so cruel."

"It's just part of the whole Quidditch experience!" Sirius protested, almost jumping in his seat and unfortunately jiggling Remus who was trying to read. Honestly, soon he might just push the idiot off…

**It was really lucky that Harry now had Hermione as a friend. He didn't know how he'd have got through all his homework without her, what with all the last-minute Quidditch practice Wood was making them do. She had also lent him**_** Quidditch through the Ages, **_**which turned out to be a very interesting read.**

"See?" Remus interrupted himself. "Books are good."

"But it's _Quidditch through the Ages_" James pointed out, as though that explained everything. "That's different."

Remus gave a long-suffering sort of sigh but turned back to the book.

**Harry learnt that there were seven hundred ways of committing a Quidditch foul and that all of them had happened during a World Cup match in 1473; that Seekers were usually the smallest and fastest players and that most serious Quidditch accidents seemed to happen to them; that although people rarely died playing Quidditch, referees had been known to vanish and turn up months later in the Sahara Desert.**

**Hermione had become a bit more relaxed about breaking rules since Harry and Ron had saved her from the mountain troll and she was much nicer for it. The day before Harry's first Quidditch match the three of them were out in the freezing courtyard during break, and she had conjured them up a bright blue fire which**** could be carried around in a jam jar. They were standing with ****their backs to it, getting warm, when Snape crossed the yard. Harry noticed at once that Snape was limping. Harry, Ron and Hermione moved closer together to block the fire from view; they were sure it wouldn't be allowed. Unfortunately, something about their guilty faces caught Snape's eye. He limped over. He hadn't seen the fire, but he seemed to be looking for a reason to tell them off anyway.**

'**What's that you've got there, Potter?'**

**It was**_** Quidditch through the Ages. **_**Harry showed him.**

'**Library books are not to be taken outside the school,' said Snape. 'Give it to me. Five points from Gryffindor.'**

'**He's just made that rule up,' Harry muttered angrily as Snape limped away. 'Wonder what's wrong with his leg?'**

'**Dunno, but I hope it's really hurting him,' said Ron bitterly.**

Lily was frowning again. "That was uncalled for" she said. "From both sides."

**The Gryffindor common room was very noisy that evening. Harry, Ron and Hermione sat together next to a window. Hermione was**** checking Harry and Ron's Charms homework for them. She ****would never let them copy ('How ****will you learn?'), but by asking her to read it through, they got the right answers anyway.**

**Harry felt restless. He wanted **_**Quidditch through the Ages **_**back, to take his mind off his nerves about tomorrow. Why should he be afraid of Snape? **

"Because he can curse your balls off?" Sirius suggested mildly.

"Doesn't seem to stop you" Lily muttered. Sirius widened his eyes rather _too_ innocently.

"Well no, but we're not first-years facing down a teacher who likes the Dark Arts" he pointed out. Remus saw the anger flash in Lily's eyes and held the book up like a shield, raising his voice as he continued reading. Man, his head was hurting, and he had the feeling a catfight between the two of them wouldn't exactly make it better.

**Getting up, he told Ron and Hermione he was going to ask Snape if he could have it.**

'**Rather you than me,' they said together, but Harry had an idea that Snape wouldn't refuse if there were other teachers listening.**

**He made his way down to the staff room and knocked. There was no answer. He knocked again. ****Nothing.**

**Perhaps Snape had left the book in there? It was worth a try. He pushed the door ajar and peered inside – and a horrible scene met his eyes.**

**Snape and Filch were inside, alone. Snape was holding his robes above his knees. One of his legs was bloody and mangled. Filch was handing Snape bandages.**

'**Blasted thing,' Snape was saying. 'How are you supposed to keep your eyes on all three heads at once?'**

**Harry tried to shut the door quietly, but –**

'**POTTER!'**

**Snape's face was twisted with fury as he dropped his robes quickly to hide his leg. Harry gulped.**

'**I just wondered if I could have my book back.'**

"Famous last words" said Sirius sagely, nodding his head.

'**GET OUT!**_** OUT!'**_

**Harry left, before Snape could take any more points from Gryffindor. He sprinted back upstairs.**

'**Did you get it?' Ron asked as Harry joined them. 'What's the matter?'**

**In a low whisper, Harry told them what he'd seen.**

'**You know what this means?' he finished breathlessly. 'He tried to get past that three-headed dog at Hallowe'en! That's where he was going when we saw him – he's after whatever it's guarding! ****And I'd bet my broomstick **_**he **_**let that troll in, to create a diversion!'**

**Hermione's eyes were wide.**

'**No – he wouldn't,' she said. 'I know he's not very nice, but he wouldn't try and steal something Dumbledore was keeping safe.'**

'**Honestly, Hermione, you think all teachers are saints or something,' snapped Ron. 'I'm with Harry. I wouldn't put anything past Snape. But what's he after? What's that dog guarding?'**

**Harry went to bed with his head buzzing with the same question. Neville was snoring loudly, but Harry couldn't sleep. He tried to empty his mind – he needed to sleep, he had to, he had his first Quidditch match in a few hours – but the expression on Snape's face when Harry had seen his leg wasn't easy to forget.**

"Sleep!" James ordered. "Snape's face isn't something you should think about in bed!"

**The next morning dawned very bright and cold. The Great Hall was full of the delicious smell of fried sausages and the cheerful chatter of everyone looking forward to a good Quidditch match.**

'**You've got to eat some breakfast.'**

'**I don't want anything.'**

'**Just a bit of toast,' wheedled Hermione.**

'**I'm not hungry.'**

Lily bit her lip, fiddling with her sleeves. "He really should eat something."

"Yeah, he might fall off his broom in midair or something if he isn't-" Remus slapped his hand over Sirius mouth just in time; Lily's expression was looking rather dangerous. It was at times like these that Remus loathed that stupid 'living on the edge' philosophy James and Sirius had going on… though sometimes he also suspected that their hanging around with a frigging werewolf might also be part of that philosophy, which always made him incredibly grateful for it.

**Harry felt terrible. In an hour's time he'd be walking on to the pitch.**

'**Harry, you need your strength,' said Seamus Finnigan. 'Seekers are always the ones who get ****nobbled ****by the other team.'**

"Such a good friend!" Sirius cried, planting a kick in Remus' leg to make him remove his hand. Damn it, now his leg hurt too.

'**Thanks, Seamus,' said Harry, watching Seamus pile ketchup on his sausages.**

**By eleven o'clock the whole school seemed to be out in the stands around the Quidditch pitch. Many students had binoculars. The seats might be raised high in the air but it was still difficult to see what was going on sometimes.**

**Ron and Hermione joined Neville, Seamus and Dean the West Ham fan up in the top row. As a surprise for Harry, they had****painted a large banner on one of the sheets Scabbers had ruined.****It said **_**Potter for President **_**and Dean, who was good at drawing, had done a large Gryffindor lion underneath. Then Hermione**** had performed a tricky little charm so that the paint flashed different colours.**

**Meanwhile, in the changing rooms, Harry and the rest of the team were changing into their scarlet Quidditch robes (Slytherin would be playing in green).**

**Wood cleared his throat for silence.**

'**OK, men,' he said.**

'**And women,' said Chaser Angelina Johnson.**

'**And women,' Wood agreed. 'This is it.'**

'**The big one,' said Fred Weasley.**

'**The one we've all been waiting for,' said George.**

"Sounds like they've heard it before" Remus remarked, the corner of his lips twitching with humour.

"Unlike my speeches then" said James, preening himself with pride. "I have a new one every match! I think it serves as better inspiration for the players if I adapt my pep talk to the situation, you know!" Peter gave an admiring sigh and Remus rolled his eyes. Sirius, on the other hand, huffed.

"All your speeches are variations of 'kick them in the balls'" he pointed out. Lily raised an eyebrow, and James grew suspiciously red.

"Not true!" he squeaked. "Maybe you're just too stupid to understand all the big words I use!"

"Big words like what?" Sirius taunted. "Like 'testicles'? I think you said that once. 'Kick them in the testicles, guys!'"

"I don't talk about… that kind of thing!" James stuttered. "You're a lying liar, Black!"

"Hey, be fair" Remus said sternly. "I actually heard him talk about kicking _arse_ as well. You clearly have a selective memory, Sirius."

'**We know Oliver's speech by heart,' Fred told Harry. 'We were ****in the team last year.'**

"I _don't_ make lousy speeches!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

'**Shut up, you two,' said Wood. 'This is the best team Gryffindor's had in years. We're going to win. I know it.'**

**He glared at them all as if to say, 'Or else.'  
**

"DO NOT!"

"DO TOO!"

"NOOOOOOOT!"

"TOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Shut up or die!"

"Come on, Moony, p-put away that w-wand…"

"Shut your face and I might! Now let me read damn it!"**  
**

'**Right.**** It's time. Good luck, all of you.'**

**Harry followed Fred and George out of the changing room and, hoping his knees weren't going to give way, walked on to the pitch to loud cheers.**

**Madam Hooch was refereeing. She stood in the middle of the pitch, waiting for the two teams, her broom in her hand.**

'**Now, I want a nice fair game, all of you,' she said, once they were all gathered around her. Harry noticed that she seemed to be**** speaking particularly to the Slytherin captain, Marcus Flint, a fifth-year. Harry thought Flint looked as if he had some troll**** blood in him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the fluttering**** banner high above, flashing**_** Potter for President **_**over the crowd. ****His heart skipped. He felt braver.**

"He has good friends" Lily beamed, looking quite unruffled even as she ignored the two Marauders cowering on the floor. Remus nodded, smiling a little and absently twirling the wand in his hand.

'**Mount your brooms, please.'**

**Harry clambered on to his Nimbus Two Thousand.**

**Madam Hooch gave a loud blast on her silver whistle.**

**Fifteen brooms rose up, high, high into the air. They were off.**

'**And the Quaffle is taken immediately by Angelina Johnson of Gryffindor – what an excellent Chaser that girl is, and rather attractive, too -'**

'**JORDAN!'**

'**Sorry, Professor.'**

Peter sniggered, but he was the only one; Lily merely looked amused, and Remus snorted. James and Sirius seemed quite struck with silence… though it might just have been the tongue-tying curse Remus had just used on them. Yes, definitely the curse. Though if he pretended to Obliviate himself he might think that they'd just been scared into blissful silence. Yeees… he definitely didn't remember anything about a curse.

**The Weasley twins' friend, Lee Jordan, was doing the commentary for the match, closely watched by Professor McGonagall.**

'**And she's really belting along up there, a neat pass to Alicia Spinnet, a good find of Oliver Wood's, last year only a reserve – back to Johnson and – no, Slytherin have taken the Quaffle, Slytherin captain Marcus Flint gains the Quaffle and off he goes – Flint flying like an eagle up there – he's going to sc— no, stopped by an excellent move by Gryffindor Keeper Wood and Gryffindor take the Quaffle – that's Chaser Katie Bell of Gryffindor there, nice dive around Flint, off up the field and – OUCH – that must have hurt, hit in the back of the head by a Bludger – Quaffle taken by Slytherin – that's Adrian Pucey speeding off towards the goalposts, but he's blocked by a second Bludger – sent his way by Fred or George Weasley, can't tell which – nice play by the Gryffindor Beater, anyway, and Johnson back in possession of the Quaffle, a clear field ahead and off she goes – she's really flying – dodges a speeding Bludger – the goalposts are ahead – come on, now, Angelina – Keeper Bletchley dives – misses – GRYFFINDOR SCORE!'**

The look on James' face was absolutely pathetic. Remus huffed, looking away from him. They would _not_ manage to guilt him out of this… NOT. And he didn't remember cursing them anyway. That was his story and he was sticking to it.

**Gryffindor cheers filled the cold air, with howls and moans from the Slytherins.**

'**Budge up there, move along.'**

'**Hagrid!'**

**Ron and Hermione squeezed together to give Hagrid enough space to join them.**

'**Bin watchin' from me hut,' said Hagrid, patting a large pair of binoculars round his neck, 'But it isn't the same as bein' in the crowd. ****No sign of the Snitch yet, eh?'**

'**Nope,' said Ron. 'Harry hasn't had much to do yet.'**

'**Kept outta trouble, though, that's somethin',' said Hagrid, raising his binoculars and peering skywards at the speck that was Harry.**

**Way up above them, ****Harry was gliding over the game, squinting about for some sign of the Snitch. This was part of his and Wood's game plan.**

'**Keep out of the way until you catch sight of the Snitch,' Wood had said. 'We don't want you attacked before you have to be.'**

"Good plan" Lily nodded. "You know, Remus, maybe you should undo that curse… Potter's looking rather pitiful."

Remus blinked. "You're honestly telling me you feel _sorry_ for them?"

"I'm not" she said, a little bit too quickly, "but it's a bit cruel to keep Potter from cheering at his kid's first Quidditch game, you know." Remus grumbled, making a face at her.

"I never get to have any fun. Stupid conscience." He jabbed his wand in James' direction and the animagus let out a whoop.

"You're the best, Lily-Flower!"

"If you call me that I'll curse you myself" Lily muttered. "Keep reading, Remus."

"Yeah, keep reading, Moony" James chirped, looking rather _too_ amused as he plopped down next to Lily. Remus had to admit, the look on Sirius' face was rather entertaining.

**When Angelina had scored, Harry had done a couple of loop-the-loops to let out his feelings. Now he was back to staring**** around for the Snitch. Once he caught sight of a flash of gold but****it was just a reflection from one of the**** Weasleys' wristwatches, ****and once a Bludger decided to come pelting his way, more like a cannon ball than anything, but Harry dodged it and Fred Weasley came chasing after it.**

'**All right there, Harry?' he had time to yell, as he beat the Bludger furiously towards Marcus Flint.**

'**Slytherin in possession,' Lee Jordan was saying. 'Chaser Pucey ducks two Bludgers, two ****Weasleys ****and Chaser Bell and speeds towards the – wait a moment – was that the Snitch?'**

**A murmur ran through the crowd as Adrian Pucey dropped the Quaffle,**** too busy looking over his shoulder at the flash of gold that had passed his left ear.**

**Harry saw it. In a great rush of excitement he dived downwards after the streak of gold. Slytherin Seeker Terence Higgs had seen it, too. Neck and neck they hurtled towards the Snitch – all the Chasers seemed to have forgotten what they were supposed to be doing as they hung in mid-air to watch.**

"Stupid" James huffed. "You can't just drop everything because of the Snitch!"

**Harry was faster than Higgs – he could see the little round ball, ****wings fluttering, ****darting up ahead –****he put on an extra ****spurt of speed –**

**WHAM! A roar of rage echoed from the Gryffindors below – Marcus Flint had blocked Harry on purpose and Harry's broom span off course, Harry holding on for dear life.**

"FOUL!"

'**Foul!' screamed the Gryffindors.**

**Madam Hooch spoke angrily to Flint and then ordered a free shot at the goalposts for Gryffindor. But in all the confusion, of course, the Golden Snitch had disappeared from sight again.**

**Down in the stands, Dean Thomas was yelling, 'Send him off, ref!**** Red card!'**

'**This isn't football, Dean,' Ron reminded him. 'You can't send people off in Quidditch – and what's a red card?'**

**But Hagrid was on Dean's side.**

'**They oughta change the ****rules, ****Flint coulda knocked Harry outta the air.'**

**Lee Jordan was finding it difficult not to take sides.**

'**So – after that obvious and disgusting bit of cheating – '**

'**Jordan!' growled Professor McGonagall.**

'**I mean, after that open and revolting foul – '**

'_**Jordan, I'm warning you – '**_

"I like that kid" Remus decided, shoving Sirius face away as he stuck it up above the edge of the book, blinking sadly and clearly doing his best attempt at puppy dog eyes. "Stop it, you cretin. I'm trying to read here." Sirius was _dangerously_ adept at puppy eyes…

'**All right, all right.**** Flint nearly kills the Gryffindor Seeker, which could happen to anyone, I'm sure, **

"Of course it could" Lily said, tone dripping with sarcasm.

**so a penalty to ****Gryffindor, taken by Spinnet, who puts it away, no trouble, and ****we continue play, Gryffindor still in possession.'**

**It was as Harry dodged another Bludger which went spinning dangerously past his head that it happened. His broom gave a sudden, frightening lurch. For a split second, he thought he was going to fall. **

"No, wait, what?" James spluttered, sitting straight up now, eyes wide. "Brooms don't just start randomly throwing people off!"

**He gripped the broom tightly with both his hands and knees. He'd never felt anything like that.**

**It happened again. It was as though the broom was trying to buck him off. But Nimbus Two Thousands did not suddenly decide to buck their riders off. Harry tried to turn back towards the Gryffindor goalposts; he had half a mind to ask Wood to call time out – and then he realised that his broom was completely out**** of his control. He couldn't turn it. He couldn't direct it at all. It**** was ****zig-zagging**** through the air and every now and then making violent swishing movements which almost unseated him.**

"Stop the game!" Lily cried. "He's going to hurt himself!"

"They should do a time out" James agreed, his tone fervent. "Something must be really wrong with the broom, he can't play like that…"

Sirius made a weird sort of growling sound and Remus sighed, flicking his wand at the Black at last.

"Stop looking like a kicked puppy" he muttered. "We have more important stuff to worry about, Padfoot."

**Lee was still commentating.**

'**Slytherin in possession – Flint with the Quaffle – passes Spinnet****– passes Bell – hit hard in the face by a Bludger, hope it broke his nose – only joking, Professor – Slytherin score – oh no ...'**

**The Slytherins were cheering. No one seemed to have noticed that Harry's broom was behaving strangely. It was carrying him slowly higher, away from the game, jerking and twitching as it went.**

'**Dunno what Harry thinks he's doing,' Hagrid mumbled. He stared through his binoculars. 'If I didn' know better, I'd say he'd lost control of his broom ... but he can't have ...'**

"He can have!" James said urgently. "Stop the game and fix the broom, for Merlin's sake!"

**Suddenly, people were pointing up at Harry all over the stands. His broom had started to roll over and over, with him only just managing to hold on. Then the whole crowd gasped. Harry's broom had given a wild jerk and Harry swung off it. He was now dangling from it, holding on with only one hand.**

Lily slapped her hands over her mouth in horror. "Oh God…"

'**Did something happen to it when Flint blocked him?' Seamus whispered.**

'**Can't have,' Hagrid said, his voice shaking. 'Can't****nothing interfere with a broomstick except powerful Dark Magic – no kid could do that to a Nimbus Two Thousand.'**

**At these words, Hermione seized Hagrid's binoculars, but**** instead of looking up at Harry, she started looking frantically at**** the crowd.**

'**What are you doing?' moaned Ron, grey-faced.**

'**I knew it,' Hermione gasped. 'Snape – look.'**

"What?" Lily cried. "He wouldn't… Severus wouldn't…"

"It seems that he would" said Sirius, rather snidely, but he shut up with the glare Remus sent him.

**Ron grabbed the binoculars. Snape was in the middle of the stands opposite them. He had his eyes fixed on Harry and was muttering non-stop under his breath.**

'**He's doing something – jinxing the broom,' said Hermione.**

"It does seem that way" Remus admitted, feeling compassion churning within him as he glanced at Lily, who had tears in her eyes now. "Then again, it's hard to tell for certain since they're really just kids… they might be wrong." Lily sniffled, before her face grew harder than a rock wall.

"They better be, or I'll curse Severus the next time I see him" she said. "Friend or not. _No one _tries to kill my son!"

'**What should we do?'**

'**Leave it to me.'**

**Before Ron could say another word, Hermione had disap****peared. Ron turned the binoculars back on Harry. His broom was vibrating so hard, it was almost impossible for him to hang on much longer. **

James was chewing his nails, his eyes wide.

**The whole crowd were on their feet, watching, terrified, as the****Weasleys****flew up to try and pull Harry safely on to one of their brooms, but it was no good – every time they got near him, the broom would jump higher still. They dropped lower and circled beneath him, obviously hoping to catch him if he fell. Marcus Flint seized the Quaffle and scored five times without anyone noticing.**

'**Come on, Hermione,' Ron muttered desperately.**

**Hermione had fought her way across to the stand where Snape stood and was now racing along the row behind him; she didn't even stop to say sorry as she knocked Professor Quirrell headfirst into the row in front. **

Remus halted for a moment, frowning slightly before continuing.

**Reaching Snape, she crouched down, pulled out her wand and whispered a few, well chosen words. Bright blue flames shot from her wand on to the hem of Snape's robes.**

Sirius looked like he'd just found out it was his birthday. "She set him on fire! I take back everything I've ever said about her, she's awesome!" Remus rolled his eyes but continued.

**It took perhaps thirty seconds for Snape to realise that he was ****on fire. A sudden yelp told her she had done her job. Scooping**** the fire off him into a little jar in her pocket she scrambled back along the row – Snape would never know what had happened.**

**It was enough. Up in the air, Harry was suddenly able to clamber back on to his broom.**

A collective sigh of relief swept through the room.

'**Neville, you can look!' Ron said. Neville had been sobbing into Hagrid's jacket for the last five minutes.**

**Harry was speeding towards the ground when the crowd saw him clap his hand to his mouth as though he was about to be sick – he hit the pitch on all fours – coughed – and something gold fell into his hand.**

"Wait, WHAT?" Sirius looked as though he was somehow trying to turn himself into a knot; apparently the excitement was too much for him.

"He got the Snitch, genius" Remus huffed, slapping away Sirius foot from his lap.

"Of course he did! My son is awesome!" James interjected. He was performing some kind of victory dance… or at least that was what Remus thought it must be. Then again, it might as well be the mating dance of the spotted dungbeetle.

'**I've got the Snitch!' he shouted, waving it above his head, and the game ended in complete confusion.**

'**He didn't**_** catch**_** it, he nearly **_**swallowed**_** it,' Flint was still howling twenty minutes later, **

"Sore loser" Lily huffed. She was drying her eyes with a handkerchief, looking rather annoyed by now. "This book is ruthless with the action. I don't like it."

"Well, it's a good adventure book" Remus admitted. "But I can see why you don't like it."

"Because she's boring?"

"SHUT UP ABOUT MY LILY-FLOWER SIRI-AIIIRGH!"

"I told you I'd curse you if you called me that!"

"I know someone else who's kind of ruthless" Sirius muttered, gazing down at James on the floor, scratching himself as though a million ants had just been deposited in his pants.

"Care to repeat that, Black?"

"Er…"

**but it made no difference – Harry hadn't broken any rules and Lee Jordan was still happily shouting the ****result – Gryffindor had won by one hundred and seventy points ****to sixty. Harry heard none of this, though. He was being made a cup of strong tea back in Hagrid's hut, with Ron and Hermione.**

'**It was Snape,' Ron was explaining. 'Hermione and I saw him. He was cursing your broomstick, muttering, he wouldn't take his eyes off you.'**

'**Rubbish,' said Hagrid, who hadn't heard a word of what had gone on next to him in the stands. 'Why would Snape do somethin' like that?'**

**Harry, Ron and Hermione looked at each other, wondering what to tell him. Harry decided on the truth.**

'**I found out something about him,' he told Hagrid. 'He tried to get past that three-headed dog at Hallowe'en. It bit him. We think he was trying to steal whatever it's guarding.'**

**Hagrid dropped the teapot.**

'**How do you know about Fluffy?' he said.**

Remus stared down at the word. It was still glaring him right in the face.

"Fluffy" he repeated. "The giant, three-headed mutt is called Fluffy."

"AN INSULT TO DOG-KIND!" Sirius cried, looking quite distraught. "FLUFFY? IT IS A DISGRACE OF A NAME FIT ONLY FOR A-"

Once, Professor Whatshisface, that year's Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, had commended Remus on his aim with a Shock Jinx. Let us say the praise was well-earned.

'_**Fluffy?'**_

'**Yeah – he's mine – bought him off a Greek chappie I met in the pub las' year – I lent him to Dumbledore to guard the –'**

'**Yes?' said Harry eagerly.**

'**Now, don't ask me any more,' said Hagrid gruffly. 'That's top secret, that is.'**

'**But Snape's trying to **_**steal **_**it.'**

'**Rubbish,' said Hagrid again. 'Snape's a Hogwarts ****teacher, he'd do nothin' of the sort.'**

'**So why did he just try and kill Harry?' cried Hermione.**

**The afternoon's events certainly seemed to have changed her mind about Snape.**

"It changed a lot of minds" Sirius muttered, ducking the jinx Lily sent at him.

'**I know a jinx when I see one,**** Hagrid, ****I've read all about them! You've got to keep eye contact, and Snape wasn't blinking at all, I saw him!'**

Lily was chewing her lip now, looking quite unmoved by Sirius' howl as he realized she'd just turned his hair bright green. "Yes, but…" She seemed to swallow, thinking for a moment before continuing. "Isn't eye contact required for counterjinxes too?"

"That's true" Remus nodded, ignoring the screams of his aching braincells as he forced them back to work. They had nothing on Sirius' screaming anyway. "He might have been trying to protect Harry…"

"Well yeah" said James, staring at his own feet as he absentmindedly spun his wand around his fingers. "But doesn't that require him to actually _care_ about Harry? In case you've forgotten, he loathes the ground the kid walks on."

"_I'm dying here!_" Sirius was rolling on the floor, tearing at his still green hair. "Fix it, fix it, fix it! IT'S NOT FUNNY, FIX IT! MOOOOOOONY!"

"We don't know his reasons" Remus said. "We don't know why he would try and kill Harry, and we don't know why he would try and save him. Future Snape seems pretty unpredictable. Today, he seems to lean towards Death Eater – don't try and deny it, Lily – but in the future Dumbledore seems to trust him and all. So why don't we just give him the benefit of the doubt? We don't know enough to judge him yet."

"But Harry doesn't like him" James argued.

Remus absently lifted his feet onto the couch to bring them out of Sirius' reach when the Black started tugging on them.

"Harry doesn't like him because he treats him like crap" he said bluntly. "He's eleven, Prongs, he's be glad to pin all kinds of crap on the one teacher who keeps antagonising him."

"As always you're making sense, Remus" Lily nodded, looking a little bit too relieved. "Let's judge Severus later, when we know more."

"REMUS HELP ME GOD DAMN IT!"

Remus huffed, grabbing his wand and jabbing it in Sirius' general direction with a scowl.

"You're a wizard, you imbecile, fix it yourself."

"And I suppose having a sexy beard would help me with that?" Sirius voice was incredulous but at least he'd stopped screaming. Remus blinked, and then a grin tugged at his lips. He wasn't sure if he'd label the accidental beard as 'sexy', but it was a rather impressive one… He suppressed a snort.

"Okay, that wasn't the best colour-changing charm ever" he said, trying to sound apologetic and failing miserably, "but at least you stopped trying to break my ears. Fix it yourself, bastard."

"You're the bastard who gave me a freaking beard!" Sirius huffed, but he did seem to have gathered himself a bit, because he pulled out his own wand and set to try and reverse the two charms. "I refuse to think it was an accident, you loony."

"Now, now, boys" said James, rather pompously. "Let us not be fighting. We have a book to read. Mister Moony, please continue to enlighten us to the astounding contents of this incredible work of… book."

"Literature" Remus corrected, but he did turn his eyes back to the book. "And I'm _sorry_ for the beard, Pads. For someone upset about being accidentally bearded you sure insisted on calling it sexy!"

"Everything is sexy on Sirius Orion Black" Sirius purred, giving them his best 'come hither' look. It looked a bit like a flobberworm trying to pass gas.

'**I'm tellin' yeh, yer wrong!' said Hagrid hotly. 'I don' know why Harry's broom acted like that, but Snape wouldn' try an' kill a student! Now, listen to me, all three of yeh – yer meddlin' in things that don' concern yeh. It's dangerous. You forget that dog, an' you forget what it's guardin', that's between Professor Dumbledore an' Nicolas Flamel –'**

Lily giggled. "That will _definitely_ make them forget it."

'**Aha!' said Harry. 'So there's someone called Nicolas Flamel involved, is there?'**

**Hagrid looked furious with himself.**

"Hagrid isn't very good at lying, is he?" James said. Remus rolled his eyes.

"No shit" he said. "He's worse than you and that's an accomplishment."

"Hey, I resent that! I'm good at lying!"

"Yeah, and Peter's great at Quidditch."

"Hey!"

"Don't mind him." Sirius voice was mournful, and everyone turned to look at him where he sat cross-legged on the floor. His bushy black beard was no longer black; it seemed his attempts to remove it had only resulted in it turning bright orange and growing somehow even larger. "Remus is kind of a bitch today."


End file.
